Thursday, June 28, 2007

Lately

hey guys, i know i am behind on the updating thing, but here i am...Nick has gone to his buddies house for a while, so i decided to catch up on some things...we are having a great time...He flew in on sunday night,and we had dinner at his parents house...then hung out by the pool for a while...and omg, nick had just put his phone and wallet in his pocket and his brothers decided to throw him in the pool...so his new phone is ruined, but it sure was funny...Monday we picked the kids up, and decided it was too hot to do anything but go swimming, so we went back and swam all afternoon, then had dinner there...its so great, i have fun with his family...i was so nervous about the kids being over there, but it was great...his mom is awesome...very funny and easy to get along with...tuesday we just hung out here at home, relaxed a bit, it was nice...wednesday we went back to his parents house to swim...logan mastered the cannon ball...he is an excellent swimmer...dominic was all over the pool with his little arm floaties...michael does ok, he goes under water without plugging his nose...steven was jumping off the diving board with his floaties...its so cute...this weekend is Nick's birthday party...im very nervous about his whole family meeting my boys...so, we are having a great time...better go and get dinner done....

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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

crazy bitch and more

ok so here is the scoop...the crazy bitch that worked her way into my family, is now working on trying to ruin someone else's relationship...granted, mine was already in trouble, but this one wasnt untill now...i know, you have to blame both people when it comes to cheating, but damned if it isnt this same bitch...why cant she just get a life of her own...and do you know that she only goes after the ones that she knows make enough money to support her kids...thats all she is after...go get your own man, and leave the taken ones alone dammit...have a little more self respect then that...and to the group of friends that are passing you around you are so damn disguisting....are her famale parts made of gold? get a life...

ok, so she has taken up enough of my time....i am missing my boys...the ex has had them since monday night...i have been getting alot done in the house, but ive been so alone...i dont have any gas money to go anywhere, because i have only gotten half the money i normally get this month, so i am stuck here....im so frustrated at this point...i just want to bury my head in a hole....much of the day has been spent in tears...i am feeling like a faliur today...i cant work to support my boys so i am relying on child support alone...there are still almost 3 months till i will be able to get a job, and who the heck is gonna want to hire someone who can only work during the daytime hours...yeah, i might be able to find someone to watch the boys after school....but there are 4 of them...so i would have to find someone with 4 openings...im just frustrated today, and needed to vent...im made at the world today, and dont know how to deal with it...at this point i just dont know where to turn....i cant even get the ex to file the divorce papers so i can be done with that part...that weighs very heavily on me...and with being on such a limited income i cant afford to file on my own...life would be so much better if i could just get this damn divorce over with...i would feel less weighing on me...like i could move on with life....he has been gone for over a year and a half...its time to end it completely...no more paper attachment...i cant handle him having so much authority over my life...and i cant stand the fact that in that way he dictates how i live...i so want to be free of that....i just cant afford it...ok, so i think i have all my frustrations out for the day...we will see, i may post more later...thanks for taking the time to let me vent..

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Fathers day and a week

Today is Fathers Day...Happy Fathers Day to all the great dads out there...all it takes is a little sperm to make a baby, but it takes a real man to be a father...so to all those real men out there, i hope this is a great day for you...


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Only 7 more days till my Soldier Boy comes home for a visit...i cant wait to spend some time with him...its been almost 7 months since i seen him...

Saturday, June 16, 2007

weekend

well so far i have spent this weekend just plain frustrated...its hot, the kids wont play outside, and im just in a bad mood...my ankle hurts still, so my house is starting to look like a tornado came through it...i cant stand it when it gets like this...gives me a really pissed off attitude...i cant stand on it for too long still, it shoots pains up my leg....i dont have anyone to help me, my lawn is staring to grow high enough for the city to complain about it, so im gonna have to go out and mow at least the front tonight after it cools off a bit...my ankle aches so bad that its giving me a headache, and making my stomach just churn...im crabby today, and i know it...im not use to not being able to do things for myself...and if i dont do them, they dont get done...

so denny wants to take the kids starting monday, and keep them all week...the thought of that makes me nervous too...i don tlike the idea of being away from them that often this summer...in fact i hate the idea...i know i need a little time to get my house back in order from being hurt, but damn thats just too much time away...im still not use to that idea...anyway, enough of my crabby self

Friday, June 15, 2007

whew!

The kids are loving summer...and for the first time they are sleeping in a little bit...its sooooo nice...so i dont think they will be going to daddies every other week this summer, and that is fine by me...he hasnt mentioned it, and im not gonna ask...i dont want them to be gone that often anyway...im thinking of taking the boys to the beach this weekend, but i dont know yet...my ankle still hurts, and so my reaction time just isnt so fast, so i dont know yet...might just take them to the park where i can watch them better...oh man my house is a disaster...my ankle still hurts so i cant clean and stuff as much as i need to...i am getting way behind,and i have no help...the kids have been good enough to clean up there messes...logan has especially be helpful...

so guess what.......Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket im so excited!!!! too bad its not for good...but hey, every day we get through is another day closer to him being home for good....yay!!!

