Tuesday, January 29, 2008

be there

Dont feel sorry for me
I chose this
Dont shy away from me while he is gone,
my sadness wont seep into you, i swear
dont treat me like a disease because my man is deployed
Do i miss him?
with everything that i am.
but remember, i am still me
dont run away because you dont know what to say
be there


Monday, January 28, 2008

my weekend, and more

This weekend was soooo long! Friday Denny picked the kids up from school, so i went and treated myself to a manicure...it felt good to do something for myself...its been a while since i had...Friday night i just sat at home and watched movies, and hung out by myself...Saturday, i was suppose to go snowmobile riding then to dinner and bar with some friends...The snowmobiling didnt work out, cuz bambis brother go there too late, but we did go out for Chinese, and then to play pool at a local bar...the first bar we went to was ok, till the band started to play...we had to get out of there after that, they sucked bad...the kind of suckiness that gives you a headache! lol, not being mean, just being honest! Someone at the first bar told pnut about another bar that had a dj...so we went there...cuz me and bambi wanted to dance..lol...well, we played pool there first, till pnut lost his ass to a girl...i mean really lost his ass....she rocked! so we went over by the dj booth and hung out...it was a great time...even better that none of us were drinking at all...its funny how different it is to go to a bar, and watch everyone else get drunk...i liked it...pnut wanted to know how he was gonna be the designated driver now that no one is drinking..lol...

I woke up early sunday morning with the stomach flu...omg,i was miserable....every little sound would send me running to the bathroom...it lasted all day...i must have caught it from the boys....i was so careful to wash my hands and use lysol on everything, but i got it anyway...i slept most of the day...i am fine today, except a headache, and im hungry but i have no appetite....

Nick was sick last week....i feel bad when he is sick, cuz he is so far away from me, and i cant take care of him...i want to be there to take care of him when he dostn feel good...instead he is stuck in the desert...i am missing him bad...i thought i would get use to this by now, but im not...knowing he is over there is really difficult...i think im missed him getting online 3 times in the last week...i hate it when i miss him....we dont get much time to talk, especially with the weather being how it is over there right now....its harder for him to get to a phone...and no internet still unless he gets on the public ones....his computer completely died on him. so now im sure it will be longer...i was so disappointed...when his computer went down, he lost all his pictures that he had so far of traveling to iraq and of them leaving...his cell phone he got over there was pretty much a waste...it dosnt get a signal hardly anywhere...ugh, im just missing him...

the boys are very very moody tonight, so i need to get back to them...just wanted to update my blog...


Wednesday, January 23, 2008


I understand all the hype of a celebrity passing away...in our quiet times these actors/actresses make us laugh, cry, and feel things...they do that for us on a daily basis with the movies and songs they put out...but what about these people who are dying every day so that we can have our freedoms? I dare the media to give each of those deaths as much attention as some of these celebrities...i dare them to talk to each of those families, and get the story of there lives too... what about the ones they leave behind...why dont they tell those stories?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

checking in

I am really slacking on the blog thing huh? Not really much in life has changed...pretty much the same old stuff every day...

The boys had a sleep over last weekend...they had alot of fun...at one point there were 11 kids here...we had a blast! 9 of the kids stayed the night...i let them put makeup on me, whew, i looked scary after that...I made some cupcakes and had different kinds of frosting, and sprinkles and let them decorate them all by themselves...

we got tons of snow over the weekend...it just kept coming down...then i woke up this morning and we were buried again....it snowed hard most of the day, i figured school would get called off early for the day but it didnt...

I had a meeting with some of the professionals at school for Logan today...he is falling behind, no matter what i do for him here at home he is just not doing well in school...Honestly, as many changes that have happened the last 2 years, it dosnt suprise me...we are gonna have his eyes tested too...i have a feeling he needs glasses...He is such a sweet boy...

I mailed out my first care package for Nick today...I was so excited to be able to do that for him..it was all Valentines stuff...i hope he likes it...ive been writing letters to him about every day...i miss him so much...we get to talk almost daily, there are some days we havent been able to, but most of the time its every day...He still dosnt have internet in his room...we figured he would have by now, but hasnt seemed to work out that way...

I have found comfort in this deployment through soldiersgirls.com ...every day these girls help me laugh, and cry and just make me feel ok about things...They are an unexpected light in my life, and i am so greatful for them...its a forum for those of us "other" halves of soldiers...i love it...its nice to have some place to turn where they understand what it is that i am going through..

