Wednesday, December 31, 2008

new years eve

its new years eve what do you have planned??

I am babysitting...fun huh? lol...the kids will have fun...i got them pizza rolls, and im making nachos, and i got pop..and someone is suppose to be bringing other snacks too...i dont figure i will keep them up till midnight...10am at the latest...i honestly cant deal with a bunch of cranky kids new years day..lol...

but i got me a bottle of wine, and some pecan pie to ring in the new year with! so i will be watching the ball drop on tv, and hopefully talking to my soldier boy on messenger..if all goes as planned and his or my internet works right.. i will be getting a virtual kiss this year...my last year alone...

so after all the kids go to bed, it will be a nice relaxing evening...just me, myself and a glass of wine

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Cleaning out my closet

ok, not really...but figuratively..as in new year...out with the old, in with the new..lol...tomorrow is new years eve...and there are a lot of life changes about to take place...in the next 5 months there is some major things happening....the pages of yesterday are finally turning for me...its what i have needed for a long time now...

first, im starting the new year with a can do attitude...i can make anything happen...the possibilies are endless...i want a job..and thats what i will be working the hardest towards...some financial independance..

in the next month the legal stuff for my "D" should be done and over...finally...after 3 years...its such a relief...some closure i needed to really officially move on with my life...i mean, i have moved on, but this will make me feel like its complete....

This year also brings me Nick...No more deployment, no more army...just us...as a family...to have him home with me will be so wonderful...its what we have been waiting for...to be a family...to be together more often then every 6 months...of course this last time was a year...how we did it i will never really know..lol...but 2009 brings us together for good...no more long goodbyes...hes mine all mine...lol, ok, i will share him with his family!

im not making any resolutions...im just changing things...for the better....

so be gone troubles of 2008, cuz 2009 is rollin in! and its gonna rock!

2008 wasnt all bad of course...i learned just how tough i can be...most of the year i have taken care of 5 boys..4 of my own, and 1 other...alone...i lived through not seeing my man for a year...i slowly learned not to let people walk all over me...ive learned that love can stretch so far, as long as it is true, and strong....ive learned what friends are really my friends, and what ones are not...

really, i just learned more about being me...

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Christmas and stuff

I hope everyone had a great Christmas...

i had a good one...The kids went to their dads, cuz the weather was too nasty the week before christmas to get my shopping done...So they went with him instead...It was my first one without having them at least part of the day...that part of it kinda sucked...I went to my moms Christmas eve, and my aunt Renee came over...we opened presents and had fun hanging out...then christmas morning, my grandma made breakfast fajitas...yummy spicey ones...we opened up our stockings, and just kinda hung out for the day...i wasnt feeling too well though...I ended up coming home that night...I got to talk to Nick a few times on Christmas day, and a little bit throughout the day...

i got a laptop for Christmas...omg, its so cool! its a tiny little thing, and its just basic, but i love it...its so great to having something like this of my own...I am actually on it now...its a mini laptop...an Acer Aspire One...its smaller then a piece of printer paper...it fits in my purse! it will be great for when i go back to school...

My mom bought me the tile for my kitchen counter! im so excited for that...it will be so great to get that done...its been just plywood for over 6 years...i cant even wash it...its gonna be wonderful to be able to clean my countertops!

The weather here has been nuts...it has gone from being really cold, below zero, to being 63 degrees...all the snow we got last week is melting, and its raining...we actually had a thunderstorm this morning..lol...i thought i was dreaming it...till i about jumped out of bed from a dead sleep, because the thunder was so loud...lol, silly weather...alot of the sideroads are flooded in this area...i almost think i would rather have snow then all this crap!

I get the boys back on tuesday..i miss them, i cant wait till they come home...i would like to give them their gifts...i was gonna take down the tree, but i feel bad for doing that before they get their gifts...

I think new years eve will be spent at home alone again...well the boys will be here, but they usually go to bed before then...so maybe i will get some wine and toast the new year myself...its what i did last year too...it is kind of relaxing...i watch the countdown and call all my friends at midnight...lol...

i worked most of tonight trying to catch up in the house...the holidays have put me behind on things...the cold water pipe to my washer was frozen, so i had a ton of laundry to do also...it freezes on me every year...

so i dont know if my van is completely dead, or if its just the really cold weather that makes it not start...its irritating...i want it back...i miss driving it...i like driving nicks car...but its not mine, and you know how that goes...your most comfortable driving your own...although i have to say, i love how peppy his car is...makes me feel like a teenager again..lol

ok off to get more stuff done...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Happy Holiday

Im not sure when i will be around, so i wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, or Happy Holiday, Merry Yule...haha, whatever you guys say....

The boys will be going with their dad this Christmas...it will be my first time without them for this holiday...im pretty sad about it, but they will have a great time...I am going to my mom and grandma's house...i was just gonna go for Christmas day, but i dont feel like being alone...With Nick not here, i just cant stand being in the house for christmas...

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and i will talk to you all when i get home...

I LOVE YOU NICK...MERRY CHRISTMAS MY SOLDIER BOY...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

What about family

I seriously find myself sitting here today swearing at me...kinda funny huh...but this is why...

I always told myself i wouldnt use this time of year as a major gift giving time..that instead i would enjoy life as it is, and be happy with it all...This year i found myself stressing over the fact that i am broke, and cant give my boys the kind of Holiday i want them to have...

What i forgot to do was be thankful for what i have...and compared to alot of people, I have it pretty good...is it a life of money and fame...heck no...but its a life with the family i created, and the smiles i see on my boys faces every day after school when i get to be the one to pick them up...I am honestly not sure i would change any of that for anything in the world...

So this is me telling my boys how much I love them, and that mommy is sorry for being so stressed about something that wont be changing...I found myself putting a label on the Holidays just like most others...it makes me sick to think i fell into that category again...

The Christians and the Pagans

I seen this on a friends blog, and i thought i would share...

Friday, December 19, 2008

Snow Day

Today was our first snow day for this school year...The boys were glad..me, not so much! i have 5 boys most of the day...we had a good size snow storm...thank goodness most of it missed us...i tried shoveling, and it was so heavy i finally gave up...but at least i got the hard packed stuff that the plows put in the driveway...This would have been the last day of school before Christmas break...

I am in such a crabby mood today...im trying hard not to be, but i give up..lol...now im really just trying to get through the day....

I was able to chat with Nick today, and talk to him on the phone for a bit...He is back to where he is suppose to be...safe and sound...now i just cant wait till he is safe and sound here...The boys are getting better about him being gone again...for a while there is was rough...but they are adjusting...

we are doing movie night tonight..my mom got each of us a popcorn bucket, so im about to make some popcorn, and put a movie in and snuggle up with my boys on the couch...it will be nice to relax with them...

Its less then a week before Christmas, and i havent done any shopping yet...The ex messed that up for me pretty good...i havent figured out how santa is coming this year...i got a little help, so there will be a few things, but now that winter break has started im not even sure how im gonna shop...im trying not to stress about it...the other option is to let their dad have them for the Holiday...I havent made up my mind yet...i dont know if i can be away from them and nick for the holiday...haha, can i just sleep through it all???? i kinda like that option!

I am reading eclipse right now...actually, im almost done with it...its the 3rd book in the Twilight series....i love it...im obsessed with this series! i cant wait to read the last one...im gonna be sad when im done with them though..lol....

well im off to make popcorn...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

arg

These last few days have been just rotten...I miss him more and more every second...i hate this...and i hate being weak...Last night our bed felt so lonely and cold that i added an extra blanket just to feel like i had his warmth next to me...it just sucks...I am so ready for this deployment to be over...i want to be able to kiss him awake again...snuggle up on the couch with him while we read or watch a movie...the few days after he leaves are always the hardest...im feeling it more today then the day he left...the boys are moody...we all just miss him so much...

It was cute the morning he left, he had to put on his uniform, and when Steven seen it he got a huge grin...I asked him what he was smiling about, and he said "Nick is in his Army man clothes"...we don't get to see it very often because of the fact that he was in Hawaii, and we were in Michigan...and its nice to see it...i don't know why, it should be a reminder of the fact that he has to be gone so much, but to me its a big part of what our lives are about...i think its good for the kids to see it, so they understand it all...

