Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Till we meet again

My Grandpa Carlson passed away at 9:35 last night...I got the call at about 10pm...I have to say this is the roughest one yet...he was such an awesomely grumpy old man...he tried hard to look mean, he he...but it didtn work with me...while i was with denny i didnt get to see him much...Denny's family always came first, today i am angry about that...I am trying not to be, but i am...

My grandpa loved trains...so much so that it was almost a childlike fascination with them...I can remember when i was little, he would tell me that no one got to play with his trains except him, then he would sneak me into the shed and let me control one...i felt so special...So granpa, while you waiting at the train depot for the next beautiful engine to pick you up, find comfort in knowing that fascination spilled over into michael...I can guarantee he will carry on with his love of trains...enjoy the ride you old grouch! i love you, and i miss you already.. love your Tara Bear

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

yada yada..

i am sick, im tired,and i feel like shit...i was sick part of the time Nick was here...it went away shortly after heleft...now it has come back full force...i spent all day yesterday in bed or laying on the couch, when i could, and still fell asleep early last night...i am feeling a lil better today, but not sure if i should be doing a happy dance yet...hell, even my eyeballs hurt...

i got my ring back from the jewelry store yesterday, its more beautiful on then it was in the box...very pretty...

my mom called me on the way to pick it up...i was on the highway when she told me they called hospice for my grandfather...talk about trying to hold it together long enough to get me and the kids off the highway...omg....so this will be the 4th granparent to die within a year...5th family member, and 6th person since denny left...really, this streak can end any time now...they havent given him a time frame at all..but he isnt eating, so i can imagine it wont be long...this is the grandfather who lost his oldest son and mother in a year...well i found out lastnight also, that when he passes the funeral will be in florida...very upsetting...unless i call off xmas this year, i wont be going...i want to, so the boys may just spend xmas with daddy...the family is slowly falling apart...all of our elders and passing away in such a short time frame...

i was so crabby all weekend, i feel so bad for the kids...mommy was just not in a good way...They packed nick up yesterday, and his internet was turned off today...just more steps in getting him ready for deployment...means its coming closer...how do i keep my sanity? i will get throug it, no doubt...just dreading it alot...so much has happened so recently, this is just one more thing to get through...

well my eyes hurt, so im gonna end it now...Erin, i will do your tag thing when i am feeling better...hehe

Friday, November 23, 2007

Another Day

Yesterday went ok...we got up early in the morning becuase logan got up before the sun, and turned on all the lights for some reason...We watched the parade for a little while, but it didtn take long for them to lose interest...I can remember as a child watching the whole thing with my mom...but maybe thats the difference between boys and girls...after breakfast we decorated the tree...i had already put the lights on it...the boys had a great time putting the ornaments on...lol, i had to rearange them a bit when they werent looking...

i made a turkey instead of ham...my neighbor brought down a turkey because they had too many...well, the turkey ended up dry, at least to me...the kids liked it though...ive just never been a big fan of it anyway....all they ate was turkey and busquits...they didnt eat any of the side dishes that i had made...so i basically worked all day on nothing, becuase they didnt appreciate it anyway...we had apple pie and pumpkin pie for desert...of course they liked that.lol...

I missed Nick terribly yesterday...and the twins were cranky for some reason...in all it was just like anyother day, except im tired today from working my ass off to make it a great day...Nick had overnight duty wednesday night, and only had about an hour and a half sleep before he headed off to his Thanksgiving dinner...he went to a buddies house...not sure how that went, because i havent heard from him since 9pm last night...so i am waiting to hear if he had a good time....I just missed him so much yesterday...it just seemed there was something missing from the day....

it is snowing today...its beautiful...i love the snow...what a great way to start the holiday season....I wanted to go shopping this morning...i always loved being a part of the holiday crowd after Thanksgiving...made the holiday season feel as if it were started off right...I didnt get to go this year...The boys want to go out in the snow, but i dont have boots for them yet...seems i always wait till the last minute...i should have learned by now...Michael and Logan bowl tonight even though its a holiday weekend...thats ok though, gives us a reason to get out of the house...the rest of the weekend will most likely be spent here at home, just hanging out...I will post some pictures of yesterday in a bit...i dont seem to have the energy right now...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

For these things i am Thankful

There are so many things in this life that have changed the last couple of years, and often times i have lost sight of what is true and pure in all of it...sometimes life just gets in the way and we forget to stop and really think about things..So for all these things i am thankful...Not listed in order.lol...

