Thursday, July 17, 2008

come to realize

So, i haven't really come to realize anything...well except maybe that im stronger then i ever thought i could be...am i dealing with things they way others would, maybe not...but im dealing...

i don't know if i posted about it before, but the big "D"was started up again...and im totally excited about it...in the same sentence i can also say there are parts of me that feel like such a failure....did i do my best....i don't know...do i do right by my kids...i don't know that either...i think i did...some may not, but i do...i don't regret moving on, and i don't regret that my marriage ended...it needed to, but that dosnt take away the thoughts of failure....i don't miss it...it was not what i wanted anymore either...neither one of us was happy...i feel at peace with life most of the time...but, i have become a statistic, through marriage,and financially...i am statistic...but then again, aren't we all? everyone fits into some group in one way or another...

some thoughts on the whole deployment issue...Ive heard some talk from people about whether or not a person separated for 2 weeks has the right to complain as much as someone for 6 months, 12 months, and 15 months....well personally, i think they do...i know it dosnt last as long, but there is still that pain of separation...no matter how long it is...true, the lesser times might not feel it as long, but they feel it as strong...oh,

and yes, i have come to realize something! deployments suck! yep that's right...they do...but on the other hand...a deployment can be used to strengthen your relationship, and you as a person...it is in no way a test of my patience, because i love him...but it is a test of life...and if you can use it as a positive, then its a much better way to deal with it, and its much better for your relationship...i miss him...with every thing inside of me, i miss him...but we get to learn ways of communication that a lot of couples just don't get to do...in fact, the art of communication is totally lost in today's society....

Ive become distant from a lot of my friends...im not sure why...i think they just don't know how to handle my devotion sometimes...they don't know how to handle my feelings, and sometimes my mood swings...they don't know how to handle me wishing he was always here...some of the friends that seen me through the worst part of my life, have gone different directions...i still know how to have fun, but i don't know, maybe they can just feel that a part of me is missing....at this point, i lead a very lonely life...one of my choosing...but they just dont get it...and thats ok, cuz sooner or later they will...when they see it was all worth it...i have found my life partner...my best friend...why wouldn't i wait for that? we are in it for the long haul...what is a few years out of my life, compared to the next 50? merely a drop in the bucket...

i have a good friend that needs some of your prayers....i cant go into detail....but she has been there for me...and i intend to see her through her troubles...thanks girl for being my shoulder to lean on..even if its only on here.. you have prayed for my mans safety and for my boys and i when i needed it....when you come home to visit, im gonna give you a big hug...."E" you sent me an email the other day, and i know what your going through hurts...you can do it...just stay strong...keep me updated...im kinda worried about you ya know...

i know this post was kind of random...but im totally emotional lately, and just needed to get it all out...i love you Nick...

2 comments:

Jessica said...

I love random blogs. It's such a great way to get out so many emotions. You are a strong woman.

Amanda & Andrew said...

Thanks for dropping by my blog.

I read your latest entry and I want to say:
1) I'm sorry that you're going through a divorce. But, you're right-we're all statistics in some way.
2) It seems you've moved on and that you're happy. Having a happy mom is the best thing for your children.
3) I was separated from my hubs for a year while he trained (he hasn't deployed yet) and I think people can complain about missing someone whenever they damn well want. I also think that 2 weeks of deployment trumps 5 months of training because, well, the worries are different, aren't they?!
4) I pulled away from several of my friends while he was gone. But, it brought me closer to some new people. It's a difficul time, one in which you'll realize new strengths and a side of you that maybe was undiscovered before.

Feel free to stop by my blog anytime. :)