Michael had his Christmas concert last night...I have no pictures to share...I had to take 5 kids to this thing, and there was no place to sit...i even got there half an hour early...I'm pissed about it...we had to sit out in the hall...I'm angry that i had to miss my child's holiday performance because the school cant accommodate all the parents...How smart would it be if we used the gym at the school...oh wait, that would give us all a place to sit so we could see it...im a little bitter about it all...the weather was crappy last night, and we made our way there only to be disappointed...

im having a bad day already, and its only just begun...maybe i should just go to sleep..

Monday, December 15, 2008

Here and gone again

Nicks midtour leave ended at 6:30 am....it hasnt even been 12 hours and im missing him so much already that I feel sick...a part of me is missing...I did well this morning, i only cried a little this time..I try to stay so strong for him when he has to go, but its a lost cause...its starting to hit me harder tonight...im starting to feel it...the boys too....i had a talk with the twins this afternoon and they started crying...

Photobucket

on a happier note, we had an amazing time, and i got lots of pictures...way too many to post here, but if you would like the link send me a comment on this blog, and i will send the link to the page for them...

he was home in time for Thanksgiving, which is what we were hoping for...I had Thanksgiving with his family...they are really great to me...i love them as part of my own already...we went up to Grand Rapids for a couple of days...we stayed in a room with a jacuzzi tub...it was so nice to have some time alone with him...The first night we were there we went on a sleigh ride through Frederick meijer gardens...it was absolutely amazing...it was at night, and they had Christmas lights all over...then after that we went to Noto's...its an italian place up there...very fancy, and very romantic...and omg the food! wow....i thought i had gone to the afterlife with that stuff..lol...it was yummy! and the wine list was a leatherbound book of 50 pages or more...i stuck with a chocolate martini....

the next day we went to Van Andel museum...i think we were in there for 4 hours! there was so much to see...then we went to The Bob....its a whole building of bars, and places to eat...that was great too...i think next time we go it will have to be on a weekend though...cuz the place was pretty dead...they had great food too...after we ate, we played pool, and had some drinks...and Nick kicked my butt on a shooting game..lol...but well, its what he is trained for....lol...we got a little bored with that, and headed to the movies....we got to see Dark Night.....what a great movie! i was impressed...

time went so fast....Nick bought a car...its a cute little 2007 ford focus....its perfect for him...and will be great for the driving he needs to do to look for a job in the spring...its fun to drive...I havent driven anything that small since before logan was born...

My van died while he was here...it needs a new alternator, but im not sure when i will be able to do that...a friend said she might be able to find someone to put it in for me if i can get one...so hopefully after christmas i will be able to...i dont want to put a bunch of miles on Nicks new car...it has very low miles on it....and im afraid the kids sliding in and out will tear it up...it makes me nervous...

We had 3 Christmases..one with his family, one with mine, and one just us and the boys...Nicks dad bought us a dryer! it saves me so much money, and im so greatful for it...i cant imagine having to go the the laundromat in this weather...Nick got some great stuff from everyone too...i felt bad though, i didnt really have the money to get him anything...

Saturday we did some hanging out...we picked up his neice, and went to Circuit city, barnes and nobles, and then to see Twilight....it was a good movie, but definately not as good as the book!

Im tired, ive been up since very early this morning...i tried to nap, but i just couldnt do it...my bed felt empty...its just not the same without him...

we officially have 12 months down on the deployment now...only a few more to go...im so greatful for that...well im off to make dinner..i know there are some things im forgetting so tell me what you want more details on..lol....

Monday, November 24, 2008

super sprayer

i found this and had to share...this is real talent!


Super Sprayer - The best bloopers are a click away

Saturday, November 22, 2008

waiting :)

Waiting is always the hardest part...I am so anxious to see him...It is hard to believe within a couple of days i will get to hug my man!! The boys are overly hyper because they know he will be here soon...It all feels real now...I am exhausted...I slept last night, but i must have tossed and turned a lot because my neck is hurting, and i have a headache...I have been trying to stay as busy as possible today...its easy to do when you have to try to keep the house in order with 5 boys in it! But im keeping up with it ok i think...well, back to work

Friday, November 21, 2008

very very very very very very very soon

is that enough very's for you? hehe...i get to hold my Soldier soon...cant say when its not allowed...but its soon...its been a year since i put my arms around my man, and im so excited that i get to do that...im like a blubbering idiot right now...i cry at every thing..im just so excited that we have made it almost a year into this deployment...not long now, and he will be home for good....and we can begin...ok, im off to get things done...last minute stuff on the house...so i dont have to worry about it while he is here..

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

some deep thought

My good friend Erin posted this poem in her blog...and it made me cry, so i am passing it on...Not often does poetry touch me in a way this one did..and when i was reading it, i wasnt envisioning a tree...i was envisioning the way i was left bare and alone when my marriage ended, and what it took for me to truly see the man that was standing right by my side...i just love it

THE SACRAMENT OF WAITING
~ Macrina Wiederkehr


Slowly
she celebrated the sacrament of letting go.
First she surrendered her green,
then the orange, yellow, and red
finally she let go of her brown.
Shedding her last leaf
she stood empty and silent, stripped bare.
Leaning against the winter sky
she began her vigil of trust.

Shedding her last leaf
she watched its journey to the ground.
She stood in silence
wearing the color of emptiness,
her branches wondering;
How do you give shade with so much gone?

And then,
the sacrament of waiting began.
The sunrise and sunset watched with tenderness.
Clothing her with silhouettes
they kept her hope alive.

They helped her understand that
her vulnerability,
her dependence and need,
her emptiness,
her readiness to receive
were giving her a new kind of beauty.
Every morning and every evening they stood in silence
and celebrated together
the sacrament of waiting.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Pagan Pictures, Images and Photos

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Happy Saturday

wow, this day has gone fast...of course that could be because i have slept through most of it..and im still tired...exhausted in fact...

i made a list of things to get done while the boys are at their dads house, and i havent gotten anything accomplished..but eh, i will get it done...hopefully..

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Single digits!

about the title, well....im not allowed to explain it...but those who know me, know the deal! lol

so i swear i have been scouring my house this last week...ive never been on such a cleaning spree...its been nice, the more i get my house in order the more peaceful it feels...i want to finish it this weekend, so the waiting can be done in peace...i need some right now...

sleeping has been non existent lately...its the anticipation i know...it happens every time...i didnt figure it would be any different this time..but im exhausted, and i feel like im running off a high...im gonna crash and burn soon...i hope its this weekend while the boys are gone...

the one room i cant seem to get in order is the bedroom...not sure why...just feels like everytime i get to working on it, i run out of ambition...

omg, i took Nicks clothes out to wash them so they are fresh when he gets home, and they still smelled like him....its been a year, how is that even possible? wow, talk about catching me off my guard and throwing off my balance....geeze....i didnt want to throw them in the washer...it would have gotten ride of his smell...ugh, but i did...

i started a new chore system for the boys, and they seem to be taking to it well...its kind of like a points system of sorts...we will see if it continues to be successful...i hope so...

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Veterans day 2008

Today, take some quiet time and really think hard about why you need to thank a Veteran (past and present)...Whether your for war, or against it, they keep you safe..They give there lives, they give up time with their families, they dont always get to be around to watch their children grow...Remember that alot of you couldnt handle some of the things these men and woman see every day..

Today i challenge you to get involved...Do something for someone you wouldnt normally do..it would be especially great if you could do it for a veteran, but if you cant, anyone will do...Just make a difference the way these men and woman do everyday while they are fighting for us...

To my own personal Soldier boy...I love you...Not long now baby! i will see you soon..

I have a family full of veterans...too many to list this time around..but, maybe i will work on that today, so that i can give them the attention they deserve..Now im going to attempt to get through the day without tears, but really thats a lost cause...I cant help but get tears in my eyes on this day...It means so much to me...even before Nick, it meant so much to me...but now i have more reason...