The most important thing i am thankful for is my family...This family includes my boys, who have been my four anchors when i thought the sea of life would wash me away...my little angels have made my life so wonderful, and they are such a blessing...My mom for giving me confidence and strength, and a sense of pride of who i am...and for teaching me to be happy with who i am...My gma for being there my whole life...and for always being the one i could turn to with my every day problems...For those of my family that have died in the last year, i am thankful for the many years i had them with me...I am thankful for Nick...i love you soldier boy, you have showed me what its like to feel loved, and to know that i can be accepted the way i am...for loving me without boundaries and limits...for wanting me to follow my dreams, and for letting me be me...I am so greatful to you for allowing me the time to truely grieve and find myself, and for waiting till i was ready to move on...You are truly my best friend, and the mate to my soul...

I am thankful for my home...its cramped feeling at times, buti have a solid roof over my head...a place where the boys and i can lay our heads at night and dream our dreams...its a place we gather every night to be a family...

i am thankful for my old friends and the new ones...without you guys i would have been drowning in my own pity...

Thank you to my neighbor who brought down a turkey he had earlier, they had an extra and decided to give it to me...very much appreciated....

For the Military...to the families who send there loved ones overseas to defend our freedom...ive seen you say your good byes...to the mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, wives and girlfriends left behind to worry...And to the soldiers who put there lives on the line every day, and spend the holidays in a place that isnt so friendly...I will be thinking of you and thanking you as i sit down to dinner with my boys...

my soldier, im gonna miss you for these holidays, and the next ones...i will be thinking of how lovely it woudl be to have you sitting at the table with us...we will all be wishing you were here..

to mother earth, and father sky, for giving us the means to have this type of dinner...you will be remember in our blessing at dinner time...



ok, so i am really really excited about dinner tomorrow...this will be the first time i ever did a thanksgiving dinner...we always went to denny's moms house, and last year he had the boys...so this year i have them, and im just giddy about it....we are going to get up and eat messy donuts while watching the holiday parade...then decorate the tree...then im gonna start dinner while they watch a christmas movie..i really cant wait for it...i need this to lift me up this week...i am missing nick really bad, and dreading the upcoming stuff...i hope the day goes well, and that i dont dwell too much...

have a great Thanksgiving!!!

Monday, November 19, 2007

ugly day

Last night was rough...I didnt sleep well, and i tossed and turned alot...I even slept with a light on so that i didnt feel so alone...The pillow still smells like him, as do the blankets...i have his coat here, and i cant stop touching it...i feel really silly...but i cant help it...i rolled over this morning to kiss him, and he was gone...arg!

so i went and got my ring sized today..
I dont get it back till the 30th...I cant wait to wear it, its beautiful...i also got my Thanksgiving dinner stuff done so that i can make my first thanksgiving dinner...It will be just me and the boys, i am pretty excited...When denny dropped them off last night they came in expecting to see Nick here still...they had said goodbye to him on Friday, but they forgot...

My mom told me that my granpa is not doing so well...he is in the hospital, and they dont seem to think he is gonna make it...there sure have been alot of deaths in this family in the last year....with having to say good bye to nick and this too i was not doing well last night...

Sunday, November 18, 2007

too fast

The time with nick just seems to fly by...dosnt seem like he was here for 2 weeks...Im pretty bummed today...I miss him...I put him on the plane at 7am...this time was harder letting him go...i just couldnt do it...
We had a good time while he was here...Just hung out mostly...he got me a ring for Christmas...No, not an engagement ring...but a pretty ring with hearts on it...its kind of a just because ring...if that makes sense...lol...I have his dog tags too...Nick picked out a Kitten...it is so adorable...he has some wild fur! when i get some better pictures i will post them...while here this time my mom took some pictures for us...some of just him and i, and some of me and the boys...i cant wait to see them...she said they looked awesome...Nicks mom got me some really pretty sweaters for christmas...she made all the boys a blanket...they love them...i wish i knew how to do that kind of stuff...we had his family xmas/thanksgiving and it was great...i love his family...we had dinner with his parents and my mom last night...it was just gonna be the 2 of us, but his dad was coming back early so we invited the parents also...they seem to get along great...well, im out for now, need to get some things done...I will write more later..

Monday, November 12, 2007

happy Veterans day

Happy Veterans Day to those I know, the ones I dont know, and the ones I love...I come from a family of men that have served...ive lost a great grandfather to war...Thank you to those who keep my family safe by keeping the fighting out of my back yard..And thank you to the families and other loved ones left behind while the ones they love are overseas..my family is greatful to you...Nick, im proud to call myself your girl...and im proud to be the one waiting for you back home..I love you..


