Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Happy Birthday Ramiah!!!

Thanks for being such a great friend to me!!! i hope your birthday is wonderful this year!!!
Happy birthday !

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Stolen from Erin (my blog buddy!)

I am: just me...i dont know how to be anything else.

I have: a desire to make a great life for my boys, and to love with no regrets
I had no idea: That life would take some of those unexpected turns, and then end up ok anyway...only to make me a stronger me
I Am: reading up more on my spirituality

I Think: that life is full of some really wonderful suprises

I Know:i love my boys..

I Want: My man home :(
I Have: to remember to give time to myself once in a while...
I Dislike: Brussels sprouts

I Miss: Nick...im so lonely without him here...
I Fear: never figuring out what I am supposed to do on this planet! ( i have to second this one erin)
I Feel:sappy today...

I Smell: v05 shampoo, just got out of the shower.
I Crave: chocolate..all the freakin time....oh, maybe some sex too
I Cry: more then i use to, but thats ok, i never use to cry at all...now i feel comfortable showing emotions
I Usually: sing the kids to sleep

I Search: for knowledge...its a hunger inside of me

I Wonder: what life will be like after my man comes home...

I Regret: making someone else important than my boys for so long
I Love: my boys..the big one too
I Care: what other people think of me way too often
I Always: light my pretty smelling candles..why buy them if you arent gonna use them?
I Worry: about alot of things...
I Am Not: a dweller...i try hard to move ahead
I Remember: way too much sometimes...but there are some things that are just unforgettable..the making of nightmares

I Believe: that family means unconditional love...

I Dance: every day
I Sing: all the time
I Don’t Always: clean my house...the boys are more important

I Argue: with myself all the time....

I Write: almost every day....it is like therapy..

I Win: in life

I Lose: my sanity somedays

I Wish:i could have stayed in touch with old friends...life is a little lonely some days
I Listen: to music every day
I Don’t Understand: how you can love someone so much that your own life dosnt matter anymore...but its possible

I Can Usually Be Found: at home...i have no life

I Am Scared: that things wont work out the way we planned...and that the changes in life that are about to come will be too hard

I Need: it be told i love you often...those are the best words in the world

I Forget: i dont know...what was the question again?

I Am: learning math on my own...and just looking at the book makes my palms sweaty

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

car show and life

We had a good time this weekend...there was a carshow in town, and it was alot of fun...it wasnt my weekend with the boys, but they were with me anyway...Logan asked to stay the night on Friday when it was time to go to his dad's house..and daddy said it was ok, so we got to spend some extra time together...then when we got part of the way through the car show, the other boys joined us..they were excited..they got to do pony rides and eat junk food all day...There were lots of nice cars there...This one i took for Nick cuz he likes Jeeps so much

the one below is the kids funny face picture! i love it..i think its one of my favorites! after all the kids got there, and before we started walking around..


of course i had to get a picture of the general lee...this was when logan and i were still alone...
School is going great for the boys...they are already starting to schedule conferences...its hard to believe its already close to that time...they all seem to be doing good...homework is a struggle...but thank goodness the twins dont have alot of it yet...I usually give logan some writing homework if his teacher dosnt send any home...his writing is so bad...you can barely read it..Michael got in trouble the other day...I found a ton of work hidden in his bedroom..so he is grounded from some things...

i was suppose to go grocery shopping this morning, but im not feeling well, so im home for the day...my stomach is yelling at me...Michael stayed home from school yesterday cuz he woke up throwing up, so im assuming i caught what he had, andim not taking any chances...so, im here...thinking about laying down...but i always feel so lazy when i do...

ive been kicking butt on house cleaning...im trying to get everything reorganized before the cold weather sets in and we are trapped in the house...its easier to get along when the house is in order, especially when we are stuck inside..the kitchen is almost done...the living room is ok...i still need to do the bedroom...i havent gotten it organized since i moved rooms around, so i have to do that...I have to get some drapes or plastic for the windows this year...last year was just rediculous with the gas bill to heat the house...