Happy Veterans Day Pictures, Images and Photos

Sunday, November 9, 2008

11 months down and twilight

today marks 11 months down on this deployment! im so excited that the end is coming closer...I have to say, its been rough, i miss him....but its really been easier and faster then i thought it would be...And i think going through this kind of thing has made us a stronger couple then i ever could have imagined...in dealing with a separation like this i learn more about myself every day, and him too...and i think what we have accomplished is so great! There are times i just wanted to sleep through the whole deployment, but ive come to realize if i had, i wouldnt be where i am today...on a mental level...I have just learned so much...I have pulled away from my meditating and things like that...because even though im dealing with it so well, i do have a hard time focusing on that kind of thing...and since i cant do it without my mind wandering, i decided to put that all on hold till i could do it the right way...
So, i am raising my glass in a toast tonight, for the end is getting near, and may the God and Goddess keep him safe, till he is home for good...

ok, now on to the twilight thing..lol...I dont normally get into the hype of what people are doing...but there was alot of talk about the Twilight series...especially with the impending movie....and so i bought the first 2 books in the 4 book series...and let me tell you...i can barely put the first one down...It has had me in a trance all day...it is an absolutely beautiful story! and i cant wait till i have read all of them!!!! if you havent read these books, i recomend it!

Little Red Riding Hood

ok, so back in the day, the story of little red riding hood, did the wolf eat the grandma before he got in her bed?


a question Ramiah asked me today..lol

anyone have any answers?

Saturday, November 8, 2008

A day in the Life of a Soldiers girl

so the title really dosnt fit anything i felt like talking about..haha, but im in a mood...i realized this morning that i forgot to post Halloween pics, as i said i would...so here are a few..

the big green guy is the boys dad..he walked around on stilts all night...my feet and legs were hurting by the time i was done walking, i cant imagine how his were feeling...the boys enjoyed the attention from it all...lol...a good time was had my all..

after they went with their dad, i headed to the bar...the band was great! i loved it...i danced, and choked on other peoples smoke all night long..ok, so the smoke part wasnt the greatest, but i guess we have to pay for having fun right! on the way home, my moms jeep broke...a ball joint..thank goodness it happened as she was pulling out of a parking lot instead of minutes earlier when we were going 60mph...

Last saturday i spent drowning myself with water to try and get all that smoke out of my system..yeah, didnt work so well...i ended up with a sinus infection...its been a fun week..i started feeling better by sunday, but Monday all hell broke loose with it and i slept all day on Tuesday..by Wednesday i was feeling better, but very dizzy..stupid sinuses! Stupid smoke..lol Honeslty i think my body was just in shock from getting out of the house...

This weekend are are doing a lot of nothing...I have been on a cleaning frenzy for the last 2 days...its making the house look nice..so no complaining there...im trying hard to get the bedroom organized and put together...i think i have a handle on all the school work the kids keep bringing home...with 4 boys in school, i seem to be drowning on papers...and i cant decide which ones to keep, and which to toss....im so sentimental when it comes to that stuff...but it leaves me ina sea of papers...The boys rooms have some organization to them now, so that makes it easier...and the boys are enjoying their rooms more...

So, Nicks visit is getting closer...i cant believe in 10 days it will be a year since i seen him...this deployment has been an experience i dont wish to repeat! we have done well with it...but im ready for the next part of our lives....After his midtour leave, he really dosnt have too much longer...Thank the Gods for making it later in the deployment! i think i would have been a huge mess if his leave would have been sooner rather then later...The next time i say goodbye it will only be for a short time...ok, well short for us anyway..lol...and it will be the last time! its been 2.5 years of separation, and im ready to have him home...We have some great things planned while he is home, and i cant wait for that...I am trying not to get too excited, but i cant help myself...Right now i think it just seems like a dream...

So the weather got really cold all the sudden! it was 70 last week, and in the 30's this week...what a shock to the system...guess that means i have to stay inside and clean more! haha, oh well...its that time of year anyway...im just not looking foreward to digging myself out all winter..

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Grow up

to all those who feel the need to talk about me....grow up would you? i mean come on...we are all adults...this isn't high school anymore....go ahead and be mad at me...i have way too much going on in my life at the moment to deal with that...

this is the last time i will touch this subject, because honestly, im way too old for that petty crap...

oh, and im sure this will keep my name on your lips for another couple of months...it will get you through xmas at least...

Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween!!!

Its Halloween!! woohooo! i just dropped the boys off today, and boy o boy do the teachers have their hands full today...lol...all the kids are so hyper with excitement...haha, its gonna be a long day for them...

So, i get to go out tonight...i cant wait...i havent been out in so long...Its just not the same without Nick...This will probably be the last time i am out to the bar before he comes home...I am excited about that...The closer it gets to seeing him, the more i miss him, and the more doing the things we will be doing together just dosnt seem right without him...

Unfortunately, where am going, is where i use to hang out when i was younger... i am a little nervous about that! there are some people i just dont really want to see..There are some people i am going with ...neighbors, and my mom, and maybe another friend...not my normal group of people, but maybe there will be less drama that way anyway...i hope at least...and it will be nice to get out of that "normal" group of people...there are some things going on wtih them i just dont like...

well, hope everyone has a great Halloween, and i will post pictures from the day tomorrow...

soldier Pictures, Images and Photos

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Political Funk

ugh, I seriously cant wait till this election is over...im tired of people being bitchy...why can you not just respect that people have their opinions and stop being such a bitch.....im just getting interested in politics this year, and my friend Jess has been very informative...and i am so greatful for that, cuz when it comes to government things i have no idea what im talking about...But this time around, i just cant wait till its over...i dont want to see people arguing about it anymore...im not super educated on it...and i like to learn about it, but not if people are going to be nasty about it all...

Dont talk down to me...i may not be an army wife or have some high end job, but hell if i didnt run a construction business for 10 years, and apartment buildings....so dont try to make me feel like your better then i am...really, fuck you...and that is me being nice...those comments werent directed towards me, but they might as well have been...

anyway, on to fun things....the boys are totally excited for Halloween tomorrow..they each have something going on at school...and then they get to do the trick or treating and go to daddies...I am suppose to go out tomorrow night, but some unexpected expenses came up, sooo that idea is shot down..i have been looking foreward to it for a while now...ugh! i just want to be around people..is that to much to ask?

anyway, i mostly needed to vent today, i will write more tomorrow night after trick or treating...

Monday, October 27, 2008

Snow?

is it really that time already...time for snow? I am not ready for it! i went to go pay some bills today, and as soon as i walked out the door it started to snow... i dont mind the snow, its the fact that i have to do the shoveling that comes along with it...the one good thing about this season is it just means its closer to the end of all this stuff going on! so maybe i shouldnt complain too much..lol...

the boys are excited for it...i just dropped a bunch of money on coats...and still have to get snow pants and boots...i havent figure out yet how im gonna accomplish that, but well, i will..i always do...

i swear the more i clean the dirtier this house gets....how is that possible!? maybe my standards of how it should look have just gone up...i dont know...all i know is i get one room done, and all the others go to hell..The boys and i worked hard on their rooms over the weekend, and they are looking pretty good...the kitchen and the living room...not so good...im no tgood at being organized...i wish i were...someone needs to teach me, cuz i obviously didnt inherit that skill...i couldnt keep a house clean to save my life...

i got the main part of Nicks dresser put together...now for the drawers...unfortunately my screwdriver is stripped out, and wont work on it, so i need to get another...i want to get it done so i dont have to think about it anymore..lol...

The boys have class parties this week, and a little parade in their costumes...they are definately excited about that...more excited about the candy i think..lol...

ok, off to get the kitchen started..yay , o joy, so fun...lol

Sunday, October 26, 2008

not long now

i swear the next month is just going to crawl by...its getting closer, and the days are dragging...ugh! The boys are excited and anxious and so am i...December means alot of different things to me, and i cant wait for it! finally things are coming to a close like they should have a while ago...im just so hopeful with it all....

Last week wasnt anything too great...I did alot of babysitting so hopefully that helps with Christmas this year...its something im not looking foreward to again this year, because just like last year, i have to say goodbye to Nick just before...So its gonna be pretty sad...

I am glad for Halloween this year....this kids will have fun...and im going out after trick or treating hopefully...i havent been out in over 6 months, and its time....i need to have a little fun...my neighbors husband is in a band, and they are playing at the bar we are going to...so im gonna be a groupie for the night...lol....

