Monday, December 31, 2007

freak out time

I have come to the conclusion that DEPLOYMENTS SUCK!!!! It is so strange how one day i think im the strongest person on earth and can handle everything with a smile on my face...then its like running into a brick wall, your insides start to twist all up, and panic sets in...thats when you know your about to freak out...ive been to that point a couple times already, and we are only 3 weeks into this deployment..last time i talked to Nick was on the 27th, he tried to message me on the 28th, but i was in the store, and didnt get it till i got out..havent heard anything since...i know its not unusual to hear from them, but when he couldnt get me on messenger he sent an email...thats the last i head...This is not normal for us!we havent really had to go more then a couple of days without talking...he said once his room was ready that he could get internet, but arg!!! i know heis ok, but it just twists me all around..i mean he is in a war zone after all...and i know i shouldnt but i feel guilty for missing his messages! i mean, i know its no ones fault..but our communication is so damn limited, and i feel bad for not being available...i know i still have alife, and cant always be by my phone, but he dostn get much time right now...i am just totallly frustrated, and sleep deprived tonight...

ok, so change of subject....i got to go use my giftcard my gma gave me today, and i came out with lots of cute shirts...i needed them bad...most of the tshirts i had were left over from denny, and they had the company name on them....i was so tired of wearing his name! so now i have some that will make me feel a lil more feminine...we spent forever in the store..lol..

well, itslate, and i need to try to sleep...

Saturday, December 29, 2007

yay for letters!!

omg, i just got my first letter from Nick!! it was so sweet...I loved it..and of course it made me cry like a baby..lol...it totally made my weekend...you see, we have this totally sarcastic fun, funny, laugh all the time type relationship...we joke alot, smile alot...so i was really really suprised by the sweetness of this letter..I love love love it!!!! I cant stop smiling!! Its so great to having something in his handwriting...it just helps to confirm that everything really will be ok...i get emails from him, but this feels different..more personal...ok, im done acting like a teenager in love..lol...thanks for listening and sharing in my joy!!!

Photobucket

Thursday, December 27, 2007

a sigh of relief!

Christmas is over! I am so relieved...I took my tree down the day after christmas, and usually i leave it up till new years day...but i just couldnt stand looking at it anymore...I wasnt sure i would hear from Nick on xmas day, because they were gonna be traveling that day...but he managed to call me at about 6am xmas morning...i was so excited to hear from him...He said he was leaving ina couple hours to do his traveling...The phone ringing woke the boys up...thats why we were up so early..but that ok...I was exhausted by that night though because i didnt go to sleep till 2am...xmas eve sucked! it was when i was most emotional...but xmas day made me feel a little better...when the kids were all fully awake we opened presents, then spent the morning cleaning up wrapping paper,and getting them ready to go to daddies house for more presents...i headed to my mom and gmas after that...was a nice time over there...I was kind of the odd girl out, the 5th wheel on that day..it was my gma and her boyfriend, and my mom and her boyfriend, then there was me...my mom had taken some pictures of me and nick while he was home on leave, and she had a cd made, and a bunch of pictures printed up for me for xmas...they turned out nice...if you want to see them they are on my photobucket, you can message me for the link...or they are on my myspace...
the boys came back from there dads last night, but are there again for an extended weekend with him so they can have a little extra time with him on there winter break...not sure what i am gonna do with myself for 3 days at this point..i dont have anything to do...the house is in pretty good order...im sure i could do a deep cleaning, but sounds like no fun! so, i will do some writing and reading....grocery shopping tomorrow so that i dont have to drag the kids shopping with me next week...Sunday i have to go to plainwell to take a shirt back for a different size...and spend a gift card i got for christmas to fashion bug! i love that store!!!
i was told that deployment wasnt easy, and that i needed to prepare myself...well, i had over a year to prepare, and it still has hit me harder then i thought it would...i thought because i was use to being ina long distance relationship that i would be able to deal no problem...ha, boy was i wrong! This has me on an emotional rollercoaster...i know once he gets settled it will be a hell of a lot easier...he will have internet access, but right now, there is very limited conversations...sometimes when he calls there is so much i want to tell him, but then i dont really end up telling him much of anything becuase im just so happy to hear his voice...i get to talk to him about every 2 days right now...which i know is more then what others get...its just taking me a while to get use to it...ive written him one letter a day since he left...he finally has a valid APO address so i can send them tomorrow when i get a big envelope...then ican send them as i write them...lol, he is gonna be overloaded with my writing...well not so much after he gets internet..
The boys andi had a great time together today...i got up and we ate breakfast..then watched a new movie i got them for xmas...after lunch we played with something called moon sand, they got it for xmas from denny's mom...its sand that never dries out, so they can build castles with it...wow what a mess!! but they had fun with it, so thats all that matters...its colored sand, so at first i was afraid it woudl stain stuff, but it dosnt...then we played with some other toys they got...it was a fun relaxing day...everyone got along...i love those days....well im off to relax and get some reading and writing in....

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas 2007

This was our tree after Santa made his visit! i didnt get to see him...he snuck in while i was in the shower..what a suprise when i came out to find the tree full of presents! hehe
this would be when the boys got up....6am! wow...earliest yet..lol, there is a reason they woke so early..will write about that later!

I hope everyone had a great Christmas day...and i Hope the new year is a great one...

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Everything

I just wanted to take some time today to wish every one a Happy Holiday! I have friends and family out there who have helped make this Christmas a decent one for me...For that I am so Thankful, and i hope one day to be able to repay the kindness that has been shown to me and my boys...

Emotionally this has not been a great Holiday for me...Its not just because Nick is gone, its just because of the year, and im anxious to get it over with...I guess im just not in the mood for it...I am glad to see my kids so happy about it, but its just hard this year...I talked to Nick earlier, and they are moving on Christmas day...he said he would try to call me tomorrow, but i have a feeling I wont hear from him...I think they will be pretty busy...

I get the kids tonight, and till noon tomorrow...we will open presents from Santa here, then denny picks them up and takes them to his moms the rest of the day to open presents over there...i miss having them all day on christmas, but i think it works out pretty well...i will head to my moms after the kids leave here...at least i get to spend it with my mom and gma...

i went to my moms xmas party she threw for her work people on saturday night...it was fun...i was suprise that some family showed up...it was soooo good to see some of them...i miss that, seeing family durin the holidays...

my mom showed me the pictures she took of me and Nick when he was here on leave...they turned out great, but she wouldnt let me take any home yet...I cant wait to see what she has planned with them...

well i am off to make some cookies with the kids for santa...have a great holiday everyone...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

the Kindness of some hearts

this is the 2nd time this year someone has blessed my life with a gift from the heart...well unless you count my man, but im talking about strangers...Thank you Genesha for the wonderful gifts you have bestowed on my family....my family will be forever greatful...I will teach that kindness to live on the hearts of my boys...I will teach them to have that same giving love...i want you to know that you have made a difference in my family, and a difference in my heart...I will pass on your kindness to others, even if its just a smile to a stranger, or a loving embrace to someone who needs it....Thank you Genesha...blessings to you this holiday season

with great love and appreciation
Tara, and her boys

time flies, things change, christmas

so its been 2 years now since my world kind of fell out from under me...It really does amaze me how fast it has gone, and how much has happened, and how much has changed...I had a veil over my eyes, or rose colored glasses on 2 years ago, thank the gods im a little smarter now...Life has changed so much, and it took me a while to realize its so much better...we may not have the things we had before, but the boys and i share a closeness that we never experienced when our lives were so hectic...I am actually thankful for all of the things that have brought me to this point in my life...

things have changed so much...With nick overseas i have found that i dont always feel as strong as i did...in fact, it seems my emotions are on a huge rollercoaster...My insecurities seem to be calling me out...and i swear, if isecurity was a person, i would punch the bitch in the face...its taking a really confident person, and making her feel needy, and all twisted up inside....is it worth it? your damn right it is...

on to christmas...this year im not really looking foreward to it...its strange to feel that way, because this is usually my favorite time of year...its not becuase of money issues, im just not in the mood for it...the only thing i have up this year is the tree...and i think that will come down the day after xmas..i dont even enjoy looking at it this year....im not crying about it, i just want the new year to start...this last year has just been too hard, and i need it to end, and i need a fresh start...

