Friday, August 31, 2007

For Erin and family

I cant even begin to understand what it is like to lose a child, or to have one born knowing what is to come...Tonight i have you guys in my thoughts and prayers...My candle is lit for your family.....

http://tchin.org/

http://carolinajanestump.memory-of.com/

Thursday, August 30, 2007

shots

I cant stand taking my boys in for there shots...I hate seeing them in so much pain...always makes me cry to see them screaming that way...I have to say though, at least they are quick about it...they get it done fast....Denny went with to help with the boys...i was suprised he did...i use to have to do all of that stuff on my own....and before anyone says oooooo she was with her ex husband..lol...Nick already knows...i told him last night that i needed help with the shots so denny was going to help...so dont try to start trouble were there is none to be started...anyway, my poor boys have really sore legs...i gave them some medicine and they are feeling better...remind me not to wait till the last minute next time...we were in the waiting room for 2 hours....while we were there i seen the ex that i dated just after Denny left....seeing him still makes me all panicked...and michael talked about it all the way home...ah well, one of these days i wont have to live in this area, then i will never have to see him again...I will probably write more later, but for now its time to do the mommy thing....

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

just because i liked it

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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

just stuff

Nothing too exciting happened today...Just a typical mom type day...I ran some errands, and did the mom thing....

We went to the schools today and found out who all the boys are gonna have for teachers this year...Michaels school is set up so crazy, i hope like hell it dosnt confuse him too much...I did hear from his last teacher that this new teacher is a really good one though...He even gets a locker this year...no combination, so i am assuming that it is just for coats and backpacks...Steven and Dominic will be in the same class which is what i wanted for this year...Next year they will be separated, but this year, the teacher and i decided that having them together would be best for them...Logan has a teacher that i had never heard of, but a friend of mine says she is great...Strict, but soft in voice, just what logan needs i think...So the choices for teachers this year seems promising...

I am so nervous about school starting this year...Michael in a new school, much bigger and more confusing then he is use to...I am probably more scared then he is, but i think he will do ok...Steven and Dominic starting kindergarten is kind of stressing me also...I already know the teacher they have, because michael had her, but i have 3 kids starting new schools this year, and it has my nerves frazzled...I have faith that they will do great, but so many different new things this year, im a little scared for them...My kids are smart and strong though, they will be just fine...its just an overreaction on my part...

I am excited about the prospect of finding a job...I am hoping that i can find something...it will be very difficult because i refuse to put my boys in daycare for more then an hour after school...I dont believe that michael could handle it, and i dont think there is a daycare around that could handle him...
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Monday, August 27, 2007

Happy 5th Birtday boys!

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happy Birthday to my boys...Steven and Dominic turn 5 today!!!!!i am so proud of my boys...It is a great moment for me, but also a sad one...its great because they are such wonderful boys...but sad because, all of my babies are growing up...

steven is such a smiley guy...Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

dominic is so full of energy...Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

they start kindergarten this year, and they are so excited...we get to go see there classroom tommorrow night...

I hope you boys enjoy your birthday today...
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Friday, August 24, 2007

Army life

Nick subscribed to the Army Times for me, and i really enjoy reading it...it comes weekly and it keeps me updated on army life...Reading this paper can make you laugh and cry all in one paragraph...Being able to understand what he goes through on a daily basis helps me to feel closer to him...I am noticing a pattern in these papers though...Ok so i understand there is no legal document linking him and I together...But i do love him just as much as any wife could love a husband...In these weekly papers the sacrifice of the other loved ones at home is never mentioned...I know that chose this life for myself, and i am not even coming close to asking for pity...But tell me this, does the fact that we arent married make me love him any less? No way...In fact, sometimes i am feeling like my sacrifice is just as great as any wife...Only the wives get to see there soldiers when they come home from work at night, when they come home from deployments...They get to see them so much more then the girlfriends do...I only see mine every six months or so...The Army seems to figure because we are not married that I just am not important, and that our relationship is not worth recognizing...I miss him just as much as a wife would...We dont share bills together, but we share a love that is definately worth recognizing...
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There seems to be no support for a relationship like mine when it comes to the Army...And no, im not talking about financial support, im talking about community support (someone to talk to, someone who knows what i am feeling)...I think that is really important...I often feel like i am alone in this...It is frustrating at times, but so very worth it...Every phone call, every time he steps off that plane into my arms, every email, every smile, reminds me of just why i chose this life...Is it a sacrifice? sometimes it is, sometimes it isnt...Is it worth it? every step of the way...I am proud to be his girl...
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Sunday, August 19, 2007

