Monday, December 31, 2007

freak out time

I have come to the conclusion that DEPLOYMENTS SUCK!!!! It is so strange how one day i think im the strongest person on earth and can handle everything with a smile on my face...then its like running into a brick wall, your insides start to twist all up, and panic sets in...thats when you know your about to freak out...ive been to that point a couple times already, and we are only 3 weeks into this deployment..last time i talked to Nick was on the 27th, he tried to message me on the 28th, but i was in the store, and didnt get it till i got out..havent heard anything since...i know its not unusual to hear from them, but when he couldnt get me on messenger he sent an email...thats the last i head...This is not normal for us!we havent really had to go more then a couple of days without talking...he said once his room was ready that he could get internet, but arg!!! i know heis ok, but it just twists me all around..i mean he is in a war zone after all...and i know i shouldnt but i feel guilty for missing his messages! i mean, i know its no ones fault..but our communication is so damn limited, and i feel bad for not being available...i know i still have alife, and cant always be by my phone, but he dostn get much time right now...i am just totallly frustrated, and sleep deprived tonight...

ok, so change of subject....i got to go use my giftcard my gma gave me today, and i came out with lots of cute shirts...i needed them bad...most of the tshirts i had were left over from denny, and they had the company name on them....i was so tired of wearing his name! so now i have some that will make me feel a lil more feminine...we spent forever in the store..lol..

well, itslate, and i need to try to sleep...

Saturday, December 29, 2007

yay for letters!!

omg, i just got my first letter from Nick!! it was so sweet...I loved it..and of course it made me cry like a baby..lol...it totally made my weekend...you see, we have this totally sarcastic fun, funny, laugh all the time type relationship...we joke alot, smile alot...so i was really really suprised by the sweetness of this letter..I love love love it!!!! I cant stop smiling!! Its so great to having something in his handwriting...it just helps to confirm that everything really will be ok...i get emails from him, but this feels different..more personal...ok, im done acting like a teenager in love..lol...thanks for listening and sharing in my joy!!!

Photobucket

Thursday, December 27, 2007

a sigh of relief!

Christmas is over! I am so relieved...I took my tree down the day after christmas, and usually i leave it up till new years day...but i just couldnt stand looking at it anymore...I wasnt sure i would hear from Nick on xmas day, because they were gonna be traveling that day...but he managed to call me at about 6am xmas morning...i was so excited to hear from him...He said he was leaving ina couple hours to do his traveling...The phone ringing woke the boys up...thats why we were up so early..but that ok...I was exhausted by that night though because i didnt go to sleep till 2am...xmas eve sucked! it was when i was most emotional...but xmas day made me feel a little better...when the kids were all fully awake we opened presents, then spent the morning cleaning up wrapping paper,and getting them ready to go to daddies house for more presents...i headed to my mom and gmas after that...was a nice time over there...I was kind of the odd girl out, the 5th wheel on that day..it was my gma and her boyfriend, and my mom and her boyfriend, then there was me...my mom had taken some pictures of me and nick while he was home on leave, and she had a cd made, and a bunch of pictures printed up for me for xmas...they turned out nice...if you want to see them they are on my photobucket, you can message me for the link...or they are on my myspace...
the boys came back from there dads last night, but are there again for an extended weekend with him so they can have a little extra time with him on there winter break...not sure what i am gonna do with myself for 3 days at this point..i dont have anything to do...the house is in pretty good order...im sure i could do a deep cleaning, but sounds like no fun! so, i will do some writing and reading....grocery shopping tomorrow so that i dont have to drag the kids shopping with me next week...Sunday i have to go to plainwell to take a shirt back for a different size...and spend a gift card i got for christmas to fashion bug! i love that store!!!
i was told that deployment wasnt easy, and that i needed to prepare myself...well, i had over a year to prepare, and it still has hit me harder then i thought it would...i thought because i was use to being ina long distance relationship that i would be able to deal no problem...ha, boy was i wrong! This has me on an emotional rollercoaster...i know once he gets settled it will be a hell of a lot easier...he will have internet access, but right now, there is very limited conversations...sometimes when he calls there is so much i want to tell him, but then i dont really end up telling him much of anything becuase im just so happy to hear his voice...i get to talk to him about every 2 days right now...which i know is more then what others get...its just taking me a while to get use to it...ive written him one letter a day since he left...he finally has a valid APO address so i can send them tomorrow when i get a big envelope...then ican send them as i write them...lol, he is gonna be overloaded with my writing...well not so much after he gets internet..
The boys andi had a great time together today...i got up and we ate breakfast..then watched a new movie i got them for xmas...after lunch we played with something called moon sand, they got it for xmas from denny's mom...its sand that never dries out, so they can build castles with it...wow what a mess!! but they had fun with it, so thats all that matters...its colored sand, so at first i was afraid it woudl stain stuff, but it dosnt...then we played with some other toys they got...it was a fun relaxing day...everyone got along...i love those days....well im off to relax and get some reading and writing in....

