Monday, March 31, 2008

im sooooo tired!

yes, thats right, exhausted....Ive been sleeping enough, but with all the nightmares i have been having i must not actually be sleeping well...one of the boys keeps talking in there sleep too, so that wakes me up...this next weekend i guess im gonna catch up on some sleep...im hoping to get out of the house for a bit too...we will see...

next week is the boys spring break....lets see if the weather cooperates...i dont want the kids stuck in the house all of vacation...i am gonna try to plan something for them to do, but we will see...im not counting on really being able to go anywhere...gas is too damn expensive...


we had our first spring storm this afternoon...it was pretty...lots of lightning..i love thunderstorms...they create so much energy...

really nothing too intersting has been going on....just life as usual...well, except all the police around the area...thats getting old real quick...there is a house around suspected of dealing drugs, so i guess until they bust them then i have to deal with it...i hope they are gonna do whatever soon...nice to know they are keeping us safe though...

so, nick having internet has been so great... talking to him more makes me miss him more, but its worth it...we are almost 4 months down! less then a year to go...i cant wait till its all over...even though he is safe i still worry...no matter how safe he is, he is still ina war zone...we have approximate dates for his R&R and im pretty excited about it...we stil lhave a long time till me see each other, but every day is a day closer..a day closer to having my man here...my prince...

i am patiently waiting for the box he shipped me....lol, ok, not so patiently...it can come any day now!!!! im so bad at waiting for that kind of stuff! hehe, im as bad as the boys on that one!

i have started my spring cleaning...i made a list for every room of the house, and wow i have alot to do....but, my house will be all fresh for mother nature to bring on spring!!! i love spring....i cant wait to get started on the yard...get some sun on my pale body...

oh, so, im walking on my treadmill 1 mile a day, and the boys and i have been taking walks together inthe evening...it feels good....im not sure why, but my ankle that i sprained last june has been hurting alot....there are days it hurts really bad...im not sure why....some day i will get it checked out...

BRING ON SPRING!!!!!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

mom, whats that smell?

is what i heard from logan a few hours ago...the house around the corner was on fire...i stood out there and watched for a long time....all there ever was, is smoke....they couldnt seem to find what was burning...they were all over the house trying to figure it out...there sure are alot of house fires in this hood....

The weekend was nice and relaxing...not a whole lot happening....had to shovel my way out on saturday, so i could go get my stuff to make easter dinner...after that i was exhausted...i had a yummy dinner on easter....watched lots of movies....did lots of laundry...

monday Michael stayed home from school...said his ear hurt....his dad said he was pretty moody all weekend, so this morning i took him in and he has an ear infection...i feel bad, because he had to have it fora while now...and he isnt always very good at telling you when somethign is wrong...he just starts acting out....so, its hard to read his emotions alot of the time...so, now he is on antibiotics....

i got checked out today too....seems im anemic so, when i can, im gonna pick up some iron pills...i cant wait to get out of this house for a while...i have hardly left it all winter...my job search is still ongoing, but these kids are more important....no one seems to want to work around them, so we stay in this situation a bit longer i guess...but, i would rather be the family we are now, then who we were back then...most of the time its not so bad...

Nick got his internet, and im so excited....we got to chat on cam saturday night for as long as we wanted...no one telling him time is up...gawd my man is hot! lol....we got to talk for a couple of hours on easter...that made my day...he sent me some beautiful flowers today, and some chocolate covered strawberries....he does that kind of thing for me andit just melts me...i feel so special...he is the greatest....thank you soldier boy! Is it November yet?

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Finding my Music

12 years ago, somehow i lost my music....I cant blame it on any one event in my life....Just a series of events that lead me away from it....Maybe because i forgot how to be myself...I dont know....All i know is I have this huge feeling in my heart right now that is telling me to find it again....I miss it, it was my life, my every breath....I couldnt go a day without using an instrument....i need to find it again, i have to.....it dosnt feel like a choice anymore....i need it in my life...

I watched August Rush tonight....It hit so very close to home....more then i can even tell you....now i have this huge need to find my music....

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Nothing interesting

So, i dont think i really have anything interesting to say...im just bored...I have nothing else to do, but im trying to stay awake...Nick gets out of work in an hour, and i wanted to try to stay awake to chat...