Monday, June 11, 2007

My Birthday

Well today is my birthday...nothing special really...went to breakfast with my mom and gma...my mom got me some yummy truffles, and flowers, and my gma gave me a painting of a castle that she painted...that means alot to me...my grandma does beautiful artwork, and i am always so glad when she gives one of her pieces to me...its so beautiful, that kind of stuff means more to me then anything you could buy...i got the boys back from their dad today about 2pm, then we went to the park in Lawrence to play for a couple of hours...well, they played, mommy sat and read a book with her leg propped up...but they had fun, and it was nice to be outside...its kind of a lonely day, but not a bad one...for some reason i am exhausted today...i took a nap after breakfast today, but it didnt help...so i thought i would write this profound blog on today of all days, but you know what, im just too tired i guess...my leg hurts, and i just want to sleep the day away...maybe i will feel like writing something a little deeper tommorrow...im off to play with my boys...thanks everyone for all the birthday greetings i have been getting...

Friday, June 8, 2007

ouch and more

so yesterday went really well till i decided to fall and sprain my ankle...talk about pain...i didnt even know a foot could bed that way! but it sure does...i stepped off the front step, and my ankle bent in half, and down i went! freaked the kids out, they never seen mommy get hurt before...they were kind of scared...i spent almost 4 hours in the ER last night...they did 7 xrays...and whew did it hurt when they were moving it around to do the xrays...im just glad its not broken...i would have hated having nick take careof me while he was on vacation, and there are lots of things we wouldnt have been able to do...for the most part it should be healed by the time he is here, maybe a little sore still...

speaking of Nick and his leave...The army just told him the other day that he could extend his leave from july 8th, to July 15th, but damned if its not too late to change the tickets...im really bummed about this...sometimes it feels as though something is working against us...this is the 2nd time this has happened in a year...he got back to hawaii in january only to find out he could have taken 3 weeks, instead of 2...we get very little time together, andi am greatful for what we do get...but im kind of upset about being cut short again...its painful enough to have to let him go, but to know that i am letting him go knowing that he has more vacation time just plain sucks...im not in a good mood today...in fact, im in a really bad mood...my leg hurts, my head hurts, and im mad at the army once again...so im gonna take my happy ass and lay down, and hope this day goes by fast...

Monday, June 4, 2007

Everything Happens For A Reason

I know i have written about this before, not on this blog, but on myspace...i decided to touch the subject again, because this summer is bringing about so many changes in my life...so here goes....

I believe that everything happens for a reason, no matter how small or how large the event may be...it happens to teach you something...I have lead alot of life in my almost 30 years...seen lots of things i probably shouldnt see...but you know everything has made me just that much stronger...

When i was 18 i made a decision to come back to Michigan without my mom...it was not a hard decision to make...i wasnt done with highschool yet, but i was ready to be my own person...and to be honest, when life is more of a challenge i do much better with it...i was on the honor roll for the first time in ages after i lived on my own...i never truly made it on my own at that point...so that part didnt go as planned...within 6 months of moving back, the man that i had planned to marry, and i broke up...It was devestating and i felt so very alone at that point, being without my mom, and not having him either...but it made me work that much harder to prove to myself thati could be something...when given the chance to get back with him i chose a different path...there are times i wonder what would have happened if i had taken the other option, and not the one i married, but you know i dont regret life at all...but when i look back at where life took a turn thatis the night i always remember...the night standing near lions island saying i cant do this, and driving away...everyone has that moment in time where they make a decision that will affect the out come for the rest of there lives...that was mine...

Ok, so the man i married...we had 4 beautiful children, and a business together...we worked well together for a really long time...he was my best friend...unfortunately, i always felt so unimportant to him...like my dreams didnt matter, and his did...i was always happy that his dreams came true, but sad for myself alot of times because he didnt seem to care that mine did, and if he did care about them, he never let me know...i was put on the back burner for most things...i lost myself in that relationship...my family, my feelings, and just me, didnt matter...well things didnt work out and he decided he wasnt happy enough to stick it out, so he left, and i was heartbroken, some days i still am...i dont miss our marriage, as much as the friendship i thought we had...but through all of it, the one thing i have learned is to never completely give up who i am for someone else...yes there are some things you may have to change to fit into a relationship, but never everything...i have found myself again...and although life has thrown me this curve ball, i am happy and content with who i am as a person now...i still have my days that i am pissed off at the world, but most days i am ok...i am stronger then i ever thought i could be...i am me...

so this has been my life the last 10 years or so...well i guess 12 years...i have found what i needed in life now, and what i think i was always looking for...that something that makes my life complete...i dont regret the way things went...i have found my peace in life, and i am doing what i need and want to do, to make my family stronger...im a better mother now, im a better Tara now...and the kids see that...they notice...

so this next chapter in my life is about what i want, and what i want for my family...he is a part of that already...distance and time had taken us out of each others lives, and circumstance brought us back together, first as friends, now , way more then i ever could have imagined...we have a ways to go before things will be the way we want them to be...but that road only brings us closer to each other...and if we can make this trip together, then when he is finally home, we will be stronger for it...another thing in life to make me stronger, and make me believe that everything happens for a reason...