Omg! i locked my keys in my van today...i was so freaked out...i was at the one school picking up the 3 younger kids, and still had to get michael...i had no way of unlocking it...So i had to call denny...i felt stupid having to call him...first i called him to see if he could give me the number to a tow truck or something, and he said he would come do it...so he unlocked the van with a hammer, screwdriver, and wire hanger..lol...i was so greatful, but felt stupid for having to call him to do it...he was very nice about it...

This weekend i am gonna try to go out with some friends...I need to get out of the house...its been too long since i have...i dont even care where i go, as long as i can get out...was thinking the bar...I am not drinking anymore, but i could dance and play pool and just hang out...or maybe a movie...i dont know, i just need to join civilization for a night...

I havent really heard much more about my divorce, but its still in progress...i cant wait till its over...i will feel so much relief...its been a long time coming, and i want to get on with things...

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

just updating

Its been a while since i made a real blog post, so i thought i would...its been a long week or so...last weekend was my weekend without the boys...i took those couple of days and just relaxed, and spent some quiet time alone...I needed it more then i thought i did...Friday night i just watched some movies...Saturday after Nick called I went grocery shopping and just walked around really slow enjoying my time...Saturday evening, Cyndi, Jen, and Katie stopped by on there way home from a basketball game...that was a great suprise..I miss seeing them all like i do when Nick is home...Sunday, i just putzed around the house..has some more quiet time...I watched the first 2 episodes of Cashmere Mafia online while i cleaned my room...That show was great! total female Power..lol

This week has for the most part been uneventful..I did find out i wont get to see Nick for a year from the last time i seen him...I didnt take it well...In fact when he told me about it, i was dizzy to the point of feeling sick to my stomach...I miss him, i worry about him...Its hard to think a whole year will go by without being able to kiss him, or hug him, or feel and hear his heartbeat when i lay my head on his chest...its hard...I know we can make it...in fact i have no doubt in my mind...it just hurts to think of all that time without a visit...nothing we can do, i know, but im still getting use to the idea...he sent me some pretty flowers yesterday...was totally unexpected! I love it when he does that...makes me feel so special..they are beautiful..Thank you my Soldier Boy...you make me feel so alive...

Michael had his first meltdown in probably about a year...he dosnt always deal well with change, and i guess he has had a substitute teacher for the last couple of weeks...they should inform me of these things...so tomorrow im going in to talk to the school, and this sub about what has been going on...

tonight we had fun filling the living room with blankets...Steven was trying to build a fort in the living room, and it wasnt turning out so well, so mommy had to take charge!! I had to show them how to do it right..lol...i totally remember building forts when i was younger...so i passed on my knowledge! we had a blast...no girls allowed, so even though i built it, i couldnt go in...gotta respect those boy rules! check it out, mommy rocks!
Poor little Logan had a really rough day today! When he got in the van after school he said he had a really hard day today...he sounded so crushed i thought maybe someone had made fun of him or something...but oh no! he preceeded to inform me that his girlfriend had broken up with him! now, keep in mind, my sweet little heartbroken, now single boy, is only 7....yes thats right folks, 7, and he had his heart broken already..lol...are you rolling on the floor in a fit of laughter yet? well wait, im not done yet....so after that, Dominic and steven came out, and they got in, and we were on our way to go pick up michael....dominic said at recess today, that his girlfriend told him that she loved him...............k, now you can pick yourself up off the floor....also keep in mind that this child is 5! whew, i was trying so hard not to laugh, becuase the poor little things were serious, and i didnt want them to think i was making fun of them! needless to say, by the time i got to the school i was in tears from trying to hold back my fit of giggles..my poor little men are already having female problems!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Changing lanes

a song i wrote a while back, i just entered it into a contest, so i thought i would post it here too..enjoy

a year ago she never would have known the turn her life would take
how could things be so different then they were then
a bump in the road her marriage was over
alone with her babies, afraid of what might become
how is she ever gonna make it

she picks up the phone and calls her momma
momma says chin up girl, time to change lanes
shes changing lanes lettin life take her in a new direction
shes changing lanes doing the best that she can

she takes hold of her life, regains control
staying strong for her children is the best way she knows
picking herself up is harderthen anything shes done
sometimes life is so hard

she picks up the phone and calls her momma
momma says chin up girl, time to change lanes
shes changing lanes, lettin life take her in a new direction
shes changing lanes doing the best that she can

shools not as easy as she remembers
real life sometimes gets inthe way of her studies
screaming kids and bills to pay
it all pays off when she has her independance
making a life her children can be proud of
the time for her to shine has come, she has changed lanes

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Weather, and Deployment

i am so totally NOT in a good mood today! we had storms and tornado warnings last night, and im exhausted...the kids and cats were freaking out about it all night long...I went back to bed fora little while this morning, but i feel like crap now...This is January!!!! in Michigan!!! its suppose to snow dammit, not rain...my yard is a muddy mess....I need to get the fence down that fell when we had our last big wind storm...and now, its wet and too heavy for me to move...The city is already on my ass about it being down on the ground...most of the time i can do this by myself, but these are big heavy wet, wooden privacy fence panels! they are hard enough to move dry, now they are soaked...guess im gonna break out my hammer and see what i can do about taking them apart....not sure where i will stash the wood from them...