This week is gonna go fast hopefully...the boys all have parties, and things like that at school...ive been working on getting the house back to looking the way it should...seems to be a no win situation...but im trying...with babysitting so much it just seems like the house keeps getting tore apart...

I bug bombed the back room the other day so i could go back there and clean part of it out...and omg, when i went to air it out, you should have seen all the bugs...there were 6 very big spiders dead, and lots of black bugs....and i found another place it is leaking back there...unfortunately, im probably gonna have to replace most of the drywall, and insulation, and some of the flooring...same in the bathroom...the vent in there is leaking, and the ceiling is starting to sag...and it looks as if the last time we had lots of hard rain that it might have traveled down into the wall also...This house looks so nice on the surface, but when you dig into it, its falling apart...leaking everywhere, and just not a healthy place to be...my sinuses are worse this year then they have ever been...

I was going to take the boys to get pumpkins today, but they arent getting their rooms clean like i asked, so none this year for them...i guess next time they should listen to me...but im not gonna reward them for not listening...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

vroom vroom

my neighbor wanted to know how i got my van to sound like a racecar..lol....i told him it could be several things...He wanted to know if it had a special exhaust pipe put on it...i told him it was special indeed...so special, it has a hole in it, and thats prolly why it sounds like that...LMAO....If he thinks its so special he can have the damn thing..lol...its been dying for a year anyway...The oil leaks, the radiator leaks, the transmission leaks...oh, and i think there is a leak in the brake lines also...you want it, you can have it...ok, not really, i need it....but you get the idea..silly people

I got pulled over yesterday for the 2nd time in 2 months...no ticket, but it was really kind of funny...when i renewed my plates they gave me a paper one for the window...well, it expired yesterday, and I havent gotten my plates in the mail, so i had to go to the Secratary of state and get it all worked out...they gave me a new one so that i wouldnt get pulled over...hehe, well the cop only seen the expired plate on the back, not paper plate in the window...we had a good laugh about it...im still laughing now...i swear they are just looking for me..lol

The boys and i are really enjoying fall....the cooler weather has been fun to play in...But i play hell trying to get michael to keep his shoes and socks on...he is like him mom and grandma, he hates shoes...we played in the leaves the other day when i was babysitting....it was fun, i joined in the leaf fight...when i took my shower later, i had little bits of leaf everywhere...and i mean everywhere.lol...it was fun though...


Xmas is getting closer...so far I have 4 things bought....and one freebie on the way...One of my SG girls is sending a digital camera for Logan, cuz his wont hold a charge anymore, and its one with an internal battery that Nick gave him....So one of the girls found her old one, and is letting him have it...He is gonna love it!

I think we are gonna try to go this weekend and get pumpkins...im not realy sure yet if we are going to do them this year....and its suppose to rain, so we will see...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

our new member


well, nick and the boys and i have a new member to are little crew...i cant wait for nick to meet her, she is adorable...she came to me named Pantera, but i think Hannah, or Freja suits her better...so...here she is...Introducing the un-named one...


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Todays motivation

"Happiness is a Swedish sunset; it is there for all, but most of us look the other way and lose it."
--Mark Twain

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content"

--Helen Keller

Have you ever noticed how when things are going well they seem to keep going well, and when things are going wrong they seem to keep going wrong? By focusing on the positive, and learning to be content and happy in every situation, you can interrupt any downward momentum. By seeing the positive, however small, in every situation, you are moving your life into the path of things going well. Seeing the positive in every situation is simple, but difficult at the same time. It is however tremendously powerful, and worth the effort. Practice this, and you will see results.

Be Positive

Sunday, October 19, 2008

All the pretty colors

I love fall...the brisk air, the excitement of the coming winter, and the changing leaves...the colors are so pretty right now...i took a walk the other day so i could get pictures for Nick...they turned out pretty good...


of course i had to get one of the boys...i have more pics, but dont feel like uploading them...they are on my myspace profile if anyone else wants to see them...

It is getting closer to seeing Nick...I can barely contain my excitement most of the time...and the days have been dragging the closer it gets...


I dont have the boys this weekend, but im babysitting, so i havent really gotten any time to be alone and relax, but at least im making money...its strange not having mine here, but having someone else's kids..lol, oh well....keeps me busy...

I am so tired lately...i dont know if its the cooler weather, or allergies, but i feel like i can sleep just about any time....im exhausted...

My lawnmower broke...it really sucks...the neighbor says its just the blade, but i know nothing about that kind of stuff....they were nice enough to mow my yard last week...i feel bad when people do that kind of stuff for me...

well im off for now, guess i didnt have as much to talk about as i thought..lol...









Monday, October 13, 2008

Falling behind

im completely falling behind on everything, including this blog...with the kids being sick, and then me not feeling well, i am just falling farther behind every day...but, as soon as everyone is healthy again, my house will get back to normal...

Not a whole lot has been going on...the boys had conferences last week....Stevens teacher was sick, so we didnt get to meet with her...dominics teacher had nothing but great things to say...she was his teacher last year also, and she said that he has come so far..im really excited about that..Logans teacher and i have decided to set up an IEP meeting for him...he is falling farther behind...we arent sure why, because he is so smart...he can remember just about everything you tell him...he had his eyes tested at school, and they seem to think he has a peripheral vision problem, not just an astigmatism...so we are gonna see about getting him to an eye specialist...I met with all of michaels teachers, and i had some concerns, but we talked and got it all worked out...this year he is going from class to class for different subjects, and i dont think he is doing well with it...And he isnt bringing his homework home...so we have to come up with some way for me to know he has homework...i think he is getting frustrated at this point, because things are getting harder for him...

My one exciting thing last week....The police showed up here looking for Denny and his girlfriend...Seems they have been giving this as their address and that pisses me off...The cop didnt believe i was me, so i had to dig out my drivers license, to prove i wasnt Denny's girlfriend...then he started asking a bunch of personal questions about why he left and, who he has been with, and a whole bunch of stuff like that...i was mad that he was making me feel like the one in trouble...and mad that Denny thinks he has a right to give out this address still...he has been gone for 3 years...Jerk!

The twins have well child check ups this afternoon....i cant wait to hear how they are doing...I am sure everything is all good with them...

There is nothing exciting happening this week...we just finished a 4 day weekend with the boys...they were pretty bored by Sunday...

Nick is moving rooms, so i wont see him online for a few days i think...Hopefully they will be set back up by Tuesday...his day off...i cant wait till this deployment is over....im just ready for him to be home...

Friday, October 10, 2008

10 month Happy dance!!!!

woohoo, yeah thats right! 10 months down on this deployment....isnt it awesome!!!! woot! we havent seen each other for 11 months and im sooooo ready for r&r....not long now! yay! we can see the light at the end of all this! its about damn time....so anyway thats it for now....will write more later.lol

Sunday, October 5, 2008

eh.

The last couple of weeks have been kinda long...all the boys have been sick..one right after another...Michaels only lasted a day..i swear he has an immune system made of steel...dominic was sick all last weekend, but didnt miss any school...then Steven got sick last Tuesday, and missed 3 days of school...He ended up with Tonsilitis...to then i get a call that from Denny's girlfriend saying Logan was sick...So they brought him home so i could take him to the doctor...he has tonsilitis also...ugh! im exhausted physically and emotionally from t hem being sick....its rough on us moms cuz we worry so much...really though, i wouldnt have it any other way..

things arent going too bad...when i came home from taking logan in on Saturday there was a box sitting on my front porch...this is what was inside *sigh* he loves me!

Things are going ok...i havent gotten a phone call from Nick in almost 2 weeks now...but ive talked to him online..the phones are down where he is working...sure cant wait till they are fixed..we are almost 10 months in to this deployment...11 months since i last seen him..im ready for r&r...which is coming up soon...i need it...he needs it...Thanksgiving is gonna rock this year

Denny called me at 8:30 tonight and asked if he could keep the boys overnight, and take them to school in the morning...i know it shouldnt, but it makes me uneasy...i think because its something new, and im just not use to it...im glad the boys get the extra attention from him, but on the other hand, he makes me nervous...not jealous or anything...i would have loved to have had a relationship with my dad, but its just all new to me...They need this attention from him...i just havent learned how to handle it yet...

conferences are this week...I am excited to hear how the kids are doing...my prediction is the report will be good for the twins...Logan, they will tell me is struggling still...and michael, well, he isnt doing as well this year as he has in past years...i think his teachers are not very understanding to his situation...i dont know, i could be wrong on it all..but it means a 4 day weekend next weekend...so, i will have to find things for the boys to do...hopefully they wont be too bored...

about 2 more months and all this legal crap should be done...im looking foreward to it...i need it to be done...i need something in my life to come to a completion...all these things hanging over my head is getting a bit overwhelming....i just need some peace of mind....

i would write more, but really im not in a very good mood tonight, so unless i want to turn this into a rant, i think i will go now...nighty night

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Happy Birthday Ramiah!!!

