Friday, February 29, 2008

NO MORE SNOW!

Ok, i understand that the earth needs to renew its self, and all that...and for that I love winter..i love all the seasons because they all serve a purpose...but, aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh....Im soooo tired of shoveling! I have fallen more times then i can count this season, and sore and tired..lol...

the boys and I woke this morning to a 2 hour delay...i kinda like those days though!! the kids are much easier to get up and around!!!!! but when i went out to start the van and get it cleaned off, i realized there was no way i was getting out of the driveway without shoveling...so, i went out and started to dig into the plow packed snow...the first time i tried to dig the shovel into it, it didnt get more then an inch in and it hit ice, i lost my footing, and down i went! The plow had gone through so much today, that the end of my driveway was packed into one big mound of ice!

Yesterday i went to Michaels student of the month thing...they had a singer doing a concert with cool songs, and then they handed out the awards...they kids had a really good time, and im so glad the school does that for them...I was so proud of him...they called his name, told him why he was getting the award, then he stood up there..but when he went up, a group of teachers stood, and clapped for him..i thought that was so great, they didnt do that for anyone else...and i heard them talking about how far he has come, and i was so greatful to hear that!!! they didnt know i was sitting there, so they didnt say it for my benefit...he stood up in front of all those people, and dealt with it, didnt freak out! yay, go michael..i love you my big boy!

i got a little bit of a babysitting job...not much, but it will give me a little extra, and hopefully i will be able to start a little bit of a savings account with it...

Nick got his new laptop today, im so excited..it means we can email back and forth more often, and chat on messenger more...yay!!! i dont know how people did it so long ago when loved ones deployed and there was barely any contact...i would have gone nuts, but i guess it all depends on the era you grow up in..things are different now...we are getting close to the 3 month mark of this deployment..there are days were it feels like its creeping by, but other days where you look back, and it really is going kind of fast....im greatful for that...the sooner its over, the sooner he can come home to us...

we really arent doing anything this weekend....the boys and i are just gonna hang around the house most likely...nothing really fun, but nothing else we can really do...

happy leap day everyone!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

today

Today is just taking forever to be over...Nick called at about 7:30 am, and it was so great to wake up to his voice...i had nightmares all last night, and it sucked...ive been having them alot lately...

this is just one of those days where im missing Nick really bad...i just want him home dammit...

I dont have the boys this weekend, and i was gonna go do something, but looks like im staying home...i should be use to that by now..i was just looking foreward to it...so not much going on, im just kind of mad at the world today...nothing i wont be over by tomorrow...just some bad news earlier...i should just know not to get use to people being in my life...you would think i had learned my lesson by now, but well, guess not...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Eclipse

im not exactly sure how to explain it...how do you explain one of the most amazing feelings? watching the eclipse tonight is such a spiritual experience...and its totally beyond wonder...i just want to soak it all in....it makes my heart feel so peaceful, and full...

it makes me yearn for the great mothers paintings of color as the earth turns green again, and its full of all the colors of the rainbow and more....it makes me want to run barefoot through the thick green carpet of grass...i want to smell the earth just after a rain...

thank you mother earth and father sky for clearing the clouds long enough for me to exprience this great show of love tonight....its a better show then any station can put on...there could have been no better way for me to spend this night..

kinda random

I was thinking last night that im constantly doing updates on the kids,but rarely on myself...there probably isnt really much to update anyway...

Most of the time I deal with Nicks deployment pretty well...There are some days that i would prefer to just sleep through the day to get it over with, but other days go really well...then, there are some days that i think its going so fast, then i look back and it seems like hes been gone soooo much longer then 2 months...I miss him, with everything I am, i miss him...the boys miss him too....i write about 4-5 times a week, and that helps...although his eyes are probably strained from readin so much..lol...i cant really keep myself busy, because there is only so much cleaning you can do before you lose your mind...I miss talking to him so much on the phone, or online...i miss those phone calls at night to tell me good night...

with all this snow, i have barely been out of the house all winter....every time i make plans it starts to snow like crazy again...so, im kind of stuck....im really tired of being cooped up all the time...its getting pretty old...