Monday, December 17, 2007

Holy Winter Man!

wow, its amazing how something you look foreward to so much, can make you swear so much when it finally gets here...lol...Every year i look foreward to winter...i love the snow, i think its absolutely beautiful!...its funny though, becuase when i was out shoveling it for the 3rd time in 24 hours, it just didnt see so damn beautiful...lol...guess i cant have my cake and eat it too!!! ah well, its pretty in michigan...Last Christmas was so Blah looking...warm, all i had on was a sweater and a skirt last year on Christmas day...Nick didnt get to see any snow..and now that he is in the desert, we got snow before Christmas! Well soldier boy, maybe your first Christmas home we will get snowed in...hehe...that woudl be fun!

The boys had a snow day today...started out great, they were excited...They actually let me sleep in till almost 9! can you believe it...lol...I couldnt! then, they were awesome till lunch, went outside to play for a while...and shortly before dinner became little terrorists....i swear every night its like that....Its like its the witching hour for kids..lol..its like jekyl and hyde(i know i prolly just spelled that wrong, but I DONT CARE!) But this time it just didnt get any better after dinner...so, they went to bed early because there were bein really naughty...well, it was only a half hour early, but still...lol

I finally got an address for Nick, so i can send out all these letters ive been writing...i havent really been able to talk to him much, and i am missing him like crazy...Sunday was a rough one for me...i cried alot, but it felt good to finally feel it, ya know? i think part of my problem is i dont really have alot of friends around here....everyone lives so far, so it just seems like im on my own with it...andi feel bad for always complaining to the few that i do talk to...makes me feel guilty...so anyway...I cant wait for him to get where he is going so that we can talk on instant messenger....where he is at right now, he gets very limited computer time...and its just too damned expensive to talk on the phone...I just with this war was over and he could come home....i miss him...well enough for now, time to go write another letter...Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Sunday, December 16, 2007

R.I.P Dan Fogelberg

LOS ANGELES (Dec. 16) - Singer-songwriter Dan Fogelberg, famed for the soaring vocals and elegant instrumentation of tunes such as "Longer" and "A Love Like This," died on Sunday, three years after being diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. He was 56. "He fought a brave battle with cancer and died peacefully at home in Maine with his wife Jean at his side," said a posting on his Web site (http://www.danfogelberg.com/).


I love this song.....

Saturday, December 15, 2007

BBBRRRRR


Sweet Comments at DazzleJunction.com

Winter Comments - DazzleJunction.com


Its sooooo cold in my house! my Thermostat says its 73 in here, but i dont believe it...not one bit...I am sitting here at the computer, and i swear i feel a cold breeze coming through this damn house...the only warm room is the bathroom..i dont understand it...so, im all bundled up inside the house..lol...we are suppose to get a good amount of snow i guess..i dont know, i havent watched the news since Nick left...I did hear some of the weather on the radio though...

So far I have been dealing with things really well...Last night was rough, but in all im pretty proud of myself...I am missing Nick...I have only been able to talk to him on the phone a couple of times since he has been there...i did get to see him on the webcam the other day though...that was so great...seeing his face makes me feel so much better...When he gets to his final destination then he can get a phone and internet..until then we are relying on the public ones...its works, so im not complaining too much...

I dont think ive fully come to terms with Logan yet...or maybe its that im just dealing with it becuase its what life handed to us...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Finally a Logan update

So Logan had his appointment with the nuerologist...Seems the EEG test he had over a month ago determined that when logan has eplictical (sp) shocks running through the right side of his brain...it shows that he is 75-80% at risk of having another seizure within the next 6-12 months....So, well, he has epilepsy...I broke down in the womans office...They said that there is some medication he can start using now so that it would prevent any more of them...but that means not truly knowing if there is a huge problem...so, i have a perscription for an emergency dose, just in case a seizure goes longer then 5 minutes...in that case i have to call 911...

Now he has to go in for an MRI within the next couple of weeks to rule out a few other things...the doctor said she was 99.9% positive that he wil have another seizure within a year because of the brain waves...so, i guess i will just be prepared, adn hope that the next time it happens we arent out and about....so thats the update i know some have been waiting for...

woot!

I just had to let everyone know i heard from Nick this morning! I was so excited to hear his voice...omg, its such a relief...i miss him so much already...Im like a giggling teenager, pathetic huh? lol, oh well...he seems to be doing well, just very exhuasted from traveling...over 33 hours of flight time...ugh! im just so greatful to have heard his voice...it made my day...i will be walking much lighter the rest of the day!

i couldnt sleep last night, so i was up writing him a letter at midnight..lol...he is gonna get bombarded with letters, because if all works out alright, he has alot of people that want to write him..lol...so anyway..just wanted to hop on the computer to let people know, and i couldnt help but share my excitement, felt like i was gonna bust..lol..

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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

just life

Today really wasnt too bad...went by kind of fast...I hear there is an ice storm headed our way...hopefully they dont call school off tomorrow...Logan is suppose to have his other appointment with the neurologist, but if the roads are too bad there is no way i am going into Kalamazoo...So i have called there office many time to try to get the results of his EEG from over a month ago, and i get no answer at all...they tell me that i have to call the doctor who ordered the test...and the doctor office who ordered the test tells me that they dont ahve it, because the test was done in kalamazoo...someone needs to tell me what the heck is going on with my child before i storm the office with a major fucking attitude...

The boys are all sick with a cold and cough...I sure hope it dosnt turn into what i was sick with...ugh, i would feel so bad for them...its been 2 weeks since my sickies started, and im still feeling a few effects from it...so i hope it ends up being nothing more then a cold...

Nick is gone...headed to his destination...we talked on the phone all Sunday night, till late into the night, then again very early in the morning..needless to say i got 2 hours on tossing and turning sleep...he left monday morning...he asked me on Saturday to be strong for him on Monday because he was gonna be a mess...I hope i did a good job of it for him...I think i am handling it very well...i wanted to be his rock for the day...ive only cried a little...but i think it just hasnt hit me yet...i talked to him at about 3 this morning, he was in alaska...oh man he had to have been freezing..lol, going from Hawaii to Alaska...what a shock to the system...Im scared for him being over there...and when i really sit down to think about the situation, my heart starts to race and i get all light headed...ive been trying hard not to think about where he is going, and the danger he could be in...its gonna be a long 15 months for us, including the boys, who have grown to love him very much...

so, im off to do some laundry...anything to keep myself busy at this point...but sooner or later i am gonna have to let myself sit down and have a good cry..im just not ready yet...

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Tomorrow

The time has come for Nick to leave for Iraq...Im a mess...I am trying not to be, but ive never gone through this before...I need to be strong about it, for my self, for him, and for the boys...but it seems all i want to do is go to bed for 15 months...Keep him in your thoughts...i dont have much to say other then that....

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Finally feeling better

wow, i havent been so sick in years as i was last week...there are some parts of the week that i dont even remember...it was all in my head and chest...i was so weak feeling....im still coughing a little, and a lil tired, but im over the rest of it...

My mom is back in Michigan...they had my grandpas funeral on Monday...a decent amount of family was there...i feel like i missed out on my chance to say my good byes...i guess the house in Florida is being sold..so is the camper here in michigan...it sucks...i grew up out at that lake, now the camper wont be there....im gonna have to get a tent so that the boys and i can camp out there once in a while...

this week has gone by pretty fast..i didnt to anything all weekend...it kind of sucked, i was still getting over being sick...and not happy about the funeral situation...he really was the only man that was there my whole life, and i didnt have a chance to tell him how much he meant to me...so the weekend was a dull time...i couldnt sleep one night, i was kind of upset with someone, but im sure i will get over it...sooner or later

really not much else is going on...nothing exciting happening...Nick leaves for Iraq soon...i try not to think about it too much, it causes me to have a real feeling of panic...im scared, but nothing i can do about it...

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Erin is a BRAT!!!

-The best thing you cooked last week?
um I was so sick last week, that all i remember cooking was spagetti..so i guess that would be it..lol

-If money, time and babysitting were no object, where would you go and with who?
Hawaii, to see my man off to war...I want to be there so bad when he leaves and comes back...and i would go alone, so that i can experience the emotion without someone interfering

-Five things you were doing ten years ago...
was pregnant with michael
working at meijer
living in Denny's moms basement
trying to get a place of my own
living


-Five things on your to do list today
sleep, clean, eat, take meds(still sick), welcome kids home

-Five favorite snacks
brownies, fruit, veggies and dip, cheese, and ice cream.