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas 2007

This was our tree after Santa made his visit! i didnt get to see him...he snuck in while i was in the shower..what a suprise when i came out to find the tree full of presents! hehe
this would be when the boys got up....6am! wow...earliest yet..lol, there is a reason they woke so early..will write about that later!

I hope everyone had a great Christmas day...and i Hope the new year is a great one...

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Everything

I just wanted to take some time today to wish every one a Happy Holiday! I have friends and family out there who have helped make this Christmas a decent one for me...For that I am so Thankful, and i hope one day to be able to repay the kindness that has been shown to me and my boys...

Emotionally this has not been a great Holiday for me...Its not just because Nick is gone, its just because of the year, and im anxious to get it over with...I guess im just not in the mood for it...I am glad to see my kids so happy about it, but its just hard this year...I talked to Nick earlier, and they are moving on Christmas day...he said he would try to call me tomorrow, but i have a feeling I wont hear from him...I think they will be pretty busy...

I get the kids tonight, and till noon tomorrow...we will open presents from Santa here, then denny picks them up and takes them to his moms the rest of the day to open presents over there...i miss having them all day on christmas, but i think it works out pretty well...i will head to my moms after the kids leave here...at least i get to spend it with my mom and gma...

i went to my moms xmas party she threw for her work people on saturday night...it was fun...i was suprise that some family showed up...it was soooo good to see some of them...i miss that, seeing family durin the holidays...

my mom showed me the pictures she took of me and Nick when he was here on leave...they turned out great, but she wouldnt let me take any home yet...I cant wait to see what she has planned with them...

well i am off to make some cookies with the kids for santa...have a great holiday everyone...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

the Kindness of some hearts

this is the 2nd time this year someone has blessed my life with a gift from the heart...well unless you count my man, but im talking about strangers...Thank you Genesha for the wonderful gifts you have bestowed on my family....my family will be forever greatful...I will teach that kindness to live on the hearts of my boys...I will teach them to have that same giving love...i want you to know that you have made a difference in my family, and a difference in my heart...I will pass on your kindness to others, even if its just a smile to a stranger, or a loving embrace to someone who needs it....Thank you Genesha...blessings to you this holiday season

with great love and appreciation
Tara, and her boys

time flies, things change, christmas

so its been 2 years now since my world kind of fell out from under me...It really does amaze me how fast it has gone, and how much has happened, and how much has changed...I had a veil over my eyes, or rose colored glasses on 2 years ago, thank the gods im a little smarter now...Life has changed so much, and it took me a while to realize its so much better...we may not have the things we had before, but the boys and i share a closeness that we never experienced when our lives were so hectic...I am actually thankful for all of the things that have brought me to this point in my life...

things have changed so much...With nick overseas i have found that i dont always feel as strong as i did...in fact, it seems my emotions are on a huge rollercoaster...My insecurities seem to be calling me out...and i swear, if isecurity was a person, i would punch the bitch in the face...its taking a really confident person, and making her feel needy, and all twisted up inside....is it worth it? your damn right it is...

on to christmas...this year im not really looking foreward to it...its strange to feel that way, because this is usually my favorite time of year...its not becuase of money issues, im just not in the mood for it...the only thing i have up this year is the tree...and i think that will come down the day after xmas..i dont even enjoy looking at it this year....im not crying about it, i just want the new year to start...this last year has just been too hard, and i need it to end, and i need a fresh start...

Monday, December 17, 2007

Holy Winter Man!

wow, its amazing how something you look foreward to so much, can make you swear so much when it finally gets here...lol...Every year i look foreward to winter...i love the snow, i think its absolutely beautiful!...its funny though, becuase when i was out shoveling it for the 3rd time in 24 hours, it just didnt see so damn beautiful...lol...guess i cant have my cake and eat it too!!! ah well, its pretty in michigan...Last Christmas was so Blah looking...warm, all i had on was a sweater and a skirt last year on Christmas day...Nick didnt get to see any snow..and now that he is in the desert, we got snow before Christmas! Well soldier boy, maybe your first Christmas home we will get snowed in...hehe...that woudl be fun!