Ive been trying to think of some kind of hobby i could start that would help to keep me busy, but i just cant think of anything that dosnt cost a fortune...i have made some necklaces, but most of the time i dont have the patience or the imagination to do that...

ive tried so hard to find a job...and to find one close by that will work around the boys schedule is almost impossible...ive just had no luck with it at all...

so, my days are filled with laundry, cleaning and kids...not really a bad combination...it means im taking care of the boys....but i have such a yearning to learn, and be around people...i want to go back to college...some day i will...

Monday, February 18, 2008

proud mom of

THE STUDENT OF THE MONTH!!!!!!!!!!! omg, Michael came home with a note saying he is student of the month !!! im so proud and excited for him....he loves school, and he has come so far!







congratulations

Stupid computer!

Ive been having computer problems, and Nicks brother was nice ehough to fix it for me...its getting me online which is what i needed...Its still having problems, so today im gonna work on backing up all my photos and games..have figured out the music part, so if i lose that its not a big deal, but the pics are important to me..so, im working on transfering them...im so frustrated with it at this point...

But anyway, there has been so much drama lately...not between me and Nick, but just every one around me...you just want to tell them to get a damn life and grow up...an aunt that i havent had contact with except 2 times in about 2 years is bringing it on full force..she must be bored...

This weekend was good...this is the first time in over 10 years i didnt watch the Daytona 500....i heard the last 3 laps on the radio on my way home last night...Tony stewert was in the lead in the last lap then got knocked back, but at least he finished the race this year, and in 3rd place even...GO TONY!!!! Friday night the boys and i just spent at home, Saturday nicks brother and his wife and kids came out so that he could take a look at my computer, and then Sunday, i went to go have dinner with Nicks family...I just love going to there sunday dinners...they are a great family...i wish mine did that kind of thing...but we dont get together too often...they are too busy...but i have an awesome time with his family...they treat me like one of there own, and i love that...The kids were good, they ate well, and didnt get too rowdy....in fact they were really well behaved all weekend...they even helped clean on saturday...2 years ago that would have been a huge fight...im making progress with them....

I have a really positive feeling about this week, so i am hoping things turn around...im suppose to be babysitting in a week, not much, but a lil..every little bit helps....the kids are better finally, and my sinuses are clearing up after 2 weeks of feeling like crap..i just hope im right about the week..i could use a good one....

Nick got his computer ordered, so as long as mine behaves, i will be able to chat with him a lil bit more...I need that..i miss him...i cant wait to have that extra computer time with him...

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentines Day

Well today wasnt too bad, i was a little lonely, but its ok....I did better then I thought I would...After dropping the boys at school this morning, i went into South Haven and treated myself to a manicure, and then got the boys Valentines Day presents...Nothing big, just got each a small, cheap box of candy, but they loved it! After that I came home and just worked in the house for a bit....



Nick signed online...and right after he said "hi baby happy valentines day", my internet died....i was so upset...It had to happen on valentines day, and right when he messaged me...arg! But at least i got to see that much...so, as for my Valentines Day presents...i have to tell you, i dont think i have ever felt so special, as i do when he does this kind of stuff...I had 3 days of valentines this year...it was so awesome...on tuesday, i got a vase full of red roses, and red carnations! beautiful, then wednesday, i got a miniature rose plant, and really pretty planter to put it in...then today, i got a teddy bear and chocolates....i feel so pampered and spoiled...Thank you Nick...I loved all of it....its funny cuz, i always loved teddy bears, but never really collected them...since he came along, i have 3...hehe, i am really starting to love teddy bears..lol...and they give me something to snuggle with at night! Happy Valentines day Nick, and thank you for loving me for who i am...i love you soldier boy....

tonight i decided to let the boys decide what we would have for Valentines dinner...At first they said Tacos...but it was kind of too late to go shopping for that and make it...so then they had to chose something else...and ugh! they picked Burger King...lol...they were so cute about it i couldnt resist...sooooo, they took mommy to Burger King for valentines dinner...lol, its ok though, it made them happy, and thats what counts...now they are watching the movie Barnyard...i rented it for them...

I want to thank everyone for the Valentines wishes today...i love it...it makes this day so much better...having my man so far away ona day like today was rough, and my girls made it better!!!! My little monsters, oh, i mean lovely well behaved boys, made mommy smile all night long! they kept telling me "happy valentines day mommy"...it just warms mommy up...so, im off to watch the movie with them for a bit....