-Five bad habits
trusting too much, and believe everything someone tells me

Swearing...i have a potty mouth

yelling...well, not really, but i do it more then i would like

putting off doctors visits

not getting enough sleep

-Five favorite foods
chinese

french silk pie...my moms homemade stuff

shrimp alfredo

most types of fruits

Most any vegetable...I LOVE fresh veggies from the garden (yep, me too)


-Top Five places I've been
new mexico
california
arizona
florida
georgia
(so many more)

-Five favorite memories
the birth of my children
prom
first time i walked into my own house
nick coming off the plane to me for the first time
sex (well, its true)


Next one is to write 6 truths about myself:

1. it takes me a really long time to get mad...but once i am, watch out, my temper comes out to play, and its not nice...

2. I am gullible about very random things. (lol, we agree on this one)

3. i wanted to make music my life...never found a way to do it

4. when i am really pissed off i cry...not to get my way, but because my emotions go crazy...

5. i love sad songs

6. i am nervous about the future and what it has in store for me...

ok, so Erin tagged me...took me a while to get it done, but here it is...lol....

I am tagging Nick (do it), Wendy, Desi, scott, and Val.....have fun kids!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Till we meet again

My Grandpa Carlson passed away at 9:35 last night...I got the call at about 10pm...I have to say this is the roughest one yet...he was such an awesomely grumpy old man...he tried hard to look mean, he he...but it didtn work with me...while i was with denny i didnt get to see him much...Denny's family always came first, today i am angry about that...I am trying not to be, but i am...

My grandpa loved trains...so much so that it was almost a childlike fascination with them...I can remember when i was little, he would tell me that no one got to play with his trains except him, then he would sneak me into the shed and let me control one...i felt so special...So granpa, while you waiting at the train depot for the next beautiful engine to pick you up, find comfort in knowing that fascination spilled over into michael...I can guarantee he will carry on with his love of trains...enjoy the ride you old grouch! i love you, and i miss you already.. love your Tara Bear

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

yada yada..

i am sick, im tired,and i feel like shit...i was sick part of the time Nick was here...it went away shortly after heleft...now it has come back full force...i spent all day yesterday in bed or laying on the couch, when i could, and still fell asleep early last night...i am feeling a lil better today, but not sure if i should be doing a happy dance yet...hell, even my eyeballs hurt...

i got my ring back from the jewelry store yesterday, its more beautiful on then it was in the box...very pretty...

my mom called me on the way to pick it up...i was on the highway when she told me they called hospice for my grandfather...talk about trying to hold it together long enough to get me and the kids off the highway...omg....so this will be the 4th granparent to die within a year...5th family member, and 6th person since denny left...really, this streak can end any time now...they havent given him a time frame at all..but he isnt eating, so i can imagine it wont be long...this is the grandfather who lost his oldest son and mother in a year...well i found out lastnight also, that when he passes the funeral will be in florida...very upsetting...unless i call off xmas this year, i wont be going...i want to, so the boys may just spend xmas with daddy...the family is slowly falling apart...all of our elders and passing away in such a short time frame...

i was so crabby all weekend, i feel so bad for the kids...mommy was just not in a good way...They packed nick up yesterday, and his internet was turned off today...just more steps in getting him ready for deployment...means its coming closer...how do i keep my sanity? i will get throug it, no doubt...just dreading it alot...so much has happened so recently, this is just one more thing to get through...

well my eyes hurt, so im gonna end it now...Erin, i will do your tag thing when i am feeling better...hehe

Friday, November 23, 2007

Another Day

Yesterday went ok...we got up early in the morning becuase logan got up before the sun, and turned on all the lights for some reason...We watched the parade for a little while, but it didtn take long for them to lose interest...I can remember as a child watching the whole thing with my mom...but maybe thats the difference between boys and girls...after breakfast we decorated the tree...i had already put the lights on it...the boys had a great time putting the ornaments on...lol, i had to rearange them a bit when they werent looking...

i made a turkey instead of ham...my neighbor brought down a turkey because they had too many...well, the turkey ended up dry, at least to me...the kids liked it though...ive just never been a big fan of it anyway....all they ate was turkey and busquits...they didnt eat any of the side dishes that i had made...so i basically worked all day on nothing, becuase they didnt appreciate it anyway...we had apple pie and pumpkin pie for desert...of course they liked that.lol...

I missed Nick terribly yesterday...and the twins were cranky for some reason...in all it was just like anyother day, except im tired today from working my ass off to make it a great day...Nick had overnight duty wednesday night, and only had about an hour and a half sleep before he headed off to his Thanksgiving dinner...he went to a buddies house...not sure how that went, because i havent heard from him since 9pm last night...so i am waiting to hear if he had a good time....I just missed him so much yesterday...it just seemed there was something missing from the day....

it is snowing today...its beautiful...i love the snow...what a great way to start the holiday season....I wanted to go shopping this morning...i always loved being a part of the holiday crowd after Thanksgiving...made the holiday season feel as if it were started off right...I didnt get to go this year...The boys want to go out in the snow, but i dont have boots for them yet...seems i always wait till the last minute...i should have learned by now...Michael and Logan bowl tonight even though its a holiday weekend...thats ok though, gives us a reason to get out of the house...the rest of the weekend will most likely be spent here at home, just hanging out...I will post some pictures of yesterday in a bit...i dont seem to have the energy right now...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

For these things i am Thankful

There are so many things in this life that have changed the last couple of years, and often times i have lost sight of what is true and pure in all of it...sometimes life just gets in the way and we forget to stop and really think about things..So for all these things i am thankful...Not listed in order.lol...

The most important thing i am thankful for is my family...This family includes my boys, who have been my four anchors when i thought the sea of life would wash me away...my little angels have made my life so wonderful, and they are such a blessing...My mom for giving me confidence and strength, and a sense of pride of who i am...and for teaching me to be happy with who i am...My gma for being there my whole life...and for always being the one i could turn to with my every day problems...For those of my family that have died in the last year, i am thankful for the many years i had them with me...I am thankful for Nick...i love you soldier boy, you have showed me what its like to feel loved, and to know that i can be accepted the way i am...for loving me without boundaries and limits...for wanting me to follow my dreams, and for letting me be me...I am so greatful to you for allowing me the time to truely grieve and find myself, and for waiting till i was ready to move on...You are truly my best friend, and the mate to my soul...

I am thankful for my home...its cramped feeling at times, buti have a solid roof over my head...a place where the boys and i can lay our heads at night and dream our dreams...its a place we gather every night to be a family...

i am thankful for my old friends and the new ones...without you guys i would have been drowning in my own pity...

Thank you to my neighbor who brought down a turkey he had earlier, they had an extra and decided to give it to me...very much appreciated....

For the Military...to the families who send there loved ones overseas to defend our freedom...ive seen you say your good byes...to the mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, wives and girlfriends left behind to worry...And to the soldiers who put there lives on the line every day, and spend the holidays in a place that isnt so friendly...I will be thinking of you and thanking you as i sit down to dinner with my boys...

my soldier, im gonna miss you for these holidays, and the next ones...i will be thinking of how lovely it woudl be to have you sitting at the table with us...we will all be wishing you were here..

to mother earth, and father sky, for giving us the means to have this type of dinner...you will be remember in our blessing at dinner time...



ok, so i am really really excited about dinner tomorrow...this will be the first time i ever did a thanksgiving dinner...we always went to denny's moms house, and last year he had the boys...so this year i have them, and im just giddy about it....we are going to get up and eat messy donuts while watching the holiday parade...then decorate the tree...then im gonna start dinner while they watch a christmas movie..i really cant wait for it...i need this to lift me up this week...i am missing nick really bad, and dreading the upcoming stuff...i hope the day goes well, and that i dont dwell too much...

have a great Thanksgiving!!!

Monday, November 19, 2007

ugly day

Last night was rough...I didnt sleep well, and i tossed and turned alot...I even slept with a light on so that i didnt feel so alone...The pillow still smells like him, as do the blankets...i have his coat here, and i cant stop touching it...i feel really silly...but i cant help it...i rolled over this morning to kiss him, and he was gone...arg!

so i went and got my ring sized today..
I dont get it back till the 30th...I cant wait to wear it, its beautiful...i also got my Thanksgiving dinner stuff done so that i can make my first thanksgiving dinner...It will be just me and the boys, i am pretty excited...When denny dropped them off last night they came in expecting to see Nick here still...they had said goodbye to him on Friday, but they forgot...