Thanks for being such a great friend to me!!! i hope your birthday is wonderful this year!!!
Happy birthday !

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Stolen from Erin (my blog buddy!)

I am: just me...i dont know how to be anything else.

I have: a desire to make a great life for my boys, and to love with no regrets
I had no idea: That life would take some of those unexpected turns, and then end up ok anyway...only to make me a stronger me
I Am: reading up more on my spirituality

I Think: that life is full of some really wonderful suprises

I Know:i love my boys..

I Want: My man home :(
I Have: to remember to give time to myself once in a while...
I Dislike: Brussels sprouts

I Miss: Nick...im so lonely without him here...
I Fear: never figuring out what I am supposed to do on this planet! ( i have to second this one erin)
I Feel:sappy today...

I Smell: v05 shampoo, just got out of the shower.
I Crave: chocolate..all the freakin time....oh, maybe some sex too
I Cry: more then i use to, but thats ok, i never use to cry at all...now i feel comfortable showing emotions
I Usually: sing the kids to sleep

I Search: for knowledge...its a hunger inside of me

I Wonder: what life will be like after my man comes home...

I Regret: making someone else important than my boys for so long
I Love: my boys..the big one too
I Care: what other people think of me way too often
I Always: light my pretty smelling candles..why buy them if you arent gonna use them?
I Worry: about alot of things...
I Am Not: a dweller...i try hard to move ahead
I Remember: way too much sometimes...but there are some things that are just unforgettable..the making of nightmares

I Believe: that family means unconditional love...

I Dance: every day
I Sing: all the time
I Don’t Always: clean my house...the boys are more important

I Argue: with myself all the time....

I Write: almost every day....it is like therapy..

I Win: in life

I Lose: my sanity somedays

I Wish:i could have stayed in touch with old friends...life is a little lonely some days
I Listen: to music every day
I Don’t Understand: how you can love someone so much that your own life dosnt matter anymore...but its possible

I Can Usually Be Found: at home...i have no life

I Am Scared: that things wont work out the way we planned...and that the changes in life that are about to come will be too hard

I Need: it be told i love you often...those are the best words in the world

I Forget: i dont know...what was the question again?

I Am: learning math on my own...and just looking at the book makes my palms sweaty

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

car show and life

We had a good time this weekend...there was a carshow in town, and it was alot of fun...it wasnt my weekend with the boys, but they were with me anyway...Logan asked to stay the night on Friday when it was time to go to his dad's house..and daddy said it was ok, so we got to spend some extra time together...then when we got part of the way through the car show, the other boys joined us..they were excited..they got to do pony rides and eat junk food all day...There were lots of nice cars there...This one i took for Nick cuz he likes Jeeps so much

the one below is the kids funny face picture! i love it..i think its one of my favorites! after all the kids got there, and before we started walking around..


of course i had to get a picture of the general lee...this was when logan and i were still alone...
School is going great for the boys...they are already starting to schedule conferences...its hard to believe its already close to that time...they all seem to be doing good...homework is a struggle...but thank goodness the twins dont have alot of it yet...I usually give logan some writing homework if his teacher dosnt send any home...his writing is so bad...you can barely read it..Michael got in trouble the other day...I found a ton of work hidden in his bedroom..so he is grounded from some things...

i was suppose to go grocery shopping this morning, but im not feeling well, so im home for the day...my stomach is yelling at me...Michael stayed home from school yesterday cuz he woke up throwing up, so im assuming i caught what he had, andim not taking any chances...so, im here...thinking about laying down...but i always feel so lazy when i do...

ive been kicking butt on house cleaning...im trying to get everything reorganized before the cold weather sets in and we are trapped in the house...its easier to get along when the house is in order, especially when we are stuck inside..the kitchen is almost done...the living room is ok...i still need to do the bedroom...i havent gotten it organized since i moved rooms around, so i have to do that...I have to get some drapes or plastic for the windows this year...last year was just rediculous with the gas bill to heat the house...

I am babysitting tonight...these kids hate my cooking...they dont eat anything that i cook...im tired or trying, so i am making what i want my family to eat, and if they dont eat it, its not my problem...im not making a seperate meal for someone elses kids...sooner or later they will learn that im not gonna baby them...my boys have learned they eat what mom makes, or they get hungry...

Things are going good for Nick and I...I miss him like crazy..its been 10 months since we seen him last...i cant wait till its over...im getting excited about his R&R...its getting closer...very close...i can actually count down to it now...I dont want to have to say goodbye to him again thought :( but on the bright side, it will be the last time i have to...after that, its on the final countdown for him to come home...that will be one of the best days of my life...

time to get back to work, im on a roll, and i would hate to get too sidetracked..hopefully my stomach will hold out on me...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

just wondering?

is it November yet? because it should be...lol....my man knows why ;)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

my daily motivation

"If you can't pay for a thing, don't buy it. If you can't get paid for it, don't sell it. Do this, and you will have calm and drowsy nights, with all of the good business you have now and none of the bad. If you have time, don't wait for time."
--Benjamin Franklin

"Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset."
--St. Francis de Sales

The key is to do everything you can with what you have and when you have it. Rushing and procrastinating are both destructive, and one often leads to the other. A person who procrastinates, will later find himself rushing to meet deadlines. A person who is rushing to meet deadlines eventually burns out, which leads back to procrastination. If you find yourself in one of these cycles, stop it where you are. You can't rush or wait your way out of it, you must simply stop doing either. Instead simply do what you can with what you have without rushing and without waiting. If you do this, your efficiency and energy will increase and you will find yourself accomplishing far more than you thought possible.

Be Present

Saturday, September 13, 2008

rain!!!

its been raining nonstop since yesterday afternoon...we needed it...but we havent seen rain like this in a while...the kids are going crazy in the house..lol...i told them to go play in it...i dont care, they wash...i played in it as a kid, why cant they? well, maybe not steven, he has the sniffles...

My mood is finally starting to lift up again...things just got too overwhelming for a while...they tend to do that when i start thinking of cold weather, heating bills, halloween costumes, and xmas approaching...i dont mind all those things, they just cost more money, and im not in a position to make more to cover those costs....so it makes me start to worry...i try not to...

the school week was good for the boys...they had alot of homework, but thats ok with me...the more homework they have, the better they do in school...lol, just kind of makes it hard when im the only adult here, and we have hours of homework to do, andi still have to make dinner...but i usually work it out..i help them this the things they understand less, and while im making dinner, they do the work that is a little easier for them...Logan does some of his numbers and letters backwards, and honestly, i have no idea why the teachers havent corrected it before now...so, when i check over his work, i look for the things he is making mistakes on, and i make him practice...he dosnt seem to mind it at all...he likes the extra time with mom...He brought home a school library book the other day...its the first chapter book he has ever brought home, and he couldnt even get through the first page...so i decided to set aside a half hour a night and read it to all the boys..they really enjoyed it...ive always read to them, but it was usually shorter books...i hope i can finish it before he has to take it back....i should be able to...he had his eyes checked at school the other day...even though i had them checked recently and he now has glasses...the teacher seems to think that is his biggest problem..but why would the eye doctor be so far off...i dont have the results back yet...

we dont have anything planned for this weekend...the brakes on the van are not working so well...so untill i can figure out a solution to that, we arent going very far...its ok though, we are getting use to it...ive been walking to go get them from school...it gets easier every time...but dominic dosnt do too well with it..his legs start cramping up later in the day from all the walking...

i havent been sleeping well at all...im totally exhausted..i did finally get a little sleep lastnight....but before that, i wasnt falling asleep till 3 am, then having to get back up at 6:30 with the boys....i think i just got myself way off schedule over the summer...i got use to staying up and sleeping in...but, i guess if it dosnt get any better, iwill make an appointment to see a doctor...

i applied to some places in town for work...none of them are hiring at the moment..but it is worth a try anyway..you never know when there could be a job opening...my next wave of applications i think will be to banks in the area...i would love to work in a bank...the ones here in town arent hiring right now...

so anyway, thats my update...

