Thursday, February 7, 2008

Reflecting

A girl friend of mine, one Ive never really been too close to, asked me a question that really shocked me today...this friend and I have never really had any deep conversations...It always seemed to be about our kids, that was our common ground...But today when we were talking about how I was dealing with having 4 sick boys, while being sick myself, she said "you just amaze me"...I asked her why, and she said "becuase you are telling me all this, with a smile on your face"...then after I told her that there wasnt much in my life to really be frowning about, she said "but arent you still angry?" To which i replied, "angry at what?" She said, "that your husband just up and left you with not much of anything"...So, that hit a sore spot with me, not becuase she was asking it, but because i dont think about it too often...When my husband left in December of 2005, i was mad...But not really mad that he left, but the fact that, he didnt have the balls to tell me he was unhappy before it got to that point of leaving...Like a job, i was given notice...then he was gone...so be it...

But how can i honestly be angry? I have learned so much in the last 2 years, and what I have learned is that 2 years ago, when i looked at myself in the mirror, i didnt recognize that woman looking back at me...Somewhere along the the line, I had lost who I truly was...I had become weak, and naive, and miserable...I was miserable, and I was living that way because I thought that it was the only way...My life was following a path that eventually would have been the complete death of me...How can I be angry? I have found myself...I can look in the mirror and be proud of who I am now...I have weathered some rough storms along those 2 years, but i have come out stronger, and wiser...i have become a better version of me...I have downsized my financial expectations...in fact, i live below poverty level....but i can tell you, we are happier for it...when we had money, my boys didnt know who mommy was...we were living life like emotionless robots...i had no time or patience for it...Now, we go for walks, and picnics, and bike rides...we are truly a family now...and we are happy...we do the things in life that dont cost much money, and we have more fun doing it, then we ever had before...and in finding this happiness, I have also found someone who loves me for who I am...not where i can help him be in 10 years...

some people disapprove of the way i am living...but i have to ask them why? my bills are paid, they boys are dressed well, and they eat very healthy...They have smiles on there faces, and are more calm and loving then they ever were before...how can you argue with that...is money so important that we have forgotten what it means to be a happy family? Well, go ahead and disagree...this is my family, and we rock!

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