My mom told me that my granpa is not doing so well...he is in the hospital, and they dont seem to think he is gonna make it...there sure have been alot of deaths in this family in the last year....with having to say good bye to nick and this too i was not doing well last night...

Sunday, November 18, 2007

too fast

The time with nick just seems to fly by...dosnt seem like he was here for 2 weeks...Im pretty bummed today...I miss him...I put him on the plane at 7am...this time was harder letting him go...i just couldnt do it...
We had a good time while he was here...Just hung out mostly...he got me a ring for Christmas...No, not an engagement ring...but a pretty ring with hearts on it...its kind of a just because ring...if that makes sense...lol...I have his dog tags too...Nick picked out a Kitten...it is so adorable...he has some wild fur! when i get some better pictures i will post them...while here this time my mom took some pictures for us...some of just him and i, and some of me and the boys...i cant wait to see them...she said they looked awesome...Nicks mom got me some really pretty sweaters for christmas...she made all the boys a blanket...they love them...i wish i knew how to do that kind of stuff...we had his family xmas/thanksgiving and it was great...i love his family...we had dinner with his parents and my mom last night...it was just gonna be the 2 of us, but his dad was coming back early so we invited the parents also...they seem to get along great...well, im out for now, need to get some things done...I will write more later..

Monday, November 12, 2007

happy Veterans day

Happy Veterans Day to those I know, the ones I dont know, and the ones I love...I come from a family of men that have served...ive lost a great grandfather to war...Thank you to those who keep my family safe by keeping the fighting out of my back yard..And thank you to the families and other loved ones left behind while the ones they love are overseas..my family is greatful to you...Nick, im proud to call myself your girl...and im proud to be the one waiting for you back home..I love you..


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Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Things and such

This week has been great...Nick got here on Sunday, then we went to his parents house for dinner...that is always great...I love his family...They are so welcoming...I always enjoy spending time with them...Monday we just kind of hung out, very nice...gave us some time alone, and time to just sit and do nothing...very rarely do i actually sit and do nothing...Tuesday we did some grocery shopping, and he got some Christmas shopping done for his family...We stopped into Lowes to see my mom, then after picking the boys up from school, we went to his parents house to spend some more time with them...Tonight he is hanging with some friends, and i got a bunch of cleaning done...

Today was Logans EEG...He was scared at first, he kept asking if they were gonna give him shots...he was so brave, and the technician that did it was really great with him...she explained everything she was doing so he wouldnt be so nervous...I dont know the results yet, they will have them in about a week...Nick came with us, it was nice not having to do that stuff alone...I am so use to being alone that i didnt know how to handle having someone there for moral support...

This weekend we have his deployment party...we are hoping for a great turnout...then we have his early, thanksgiving/christmas too...so far next week we dont have much planned...Dinner with my mom one night, and she is gonna take pictures of us...and next Friday we are gonna try to go out and let loose andhave some fun...maybe hit Wayside, so i can shake my booty, and play some really bad pool...yes, really bad pool! I suck at it, but its fun..lol...Saturday night i think we are spending alone..at lease i hope we are....It will be the last night i get to spend with him before he heads to Iraq....i wont see him again for at least 7 months...arg! rough, but maneagable...its worth the wait...well, im getting off here, and finishing up for the night so that i dont have to think about what needs to be done tomorrow...night...

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Saturday, November 3, 2007

Behind the names

TARA (1)
Gender: Feminine
Usage: English
Pronounced: TAHR-a, TER-a [key]
Anglicized form of the Irish place name Teamhair, which possibly means "elevated place" in Gaelic. This was the name of the sacred hill near Dublin where the Irish high kings resided. Tara was also used as the name of the O'Hara plantation in the novel and movie 'Gone with the Wind'


TARA (2)
Gender: Feminine
Usage: Indian, Hindu Mythology
Other Scripts: तारा (Sanskrit)
Means "star" in Sanskrit. Tara is the name of a Hindu astral goddess, the wife of Brhaspati. She was abducted by Soma, a god of the moon, leading to a great war that was only ended when Brahma intervened and released her. This is also the name of a Buddhist deity (a female Buddha).


NICHOLAS
Gender: Masculine
Usage: English, French
Pronounced: NI-ko-las (English), nee-ko-LA (French) [key]
From the Greek name Νικολαος (Nikolaos) which meant "victory of the people" from Greek νικη (nike) "victory" and λαος (laos) "people". Saint Nicholas was a 4th-century bishop from Anatolia who, according to legend, saved the daughters of a poor man from lives of prostitution. He is also known as Santa Claus (from Dutch Sinterklaas), the bringer of Christmas presents. He is the patron saint of children, sailors and merchants, and Greece and Russia. Nicholas was also the name of two czars of Russia and five popes


MICHAEL
Gender: Masculine
Usage: English, German, Czech, Biblical
Pronounced: MIE-kul (English), MI-khah-el (German) [key]
From the Hebrew name מִיכָאֵל (Mikha'el) which meant "who is like God?". This is the name of one of the seven archangels in Hebrew tradition and the only one identified as an archangel in the Bible. In the Book of Revelation in the New Testament he is portrayed as the leader of heaven's armies, and thus is considered the patron saint of soldiers.
This was the name of nine Byzantine emperors and a czar of Russia. Other more modern bearers of this name include the 19th-century chemist/physicist Michael Faraday and basketball player Michael Jordan.


LOGAN
Gender: Masculine & Feminine
Usage: Scottish, English
Pronounced: LO-gan [key]
From a surname which was originally derived from a Scottish place name meaning "little hollow" in Scottish Gaelic.


STEVEN
Gender: Masculine
Usage: English
Pronounced: STEEV-en [key]
Usual English form of STEPHEN. The filmmaker Steven Spielberg, director of 'ET' and 'Indiana Jones', is a famous bearer of this name.


DOMINIC
Gender: Masculine
Usage: English
Pronounced: DAWM-in-ik, DOM-in-ik [key]
From the Late Latin name Dominicus meaning "of the Lord". This name was traditionally given to a child born on Sunday. Several saints have borne this name, including the 13th-century founder of the Dominican order of friars.

I got all this info from http://www.behindthename.com/

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween 2007 and other stuff

the kids had a great time! the twins werent feeling really well, but they got throug it..denny went with us so that i wasnt alone trying to take care of everyone..thought that was nice...here are some pictures






I also took some really pretty pictures of the fall colors today...



in all it was a beautiful day..we really enjoyed it...
well, nick gets in on Sunday! i cant wait...only a couple more days and i get to see him..yay!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

stuff

This week went by so slow! Denny took the kids to Kellogg on Thursday, and they brought home a ton of candy! way too much...not sure yet what im gonna do with it all...Halloween isnt even here yet, and they are overloaded...they still have the class parties, and trick or treating...I hope this week flies by...i want sunday to get here fast...

Steven is sick again...he was just sick and finally getting over it, and now he has a fever again...people dont seem to have enough sense to keep there kids home when they are sick, so kids whose immune systems suck end up sick over and over...i do everything i can think of...they wash there hands as soon as they walk in the door...and all throughout the day...if they dont stop missing shool they will be held back...i dont want that for them...

I should be getting my divorce papers in the mail very soon...i cant wait...

Nick will be here ina week...im excited for that...

yep

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Friday, October 26, 2007

venting

I was in the living room and seen someone pull into the driveway, so i went to the door, and before i could even ask what they wanted she shoves some product in my face saying its free and they are just out promoting a new company...i said no thanks, these kind of people come to my door all the damn time...she was all hyped up on something...she kept shoving them at me, and putting her hands in the doorway so that i couldnt shut the door...now i see that as a violation of my private space, and i about hit her...she is lucky i didnt ....i would have knocked the bitch out....

what these people do, is they put the product in your hand saying its a free gift..then they start talking and dont shut up...they say you can keep the product as long as i let them do a demonstration...No fucking thank you! like i am gonna let some stranger in my home...anyway, they keep talking and trying to convince you, all while you are trying to hand them back the stuff they shoved in your hands...last time i kept trying to hand the stuff back, and the man wouldnt take it...so i finally had to throw the stuff on the ground and lock the door...this time the bitch stuck her hands in the way so i couldnt shut the door...last person that did that to me got body slammed to the ground...arg, now my blood is rushing...

