Monday, June 4, 2007

Everything Happens For A Reason

I know i have written about this before, not on this blog, but on myspace...i decided to touch the subject again, because this summer is bringing about so many changes in my life...so here goes....

I believe that everything happens for a reason, no matter how small or how large the event may be...it happens to teach you something...I have lead alot of life in my almost 30 years...seen lots of things i probably shouldnt see...but you know everything has made me just that much stronger...

When i was 18 i made a decision to come back to Michigan without my mom...it was not a hard decision to make...i wasnt done with highschool yet, but i was ready to be my own person...and to be honest, when life is more of a challenge i do much better with it...i was on the honor roll for the first time in ages after i lived on my own...i never truly made it on my own at that point...so that part didnt go as planned...within 6 months of moving back, the man that i had planned to marry, and i broke up...It was devestating and i felt so very alone at that point, being without my mom, and not having him either...but it made me work that much harder to prove to myself thati could be something...when given the chance to get back with him i chose a different path...there are times i wonder what would have happened if i had taken the other option, and not the one i married, but you know i dont regret life at all...but when i look back at where life took a turn thatis the night i always remember...the night standing near lions island saying i cant do this, and driving away...everyone has that moment in time where they make a decision that will affect the out come for the rest of there lives...that was mine...

Ok, so the man i married...we had 4 beautiful children, and a business together...we worked well together for a really long time...he was my best friend...unfortunately, i always felt so unimportant to him...like my dreams didnt matter, and his did...i was always happy that his dreams came true, but sad for myself alot of times because he didnt seem to care that mine did, and if he did care about them, he never let me know...i was put on the back burner for most things...i lost myself in that relationship...my family, my feelings, and just me, didnt matter...well things didnt work out and he decided he wasnt happy enough to stick it out, so he left, and i was heartbroken, some days i still am...i dont miss our marriage, as much as the friendship i thought we had...but through all of it, the one thing i have learned is to never completely give up who i am for someone else...yes there are some things you may have to change to fit into a relationship, but never everything...i have found myself again...and although life has thrown me this curve ball, i am happy and content with who i am as a person now...i still have my days that i am pissed off at the world, but most days i am ok...i am stronger then i ever thought i could be...i am me...

so this has been my life the last 10 years or so...well i guess 12 years...i have found what i needed in life now, and what i think i was always looking for...that something that makes my life complete...i dont regret the way things went...i have found my peace in life, and i am doing what i need and want to do, to make my family stronger...im a better mother now, im a better Tara now...and the kids see that...they notice...

so this next chapter in my life is about what i want, and what i want for my family...he is a part of that already...distance and time had taken us out of each others lives, and circumstance brought us back together, first as friends, now , way more then i ever could have imagined...we have a ways to go before things will be the way we want them to be...but that road only brings us closer to each other...and if we can make this trip together, then when he is finally home, we will be stronger for it...another thing in life to make me stronger, and make me believe that everything happens for a reason...

i know some of my posts are probably kind of strange lately...but honestly this summer is a time for really deep reflection for me, so i am just going with it, and doing what i need to do to deal with it...i am using the opportunity to find out who i really am...and by doing that, i can only make my relationship stronger with my boys, with myself, and with mylove...

1 comment:

EStump said...

HUGS Tara! It's all going to be good and writing definitely helps!!