The boys had a snow day today...started out great, they were excited...They actually let me sleep in till almost 9! can you believe it...lol...I couldnt! then, they were awesome till lunch, went outside to play for a while...and shortly before dinner became little terrorists....i swear every night its like that....Its like its the witching hour for kids..lol..its like jekyl and hyde(i know i prolly just spelled that wrong, but I DONT CARE!) But this time it just didnt get any better after dinner...so, they went to bed early because there were bein really naughty...well, it was only a half hour early, but still...lol

I finally got an address for Nick, so i can send out all these letters ive been writing...i havent really been able to talk to him much, and i am missing him like crazy...Sunday was a rough one for me...i cried alot, but it felt good to finally feel it, ya know? i think part of my problem is i dont really have alot of friends around here....everyone lives so far, so it just seems like im on my own with it...andi feel bad for always complaining to the few that i do talk to...makes me feel guilty...so anyway...I cant wait for him to get where he is going so that we can talk on instant messenger....where he is at right now, he gets very limited computer time...and its just too damned expensive to talk on the phone...I just with this war was over and he could come home....i miss him...well enough for now, time to go write another letter...Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Sunday, December 16, 2007

R.I.P Dan Fogelberg

LOS ANGELES (Dec. 16) - Singer-songwriter Dan Fogelberg, famed for the soaring vocals and elegant instrumentation of tunes such as "Longer" and "A Love Like This," died on Sunday, three years after being diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. He was 56. "He fought a brave battle with cancer and died peacefully at home in Maine with his wife Jean at his side," said a posting on his Web site (http://www.danfogelberg.com/).


I love this song.....

Saturday, December 15, 2007

BBBRRRRR


Sweet Comments at DazzleJunction.com

Winter Comments - DazzleJunction.com


Its sooooo cold in my house! my Thermostat says its 73 in here, but i dont believe it...not one bit...I am sitting here at the computer, and i swear i feel a cold breeze coming through this damn house...the only warm room is the bathroom..i dont understand it...so, im all bundled up inside the house..lol...we are suppose to get a good amount of snow i guess..i dont know, i havent watched the news since Nick left...I did hear some of the weather on the radio though...

So far I have been dealing with things really well...Last night was rough, but in all im pretty proud of myself...I am missing Nick...I have only been able to talk to him on the phone a couple of times since he has been there...i did get to see him on the webcam the other day though...that was so great...seeing his face makes me feel so much better...When he gets to his final destination then he can get a phone and internet..until then we are relying on the public ones...its works, so im not complaining too much...

I dont think ive fully come to terms with Logan yet...or maybe its that im just dealing with it becuase its what life handed to us...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Finally a Logan update

So Logan had his appointment with the nuerologist...Seems the EEG test he had over a month ago determined that when logan has eplictical (sp) shocks running through the right side of his brain...it shows that he is 75-80% at risk of having another seizure within the next 6-12 months....So, well, he has epilepsy...I broke down in the womans office...They said that there is some medication he can start using now so that it would prevent any more of them...but that means not truly knowing if there is a huge problem...so, i have a perscription for an emergency dose, just in case a seizure goes longer then 5 minutes...in that case i have to call 911...

Now he has to go in for an MRI within the next couple of weeks to rule out a few other things...the doctor said she was 99.9% positive that he wil have another seizure within a year because of the brain waves...so, i guess i will just be prepared, adn hope that the next time it happens we arent out and about....so thats the update i know some have been waiting for...

woot!

I just had to let everyone know i heard from Nick this morning! I was so excited to hear his voice...omg, its such a relief...i miss him so much already...Im like a giggling teenager, pathetic huh? lol, oh well...he seems to be doing well, just very exhuasted from traveling...over 33 hours of flight time...ugh! im just so greatful to have heard his voice...it made my day...i will be walking much lighter the rest of the day!

i couldnt sleep last night, so i was up writing him a letter at midnight..lol...he is gonna get bombarded with letters, because if all works out alright, he has alot of people that want to write him..lol...so anyway..just wanted to hop on the computer to let people know, and i couldnt help but share my excitement, felt like i was gonna bust..lol..

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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

just life

Today really wasnt too bad...went by kind of fast...I hear there is an ice storm headed our way...hopefully they dont call school off tomorrow...Logan is suppose to have his other appointment with the neurologist, but if the roads are too bad there is no way i am going into Kalamazoo...So i have called there office many time to try to get the results of his EEG from over a month ago, and i get no answer at all...they tell me that i have to call the doctor who ordered the test...and the doctor office who ordered the test tells me that they dont ahve it, because the test was done in kalamazoo...someone needs to tell me what the heck is going on with my child before i storm the office with a major fucking attitude...