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

to close

Well on the phone last night, Nick told me he got his date for deployment...This sucks Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Of course, i knew it was coming, but to have the actual date makes it so real...as if it wasnt real enough before...ugh, how do you not worry all the time?

Monday, October 22, 2007

i'm the girl

i found this on a site i belong to and had to share it...

"I'm The Girl""

I'm the girl standing behind you in line at the grocery store, eyeing the newest Support Our Troops magnet. The look on my face is complacent and my thoughts are miles away on some military base I've only been verbally described over the phone.I'm the young woman in the next car with the windows rolled up and the glassy visage only on the road ahead. The radio is set to one of the local country stations which is currently playing "Letters From Home". But you can't hear it because you're talking to a family member or friend on your cell phone. You catch a glance at the Army sticker on the bumper of my car but you don't know when the song reaches "my dearest love it's almost dawn, I've been laying here all night long, wondering where you might be", my heart breaks a thousand times.I'm the girl who visits the Army web site at odd hours of the night to find some kind of comfort for that lonesome feeling that has settled in the pit of my stomach.I'm the woman who has fought an inner battle, trying to accept the path the man I love has chosen. I'm the woman who will willingly sacrifice my family, my home to follow a man clear across the country. I'm the woman who never asked for this but deals with it without complaint.I'm the young woman who swells with pride everytime I see my Soldier standing tall in his uniform. I'm the one who spots an Army sticker, license plate, or flag and feels a connection with its owner, hoping that maybe I'm not alone in this melancholy, sacrificial situation.I am the young woman who tries to hide her tears whenever she recieves a call from her Soldier. Knowing that no matter what the problem is that he still loves her. Whether or not shes red & blotchy. I am the young woman who holds her breath everytime she recieves an unknown call. Worried that somewhere her heart may be breaking.I am the young woman who tries her hardest to go about my everyday life. I am the young woman who tries to concentrate during my classes and do the job I get paid to do. I am the young woman who hates sleeping alone. I am the young woman who closes my eyes and pretends that the man I love is laying there next to me, his arms wrapped around me. I am the young woman who tries not to miss him, who tries not to cry whenever I hear his name or even the mention of Soldiers. I am the woman who is terrified that the love of my life will be sent off to war.I am many things.A daughterA sisterA nieceA friendBut most importantly, I am the girlfriend of a United States Solider."

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Sunday, October 21, 2007

doing the happy dance!!!

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2 Weeks from today and i get to see my man!! so i am doing a little happy dance right now!!!

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yep, i know im crazy, but im excited...this time has seemed longer then any other because he was at NTC and communication was so limited...

another thing to dance about, by now my divorce papers should have been filed...Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket I will be a free woman by next summer...that is definately something to celebrate..ive been waiting for this for a while now!!

ugh, it always is such a pain waiting for the kids to come home on Sunday nights...i enjoy my quiet time, but by sunday night im ready to give them hugs and kisses again...they will be home within the next couple of hours..yay!!!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

nothing much

Not alot of new to announce...update on Logan...he hasnt had any more seizures...he has an appointment with a Nuerologist to do an EEG in November...I cant wait for that to be done...I want to know whats going on with him...he was able to go back to school friday, but he kind of clung to me...he didnt want to leave me...

nick will be here in 2 weeks...I cant wait..i miss him so much...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

updates

well, Logan had his doctor appointment yesterday...still don't seem to know what is going on with his seizure...the fact that he was sick seems to have nothing to do with the seizure though...It was basically just 2 hits at once...We have another appointment tomorrow morning to talk about sending him to a neurologist in Kalamazoo, because he motor skills are slowly declining...I'm really freaked out about it...I am trying not to, but I've becoming a little more scary as the days go by..he couldn't walk heel to toe in a straight line, couldn't stand still and straight with his eyes closed...and couldn't follow her finger with his own finger...he never had those problems before...he was always clumsy when he was little, but that went away...So tomorrow is another appointment with the same doctor to talk about all our options...I just hope my little man is OK...

seems that so many things keep happening..its amazing i have broke yet...My grandma is still waiting patiently in the nursing home, healing and working her ass off to get mobile enough to go home...they thought she would be able to last Saturday, but the doc didn't release her...hopefully soon...

As i am writing this something amazing and needed is happening in my life...Denny is with a consultant filling out the paperwork for our divorce...I really am excited about this...it will allow me to get on with life, and take the next step in the road ahead...i know how awful to be excited about a divorce right? its OK, you can think that, but we are better people, and better parents apart...i am happy...

Nick will be home soon...i am really looking foreword to it...with all that is happening, i need to have him to hold on to...i just really need it...too bad i have to give him back,but we are dealing with it well...the closer deployment gets the more i am feeling panicked...but i know he will come back to me...

I am physically exhausted, and emotionally from all that has gone on in the last week, but with knowing that things will be started in my quest for my new life has me wired...what a roller coaster ride...

back from war

Monday, October 15, 2007

interactive blog

So in light of a few things ive been dealing with lately, i wanted to start something different...

Tell me what does the word "father"or "Dad" mean to you? And what role do you think they play in the family?

Now give me some time to answer my own blog, because i want to be able to answer this completely and without getting pissed...so i want to think about what i write first...but it came to me while i was cooking dinner tonight...

Frustration

Well most of the weekend after the seizure incident logan was fine...he was moody but fine this morning, but felt ok, so he went to school..I even let him sleep in his own bed...oh but what a night last night..at every little sound i was up out of bed and running up the stairs...

anyway, I sent him to school this morning, and the school called for me to pick him up...at first when i seen the number that was calling i panicked, i was already headed out the door when she told me logan was sick...i picked up the phone, and before she could tellme what was up, i was headed for the van...Now logan has a fever, and stomach ache, no sinus problem, or cold symptoms except for a cough...arg! I want my little man healthy, and at this point its just a wait and see thing...I AM NOT A PATIENT PERSON! DAMMIT!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

not so fun

Boy has this day sucked...I woke up at 4 am to logan having a seizure...omg, i panicked...I had no idea how to handle it...he has never had one before...I ended up having to call 911...i was freaking out..They did some blood work, a CAT scan, and some urine tests, and everything came back normal...there was nothing they could find that would cause it...so finally about 9 am i was able to bring him home....I was scared as hell....he is sleeping in my room tonight...i cant seem to make myself put him in his own bed...i am still just too freaked about it...I have to make him an appointment, they are gonna do an EEG on him i guess...the doctor said to live life as normal, just to limit some things for him for now...no bike riding, and no climbing too high, just in case he has another...when we were sitting in the hospital waiting for the tests to come back, i asked himif he remember why he came down stairs to lay on the couch...he said that he woke up and was scared because there was a bad man standing next to his bed, so he came down to the couch...He also says he remembers shaking when he was having the seizure...but im not sure if thats becuase he heard me talking about it to someone...I just dont know...Im totally confused about the bad man comment...

I have never known a time when i felt so alone as i did today...I was alone in the ER with 4 little boys, and no one to help me...I was scared for my little boy, and i had no one to share that burden with me...Nick called me several times throughout the morning, and that made me feel alot better...Denny was up north and didnt make the trip back to be with Logan...his own personal decision i guess...I am not gonna touch that subject...I am so tired, but i dont want to go to sleep tonight...what if it happens again...what if its something that is in the air here, or something like that...

Friday, October 12, 2007

my week

I realized this morning that i hadnt posted an actual blog since the beginning of the week, so i thought i would...not that anything too exciting really happened this weekend...Just the typical stuff...I had a mouse problem, and im not sure why..i have no open food around, and sweep and vacuum after every meal..so there is nothing for them to eat...well i got rid of them, and now i am having to clean up there mess..so i have been rearranging my cupboards too...i figure why not, i have to take every thing out of them anyway...I cant have things the same for too long, drives me nuts!