The boys have conferences this week, and easter parties and book fairs....its gonna be a busy week for them...and me...its ok though, i prefer it like that..

this weekend is moving too slow...the kids are loving the warm weather though...i got notice from the city that my fence panels that fell have to be picked up within 10 days....i tried, but its all i could do to get 2 of them propped up against the house...i was gonna try to stack them in the garage, but denny still has so much stuff in there....i tried tearing one apart, but it just didnt work out....Nick thinks its funny i finally found something that i admitted i couldnt do myself...ah well....lol, everyone has a weakness...6 ft privacy fence panels are mine...

ive been passing my time tonight watching ice skating movies....fun fun..lol...at least there was one i hadnt seen before...chic flicks are my guilty pleasure...

Thursday, March 13, 2008

There is this woman whose oldest son has been in school with Michael since before kindergarten...for some reason she has latched on to me for friendship and im not exactly sure why! the ONLY thing we have in common is that our kids have been in school together for so long...and im telling you, this woman drives me crazy!

first, like i said, we have nothing in common....im not much of a girly girl, and she is very much so....she is always having little tea type parties, or parties for tupperware and stuff like that...and she gets all butt hurt cuz i dont want to go to them...i dont have a good time, and i dont have the money to spend on that crap...or the space for it..it just fills my house with things i dont need...

then, she is so socially unacceptable....she can take a quiet situation and turn it into a place that sounds like its filled with 50 people...she talks loud, and she laughs even louder....but she talks quietly when no one else is around....so, it feels to me like she is doing it for attention....

and omg the school situation...she is in her kids face all the dang time! she walks them to class every morning, wont let them play outside before school...goes and has lunch with them at school so they cant play with othe kids then either...wont even let the school punish her children for things they do...she tells them she will deal with it when they get home....i am all for being a huge part of your childrens education, but this just seems to go to far...she is holding them back from being socially independant...her boys are good boys, and i dont understand why she feels the need to let them have a little bit of independance...i am in constant contact with my boys teachers, but i think a part of the learning process is to learn to be social also...i think that is a huge part of life...how can a child grow and be who they were meant to be if a parent is constantly in there face....i know alot of people disagree with me, but its just how i feel....

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

just blogging

im slacking bigtime on keeping up with this blog...i dont know why...sometimes i feel like all i do i whine in here...

Michaels speech therapist caught up with me yesterday...she said Michael no longer needs her! that means he us up to speed on his speech...i was so excited...it was a long time coming, and for an autistic child that really means something huge!!!

Logan isnt doing real well...he just cant seem to concentrate in class...i honestly think it has something to do with the teacher....everyone i have talked to dosnt like her...i wish i had known that before the year started...he is being tested for some things..i need to get him an appointment to have his eyes tested...i think he needs glasses...i can just imagine how many pairs we will go through in a year with him...he isnt easy on stuff....

i have requested steven be tested too...i didnt want to, but he is falling behind, and if there is something wrong with him, i want to be able to catch it before he gets behind....

Dominic comes home every day and talks about what he learns, but yet i keep getting reports from school that he is being naughty and wont do the work....so, im kind of confused on that one....maybe they need to be tougher on him...what ever happened to them disciplining in school...i dont get it...being naughty deserves consequences, even in school...

lots of drama going on this way, but probably nothing i should put in a blog...Denny hasnt refiled for the divorce as far as i know....im still really pissed about it...its a control issue i think...he is afraid of my happiness...would mean he is a faliure...funny how the same stupid things he accused me of are the same things he is accusing every one of his current or ex girlfriends...do you see a trend there? he does things, then tries to make it out like he is the one being played...but the things he says about me dont matter anymore, and if you believe what he said then you dont really know me anyway....

i have been so tired since the last time i got sick...just exhausted....i cant get enough sleep...its strange...ive got a spot cleared out for my treadmill, to set it up in my room...then i can just pull it into the doorway and watch tv while im walking...im gonna start back up with half an hour...then work up to walking an hour a day...i started a while back, but it was out on teh back porch, andi cant stand walking on it, in an unfinished room....i finally got some medical insurance, so i can maybe get healthy again...hopefully i can get back on my thyroid meds and get that regular again...would make me feel alot better....

Michael was denied his disability...the reasoning is too much equity in this house...well that dosnt pay for the things he needs, so its time to see about a disability lawyer...

with the time change its harder to chat with Nick before bed now....time in Iraq didnt change, so now when he gets off work its midnight here instead of 11pm....thats just too late for me to stay up....he will finally have internet the first of the month...im pretty excited about it...

well, off to bed...