Happy Birthday Logan


Today is my Logans 7th birthday...I cant believe how fast the time has gone...seems like only yesterday that you were born...I dont get to spend the day with you, but i hope you are having fun with daddy....Eat lots of cake and ice cream for mommy too, and make sure you get all sugared up...Hope your day is a happy one....of course every day for you is a happy one...you are the child that loves to learn and always has more questions....And everyday you have a smile on your face...i cant count how many times you have told me that i am the bestest mom, and i love to hear you say it...Mommy loves you big boy...

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Friday, August 17, 2007

moving day

omg, i am so exhausted...my day started out at 8 am, and is just now ending...yeah, not really a long day, but i have been moving boxes and furniture all day...My mom and gma moved into there new house today...it is so beautiful....we arent done yet though....2 trips out there and we didnt even make a dent in my moms stuff...lol...the first trip we loaded up, 3 vehicles, one of them my van, and an enclosed trailer big enough to hold 1 and a half cars in it...my van was packed full of fragile stuff....the trailer on the first trip was loaded up with tons of boxes and totes....now, the tough part, my mom lives on the second floor of a wearhouse...in apartment terms thats like 3 floors of steps...no, there wasnt an elevator...the first load in the trailer was her stuff...thats alot of stair climbing....the secont trip was the trailer full of furniture, and 2 car loads, including my van...needless to say, im tired...but it was a great workout...

tommorrow im headed back over to my gmas house to help her pack up all the small leftover stuff...its nice to do something for other people and get out of this house....

biggest problem is, i got only about 4 hours of sleep last night....i had a pain that kept shooting from my lower back down my right leg...so i could not fall asleep...most of the day the pain was not bad, but there was about an hour in there that i started to feel it again....so, now that ive had a huge workout today, im gonna go vegge on the couch with some hot tea...night everyone...

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Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Wish i was in California

So, Nick is leaving today to go to California for war training stuff...He will be there for 6 weeks...This means limited contact for us...Not sure yet if his cell phone will work out there or not...We will see...I hope it does, becuase then at least when he is off duty we can talk...he will be home in November, then off to iraq in December...They are saying that part of the way through the 15month deployment that they will get to come home, but im not counting on it at this point...I just cant wait till all this is over...I am a nervous wreck about him going to Iraq...

ive been trying to figure out these divorce papers...they are harder then i figured they would be...doing it ourselves will save thousands of dollars, but its not easy...The end result will all be worth it for sure...I am a little afraid that i wont fill something out right, and it will prolong things, or make me lose out on something...so far the way he wants it drawn out, is that i have nothing to myself completely, and he still has his hand in everything...im not sure how that seems fair, but i guess that is something we will have to talk about...at this point, i just want it done...

My mom gets the keys to her new house today..i am so excited for her...and i am glad that she is staying in Michigan...I cant wait tohelp her move in...

Friday, August 10, 2007

being a mom

I read an article today in a magazine about decision making...Thats not really what i want to write about tonight, but just thought i would throw that in there...Anyway, i use to only read to keep myself busy because i was ina marriage that left me very, very lonely a major part of the time...But now that life is different, and things have changed, i take the time to read things that actually get my mind going, and make me think...I slowed down and now enjoy the reading as a past-time, instead of something to just fill a void...