I am babysitting tonight...these kids hate my cooking...they dont eat anything that i cook...im tired or trying, so i am making what i want my family to eat, and if they dont eat it, its not my problem...im not making a seperate meal for someone elses kids...sooner or later they will learn that im not gonna baby them...my boys have learned they eat what mom makes, or they get hungry...

Things are going good for Nick and I...I miss him like crazy..its been 10 months since we seen him last...i cant wait till its over...im getting excited about his R&R...its getting closer...very close...i can actually count down to it now...I dont want to have to say goodbye to him again thought :( but on the bright side, it will be the last time i have to...after that, its on the final countdown for him to come home...that will be one of the best days of my life...

time to get back to work, im on a roll, and i would hate to get too sidetracked..hopefully my stomach will hold out on me...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

just wondering?

is it November yet? because it should be...lol....my man knows why ;)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

my daily motivation

"If you can't pay for a thing, don't buy it. If you can't get paid for it, don't sell it. Do this, and you will have calm and drowsy nights, with all of the good business you have now and none of the bad. If you have time, don't wait for time."
--Benjamin Franklin

"Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset."
--St. Francis de Sales

The key is to do everything you can with what you have and when you have it. Rushing and procrastinating are both destructive, and one often leads to the other. A person who procrastinates, will later find himself rushing to meet deadlines. A person who is rushing to meet deadlines eventually burns out, which leads back to procrastination. If you find yourself in one of these cycles, stop it where you are. You can't rush or wait your way out of it, you must simply stop doing either. Instead simply do what you can with what you have without rushing and without waiting. If you do this, your efficiency and energy will increase and you will find yourself accomplishing far more than you thought possible.

Be Present

Saturday, September 13, 2008

rain!!!

its been raining nonstop since yesterday afternoon...we needed it...but we havent seen rain like this in a while...the kids are going crazy in the house..lol...i told them to go play in it...i dont care, they wash...i played in it as a kid, why cant they? well, maybe not steven, he has the sniffles...

My mood is finally starting to lift up again...things just got too overwhelming for a while...they tend to do that when i start thinking of cold weather, heating bills, halloween costumes, and xmas approaching...i dont mind all those things, they just cost more money, and im not in a position to make more to cover those costs....so it makes me start to worry...i try not to...

the school week was good for the boys...they had alot of homework, but thats ok with me...the more homework they have, the better they do in school...lol, just kind of makes it hard when im the only adult here, and we have hours of homework to do, andi still have to make dinner...but i usually work it out..i help them this the things they understand less, and while im making dinner, they do the work that is a little easier for them...Logan does some of his numbers and letters backwards, and honestly, i have no idea why the teachers havent corrected it before now...so, when i check over his work, i look for the things he is making mistakes on, and i make him practice...he dosnt seem to mind it at all...he likes the extra time with mom...He brought home a school library book the other day...its the first chapter book he has ever brought home, and he couldnt even get through the first page...so i decided to set aside a half hour a night and read it to all the boys..they really enjoyed it...ive always read to them, but it was usually shorter books...i hope i can finish it before he has to take it back....i should be able to...he had his eyes checked at school the other day...even though i had them checked recently and he now has glasses...the teacher seems to think that is his biggest problem..but why would the eye doctor be so far off...i dont have the results back yet...

we dont have anything planned for this weekend...the brakes on the van are not working so well...so untill i can figure out a solution to that, we arent going very far...its ok though, we are getting use to it...ive been walking to go get them from school...it gets easier every time...but dominic dosnt do too well with it..his legs start cramping up later in the day from all the walking...

i havent been sleeping well at all...im totally exhausted..i did finally get a little sleep lastnight....but before that, i wasnt falling asleep till 3 am, then having to get back up at 6:30 with the boys....i think i just got myself way off schedule over the summer...i got use to staying up and sleeping in...but, i guess if it dosnt get any better, iwill make an appointment to see a doctor...

i applied to some places in town for work...none of them are hiring at the moment..but it is worth a try anyway..you never know when there could be a job opening...my next wave of applications i think will be to banks in the area...i would love to work in a bank...the ones here in town arent hiring right now...

so anyway, thats my update...