Thursday, September 11, 2008

today


There really arent any words to express how i feel on this day, and every year since then...For the past week i have hear alot of memories from people on this day 7 years ago...i can remember almost every detail of that day...even the smells, and the way the air felt...the cloudless sky...i felt a million miles removed from security...it really is an indescribable feeling...

Today i remember the people who died...but my main focus is on the people still dying for it today...Remember to thank a soldier today...i would feel the same whether i was with one or not...its important that we let them know we appreciate what they are doing over there..so far from their families, and their security...

A special heartfelt thanks to the one who holds my heart so gently nestled next to his...I love you and i am proud of you...I miss you...you are my own personal hero..

i was going to go into my own personal remembrance of that day, but i think its not about that..that will be another time...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

frustrated

you know, there is that one person in this life that is suppose to love you unconditionally, and support your choices, not put you down for them...accept that you are your own person...its that person you are suppose to be able to call when you have something wonderful to share, or when life is throwing you way too many curve balls, and you just need to vent..tonight i called, thinking i would be able to share some good news..and the conversation started out great..i was a bit frustrated cuz the people i was babysitting for couldnt get things straightened out as to who was picking the kids up (they are in the middle of a divorce)...so she brings up the fact that denny and i cant either, and i shouldnt be talking about others problems...ok, i wasnt bashing them, all i said was we didnt get to eat till late, cuz they couldnt figure out if the kids were having dinner here, or with one of them...no real big deal, just a little frustrating..but she just goes on and on and really starts digging into me..making me feel about an inch tall...comparing me to herself, and someone else...well, they obviously did a better job then i am...so, call me a bad person whatever..im doing the best i know how to do..dont like it? then help me out...you had help, but im suppose to do it alone? how does that work? thank you very much for making me feel like a total faliure...if thats what you set out to do tonight, you accomplished it...oh, and hanging up on me...real mature..i love you too

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

life

for days now i have tried to sit down and write a blog, but i could never get one out...i dont know, i just wasnt in the mood for it i guess...Things are going ok..i had a few days there where i was really panicked and just kind of in freak out mode again..but i guess with everything going on, its bound to happen...im better now..for the most part...things are falling into place a bit better..not financially, but i think it will be a while before that happens...most of the time i just accept it..Tomorrow im gonna job hunt a little more locally...but with the hours i can work, no one really wants to hire me...sooner or later, and employer will come to realize whati have to offer...im a good worker, never call in, and i love customer service...and someday, the right job will just fall into place...until then, i will keep hunting..im limited on hours, and thats just the way its gonna be...i refuse to let someone else raise these kids...and now that they are all in school full days, i can work while they are in school...even if its just part time..im just tired of being turned down, and someone calling me lazy, because i put my boys best interests first...

Not much really has gone on lately...i took care of my very first ticket..got that all straightened out...an old friend did a resume for me...i just have to tweak it a little...input some stuff...and it will be all good...i will have to see about going to the library to print it out though..my printer has no ink! But at least i have it now..and i can send it out when i find jobs im interested in..

The boys are still liking school...i talked to Logans teacher today, and she is just so nice...its great that she calls me to let me know how he is doing...she was wonderful to talk to...didnt make me feel stupid like the last one did...Logan seems to like to eat breakfast at school..lol...i think its mostly the fact that he gets to go a little earlier and be with his friends..

I am back to babysitting again after school...we will see how that all works out...the woman i was hanging out with last school year and i had breakfast together this morning and talked things out..its only 1 day a week...but, its something at least...after that she drove us around Bangor looking at houses...she needs to find one...her divorce states that she has to be the one to find a new house...kinda crazy, but whatever...there are some nice houses for sale in this area right now..kind of amazing seems how this is a crappy little town..lol..

the guy down the block that use to make this 'hood so noisy is back...it was quiet for about a month...ugh! oh well, sooner or later we will get him out of here...

My allergies are kickin my butt this year...there is sooo much ragweed in this area...seems every year allergy season gets worse for me..and this year it seems like it started way early...at least if feels that way...i took my allergy meds at 8 last night so that i wasnt so drowsy today, but im still drowsy and drugged up feeling...im just really hoping to keep the bronchitis away this year..i always get it when it starts to get cold...

so anyway, im off to do the mommy thing...need to get stuff done before its time to pick them up

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

just stuff

So the last week has been pretty decent...The boys finally came home from Denny's house on Friday night...he gave me some major attitude and complained that he didnt get to spend any time with them this summer...he has had them plenty, so, i dont know why he hasnt...really, not my problem anymore...but, it was my weekend, and i had plans with them, so...whatever...im tired of being nice, and over accomidating when it comes to my time with the boys...

Friday night, i let the twins pick dinner...seems how they werent here for their bdays...and of course, they picked McDonalds....blech! lol, but they liked it...we walked over there to eat...it was a nice walk...and im totally addicted to the sweet tea they make...at first i didnt really like it...but now i love it..

Saturday turned out to be the day from hell! i got the boys up and fed, and ready to go by 10am...we were gonna go to walmart so that logan could pick out a bike helmet that Nick sent a gift card for...and so michael and logan could get hair cuts before school started...well, we got all loaded up, and the van wouldnt start! i was freaking out....so i opened up the hood...one of the battery cables was so corroded that you could barely see it...so i called my mom to warn her ahead of time that it was happening, we had plans wtih the kids the next day...i let some friends know...just in case we had to cancel the kids party...i was freaking..lol...anyway...Eric, Nicks brother, called and asked if i needed help...which i thought was awesome...so, while he was on his way here, i cleaned the battery cable (yes, all by myself) and got that put back together...after he got here, we tried to trouble shoot and figure out what was wrong with it...finally went to get some jumper cables, and guess what, it worked..lol....woohoo...i was nervous about driving it though...afraid to get stranded...but i went to walmart, and did as originally planned....
Thanks Eric for helping me out...i appreciate it...and thanks ramiah for letting him come help....you guys are so awesome..

Sunday we had the boys suprise party...but my uncle Ed and Aunt Renee wanted us there early cuz they had another suprise for the boys...They had decided to take them to formula K for some fun before the suprise party...they had no idea! hehe, the bugged me all morning to find out what it was...They had a blast...played games, drove go karts...it was awesome...i loved their excitement when we got there...the smiles were priceless...i got lots of pics...they are on my myspace...check them out...anyway after that we had a party for them...Nicks family showed up, and it was my mom, and aunt and uncle...we had a great time playing games and stuff...Thank you Mom, Renee and Ed for doing that for my boys...it means the world to me...you have no idea! i was stressed about not being sure what to do for them...

Monday we just kinda hung out here...nothing special...the boys were tired from the time at dads, and the weekend, so we just took it easy...

Today was the first day of school...they boys did great! im so proud of how they handled it...they wouldnt let me take pics though..lol silly boys...they seemed to have a good first day..they all really like the teachers...and i do too...i think this year will be a great experience for them...

it was so damn hot today...its almost 11, and its still 75 out there...and still hot in the house...i couldnt keep it cool in here at all...the central air kept it at about 88, so i turned on the window one in the bedroom to help out...and it still stayed hot in here...blah! i hate it so hot...

ive been dealing with alot of anxiety lately...im trying hard to let it go...ive never felt like this...its like im fine one moment...then i go into a total feeling of panic and dread...i have no idea why...i know there is a lot going on in my life right now...but it makes me feel so dang weak...i cant be like this...i have too many people depending on me...i dont know exactly what the problem is...i just know ive never felt that before...its frustrating...i think the fact that i have been alone with these boys for 3 years, more if you count the time before that...but its coming close to an end, and now i start to panic...does it even make sense? i mean geeze, ive gotten this far...why now? i was telling Nick, i think i just need at least one thing to be final...And i need a damn job....im tired of feeling like the world can come crashing down around me every month...its an aweful feeling...and to feel that over and over every month is just rediculous...but, no one wants to hire someone with such limited availability... i just dont know what to do anymore :( im out of ideas...

