Friday, August 10, 2007

being a mom

I read an article today in a magazine about decision making...Thats not really what i want to write about tonight, but just thought i would throw that in there...Anyway, i use to only read to keep myself busy because i was ina marriage that left me very, very lonely a major part of the time...But now that life is different, and things have changed, i take the time to read things that actually get my mind going, and make me think...I slowed down and now enjoy the reading as a past-time, instead of something to just fill a void...

In this article it said something about slowing down, and enjoying the fact that i am a mom...Well, i do that now, most of the time...But i didnt use to...I have to say, all of my pregnancies were a bit of a suprise...I was on birth control every time...So, all through the years i never really thought of myself as that great of a mom, it seemed i was moving so fast paced, and always looking foreward to the next milestone in life, that i would forget to just sit back and enjoy the things that were happening at this moment in time...i admit, i missed out on alot, because i was always looking ahead for what was suppose to happen next...Well because things didnt always happen the way i thought they should, factoring in the fact that i wasnt happy in marriage, or life even, i was very angry all the time...i think for a while there i even forgot what it was like to smile...im over that now, but for a while i was like that...So, life changed, and i look back now, and i dont even recognize the person i was back then...i dont even know how i got to that point in my life...All i know is being a mom is the most important thing may ever do, and i am happy with that...Ive gotten alot of grief over the fact that i live so simply because i choose to live off of my child support so that i can be home with my boys...What i can tell you is that no gadget or new toy, or the best clothes will ever replace what i give my boys on a daily basis...Things are just that, things...they dont teach a child patience, or respect, or love...they teach a child that having it all is more important then family...and you know what, i just cant live like that anymore...I will not raise my child to believe in those values...Do i want to teach my boys a strong work ethic? definately...but i will not teach my boys to neglect there families because they want to have what everyone else has...When all the boys are in school, yes i will work, but i refuse to let any job interfere with the way i intend to raise my boys...if that means we have to live without all the frills,then thats the way it will be...The job i chose to take has to fit my family, i will not make my family fit a job...Its so frustrating that people make me feel so small because of this...they dont understand why i chose to be this way...first i can tell you, my oldest boy is autistic...he is on the low side of the spectrum, but still autistic...he reacts to food stimulation, and noise, and touch, and even quiet, different then other children do...when he is upset the rest of the family suffers greatly...things get out of hand...shoving him in some daycare that dosnt understand his needs as well as i do, is out of the question...It would disrupt this family in a way that i refuse to allow...even something as small as a cookie can set him off, because of what its made of...people dont understand that...in fact one of his caregivers when he is away from me thinks its ok to give him all the junk food he wants...well its not, and when i get him back after he has been gone for a bit,he is moody, and irritable...and untill i basically detox his system from all that junk that he is allowed to eat and drink, he cant function...this brings his quality of life down a great deal...It takes away from him, rather than giving to him...The junk food is not good for him...but still, these other caregivers find it reasonable to give it to him...these are the things i deal with, when i let others care for him, and untill he is old enough to understand the consequences that these things have on his body, i will be the one fixing his snacks and dinners, helping him with his homework every night, and all that stuff...
If there is anyone that dosnt like my way of thinking then thats too bad...my children come first, and providing them with a mother that is there, and on top of most things is the most important thing i can give them...have i always been in this frame of thinking? nope, but im all grown up now...life changed, and this is what i am...Was i a great mother before? nope, but you know what, i am a good mother now...can i say great? i dont know, time will tell...

1 comment:

Erin & Dan said...

anyone who gives you grief about putting your family first, needs to re-check his/her own value system. Bottom line you do what you think is best, period.It will never matter what any one else things. Even your boys won't understand truly until they are parents themselves.

Things fade. Fads fade...they will out grow every pair of jeans...but not the lessons you give them by being there.

Dan just informed me he is looking into getting another job, that will allow me to stay home again. I'll keep you posted.