The boys are all sick with a cold and cough...I sure hope it dosnt turn into what i was sick with...ugh, i would feel so bad for them...its been 2 weeks since my sickies started, and im still feeling a few effects from it...so i hope it ends up being nothing more then a cold...

Nick is gone...headed to his destination...we talked on the phone all Sunday night, till late into the night, then again very early in the morning..needless to say i got 2 hours on tossing and turning sleep...he left monday morning...he asked me on Saturday to be strong for him on Monday because he was gonna be a mess...I hope i did a good job of it for him...I think i am handling it very well...i wanted to be his rock for the day...ive only cried a little...but i think it just hasnt hit me yet...i talked to him at about 3 this morning, he was in alaska...oh man he had to have been freezing..lol, going from Hawaii to Alaska...what a shock to the system...Im scared for him being over there...and when i really sit down to think about the situation, my heart starts to race and i get all light headed...ive been trying hard not to think about where he is going, and the danger he could be in...its gonna be a long 15 months for us, including the boys, who have grown to love him very much...

so, im off to do some laundry...anything to keep myself busy at this point...but sooner or later i am gonna have to let myself sit down and have a good cry..im just not ready yet...

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Tomorrow

The time has come for Nick to leave for Iraq...Im a mess...I am trying not to be, but ive never gone through this before...I need to be strong about it, for my self, for him, and for the boys...but it seems all i want to do is go to bed for 15 months...Keep him in your thoughts...i dont have much to say other then that....

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Finally feeling better

wow, i havent been so sick in years as i was last week...there are some parts of the week that i dont even remember...it was all in my head and chest...i was so weak feeling....im still coughing a little, and a lil tired, but im over the rest of it...

My mom is back in Michigan...they had my grandpas funeral on Monday...a decent amount of family was there...i feel like i missed out on my chance to say my good byes...i guess the house in Florida is being sold..so is the camper here in michigan...it sucks...i grew up out at that lake, now the camper wont be there....im gonna have to get a tent so that the boys and i can camp out there once in a while...

this week has gone by pretty fast..i didnt to anything all weekend...it kind of sucked, i was still getting over being sick...and not happy about the funeral situation...he really was the only man that was there my whole life, and i didnt have a chance to tell him how much he meant to me...so the weekend was a dull time...i couldnt sleep one night, i was kind of upset with someone, but im sure i will get over it...sooner or later

really not much else is going on...nothing exciting happening...Nick leaves for Iraq soon...i try not to think about it too much, it causes me to have a real feeling of panic...im scared, but nothing i can do about it...

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Erin is a BRAT!!!

-The best thing you cooked last week?
um I was so sick last week, that all i remember cooking was spagetti..so i guess that would be it..lol

-If money, time and babysitting were no object, where would you go and with who?
Hawaii, to see my man off to war...I want to be there so bad when he leaves and comes back...and i would go alone, so that i can experience the emotion without someone interfering

-Five things you were doing ten years ago...
was pregnant with michael
working at meijer
living in Denny's moms basement
trying to get a place of my own
living


-Five things on your to do list today
sleep, clean, eat, take meds(still sick), welcome kids home

-Five favorite snacks
brownies, fruit, veggies and dip, cheese, and ice cream.

-Five bad habits
trusting too much, and believe everything someone tells me

Swearing...i have a potty mouth

yelling...well, not really, but i do it more then i would like

putting off doctors visits

not getting enough sleep

-Five favorite foods
chinese

french silk pie...my moms homemade stuff

shrimp alfredo

most types of fruits

Most any vegetable...I LOVE fresh veggies from the garden (yep, me too)


-Top Five places I've been
new mexico
california
arizona
florida
georgia
(so many more)

-Five favorite memories
the birth of my children
prom
first time i walked into my own house
nick coming off the plane to me for the first time
sex (well, its true)


Next one is to write 6 truths about myself:

1. it takes me a really long time to get mad...but once i am, watch out, my temper comes out to play, and its not nice...

2. I am gullible about very random things. (lol, we agree on this one)

3. i wanted to make music my life...never found a way to do it

4. when i am really pissed off i cry...not to get my way, but because my emotions go crazy...

5. i love sad songs

6. i am nervous about the future and what it has in store for me...

ok, so Erin tagged me...took me a while to get it done, but here it is...lol....

I am tagging Nick (do it), Wendy, Desi, scott, and Val.....have fun kids!