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Happy 6th birthday Steven and Dominic




Happy Birthday boys...mommy is so proud of how big and responsible your getting...we dont get to spend the day together today, but remember i love you, and i miss you..and i know your having fun at your dads!!!

my babies are growing up way too fast....should that even be allowed...these are the last of them for me..biologically at least...and its hard to see them get bigger...

Happy birthday steven

Happy Birthday Dominic

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

An end in sight

well for summer at least....its hard to believe summer break is almost over for the boys...it has gone by so fast...and we havent done anything...except bike rides, and walks...we only got over to Nicks moms house once...its just been us here at home most of the summer...The boys are glad to be going back...they like school..they take after me that way..i always liked school...well, except when i lived in New Mexico...i hated school out there...Michael is headed to 4th grade, logan to 2nd, and the twins are redoing kindergarten...A choice i made by the way...the teacher said it might benefit them, so in order for them to function better in the higher grades i made the choice i thought was right for them...they are also being separated into different classes...i think they need a little independance from each other...they are together so much that they fight constantly...

the open house is wednesday..yeah, i know, on the twins bday..lol...Denny has them right now, but he is gonna bring them back so i can take them to it..they get to go in and meet their teachers, and find their classrooms so that they are totally overwhelmed by the first day...i like that they do that...when i was little, the bus took me to school the first day, and i would panic..lol..but it was often at a new school, so i didnt always know what to do...i always make sure the boys are not insecure in that way...the first week, i take them to class every morning...then after that, i stay out on the playground with them till the bell rings, then eventually i am able to just drop them off...its a 2 week process..lol..i know some wouldnt agree, but its what helps my boys feel confident...and lets them know i am there...

So, i got my first ticket...as if my budget wasnt tight enough already...my plates are expired, and i cant really afford to get them updated...but i still have a family to take care of, so i went to the store....well, when i walked out, our finest bike cop was standing behind my van...so, i got a ticket...its my own fault...and i wouldnt be in a tight situation if i wasnt too proud to take the help that is offered to me....but i turned it down anyway...stupid i know...i would be less stressed if i hadnt...but, im not sure how to let go of that pride when i am in a jam...so, tomorrow i go to the bank and get a money order and send it in...stupid me..

my mom and aunt and throwing logan and the twins a birthday party on Sunday...im so excited for it...they are going to try to rent one of those blow up bouncing things...im not telling the boys about it....im keeping the party a suprise...originally the party was just for logan, but with the twins birthday being tomorrow, we decided to make it for all 3...there is no way i could throw another party right now...

we arent doing anything for memorial day...hopefully there will be a parade in town...i know, not a big one, but its close, and dosnt cost any gas to get there...and i like walking into town...with school starting the next day, i want the boys to relax a bit and get back on schedule anyway...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

passing time

im just sitting here waiting for Nick to get online...its 7am in Iraq...time for him to get off work...makes for some late night for me...but its worth it...in a very short time(well, considering whats behind us), we will start a new life...something better then i have ever known...and i seriously cant wait for that...

i often find that my guard is still up when it comes to believing that i truely am worthing of having someone like him love me...i try so hard to let the past go...its easy, and difficult at the same time...easy because i can feel how much he loves me...but hard because the plan of my life has totally changed...for the better of course...but still sometimes im afraid to think that this new life is real, without looking at how my last dreams had ended...but i think that my last dreams, were full of lies and deceit...the this future we will build for ourselves is full of wonder...something that isnt centered around money...but us, as a family...

so wow, i sure have been coming accross alot of friends lately...friends from school...i love it...its a great feeling to me...ive barely been in contact with alot of them...and i really do miss them so much...i was torn from that, and i want it back...im not sure i can have it back, and if not, i can let it go, and move on...but i dont have to wonder anymore...im going to be making amends...saying my sorry's, and seeing if some of these old friendships are salvagable...i really havent changed that much...as im sure they will soon find out...

so, 3 more months and i will be free of these legal documents that are keeping my life tied down...free of the control, and the power...i will have my own control and power back...and i can continue to mend my life...

i dont really know what brought on this blog...i just started typing...and it all came out...ive been kind of nostalgic of all the old days, and old friends, and its got me believe i will overcome these circumstances...i want to make my boys proud...all of them

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Happy 8th Birthday Logan!!!


My Logan turned 8 yesterday...i was gonna post a happy birthday to him then, but the boy kept me busy all day...we werent able to have a party, because his birthday was in the middle of the week, but we did invite some people over, and they didnt show...i felt bad for him, because he was disappointed ...in fact, he just looked downright sad...he said he wanted to feel special like Michael, and have a big party...i explained to him that it was the middle of the week, and we live kinda far from everyone, and they had to work...but that we would throw him a party with lots of people in a couple of weeks...it made me feel totally like a bad mom...

So we went for a walk, and played some basketball, the went for a bike ride yesterday...i baked him a cake..lol, yeah, im no good at it, but it tasted yummy!
then after the cake he opened his presents, there arent too many pics of that because it was just the presents from me yesterday..but im sure there are more to come..Nick is sending him a gift card so that he can pick out his helmet that he has been wanting...he was gonna order it online and have it delivered, but we werent sure of the size..

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Another day in paradise

This last week has been full of just me and kids...lol...Not much extra really....

I found an old friend on Myspace the other day...i was so excited...and even more excited after we talked on the phone...Conversation came easy for us, just like it did way back then...it was a little different, but thats becaues it has been so long, and there had been so many changes...but i am so glad to have found her again....it was wonderful, and i cant wait to talk more!

Nick got his internet back...its so nice to be able to chat with him...really nice...last night we were even able to get the webcam to work again...i hadnt seen his face except in pictures in quite a while....it was great...

The boys dad never showed up to pick them up for his weekend...he never gave an explanation even when they asked him...he wiggled his way out with an "i dont know"...and now the boys keep asking me...but im not gonna lie to them...i dont know why he didnt show for his weekend...and im sure not gonna make up stuff...I feel bad for them..and they are angry about it...i dont know what to do to make it any better for them...

So, this month im kinda stuck in Bangor...there was a situation with my account because of the ex and a bounced check, so now i have no money...im tired of not having any...I need a job...badly...i feel useless...and im out of ideas for me and the boys to do things around here...we are all just kinda tired of summer, and ready for school to start again...

Last night the "hood" was hoppin with lots of shouting and loud cars...noisy....i had a hard time sleeping...in fact, i didnt fall asleep till after 3, and was woke this morning by a neighbor...we slept with all the windows open last night. it was nice...kinda cold acutally....then at 6:30am i was torn out of sleep to the sound of puking...i could tell it wasnt one of the boys....someone was outside the neighbors house, next to my driveway, below my open bedroom window, puking for all the world to hear...that was not a sound i wanted to wake up to...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Monday, August 11, 2008

All things icky!

When it comes to being a mom, im not always the most sophisticated female there is...in fact, as i have gotten older, i have become more of a tomboy then i was when i was little....maybe it comes from having all boys..i dont know....but when it comes to bugs, ive never been able to budge on that issue! I DONT LIKE THEM! thats all there is to it..not even the friendliest of bugs is desirable to me...

to get to my point...why is it that boys think its funny to make mom squeal? huh? lol, whats so funny about making me run around the yard saying "get it away from me!"

yeah, those would be my boys chasing me...they have come to the realization that i dont like bugs..and they seem to like the reaction they get when they bring me a hand full of them...the other day, dominic came inside and said "mom come outside and see what we found" ...so, there i go, out the door to see what treasures they have found for me...well, they had dug a hole...and what di dthey find....a whole bunch of those roly poly bugs...you know the ones im talking about? the ones that roll into a ball when you touch them...they thought it would be fun to put one in my hand...and what did i do? did i act like a tough chic, or drop it and squeal like a little girl...you guess im not telling..lol...

there entertainment lately is showing me bugs...i guess its my payback for taking away the cable TV...lol

Saturday, August 9, 2008

8 months down!!!!

oh my gosh!!!! we have 8 months down on this deployment....9 months since i last held him or kissed him!!! im so excited to have this much time behind us...yep, still a ways to go, but im looking at the positive....Im totally giddy with excitement, and the boys are looking at me like i lost my mind..lol...well, i have, but its ok, they love me anyway!!!