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

overwhelmed- a vent

This day has just been too much for one mom to deal with...ihad to do all my grocery shopping today, because wehad been cooped up in this house becuase of snow and sickness for two weeks now...so i was down to nothing in my cupboards...took me forever to shop and get it all put away...on top of it all, logan has a weeks worth of school work to catch up on...and all 4 boys had to make out there valentines day cards...so there was over 80 valentines cards made out tonight...today is just one of those days i feel totally overwhelmed doing this all myself...the kids have been in and out of school for 2 weeks...mostly out of school, how the hell am i suppose to try to hold down a job if im absent for 2 weeks cuz of snow days and sick kids...honestly anyone who expects me to be able to do that is insane, and can kiss my ass...just the way i feel today....

so, on a positive note, i got a phone call while i was shopping telling me i had some flowers waiting for me...so i got to pick those up while i was in south haven....ok, well i was gonna upload somepics of the flowers, but well, the cord for the camera isnt working...so, i give up today...no really, i give up

quiet house

Its so nice this morning...my house is quiet! 5 out of the last 11 school days have been cancelled due to weather...The ups and downs of the weather here are just crazy! I think I am ready for spring...I like the snow, but I am ready for some decent weather...

The boys were all sick last week...Michael, steven and dominic seem to have a really bad cold, and Logan ended up with strep throat...not sure how one got it and none of the others did, but who knows...Logan missed the whole week of school last week...Michael actually missed some days too, and he hardly ever misses school...There was one day he spent the whole day just laying in bed, and didnt eat anything...and for those of you who know michael, you know thats a big deal...he rarely sits still for more then 10 minutes...I finally have all there health insurance worked out....thats is a huge relief for me..now i can schedule Logans MRI again...

I am still hanging on to this sinus crap...but im not feeling sick anymore...just extremely tired...I had thought about going back to bed this morning to catch up on some of my lost sleep from the boys being sick, but decided to get this done, and then make out a grocery list....I am way past due on my shopping, but with all the kids home sick, its been impossible...So, im gonna wait around to see if Nick calls or gets online,then I am heading out...I havent talked to him in what seems like forever....I am missing him pretty bad right now..not to mention being worried crazy...I think im more wore out from worrying, then from being sick....there has been alot happening over there lately....

Things with us are good...Ive been trying to write him about a letter a day, sometimes its every other day...not sure how many i have sent so far, but there are alot.lol...bye the time he comes home, it will be enough to fill a journal...some days it just seems like i am floating through life till he gets home...there are times that it seems so unreal that he really is in a war zone...even after 2 months my mind still can wrap itself around that fact...oh, yep, thats right, its been 2 months...we have gotten through 2 months of him being deployed...i keep hearing about how all these military guys pushed there girlfriends away before deployment, but that didnt happen with us...if anything, it feels like it has made us even stronger...i guess the experience is different for everyone, but for us, that part just didnt happen...

Saturday i went to Nicks parents house...I had a good time...they are redoing the kitchen and i helped scrape wallpaper...and did a little painting....i was still feeling pretty icky, so i dont think i was much help, but at least i got to spend time with them...i just love his family....the way they get together, and have a good time...some of the girls were painting, and i think they got more paint on them then the wall, it was funny to watch..lol...i was gonna stay there that night, but between the drywall dust, and the weather, i was needing to come home..the drywall dust was making me feel worse, and the weather was getting bad, and i didnt want my pipes to freeze...so i came home....i ended up sleeping 12 hours that night! i havent slept that long in forever!

so anyway, im off to make my shopping list..have a good day!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Reflecting

A girl friend of mine, one Ive never really been too close to, asked me a question that really shocked me today...this friend and I have never really had any deep conversations...It always seemed to be about our kids, that was our common ground...But today when we were talking about how I was dealing with having 4 sick boys, while being sick myself, she said "you just amaze me"...I asked her why, and she said "becuase you are telling me all this, with a smile on your face"...then after I told her that there wasnt much in my life to really be frowning about, she said "but arent you still angry?" To which i replied, "angry at what?" She said, "that your husband just up and left you with not much of anything"...So, that hit a sore spot with me, not becuase she was asking it, but because i dont think about it too often...When my husband left in December of 2005, i was mad...But not really mad that he left, but the fact that, he didnt have the balls to tell me he was unhappy before it got to that point of leaving...Like a job, i was given notice...then he was gone...so be it...