Thursday, September 11, 2008

today


There really arent any words to express how i feel on this day, and every year since then...For the past week i have hear alot of memories from people on this day 7 years ago...i can remember almost every detail of that day...even the smells, and the way the air felt...the cloudless sky...i felt a million miles removed from security...it really is an indescribable feeling...

Today i remember the people who died...but my main focus is on the people still dying for it today...Remember to thank a soldier today...i would feel the same whether i was with one or not...its important that we let them know we appreciate what they are doing over there..so far from their families, and their security...

A special heartfelt thanks to the one who holds my heart so gently nestled next to his...I love you and i am proud of you...I miss you...you are my own personal hero..

i was going to go into my own personal remembrance of that day, but i think its not about that..that will be another time...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

frustrated

you know, there is that one person in this life that is suppose to love you unconditionally, and support your choices, not put you down for them...accept that you are your own person...its that person you are suppose to be able to call when you have something wonderful to share, or when life is throwing you way too many curve balls, and you just need to vent..tonight i called, thinking i would be able to share some good news..and the conversation started out great..i was a bit frustrated cuz the people i was babysitting for couldnt get things straightened out as to who was picking the kids up (they are in the middle of a divorce)...so she brings up the fact that denny and i cant either, and i shouldnt be talking about others problems...ok, i wasnt bashing them, all i said was we didnt get to eat till late, cuz they couldnt figure out if the kids were having dinner here, or with one of them...no real big deal, just a little frustrating..but she just goes on and on and really starts digging into me..making me feel about an inch tall...comparing me to herself, and someone else...well, they obviously did a better job then i am...so, call me a bad person whatever..im doing the best i know how to do..dont like it? then help me out...you had help, but im suppose to do it alone? how does that work? thank you very much for making me feel like a total faliure...if thats what you set out to do tonight, you accomplished it...oh, and hanging up on me...real mature..i love you too

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

life

for days now i have tried to sit down and write a blog, but i could never get one out...i dont know, i just wasnt in the mood for it i guess...Things are going ok..i had a few days there where i was really panicked and just kind of in freak out mode again..but i guess with everything going on, its bound to happen...im better now..for the most part...things are falling into place a bit better..not financially, but i think it will be a while before that happens...most of the time i just accept it..Tomorrow im gonna job hunt a little more locally...but with the hours i can work, no one really wants to hire me...sooner or later, and employer will come to realize whati have to offer...im a good worker, never call in, and i love customer service...and someday, the right job will just fall into place...until then, i will keep hunting..im limited on hours, and thats just the way its gonna be...i refuse to let someone else raise these kids...and now that they are all in school full days, i can work while they are in school...even if its just part time..im just tired of being turned down, and someone calling me lazy, because i put my boys best interests first...

Not much really has gone on lately...i took care of my very first ticket..got that all straightened out...an old friend did a resume for me...i just have to tweak it a little...input some stuff...and it will be all good...i will have to see about going to the library to print it out though..my printer has no ink! But at least i have it now..and i can send it out when i find jobs im interested in..

The boys are still liking school...i talked to Logans teacher today, and she is just so nice...its great that she calls me to let me know how he is doing...she was wonderful to talk to...didnt make me feel stupid like the last one did...Logan seems to like to eat breakfast at school..lol...i think its mostly the fact that he gets to go a little earlier and be with his friends..

I am back to babysitting again after school...we will see how that all works out...the woman i was hanging out with last school year and i had breakfast together this morning and talked things out..its only 1 day a week...but, its something at least...after that she drove us around Bangor looking at houses...she needs to find one...her divorce states that she has to be the one to find a new house...kinda crazy, but whatever...there are some nice houses for sale in this area right now..kind of amazing seems how this is a crappy little town..lol..

the guy down the block that use to make this 'hood so noisy is back...it was quiet for about a month...ugh! oh well, sooner or later we will get him out of here...

