Monday, September 3, 2007

damn

So, today being a holiday, i thought it would be really nice to take my boys to the park and let them play for a couple of hours...they even cleaned both bedrooms and made their beds so they could go...we got into Lawrence to the big park, only to find out that they were having the Ox fest, which is a cute little festival they have Labor day weekend...I completely forgot about this...So we walked around for a little while, but the park was just too busy to play...there was no way i could have kept an eye on all 4 of them, there was just way too many people there...But that wasnt the bad part....what upsets me is the look on my childrens faces when i told them no, we couldnt ride the rides, and no we coudlnt get an elephant ear, or buy all the cute little festival toys...I felt like a total loser today....They looked so heartbroken because mommy didnt have the money to let them have fun today...it was all i could do not to cry in front of them...I know what i am doing for them is the right thing...I live completely off of child support at this time so that i can take care of them, and so that i can be there for them....but it is still upsetting when this kind of stuff happens, because they just dont understand why it is like this...One day they will, i know it, but today it just broke my heart to see the disappointment on there sweet little faces...I just felt like i was letting them down, and i dont like letting my boys down...I know that me being there for them is most important, and when it comes to the necessary things they dont do without, i make sure of that, but it makes it hard to do the extra stuff that comes up once ina while...i just feel like shit about it today...

1 comment:

Stump Home said...

I will say TRY not to feel guilty about it. Dan and I have to disappoint our kids all the time. We just can't afford everything they would love to have...even a simple elephant ear. It's tough. I understand you'd LOVE to be able to indulge in every whim, but you can't. They'll be okay. You'll be okay. HUGS!!!! Be gentle w/ yourself. :-)