The boys have bowling tonight...thats always fun...One of these days i will have to take steven and dominic so they can bowl also...school went good for them this week...steven was sick on thursday...Logan came home because they said he had lice...but i think they are nuts...i found nothing but sand in his hair...so, i gave him a shower and checked again..buzzed his hair just in case...but none of the others have it, and they are always wrestling around...so i think that they were wrong...there is just no possible way that he would ahve it and not the others...half the time when they wake up in the morning one of them has crawled into be with the other...

ive been fighting whatever illness is going around...causing me headaches and sinus pain...I went to bed on wednesday night with a headache, and woke up with it Thursday morning, and tired as hell...then this morning i woke with a sore throat...but after a hot shower my throat was fine...so who knows...ive been loading up on the vitamins, hopefully that will make it short...I usually end up with bronchitis this time of year...

nick will be here in about 3 weeks...Im so excited, and so are the boys...he gets to come to his first conferences with us..lol...I am really looking foreward to the time with him...Saying goodbye is always so hard though...its rough...We are gonna have to try to work in early Thanksgiving and Christmas while he is here, and also try to do some sort of party for him so we can send him off to his deployment with a BANG! thats gonna be the roughest part, knowing that when he leaves this time he is headed overseas...makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it..But once he is done with his deployment he is mine all mine...I wont have to give him back to the army...All mine...ok so i will have to share him with friends and family, eventualy...lol...Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

as we grow

i got this in a forewarded email, and wanted to post it here...i didnt write it, but i really liked it...


As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too,
so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love
for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone
you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every
sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.
Send this to all of your friends in the next 5 minutes
and a miracle will happen tonight

Distance

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Monday, October 8, 2007

Last few days

I was so damn tired l st night that i went to bed at 9pm...now, those of you who know me, know that I don't usually go to bed before midnight...I was exhausted..I babysat all last week, then Friday night took 5 boys to the bowling ally...3 of them only to sit and watch while the older boys bowled...Denny never showed up at the bowling ally..then we can back here, and still no Denny...I wasn't about to miss the Motorcycle parade, so me and 5 boys walked into town for it...I have a hell of a time seeing in the dark, so i told them if they didn't stay close we would turn around and come back and they wouldn't be able to watch them...There were so many there, it was great!! Denny finally showed up to pick the boys up after the parade was done...

Saturday morning i went to the car show in town, and i expected it to be dull, and lifeless, because well, this is Bangor...But there were a ton of cars...Not as many as would be in Kalamazoo of course, but the streets were filled with them...Absolutely beautiful....I love old cars, and i love motorcycles, so its was great...they were playing music in town, and everyone seemed to be in such great spirits...It was hot as hell though....I cant believe we are having 90 degree weather in October...I had taken a shower just before walking into town, and by the time i got home i had to take another because it was so humid...after that i went into plainwell and picked up my mom and we went to see my gma, and then off to my aunts for a bon fire...we got back to my moms at 1am...I was tired from being hot all day, so i went straight to bed...Even though i was so tired, it took me till 3 am to fall asleep, then i woke about every half hour....my gmas bed was so uncomfortable...I don't know how she sleeps on it...s

Sunday we got up at 7 am...went and picked up my gma from the nursing home for the morning, and we went to vineyard cafe to have a memorial type thing for my uncle Dan...It was so wonderful...So many people showed up...my gma paid for all the coffee for the whole restaurant from open to close for the day in memory of my uncle...It was great to finally be able to do this...It was like there was no closure, and like we never really had the chance to say good bye...he died in Arizona, and had his ashes spread on a mountain there...He was an amazing man, and the fact that all those people showed up to remember him was such an awesome feeling, and my family appreciates it so much...He was a wild child kind of guy, but so respected...the kind that would have given you the last piece of bread even if he was hungry...it was an emotional morning as some of his old buddies from as far back as high school told stories...laughing and crying..it was beautiful...i know, its been a year since he died, but he was my favorite man, and such a beautiful human, and we finally got our goodbyes...My family is grateful to everyone who showed up, and to Vineyard Cafe in Lawton for doing this special thing for us...

After the memorial, my mom and I took my gma back, and then went to the house to move some more boxes around...her garage was just over run with boxes of stuff still...so we took a bunch in, and moved the rest of them around to make more space...it was hot Sunday too...i got home, and stood in the shower fora long time..lol...the boys got home at 8pm all showered so that i didn't have to do it...was very nice of there daddy to do that...I still cant believe i went to bed at 9pm!

Nick got back to Hawaii today....I am soooo glad for that...He gets his Internet back up and running tomorrow, so i will finally get to see his face on web cam again...getting text messages from him again was so great too...It had been a while since i had gotten some...1 here and there when he had enough of a signal, but not many...He called me this morning at 2am to say he was back...I called him this morning, when i got up, he was headed to bed after hanging out with a buddy for a while...cant wait to talk to him again this afternoon...he said i could call, but its been a while since he got to sleep in his own bed, so I'm not gonna bug him just yet...soon though..lol...a little over 3 weeks and i get to see him again! i cant wait....

Thursday, October 4, 2007

updates and more

Not a whole lot has been happening really...life is pretty straight foreward lately...I wake up, time depending on what day it is...mon, wed, and fri, i wake up at 5;3o to walk on the treadmill...then get the kids up and off to school...work on the house till its time to pick them up...and then do the mommy thing...One of these days i will find a job to fill those daytime hours...I have been babysitting after school...gives me a little extra money...

tommorrow is michael and logans bowling day...they really seemto like it...its my weekend without them so, im gonna head to the motorcycle parade after that...Saturday im gonna hit the car show down town...hang out there for a bit...then not sure about saturday night...my mom said something about going to a bar...so we will see...

Sunday we are doing a memorial type thing for my uncle Dan...he died one year ago Oct. 7th...its hard to believe its already been a year...He was my favorite uncle...the one man in my life that i learned something positive from...he was a little nutty, but it was part of what made him Dan...I have alot of his personality...Anyway, we are having a little thing sunday morning, at a cafe in Lawton...My gma is paying for everyones coffee for the morning hours...we are hoping that alot of people show up...he was very popular in lawton...one of the worst things about it for me i think, is i kept meaning to write him a letter, and never got around to it...i kept thinking there was always tommorrow...i never did write that letter, and now tomorrow isnt there, not for him...

I found out last night that Nick only gets 2 weeks of leave with us before he heads to Iraq...I was so bummed about it last night that i couldnt continue talking...I just lost all thought after that...we were hoping to have him home for Thanksgiving seems how we couldnt have him for Christmas...but what can you do? we will just have to make the best of the time while he is here...i miss him...very much...

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

yay, you go boy!!!

Michael came home with a progress report today...he is getting an A in math and reading...yay michael....He is getting Credit in other classes...they have a special grading scale for him for the other stuff...But an A in reading in math is such an accomplishment for him...mommy is so proud of you..

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Life

This week seems to just be flying by...I went to see my gma today...she is doing well...i helped her with her physical therapy, and we walked around the nursing home...then we went outside in the sunshine for a while...The place she is in is beautiful, but im glad she will be able to go home...Now is the task of coming up with a temporary wheelchair ramp...We are gonna find something that is easy to take down so that when she can go up and down the stairs it can be taken down...i had to leave her earlier today then normal, she had done alot of work, and needed some rest before lunch...she told me she really enjoyed my visits because they are always so much more relaxing...made me feel good...

The boys have been ok this week...They are getting a bit frustrated with something, and im not sure why...but i will figure it out...They are getting excited about halloween already...They have lots of things planned at school...they all have field trips this month...they are excited about that too...

My gma would like my mom and i to do a memorial thing for my uncle on Sunday...He died one year ago October 7th...I cant believe its been so long...this last year has just flown by...She got tears in her eyes when she started talking about it today...Everything she has gone through in the last month has got to be pretty rough on her...

Nick will be home 1 month from tommorrow...i cant wait to see him..i hope this month flies by...He is still stuck in California...He was suppose to be going back to Hawaii tommorrow, but now they are figuring between the 8th,and 10th....Strange...its been almost 2 months since i seen his face on web cam...or chatted with him online, or had more then a half hour conversation...its been rough, but worth it...sooner or later he will be home for good...

Monday, October 1, 2007

oh man, i dont know what my problem was, but yesterday was rough...It was just one of those days that i wanted to stay in bed...I was just missing nick bad...1 more month to get through, then i get to see him again...I am just not use to having such limited contact with him, and its starting to get to me...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket I think the kids were feeling it too, because they were just all in bad moods...fighting with each other, and cranky...They seemed to be better this morning...omg, all they can talk about is Halloween, and its still 30 days away...lol, by the time it gets here im gonna be pulling my hair out...ah well, i am glad they are excited about it...i love to see their faces light up that way...