My allergies are kickin my butt this year...there is sooo much ragweed in this area...seems every year allergy season gets worse for me..and this year it seems like it started way early...at least if feels that way...i took my allergy meds at 8 last night so that i wasnt so drowsy today, but im still drowsy and drugged up feeling...im just really hoping to keep the bronchitis away this year..i always get it when it starts to get cold...

so anyway, im off to do the mommy thing...need to get stuff done before its time to pick them up

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

just stuff

So the last week has been pretty decent...The boys finally came home from Denny's house on Friday night...he gave me some major attitude and complained that he didnt get to spend any time with them this summer...he has had them plenty, so, i dont know why he hasnt...really, not my problem anymore...but, it was my weekend, and i had plans with them, so...whatever...im tired of being nice, and over accomidating when it comes to my time with the boys...

Friday night, i let the twins pick dinner...seems how they werent here for their bdays...and of course, they picked McDonalds....blech! lol, but they liked it...we walked over there to eat...it was a nice walk...and im totally addicted to the sweet tea they make...at first i didnt really like it...but now i love it..

Saturday turned out to be the day from hell! i got the boys up and fed, and ready to go by 10am...we were gonna go to walmart so that logan could pick out a bike helmet that Nick sent a gift card for...and so michael and logan could get hair cuts before school started...well, we got all loaded up, and the van wouldnt start! i was freaking out....so i opened up the hood...one of the battery cables was so corroded that you could barely see it...so i called my mom to warn her ahead of time that it was happening, we had plans wtih the kids the next day...i let some friends know...just in case we had to cancel the kids party...i was freaking..lol...anyway...Eric, Nicks brother, called and asked if i needed help...which i thought was awesome...so, while he was on his way here, i cleaned the battery cable (yes, all by myself) and got that put back together...after he got here, we tried to trouble shoot and figure out what was wrong with it...finally went to get some jumper cables, and guess what, it worked..lol....woohoo...i was nervous about driving it though...afraid to get stranded...but i went to walmart, and did as originally planned....
Thanks Eric for helping me out...i appreciate it...and thanks ramiah for letting him come help....you guys are so awesome..

Sunday we had the boys suprise party...but my uncle Ed and Aunt Renee wanted us there early cuz they had another suprise for the boys...They had decided to take them to formula K for some fun before the suprise party...they had no idea! hehe, the bugged me all morning to find out what it was...They had a blast...played games, drove go karts...it was awesome...i loved their excitement when we got there...the smiles were priceless...i got lots of pics...they are on my myspace...check them out...anyway after that we had a party for them...Nicks family showed up, and it was my mom, and aunt and uncle...we had a great time playing games and stuff...Thank you Mom, Renee and Ed for doing that for my boys...it means the world to me...you have no idea! i was stressed about not being sure what to do for them...

Monday we just kinda hung out here...nothing special...the boys were tired from the time at dads, and the weekend, so we just took it easy...

Today was the first day of school...they boys did great! im so proud of how they handled it...they wouldnt let me take pics though..lol silly boys...they seemed to have a good first day..they all really like the teachers...and i do too...i think this year will be a great experience for them...

it was so damn hot today...its almost 11, and its still 75 out there...and still hot in the house...i couldnt keep it cool in here at all...the central air kept it at about 88, so i turned on the window one in the bedroom to help out...and it still stayed hot in here...blah! i hate it so hot...

ive been dealing with alot of anxiety lately...im trying hard to let it go...ive never felt like this...its like im fine one moment...then i go into a total feeling of panic and dread...i have no idea why...i know there is a lot going on in my life right now...but it makes me feel so dang weak...i cant be like this...i have too many people depending on me...i dont know exactly what the problem is...i just know ive never felt that before...its frustrating...i think the fact that i have been alone with these boys for 3 years, more if you count the time before that...but its coming close to an end, and now i start to panic...does it even make sense? i mean geeze, ive gotten this far...why now? i was telling Nick, i think i just need at least one thing to be final...And i need a damn job....im tired of feeling like the world can come crashing down around me every month...its an aweful feeling...and to feel that over and over every month is just rediculous...but, no one wants to hire someone with such limited availability... i just dont know what to do anymore :( im out of ideas...