But how can i honestly be angry? I have learned so much in the last 2 years, and what I have learned is that 2 years ago, when i looked at myself in the mirror, i didnt recognize that woman looking back at me...Somewhere along the the line, I had lost who I truly was...I had become weak, and naive, and miserable...I was miserable, and I was living that way because I thought that it was the only way...My life was following a path that eventually would have been the complete death of me...How can I be angry? I have found myself...I can look in the mirror and be proud of who I am now...I have weathered some rough storms along those 2 years, but i have come out stronger, and wiser...i have become a better version of me...I have downsized my financial expectations...in fact, i live below poverty level....but i can tell you, we are happier for it...when we had money, my boys didnt know who mommy was...we were living life like emotionless robots...i had no time or patience for it...Now, we go for walks, and picnics, and bike rides...we are truly a family now...and we are happy...we do the things in life that dont cost much money, and we have more fun doing it, then we ever had before...and in finding this happiness, I have also found someone who loves me for who I am...not where i can help him be in 10 years...

some people disapprove of the way i am living...but i have to ask them why? my bills are paid, they boys are dressed well, and they eat very healthy...They have smiles on there faces, and are more calm and loving then they ever were before...how can you argue with that...is money so important that we have forgotten what it means to be a happy family? Well, go ahead and disagree...this is my family, and we rock!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

in my jammies today

well, all the boys are sick today...this cold just keeps hanging on...but it took mine a while to calm down, so it dosnt really suprise me...Michael hadnt been sick yet, so i suspected he would get it this week...Logan didnt really have it last week either, he was just tired...Dominic woke up crying last night, and was majorly stuffed up...it was bad...i ended up putting him in a hot shower at 1am....it helped break up the congestion in his nose, and he slept the rest of the night...i dont know what to do, i dont have insurance for any of them right now, cuz they are giving me a hard time about it..i suspect they might need antibiotics, and least dominic and logan might...so, i just dont know what to do....the dont get sick when we have insurance....they are never sick when he have it..now, my insurance is suspended, im having a hell of a time getting it reinstated, and they get sick! arg.... just dont know what to do

ive been putting applications in everywhere i can think of...no job offers yet...i need to stick close to home, cuz my van leaks every fluid youcan think of right now..i dont want to kill it completely by driving too far...so, im still stuck on that one right now...im feeling kind of like a faliure today...no insurance for the boys, and no job for me, and im totally at a loss as to what to do next...

i talked to nick last night online for almost an hour...it was so great to get that extra time with him...its been a while since i had...i miss him so much....he said the leftover halloween candy i sent went over well with the guys, so im sending more of it....we stillhave a ton left, and i have it stashed in my bedroom so the boys forget about it...

so i am spending the day with the boys in my jammies...ive been cleaning, and taking care of them...with everyone sick my house feels like its just full of all sorts of germs...so, at least i am accomplishing something today...

Friday, February 1, 2008

hiding out

So, right now im hiding in my room...this day has proven to be just too much for me...I am sick, again...The twins and I had the stomach flu over the weekend, logan had it last week...and i was just getting over that when steven and I started to get sick with a bad cold...now steven is getting over it, and dominic is coming down with it...it hasnt calmed down for me yet...i feel like shit...the only relief i get is in a hot steamy shower, and well, seems how the hot water runs out, i cant stand in there forever! Being sick happens, but being sick, and trying to take care of sick kids too, well, that just sucks...for once i just want to be taken care of when i am sick...

And becuase i am sick, i am extremely sensitive to the fact that nick is in Iraq...I am really missing him today, to the point of feeling like I cant even thing straight(could be the cold meds)...I havent really had so much contact with him, and I am missing the text messages, the night time talk, the silly little flirting on yahoo messenger...I am just missing my man...the one I talk to about everything, yes, everything...he is so far away, hes always been so far away, but this is totally different...the last 2 phone conversations havent been muchof anything...im greatful for the sound of his voice, but neither one of us has been doing anything, so there isnt much to talk about...

I feel like an aweful mom this week...im too sick and tired to be much of one...not to mention that today was the boys 3rd snow day this week...they are bored, and tired of being in the house with me...there are times when i just wish i could call on someone to come help me with the kids so that i can take a nap, but i cant...there are weeks and weeks that i can go without seeing the face of a friend or family..i just live too far away...

so what it comes down to today is, im sick, im tired, im missing my man....now its time for me to throw on my big girl panties, and sneak out of my room to get on with the day...