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Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Things and such

This week has been great...Nick got here on Sunday, then we went to his parents house for dinner...that is always great...I love his family...They are so welcoming...I always enjoy spending time with them...Monday we just kind of hung out, very nice...gave us some time alone, and time to just sit and do nothing...very rarely do i actually sit and do nothing...Tuesday we did some grocery shopping, and he got some Christmas shopping done for his family...We stopped into Lowes to see my mom, then after picking the boys up from school, we went to his parents house to spend some more time with them...Tonight he is hanging with some friends, and i got a bunch of cleaning done...

Today was Logans EEG...He was scared at first, he kept asking if they were gonna give him shots...he was so brave, and the technician that did it was really great with him...she explained everything she was doing so he wouldnt be so nervous...I dont know the results yet, they will have them in about a week...Nick came with us, it was nice not having to do that stuff alone...I am so use to being alone that i didnt know how to handle having someone there for moral support...

This weekend we have his deployment party...we are hoping for a great turnout...then we have his early, thanksgiving/christmas too...so far next week we dont have much planned...Dinner with my mom one night, and she is gonna take pictures of us...and next Friday we are gonna try to go out and let loose andhave some fun...maybe hit Wayside, so i can shake my booty, and play some really bad pool...yes, really bad pool! I suck at it, but its fun..lol...Saturday night i think we are spending alone..at lease i hope we are....It will be the last night i get to spend with him before he heads to Iraq....i wont see him again for at least 7 months...arg! rough, but maneagable...its worth the wait...well, im getting off here, and finishing up for the night so that i dont have to think about what needs to be done tomorrow...night...

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Saturday, November 3, 2007

Behind the names

TARA (1)
Gender: Feminine
Usage: English
Pronounced: TAHR-a, TER-a [key]
Anglicized form of the Irish place name Teamhair, which possibly means "elevated place" in Gaelic. This was the name of the sacred hill near Dublin where the Irish high kings resided. Tara was also used as the name of the O'Hara plantation in the novel and movie 'Gone with the Wind'


TARA (2)
Gender: Feminine
Usage: Indian, Hindu Mythology
Other Scripts: तारा (Sanskrit)
Means "star" in Sanskrit. Tara is the name of a Hindu astral goddess, the wife of Brhaspati. She was abducted by Soma, a god of the moon, leading to a great war that was only ended when Brahma intervened and released her. This is also the name of a Buddhist deity (a female Buddha).


NICHOLAS
Gender: Masculine
Usage: English, French
Pronounced: NI-ko-las (English), nee-ko-LA (French) [key]
From the Greek name Νικολαος (Nikolaos) which meant "victory of the people" from Greek νικη (nike) "victory" and λαος (laos) "people". Saint Nicholas was a 4th-century bishop from Anatolia who, according to legend, saved the daughters of a poor man from lives of prostitution. He is also known as Santa Claus (from Dutch Sinterklaas), the bringer of Christmas presents. He is the patron saint of children, sailors and merchants, and Greece and Russia. Nicholas was also the name of two czars of Russia and five popes


MICHAEL
Gender: Masculine
Usage: English, German, Czech, Biblical
Pronounced: MIE-kul (English), MI-khah-el (German) [key]
From the Hebrew name מִיכָאֵל (Mikha'el) which meant "who is like God?". This is the name of one of the seven archangels in Hebrew tradition and the only one identified as an archangel in the Bible. In the Book of Revelation in the New Testament he is portrayed as the leader of heaven's armies, and thus is considered the patron saint of soldiers.
This was the name of nine Byzantine emperors and a czar of Russia. Other more modern bearers of this name include the 19th-century chemist/physicist Michael Faraday and basketball player Michael Jordan.


LOGAN
Gender: Masculine & Feminine
Usage: Scottish, English
Pronounced: LO-gan [key]
From a surname which was originally derived from a Scottish place name meaning "little hollow" in Scottish Gaelic.


STEVEN
Gender: Masculine
Usage: English
Pronounced: STEEV-en [key]
Usual English form of STEPHEN. The filmmaker Steven Spielberg, director of 'ET' and 'Indiana Jones', is a famous bearer of this name.


DOMINIC
Gender: Masculine
Usage: English
Pronounced: DAWM-in-ik, DOM-in-ik [key]
From the Late Latin name Dominicus meaning "of the Lord". This name was traditionally given to a child born on Sunday. Several saints have borne this name, including the 13th-century founder of the Dominican order of friars.

I got all this info from http://www.behindthename.com/