Friday, March 7, 2008

Well, things have been going ok...not the greatest, but they are going....I havent been posting blogs as much, it seems i dont have so much to talk about these days...I had a headache that started on sunday, and was constant all through wednesday night...if it hadnt gone away by yesterday morning, i was gonna go to the ER cuz even motrin only took it away for an hour, and it would come back...then wednesday afternoon my side started to swell, and was painful....but by Thursday morning it was gone, so, who knows what it was....im just glad to be feeling better...When it first started i thought it was stress, so i did what i could to try to get rid of it...but it didnt work...

This weekend i dont have the boys, so i will probably spend it catching up on the house, and watching movies...im not in the mood to really go anywhere, so i will enjoy my quiet time i guess...maybe catch up on some reading....

Nick finally got his computer...he realy likes it...and he got a new camera, so, i cant wait to start getting some pics from him!! only problem is, no internet except the public ones...its pretty frustrating...he has waiting so long to be able to get online, and he cant seem to get a good enough signal in his room to get online now...so as of now, no chatting yet, except when he goes to the public ones....the cell phone idea never really worked out either...it barely gota signal anywhere...then when it finally did, we were constantly being cut off...if he could get online in his room we could use skype, or yahoo voice or something...but we are still doing it the Army way....lol, its like a conspiracy...ah well, we are dealing just fine with it....i write alot of letters as well, so it feels like i talk to him more often...

the boys have conferences next week...im not looking foreward to the ones for Steven, Logan, and Dominic...they arent doing well....Michael is though....Ive got the 3 younger ones in an afterschool reading program 2 days a week, and yesterday one of the parapro's said that Dominic cries because he dosnt want to do the work, and Steven laughs at everything...I am gonna talk to there teacher and see about having Steven tested for some things....If there is something going on, i want it caught early...I think Dominic's problem is he is just stubborn...and there have been alot of changes, and alot going on the last couple of years....

so, i am thinking about putting all the boys in summer school...its a 6 week program, and would still leave alot of the summer to pay..school only goes till 1:30 i think, and it would keep there minds going so that they dont backslide over the summer...and i really think they would like it...I think at this point, its important for them to keep that education going throughout the summer...i hear its a great program...Denny is against it, but he needs to think about their education and future, not how much fun they can have over the summer..times have changed, and they expect kids to know alot more, earlier then they did when we were kids...the world of acedemics has totally changed...i was gonna put them in sports....but until next summer when Nick is home i think its just too much for me to do...the older ones would have to travel, and the younger ones wouldnt...it just wouldnt not work out....

well, im off to start on my daily stuff....have a good weekend!

Monday, March 3, 2008

im just mad

So, a little back story....our divorce was finally started last september, and what a better day to get the papers sent to me then on Halloween...i was so excited, and found humor in the fact that i got my copy of the divorce papers on Nicks favorite holiday...well, i guess it was my pay backs for getting cocky...

I found out some news on Friday, but had to wait a couple of days to write about it, because otherwise this blog post would just be one long string of swearing...At this point im feeling defeated, beatdown, deflated, and just tired of it...those are the better words i have chosen...just writing about it is making my heart beat faster again...in angry, im sad, im really really mad...I got a letter from the courts on Friday saying Denny hadnt gone in to fill out some papers, so our divorce was thrown out of the court system due to "no progress"...he has barely worked for 3 months...he has had all the time in the world to get this paper signed...so, its done, its thrown out...once again "D" decided that time would bend for him, and he could do it in his own sweet ass time...unfortunatley the court systems dont care about him personally...they care about things getting done on time...our divorce would have been final the endof this month, or the beginning of next...i could have finally moved on with my life...i was so excited...no, all I want to do is cry...just let me go dammit...let me have my life back...all i can do is cry,becuase i just dont understand why, with only 1 month left to go, did he have to do this to me...havent you messed with me enough? Why cant you let me get on with things? it was over long before you walked out the door...why make it last longer...i want out...

i really just dont know where to go from here...i dont know what to do next...It probably gonna be another 6 months of waiting for him to get the papers filed again, then 6 months of waiting for it to become final...why dont i file myself? it takes money, and money is just something i dont have....not the amount it would take to do this divorce...if i could get a lawyer i would...i just dont know what to do....i cant even look at him...im afraid if i do, i will attack...its how i feel....

so, right now, im just feeling broken and so very emotional...

usually i just say ok, lets get going on how to fix this, but i just cant do it this time...its taken all the energy i have to just get through the last couple of days....its been over 2 years of just wanting to be free...i was almost there, i could feel it...