Nothing too exciting is really going on...My gma is healing well...i am going to see my mom on sunday, and sheis gonna look over the divorce papers with me so that i am sure to fill them out right...Then its just a matter of time before i can file...it will make me feel better to get them filled out though, and maybe i will get lucky and once i have the papers filled in maybe denny will pay for the filing...we will see...I know we have been seperated for 2 years, but how do i explain all this to my boys..they know we arent together anymore, but they do know we are still married...i just have to find a way to explain things to them...i really am very excited to be free of those papers, and move on with life...Life is so much more laid back, and my boys are better too...

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Saturday




The boys and I went to the park on Saturday...We had a blast...Fed the ducks, and walked alot...They found lots of stuff to climb on and wore themselves out...It is so fun to watch them feed the ducks...simple things seem to make us happier these days...

Saturday, September 29, 2007

If your reading this

Thank you

Thank you Genesha for the gift that you have given my family...What a blessing it was this morning to receive this gift...Your kindness is appreciated...Your kindness will also never be forgotten...
Tara Starbuck and her boys.....

In a world where it seems these days that everything is falling apart, and the world is just full on bad intent, a day like today is so very cherished...and very unexpected...so whoever, or whatever you are, my heart and the heart of my boys is smiling today..It is days like today that my faith is restored...blessings to you also


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Thursday, September 27, 2007

Sleeping with the telephone

well nick and i arent married of course, but i wanted to share this, because i just love this song...now my eyes are all red and puffy..lol...thanks to whoever showed me this song!!

Reba McEntire Sleeping With The Telephone Lyrics Featuring:

I knew who he was When I took his name But somehow knowin' Is just not the same late at night He knows the danger But he does what he does He calls it duty But I call it love So here I am While he’s gone To some foreign land And I cry'Cause I’m alone And the nights get so cold and long And I try not to think he won’t come homeBut I’m sleeping with the telephone The yellow ribbon on my neighbor’s gate Always reminds me that someone’s awake Just like me I hear the sirens And I watch the newsHe laughs and leaves with his gunAnd his blue uniformAnd I pray God keeps him safe from harm And I cry'Cause I’m aloneAnd the nights get so cold and long And I try not to think he won’t come home But I’m sleeping with the telephoneI loose him in my darkest dream s And my blood runs cold and my heart skips a beatSo I get up; I can’t take anymore Sometimes I hate how much I love him But everyday I love him moreAnd I try not to think he won’t come home But I’m sleeping with the telephone Something awakes me from where he should beI reach for him; the telephone rings

PREJUDICE, IGNORANCE, HATE

I grew up believing that every mans faith was his own, and that what a person believes is what gets them through this life...I have my beliefs, but i dont expect anyone else to follow them...i do expect that as long as i am not forcing my issues on anyone else that i should be left alone to believe, and live my life the way i see fit...I dont understand the idea of hating someone for what they believe...friday night this community was hit hard by an act of violence that would devistate any religion...I have been thinking about this all day...and trying to come up with the words to explain myself...but now that i am sitting here typing this, im at a loss as to what i want to say...Someone i had the pleasure meeting on about a dozen occasions was beaten on Friday night...I Dont know all of the facts, but this struck a nerve with me...first of all, this man, no matter what his religion, is a really nice man...He was beaten to the point of having to have brain surgery, and is on life support...Left on the side of the road like he didnt matter...he is still in a coma, and hasnt regained consiousness since he was found...yeah, its possible that it was just a random act of violence...but i have a really strong feeling that it wasnt...

i had so many thoughts running through my head, and now i cant seem to get them straight, so im leaving at that...I was standing in the shower, and everything i wanted to put here was coming to mind, and now i cant think...all i can say is it takes a real coward to beat a man that way...yep a coward, because, a real man would talk out there differences instead of doing stupid things to hurt someone in any way...I am mad, and maybe that is why i cant get everything out the way i want it to come out...so, maybe i will try again tommorrow...

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

SLEEP, i need some

For the last couple of weeks i have barely been getting any sleep...and when i do finally get some i get woke up by crazy ass dreams...two nights in a row i have only gotten a couple hours of sleep...sunday night i finally fell asleep only to wake from a hellacious dream at 4am...didnt go back to sleep after that...Last night, i went to bed about 10:30pm, and didnt fall alseep till after 2am...then woke back up at 4:30, 5, and finally 6...if i am lucky i will get some good sleep tonight...usually when i cant sleep i am stressed about something...but im not at all...my gma is doing good, my mom is back from the wedding and all is great on the homefront...i even got a temporary job, which will help with filing the divorce papers...

i got picture order forms, and a fundraiser packet for all thekids this week...the fundraiser just istn gonna happen...and omg, pictures are so damn expensive this year...i cant believe the cost...i swear it has doubled in price...the boys get to bowl again this friday...i think it will go alot smoother this time...

its getting ready to storm right now, so time to turn all the lights off and enjoy the light show...nighty night..

Sunday, September 23, 2007

my weekend

This weekend wasnt too bad...It went by really fast...My grandma is doing well...she is still full of spunk, and has that light in her eyes...i am really glad for that...they have already started physical therapy for her...

My boys got home at a decent time tonight, all showered and readyfor bed...i was glad for that, it gave me a chance to spend some time with them before they went to bed...I didnt go to the hospital today...i got my house cleaned up, and when i woke this morning, i felt like crap..i had a fever, but i think that is gone now, but now i have a really bad headache, and my back has been hurting...thursday night i slipped ona blanket laying on the floor upstairs, and my back has been hurting since then...i need to have it cracked, but have no one to do it...the boys seemed to have a good weekend...sounds like they spent most of it with daddy, and i think that made a difference...they were glad to be home though...i always miss them so much when they are gone, but i knowit is a break i need...

Nick only has about 2 more weeks at NTC thank goodness...i am missing the sound of his voice so bad right now...cant wait to see him again...wish i could see him sooner...i miss him...the boys miss him...so, that was my weekend...nothing too exciting..

Friday, September 21, 2007

TGIF

Nothing too exciting happed today...Last night I was wired...i didnt fall alseep till after 2am...i just had so much energy...

denny picked the boys up from school and took them bowling tonight...I wanted to be there for they're first league game, but needed to see my gma too...He called while i was up at the hospital, and said logan was crying because he didnt know how to bowl the right way, and michaels team mates where were teaching him...i guess he finally talked logan into bowling...michael is the only boy on a team of girls, and i guess the girls were just all over him trying to help teach him..lol..my lil 9 year old pimp...i was torn between being with my gma, and being with my boys...

So my gma is doing well, she was sore, and they made her sit up today...but she is in high spirits, flirting with the doctors and everything..lol...i stayed up there for a while...she was starting to get tired, and i was too, so i came home...we are trying to work it out so that she can go home instead of a rehabilitation place, but not sure how we could work it out...they ended up fixing her arm yesterday too..

i miss my boys already this weekend...normally i get a chance to say bye to them, but this time i didnt...





Wednesday, September 19, 2007

i agree with erin, crappy day

I am really glad this day is about to come to and end...It was a long, long day...I spent the majority of my day while the kids where in school at the hospital with my gma...It was good to be there and i felt really useful being able to keep her company...She is scheduled for surgery at 3pm tommorrow...they are doing a total hip replacement...while i was there today they had to move her from side to side to clean off the area they will do surgery tommorrow, they have to do this 4 times before then....she asked me to leave the room becuase she didnt want me to see her in pain...so i went down to the vending machines and got a snack...i came back too soon...they were still moving her around, and she was screaming and crying...it was a scream i cant get out of my head...almost an animal like scream....she dosnt know i heard her, i pulled myself together before they were done...it is still ringing in my ears though...she was in so much pain...they set her arm and put it in a cast, but they will do surgery on it in a few weeks, after her hips heal up a bit...not sure how long she will be in the hospital...

so the rest of the day went smoothly..ive been a bit of a wreck, but ive managed to get through this day...it was so cute earlier, dominic decided to clean..lol..he cleaned michaels bedroom, and was so proud of himself, that he went on to clean the upstairs bedroom, and the front porch...then he folded up the blankets in the living room that go on the couch...my little helper for the day...he gets the good boy award for the day...Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

its not raining, its pouring

Today started out really well...cranky kids this morning, but other then that i got alot done...i had just picked up my boys from school and my mom calls me to tell me she is in the emergency room...im so frustrated right now i could scream...So many things keep happening to my family...my grandma fell today again, she is the one that broke her arm, the one that just moved onto a new house with my mom...anyway..she was able to call 911 she had her phone in her pocket...so the ambulance and my mom got there at the same time, they took her to Bronson ER...she broke her OTHER arm in 2 places, and her hip...omg her hip...this is the same grandmother that lost her oldest son and her mom within a month of each other last oct-nov...So as of now her arm is set.....she goes into surgery tommorrow to repair her hip...My cousin is getting married on a couple of days, and she was suppose to go to that...now there is no possible way, it is out of state, so no way...I cancelled my interview, because my mom is still going, and i need to be with my gma...im not worried about that part....i feel like my family is just dropping off the face of the earth lately...since last november, so many things have happened, not only do i have battles in my personal life, but now i am worried about her...I just feel like i am slowly losing my grip on the ability to see a positive in situations...what is positive about this?

a little of everything

The last couple of days have not been too bad...The boys and i spent the day together on Sunday, and just relaxed, well for most of the day anyway...I got a lot of writing done, and reading also...right now i am reading a book about an Amish community, its actually a trilogy...I'm on the last book now...its a great story...i have always been fascinated by the Amish....