i know some of my posts are probably kind of strange lately...but honestly this summer is a time for really deep reflection for me, so i am just going with it, and doing what i need to do to deal with it...i am using the opportunity to find out who i really am...and by doing that, i can only make my relationship stronger with my boys, with myself, and with mylove...

whew

What a weekend...im kind of glad its over! Lol on Friday night I only got about 3 hours of sleep between the storms and talking to my soldier boy on the phone...but hey, we were having great conversations, so i didnt want to cut the phone call short...not to mention after talking for about 10 minues i was wide awake anyway...the we had about 4 storms thoughout the night...wow,,,talk about energy...I love Thunderstorms...I am trying to teach the kids to love them just as much...but man do they hate the thunder part..lol...so saturday i played babysitter, and had a total of 7 boys for 11 hours, then again on Sunday...lol am i nuts? yep...but it makes me money...was suppose to babysit the youngest one today but they never showed up...

ive been working hard trying to get my house ready...im having a cookout on Saturday, kind of in celebration of my 30th birthday, but mostly just becuase i want to have a party...so I am calling it my "none-birthday party"...i know wierd huh? lol...Hopefully people will actually show up for it...ive told just about everyone i know...most of the replies I got have been a no, but its a busy time of year so i completely understand that...

only 20 more days till my man comes for a visit...i cant wait...i miss him like crazy..cant wait to spend some time with him again...only one more visit in November, then i wont get to see him for 15 months, but we will deal, lots of emails, snail mail, and phone calls will get us through just fine...i have no doubt in my mind on that one...

well im out for now, gotta work on the house a little more so that i dont have to worry about it next weekend....love to you all...

Friday, June 1, 2007

its June!

The beginning of June is a beginning and an end of alot of things...especially this year... Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

This is the end of preschool for Steven and Dominic...My babies are turning 5 this year...a sad but happy time for me...How am i gonna handle the fact that they arent babies anymore...that scares me alot...i dont have the ability to have babies anymore, and before you go and say but you have 4 isnt that enough..lol..i had 3 pregnancies...lots of people have way more then that, and i think i am one of those that should have...if i had been with someone who was of mental support to me then i probably would have...I am happy for them to be moving on to Kindergarten, its a big step in the process of them growing up...for that i am excited...i will be the proud mommy standing at the playground at school smiling big for the first day of school...it will be a big day for them...

Michael will no longer be in the lower elementary school...he is moving on up to the 3rd grade...i am very excited for him...he has come such a long way...with the help and services that the school has provided we went from being a non talking, tempermental child, to a greatest little buddy...i am so very proud of the progress he has made...Since denny has moved out Michael and I understand each other better...ive gotten older, and i understand his limits, his triggers, and the signs of him becoming frustrated...that helps alot with his autism...the fact that mommy understands now...this summer he will have his last single digit birthday...My boy is turning 9!..so very hard to believe...

Logan is moving on to first grade...he is very excited about this...he is also excited about the fact that his little brothers are gonna be going to school with him...Now he can feel like the big man on campus...lol...he also just learned to ride his bike without training wheels, and so i can imagine this summer being a very active one for him..he just learned a week ago, and he is already trying to pop wheelies and stuff...lol...lil daredevil...he is very happy that summer break is almost here...

this is the month of my 30th birthday...oh boy. like i said before, not sure how to feel about that...lol will have to figure that out before i write more....

lots of birthdays this month....and June is always the month for weddings was hoping i could see one...I love going to weddings, it means the begging of something great...and i like to watch them because i missed mine...lol...seeing a beautiful June bride is a great way to start the summer off...

Nick will be here June 24th...im getting really excited now that it is the same month of him coming...now the real countdown can begin...its gonna be a great time...swimming, hanging out...just being us...I miss him so very much...the distance is difficult, but im doing well with it, well most of the time anyway...sometimes old fears shine through, but i seem to sort through those fears and reality pretty well...

So this summer will be the very end of me being a Stay-at-home mommy also...im glad to be getting out into the workforce again...i am a natural born worker, whereas being a mom was something i had to learn...I am so greatful that i had that chance to be that for my kids...To be able to be with them and watch them grow...I was selfish for a while, and decided to go to work after logan was born...for the most part i lost the first 2 years of his life because i was gone 11 hours a day...then was so busy taking care of the house and stuff like that, the boys didnt always get the attention they needed....but i cant take it back...all i could do was make up for it...and i think i have...but now is the time for me to go back to work, and i am really getting excited about it...im not sure how i am gonna be a single(Kinda), working mother of 4 boys and take care of the house too, but i am ready for that challenge...I am ready for a change in my life...ready to be more independant...ive had my time with my boys, now its time for me to work outside the home...they dont need me like that anymore, so its time to change things...its kind of painful that they dont need mommy like that anymore...that isnt something i am looking foreward to...

Well...Happy June!!!!! Summer is upon us...enjoy it, and dont forget to hug you little ones...Take the time to read a book...Lay in the shade and take a nap...Just enjoy life...And smile alot, it makes the heart lighter...