In this article it said something about slowing down, and enjoying the fact that i am a mom...Well, i do that now, most of the time...But i didnt use to...I have to say, all of my pregnancies were a bit of a suprise...I was on birth control every time...So, all through the years i never really thought of myself as that great of a mom, it seemed i was moving so fast paced, and always looking foreward to the next milestone in life, that i would forget to just sit back and enjoy the things that were happening at this moment in time...i admit, i missed out on alot, because i was always looking ahead for what was suppose to happen next...Well because things didnt always happen the way i thought they should, factoring in the fact that i wasnt happy in marriage, or life even, i was very angry all the time...i think for a while there i even forgot what it was like to smile...im over that now, but for a while i was like that...So, life changed, and i look back now, and i dont even recognize the person i was back then...i dont even know how i got to that point in my life...All i know is being a mom is the most important thing may ever do, and i am happy with that...Ive gotten alot of grief over the fact that i live so simply because i choose to live off of my child support so that i can be home with my boys...What i can tell you is that no gadget or new toy, or the best clothes will ever replace what i give my boys on a daily basis...Things are just that, things...they dont teach a child patience, or respect, or love...they teach a child that having it all is more important then family...and you know what, i just cant live like that anymore...I will not raise my child to believe in those values...Do i want to teach my boys a strong work ethic? definately...but i will not teach my boys to neglect there families because they want to have what everyone else has...When all the boys are in school, yes i will work, but i refuse to let any job interfere with the way i intend to raise my boys...if that means we have to live without all the frills,then thats the way it will be...The job i chose to take has to fit my family, i will not make my family fit a job...Its so frustrating that people make me feel so small because of this...they dont understand why i chose to be this way...first i can tell you, my oldest boy is autistic...he is on the low side of the spectrum, but still autistic...he reacts to food stimulation, and noise, and touch, and even quiet, different then other children do...when he is upset the rest of the family suffers greatly...things get out of hand...shoving him in some daycare that dosnt understand his needs as well as i do, is out of the question...It would disrupt this family in a way that i refuse to allow...even something as small as a cookie can set him off, because of what its made of...people dont understand that...in fact one of his caregivers when he is away from me thinks its ok to give him all the junk food he wants...well its not, and when i get him back after he has been gone for a bit,he is moody, and irritable...and untill i basically detox his system from all that junk that he is allowed to eat and drink, he cant function...this brings his quality of life down a great deal...It takes away from him, rather than giving to him...The junk food is not good for him...but still, these other caregivers find it reasonable to give it to him...these are the things i deal with, when i let others care for him, and untill he is old enough to understand the consequences that these things have on his body, i will be the one fixing his snacks and dinners, helping him with his homework every night, and all that stuff...
If there is anyone that dosnt like my way of thinking then thats too bad...my children come first, and providing them with a mother that is there, and on top of most things is the most important thing i can give them...have i always been in this frame of thinking? nope, but im all grown up now...life changed, and this is what i am...Was i a great mother before? nope, but you know what, i am a good mother now...can i say great? i dont know, time will tell...

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

arg....

Today started out being really great...Some friends of mine came over and finished putting primer on the walls of the back room...a room that has gone unfinished for 2 years now...It was great to see that get done...I appreciate it so much...I always feel guilty for asking for help, But unfortunately there are just some things i cant do for myself..even though most of the time i hate to admit that...I am a mom, one living on my own, im suppose to be Wonderwoman right??

Anyway, as the day has wore on, i am just irritated now...frustrated, neglected, lonely, sad, and just tired of crap...Most of you know, I live in BFE...any friends that i do have are at least 15 miles away...i have no one close to me, and at times it gets so frustrating...i cant just walk down the block, or drive accross town, to chat with a friend, it takes a quarter tank of gas for most visits, so here i am stuck at home most of the time, while the rest of the people i know get to hang out...I am lonley as hell...Everyone is always so busy...seems too busy for me lately...I am the friend that lives too far away...I need to make some more friends, but seems people in this town arent looking for new friends....the saddest thing is, i have lived in this town since i was 21, and still have no friends that live here...hell, i can count on one hand how many times i have interacted with some of my neighbors...this is a very strange neighborhood...ah well, such is life i guess...im just feeling sorry for myself...i am just absolutely overcome with lonliness lately...after a while it just gets to you...