So nothing too exciting has been happening around here...I think the kids are ready to go back to school...i have started them on a bit of a routine....2 times a day we take time out to read, or do flashcards...I have logans sightword list from last year, and i have made some cards out of them...and we work on that....im so excited....Logan read almost a whole book...finally, for the first time....most dont know, but he is extremely behind on his reading...his concentration just totally sucks....the first day of school i am going to make sure they know all about it...and see if they can get him some extra help....i do what i can here, but with 3 other boys in the house, it dosnt always work...

I have set up a list of chores they have to do every day...steven has been my little helper lately...he is so cute about it...he wants to wash the dishes all the time....lol, i end up having to rewash them, but he does an ok job....i like that i have a list posted and they just know every day what has to be done...it helps alot...and i dont have to remind them so much...

i am loving this weather this week....its nice not to have the air conditioner running full blast 24/7...and the humidity has finally gone down a bit....guess that means its time for yard work..

Dominic informed me a couple of days ago that girls dont have peepee's....haha, i dont think he is old enough to explain all that too...so, i will just giggle at that revalation for now till i think he will be able to understand a little better....

Steven and Logan still have poison ivy, but it seems to be under control...the doctor said it will take about 3 weeks for it to go away completly...I had to take Logan into the doctor yesterday again..he woke with a sore throat and i didnt want to take any chances....no strep thank goodness...i swear that kid is sick all the time....the doctor suggested a multi-vitamin for him...so we will try that....

without the cable tv i have spent alot more time reading...its so nice to get some reading done finally...right now im working on a Nora Roberts one....but i have another one waiting for me that i cant wait to read....its called Emotional Vampires....Erin, that might be one that you like...i cant wait to start it....im trying to branch out away from just reading steamy love stories..lol....any suggestions would be great!!!

well, time to get back to the boys...have a great weekend

Thursday, August 7, 2008

just some stuff

The last couple of days i have accomplished alot on the house...well the inside anyway...The bedroom is coming together nicely...i would like to get it painted before Nick has his r&r...but im not sure that much is gonna happen...I have the headboard, a sidetable, and one dresser assembled...i still have another sidetable, and another dresser to put together...the other sidetable i might do today, but the other dresser is just gonna have to wait...but its starting to look like a bedroom again instead of a storage area with a bed.lol...

The boys went to their dads on Sunday, and came back yesterday...On Monday Denny sent me a text telling me that Dominic and Logan have poison ivy..well, when they came home, it wasnt Dominic that had it, it was Steven...neither have it real bad, but it dosnt seem to be drying up...its not spreading either, so thats a plus....They came back exhausted and filthy....they were happy to be home....i pulled a tick out of Dominic this morning...hopefully i got it all...it looks like i did...blech, i cant stand them nasty little things! Not sure yet if im gonna have them t his weekend or not seems how he had them most of the week...

i think the rest of this week is gonna consist of us laying low, and just hanging out...Saturday if i have them we might head to the Blueberry fest in South Haven...Not sure yet..My mom wants me to go with her on Sunday, but it kind of depends if i have the boys or not...When i called Bambi yesterday, she told me about a birthday party for Sunday too...i wish she had told me before I made plans...im a little upset about it...

Nothing spectacular is going on lately...Nick still dosnt have internet..so we have been relying on the phone...but i count myself luckier then most...so i shouldnt complain too much...Im tired lately..no matter how early i go to bed, im still just tired...im thinking it must be allergies or something...or could be the heat...i dont handle that well at all....especially with the humidity we have had the last couple of weeks...i havent been sleeping real heavy, but part of that could just be me getting use to being back upstairs...i like having that room back...i cant wait till Nick and i can make it ours...I put a chair up there so that i can be up there and read without having to be in bed...

I am feeling so totally alone lately....People keep getting mad at me for not being able to come see them...my friends are mad cuz they always have to come over here..but there really is nothing i can do about it...my van is dying, and i cant keep acting like its not...there is nothing i can do about it, but they act like im doing it on purpose...its frustrating...ive told them its not because i dont want to, its becuae i cant afford to...if this van dies on me, im gonna be in some trouble...i cant function living way out here, with no vehicle...i have 4 boys to grocery shop for, and to take to appointments, and stuff like that...if they cant understand why i cant run my van all over the place, then i dont know what to tell them...i have to think of my boys first...they need transportation...

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Day 227

As of today if i counted right, its been 227 days since i last kissed my soldier....wow, when you think of it like that, we have come a long way...its been like being on a rollercoaster of emotions...especially lately..he would have been home by now if it wasnt for this deployment...instead not till next year :( It makes missing him a little harder now...knowing that he should be home with us...But we deal with it as it come...we are strong...and we make the best of it...His internet still isnt working...but he says it should be soon...they are still working on it...I cant wait for R&R...its getting closer...but excuse me while i stomp my feet and pout a little cuz i want it now! lol....oh well...what can you do? you wait, and write, and chat, and keep your phone with you 24/7 so you dont miss a call....and you know that sooner or later they will be home, in your arms where they belong...and i know, no matter how little or how much i talk to him, he is always missing me...

My knee is feeling better...it still has a little bit of a catch in it...but it dosnt hurt anymore...i think i just overworked it running up and down the stairs...hehe, i know, next time be more careful right? well i still have more furniture to put together, and 2 dressers to bring down, wich i will be doing tomorrow...at least i have the main part of the house put back together...it was looking pretty rough in here! but, im all caught back up...hopefully i can finish putting together the dresser i will be using, so that ican get my clothes put away...that would help alot...

The boys are all done with summer school...they are spending the day with their dad tomorrow...im sure they will enjoy the break from me, and the extra time with him...and will allow me to get all the bedding washed, so its nice and fresh for them to sleep in...

my kitty is still a little sore from his last visit to the vet...but he seems to be getting better...he isnt so moody..i think we got a handle on the flea issue...but we will see...he still has a few that outlived the last application of flea drops...and we cant do more for 20 days...i may take him in for them to do a flea bath, cuz i cant really do it on my own...he is too strong...

its so hot in here...the air conditioner is working real well lately....i think it needs to be recharged or something...there is cold air coming out of the vents though, so, im wondering if the fan on the furnice isnt working realy well...i dont know enough about that kind of stuff to really tell...i just know its hot..i moved the window air into the loft, and that helps, but still not enough...

well, im off to round up the boys for showers...another day down, many more to go....

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

wont do that again!

ive pretty much spent today with my leg propped up and iced...i am absolutely miserable today...i pushed myself too hard these last 5 days or so, and im regretting it today...last night i woke from sleeping to a pain in my knee that ended up with me crying because it was so bad...it didnt hurt as long as i kept it still..but when i tried to unbend it, its like it was locked in position...i wasnt having leg cramps or anything like that...its almost like when i would try to straighten it, my knee cap felt like it was pinching something...after about an hour it finally stopped...but today, it aches...and there is a little swelling...

i know i probably did too much, and now i know what that does...Nick its ok, you can say it...let me hear "i told you so" lol....im stubborn i know...

So Nick dosnt have internet right now..it sucks...im so use to Wednesdays being our days to chat...its his day off...He called me earlier, and that was nice...i just feel so lost knowing that its back to being limited...now, i know, back in the day, i would have gone for a month or more without hearing from him....but we arent in that day and age, and thats not what we are use to...but, i know he is safe, and thats what matters most...guess i will write some letter :) it will make me feel better...and i love writing to him, but most o fthe time i dont, because we get to talk so often..i end up repeating myself..

einstein is at the vet, i get to pick him back up tomorrow...i miss him already...i flea bombed the house today...we didnt have any, then all the sudden we were infested...no matter how often i vacuumed...they just kept getting worse...so, today while i was running errands, i bombed them! hehe...i declared war...i feel so important..

So, im thinking of possibly not posting here anymore...and going back to being really private...i see there are people reading it that i really prefer not to have an inside look at my life..i dont know yet, i havent made up my mind....

time to go ice the knee...