Nick called this morning...we got to talk for about 25 minutes this time...he has been tryin to call from his new cell phone he got out there, but it gets a crappy signal...so we are usually cut off within 5 minutes of him calling....we are both pretty pissed today....they want to give him his R&R only a couple months after he is there, instead of later...that would mean a whole year of not seeing him after that....that year would go so very slow...they are trying to schedule the men who have babies on the way so that they can be there around the time of the births....i understand that...and i understand they are married and we are not...but that dosnt make our love any less ya know? i have kids too..and although they are not biologically his, he loves them, they love him....and they miss him too....I am nothing when it comes to the Army, and i understand this....it just makes us mad.....We can handle it together....our relationship is strong enough, its just the point...

Sunday, January 6, 2008

I am slacking

Well I am slacking on my blogging that is! With the kids being home on Winter break, i have been so busy...They keep me hopping thats for sure...santa brought them all baskets full of art supplies this year, and we have been playing and coloring, and playing games..all that fun stuff...by the end of the night, after cleaning it all up im exhausted...the boys clean up after themselves, but we have dark carpet, so every night i have to vacuum..and scrub the table toget all the glue and paint off it..lol...its worth it though...they are having a good time...

Last night i took the boys to Big boy in south haven for dinner...this is the first time i have taken them to a sit down dinner by myself...i was pretty nervous about how they would act with just one adult...we have been to the mcdonalds playland and stuff like that...but i havent taken themto a real sit down dinner by myself yet....they were angels...i was so impressed...in fact, everyone around me complimented them on their behavior...made me a very proud mom....we had a lil incident in the bathroom though....Steven made a bit of a mess on the toilet seat...i can understand though....those public toilet seats are not made for kids....especially not in the mens room...but thats the only problem we had....having dinner out with my boys was a wonderful experience...makes me smile just thinking about it

So, i have no water right now! My pipes froze up the night it got so cold, and havent thawed yet...its been a couple days with no water...i am hoping with as warm as it is getting today that they thaw enough to let some water through...i need a shower!!!! Michigan weather is so darn crazy!!! the other day it got down to 10 degrees...today, right now, its 43 degrees....how crazy it that...its so muddy out...we had a ton of snow, and its all melting now...

I have been able to talk to Nick more then i was before..he still dosnt have internet...he said he should be getting it this week...he is sharing a room, and says he has just enough room to stand up...being in such tight spaces would drive me insane! He did get a cell phone, but he dosnt get a signal in his room, and barely one anywhere else....so anytime he has called lately, its been pretty frustrating...still hearing his voice is great no matter what! There was one day i talked to him twice, and once the next day...it was so wonderful having that much contact...i cant wait till i can see him on web cam...i need to get a headset so that i can talk to him on yahoo voice...He seems to be in pretty decent spirits...I am glad for that....i have my days where im fine, and the next day, i am so anxious about everything...I missed yesterdays phone call while i was at dinner wtih the boys...makes me feel bad when i miss his calls...

I have made some really great contacts, and a wonderful support system to get me through while he is gone...It helps to have people who relate to what your going through...I want to thank Breanna and Desi for that...they are the ones that told me to look into it....and even found some links for me...the forums, and yahoo groups have been very helpful to me, and ive even been able to help others...Thanks girls....

well, gotta get back to the boys, its our last day before the go back to school...Hope everyone had a great Holiday....


Tuesday, January 1, 2008

A New Year

Well, its a new year! I am kind of glad to leave the last year behind...im glad to have had the last year, some really great things happened...but im also glad to be in 2008....mostly becuase i get Nick for good in 2009, so it just makes it feel that much closer...

I tried to keep the boys up last night, but they crashed at about 10pm...they just couldnt handle anymore..lol...oh well i tried...I didnt really make any new years resolutions...The one thing i want to do is become more financially independant...

I was gonna do a recap of my year, but i just want to get past it, so I am just moving on...time to start new...I thought i would have this long inspirational blog post today, but i guess i just dont...Its been a long couple weeks, im tired, emotionally and physically wore out...i hope everyone has a great new year...