Steven and Dominic started with their new teacher yesterday, so far, so good...they were in high spirits about it, although i think they miss there first one...she is the greatest teacher i have ever had for the boys...anyway, i talked to the new teacher this morning, and she said they did great yesterday..,She has a bit of a louder voice, but its not booming loud, so i think she will be very affective for them...i need to help them work on writing names better...they aren't very good at it, but if i write it, they will copy it underneath...Steven is better at the coloring and writing, and Dominic is better at the motor skills stuff...Logan had 2 sheets of homework yesterday, one of them just had the number 5 printed and nothing else..lol..logan had no idea what he was suppose to do with it, so i wrote the teacher a note telling her that i would help him with his homework as long as i knew what it was suppose to be..Michael seems to be really happy with his teacher...his confidence level is way up, and he is starting to do alot more things by himself...i am really happy with things so far...

I talked to Nick last night for about 15 minutes...he seems in good spirits even though NTC is not real organized at this point...He misses everyone so much...the boys ha vent been able to talk to him in a couple of weeks because of his schedule, but they are doing OK with it...He cant wait to get back to Hawaii, and i cant wait till he is too...then a month later he will be home for a few weeks...then off to Iraq....

I have an interview on Saturday for some office work...we will see how that goes...I don't think it is going to work out...it is for a company that I'm not to sure about...my first instinct is to back out of it, but what will an interview hurt...I am having trouble finding a job, because of having to be out early, but i know i will find the right one...I still want to do daycare, but i have to make money to get all the things together for that one...they require you to have everything completely done before you send in the application now...whereas before you could send in the application, and get everything finished within 6 months...so now i am kind of stuck....I have to come up with the money for Christmas, last year i sold my 4 wheeler to buy the kids some presents, i need to come up with the money for my divorce, and the money for this daycare thing....I'm very frustrated, i know it will all work out, but at the moment, I'm really not looking fore ward to Christmas this year...i know it has nothing to do with the presents, but its nice to have a few things under there...this year i have nothing to sell..ah well, no sense stressing about it this early...it will all come together....

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Saturday

Boy today seemed to drag on so bad...i didnt get anything done till just now...but once i started i just kept on going...lol...funny how that works...The boys are in bed now, so its just time to chill...I was so cold all day, had a heck of a time getting warm...The boys were so full of energy today...they just seemed to giggle and laugh all day...of course with 4 hyper boys you end up having a few disagreements too...but they are laying in bed quietly now...i told them if they went to bed with no fussing that we would go to the park tommorrow for a picnic...they dont need to know that even if they dont we are still going...
i was suppose to have some friends over tonight, but i guess they decided that they werent gonna show or call...but whatever, I am getting use to it...I thought it would be a nice change to have friends over, keep my mind off of being so lonely lately, but it didnt happen...guess i will sit down and read and write for a while, then go to bed...i have some other work to do also...no better time then now to get it done...

Friday, September 14, 2007

just do it...lol

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The last couple of days have just seemed to go so slowly...I got a call from the twins principal the other day, and my first thought was OMG they are getting into trouble already..lol...Well, that's not what it was about...Seems that there aren't as many kindergartners as they figured they would have this year, so the teacher that they have is being moved down to the preschool or something like that....I am really disappointed....I really like this teacher and i just cant see the boys with a different one...Steven and Dominic are kind of upset about it, but they seem to do OK with change, so i think they will adjust quickly...At least i hope this change doesn't set them back at all, if it does I'm not sure what i will do...Too many more changes to this school and I will pull them out and put them in a different one...Ive already talked to Denny about it...And he agrees...
So, something to be excited about!!!! Michael and Logan will be joining a junior bowling league...I am so excited for them, it will be there first team type thing...i am worried that Michael wont want to follow through with it, but we will see...I am just so excited that they will be doing something like this...I sign them up tonight, and they start bowling next Friday! My only issue is the money for it, but I am sure I will work it out somehow...
The last couple of days have been so strange...They have Nick in a different part of the training center, well now they are actually at the training part instead of the base....Sprint doesn't get a signal out there, so my days have been very quiet...No text messages or short "i love you" phone calls....He has been borrowing buddies phones at night to call me, and the calls have only been 10-20 minutes...I knew it would be like this, but I don't really think I had myself completely prepared for it...I miss him, and I'm so lonely without him, he is trying his best to keep in touch though...My phone is just so damn quiet, he really is the only one that calls me these days...I think i have made my friends mad or something, but nothing i can really do about that...Nick got his plane tickets, well the itinerary at least...So now at least i know when he is coming and going...Letting him go this time is going to be so much harder...This time I am putting him on the plane to send him overseas....well shortly after he goes back at least...I am dreading that...
Time to start my day and get stuff done...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Silence

Do you ever notice how strange it is when you have total silence...Seems like the TV or radio is on at all times...Or there is always the kids noise, which in all actuality is a beautiful noise...but there is always background noise...it is kind of like we are afraid of silence...afraid to take a moment of nothingness...I realized today that i was getting annoyed with the things on the TV...So I made a challange to myself to turn it off...I wasnt watching it anyway...My first instinct when the Tv was turned off, was to head to the kitchen and turn on the radio...As i stood there with my hand on the button i decided against it and made a decision to feel the silence...It was great...I really enjoyed it...I got a few things done, then took the time to sit in the silent house and write for a couple of minutes, then read for a while...i really dont know how long it has been for me since i sat in total silence and just let my mind work....Very relaxing, and i feel renewed, and feel better about the end of the school day coming...I challenge to you turn off the tv, and the radio for a little while each day and just be alone with the silence...it does wonders for a person....

WTF?

It really dosnt suprise me that we have all of these anorexic women these days...All i have heard on the news and radio this morning is about how fat a celebrity looked on tv last night or something like that...Well i thought she looked beautiful, and it is a shame that a woman that has had 2 kids close together is made fun of for having some extra weight...she was far from overweight...People judge way before they ever know or care to know the circumstances revolving around it...I am overweight...I have a thyroid disease...I walk a mile 3 times a week, dont eat much junk food, take my boys on bikerides and walks...I am still overweight...It is just who i am...I have one person that seems to feel the need to tell me how fat i am...I guess maybe it makes him feel like a bigger man...who knows...I just think it is rediculous that when we are doing what we can to be healthy you have these people trying to put you down all the time...get over yourselves, your not perfect either....

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

9/11/07

well i didnt name this post because i am sure the date says it all...its been a really long day...and im tired, and not feeling all that great...

There really are no words for today...its a sad day, and sometimes it seems that we havent come very far since then...yes, we got one jerk..but what about the others...since we lost all those lives on 9/11, we have lost more to war...and will continue to lose more...at this point i dont know how i feel about that anymore...Sometimes i think we should continue, other times i dont...Im not sure we are making progress anymore...sometimes i think they are just there policing now...

What i do know is that my man ships out in December...before christmas...Not sure yet if we get him for Thanksgiving ...His deployment is 15 months...it sucks, but it is definately worth the wait...i can handle it...i will miss him very much...

i had this whole blog planned out for today, but well, once i started typing, the urge to talk about just kind of faded away...Im having an off day...a day where im not doing so well, but tommorrow will be better, it always is...