So, the ex was suppose to bring the divorce papers today when he dropped the kids off...but guess what, ha, no papers, because mommy dropped the kids off...im thinking it was done on purpose...im really getting tired of this being stretched on for so long...im done with it...iwant this shit started...hell, i want this shit over with....stop dicking around and lets get this done...i am so very ready to move on with my life...lets get it going...my man has waited long enough...he shouldnt have to wait anymore..

so the fact that i am in some major pain today dosnt help matters...its laid me out flat a few times today...some moments im ok, others, i can barely walk...arg!

Monday, August 6, 2007

a mixing bowl of stuff

So I feel like turned the luck to my side over night...Or, i just decided i was tired of waiting for life to happen for me...I finally opened my own checking account on Friday...I know, for most of you its no big deal, and its something you have had since you could remember, but for me, it was a very liberating moment...a simple one, but a step, the first step in owning up to my independance...ive not had my own personal checking account since i was 20...thats 10 years for those who dont know me well...i let someone else have all the control over that...this was my way to start taking back my life...So there i was on Thursday night rolling coins from my coin jar for 4 freakin hours, but it was worth it...so very worth it...I got my account started, and i feel great...next step, getting those divorce papers filed, and starting up my daycare...

OMG, i thought i would treat myself to going to a friends party on Saturday night...i thought hey, i never let loose anymore, it was time for a real party...so i went to one...what a mistake that was...damn the drama...i just wanted 1 night to forget about things, and not act my age...i ended up getting backhanded (on accident), and it tore up the inside of my cheek as it got smashed against my teeth...thank the gods it wasnt a fist...now, this girl has never been hit in the face before, so after it happened i was ina total state of "what the fuck"...lol...yep, im a naughty girl, i said the "F" word...I didnt stick around too long after that, because i think if i had, i would have ended up in a fight, and well...i dont do that shit either...All the drama of this party (none of which had anything to do with me) turned into a huge fight, and someone trying to drive away very intoxicated...I had one beer at 7pm, and that was it...pop and tea the rest of the night...its a good thing i didnt drink, because i think i would have gone off on someone...So needless to say, i dont think i will be headed in that direction for another party any time soon...I will stick to being the boring mom, with NO damn drama...WE ARENT TEENAGERS ANYMORE PEOPLE, GET A GRIP, AND GROW THE HELL UP! i love you guys, but i cant do that anymore...

Well supposedly my ex is suppose to be bringing me the divorce papers on Wednesday to finish filling out...we are trying to do all this crap without lawyers...honestly i just want it done so that i can move on with my life...its been long enough, and i just need something to feel final...Sometimes i dont even care what i lose, with the exception of my boys, as long as it gets done...im tired of feeling like my life is stuck in limbo...i need it to move foreward...i felt trapped for far to long, and i dont intend to feel that way much longer...

My man has been so patient with this...he has held on, and not doubted me too much in this process...i am so thankful for that...the fact that he has the strength to hold on, and love me even through all of this just makes me love him even more...Please know,i want this done so bad...in fact some days it just tears me up to know that im still stuck, and that i havent had the balls to stick up to that man...well i am now...im tired of being walked all over dammit....i dont care what he threatens anymore, im not scared...not anymore...

oh, hehe, i got a call from my mom today asking about a name i had online...lol...it was "milf_4_him"...she said do you know what that means?..i told her it was just a joke and a name i picked so someone couldnt find me, but somehow i just dont think she believed me...lol, she also looked me up on myspace...i dont use the milf name anymore, but it was funny at the time...it served its purpose, and milf_4_him was laid to rest...anyway, i have my myspace set to private so that a certain someone cant get into and leave me nasty messages anymore...so if anyone wants to see it, they are more then welcome to message me, and if i deem your worthy i will add you...lol, im not doing anything wrong by having it, nick knows all about it, even has the password if he finds it necassary to look into things...but as far as i know, there is no reason to..lol...its all good, nothing bad in there..hehe....ok, well maybe a few naked pictures of some lesbians...KIDDING PEOPLE! anyway, enough for now, i feel like i could keep typing all night tonight...im just a bundle of energy ...night everyone, or should i say morning, because it is past midnight here...


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