Saturday, December 26, 2009

a post holiday post

I hope everyone had a great holiday.  I love this time of year, not necesssarily for the holiday itself, but the energy people put out.  you can go into a store, or anywhere really, and feel the air around pulsing with it.  its a great feeling.  it gives me such a natural high.

Christmas was good to us.  we had a great time.  was very very busy.  thursday night we went to my moms to visit with family, then at about 10pm, we went to Nicks parents house to open gifts.. we got home about 1am i think.  and what do you know, but santa had already come to our house!  So of course we had to open the presents!  we were up till very late opening presents, and letting the kids play.  then the twins decided they needed to get up at 7am!  which means mommy only got about 3.5 hours of sleep!  I have pics i will have to post later, cuz my connection is stinky right now!  The boys were spoiled this year, but thats ok, its been a long time since we spent way too much money on went with their dad at noon on christmas day.  they didnt want to leave their new stuff behind, and i dont really blame them.

So i am blogging from work..naughty Tara...actually they dont mind.  ive got all the stuff done that i can do, so now im updating the that the world really cares, but a select few might.

So i have heard alot of talk about what is the right way and wrong way to celebrate this time of year, and honestly, people can have their opinions, but really....whose right is it to judge how we spend that time..My boys believe in Santa, he is magical, and i want that innocence in their hearts for as long as possible...too soon do they have to really know the real world. and personally, i think kids have to grow up way too fast..  so mine i celebrate it all for the same reason a christian does? i celebrate it the same way as a pagan does? nope.  we all make our own paths in this world, and i have chosen mine.  I am not naive about it all, this is just the way i chose life for us.

I forgot what it was like to be a working mom...well outside the home anyway.  Mentally i am exhausted.  but i feel so alive.  i feel more independant, and accomplished.  the owners have nothing but praise for me, and after living the way i did for so long, that feels good.  my confidence is boosted beyond belief.  i love this feeling.

So my house didnt sell at the auction last week, and now the bank is trying to work out a plan for us..this is the 2nd time he let it go into forclosure, and i cant handle it againg.  so after i talk to a lawyer about my options, we are going to make plans to move  i think.  I need stability for my boys. that is what is most important, and if i have to worry all the time that he isnt doing what he is suppose to with the house, then how can they have that stability.  they dont know what is going on, and i chose to keep it that way, but they do know that we will be moving, and that they will most likely be changing schools.  At this point, i feel like even if i lose my ass on this house, its better to just move on.  I am tired of someone always pulling the strings in my puppet of a life.  i cut the strings now.  i am even envisioning it happening, and will seal it in ritual tonight.

im so tired today, i can barely function.  i have 6 more hours of work, and i feel like im hanging on by a thread today.

I am sad that the holiday is over.  there is so much build up of excitement, then the day goes by so fast. 

This was the first time Nick and i got to spend the whole holiday was wonderful, no deployments, and no hawaii.  i am so greatful for that.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Almost Christmas

We got our shopping done yesterday before i had to go to work.  It took us all day.  I guess we weren't as close to being done as we thought.  I wrapped some today, but i didn't feel like i even made a dent in what has to be done.  It wont get any closer to being done today.  Nick isn't feeling well, and im too tired now.

The house went up for auction December 17th.  im not sure if anyone bought it or not.  I am sure we will find out soon.  I don't know how they inform us of it all.  I told Denny that this time he needs to give me all the paperwork that comes his way, so that we aren't surprised about when we have to be out.  Hopefully we will have a house to rent in about a month.  We found one we really like.  we just have to contact them to see what it would take to get into it.

I haven't even received an apology for this situation he has put us in.  I don't understand that logic at all.  HIS house has lots of room, and is almost done, and i am having to start over.  I am in the angry stage of it all.  I am mad as hell, and i don't know how to handle it all.  I got what was most important out of the divorce, but he has pretty much taken everything else.  The business, and now the house.  at least with the house i felt things were even.  I don't even really understand how he could do it to his boys.  I think he figures i will give up, and the boys will come to live with him.  but.....he hasn't paid child support in a long time, he cant provide a stable environment, and he just lost this house for us.  I have to go to the friend of the court, and get permission to move them, even though he lost this house, and we cant live here anymore anyway.  its all very strange for me.

This well be the last Christmas in this house for my boys.  it makes me a little sad, but also a little relieved.  I think we need this.  but it feels like all the memories of their childhood are in this house, and i feel like i am leaving that all behind.  It breaks my heart.  around every corner hold memories, i hear their laughter in the living room.  I know there will be new memories made, of that i have no doubt.  its just really hard on me.  Im scared that rent and everything else will be too much for us.

anyway, on to other things.  I love my job.  i thought some of that bliss would wear off,  but it hasn't.  i really do like it.  last week i spent about 4-5 hours passing out coupons and fliers to local businesses to let them know that we are there now.  it helps that it is the type of company i believe in.  earth friendly, and well, the earth is my religion.  they make me feel appreciated too.  I always know when they like the job i am doing.  and it isn't like any other place i worked before.  the owners are amazing bosses.  i could see myself working there for a very long time.

the boys are excited for Santa clause.  they are so full of energy about it all.  And even though things are about to change, i think this will be one of the best Christmases yet.  not because of what we bought them, but because of the spirit of it all this year.  we are a happy family.  yes a stressed one right now, but they don't know that.  we are really enjoying the season.  they have been playing outside a lot more then they did in past winters.  its just been an all around great experience.  it helps that i have a job, it makes me feel so much more accomplished, and i feel like i am contributing.  this will be a bitter sweet holiday for sure.

its going to be very busy for us this time around.  Christmas eve we are going to my moms, then headed to nicks moms, then Christmas morning we open presents with the boys, then they go with their dad, and we head back to my moms, to open presents with the adults.  This year my family is getting together on Christmas eve like we use to when i was little.  i am excited about it.  My uncle Fred,and aunt Joannie will be here too!!! a first in a long time.  my cousin Jennifer and her family will be coming later.  i get to see her twice in one year.  i think that is amazing for sure!

new years eve we don't have the boys, so we are gonna try to go do something.  anything would be fine with me.  i haven't been out on new years eve in a long time.

well, time for a movie night with my monsters.  thanks for reading if you made it this far

Sunday, December 13, 2009


Yes we are.

A little back story...

about 3.5 years ago I let the ex husband mortgage my house, so that he could start buying houses to fix up and sell. Well he bought one, started fixing it, and ive heard through the grapevine that he will be keeping it. When he mortgaged it he promised financially things would be better, and that he would have an easier time paying the things he is suppose to pay (child support). He was suppose to consolidate all of his bills, and from what i hear, he didn't do that either. I feel stupid for trusting him. He has defaulted on it twice, and this last time didn't tell me till the amount was too high for us to fix. I know times are hard, but why did he not tell us. This is my childrens home. The home i have had for them for 11 years as of this February. Well he is trying to make a deal with us now, that he will save money for the next 6 months (when we have to be out of here), and then help us with a down payment for a "new and better house for me and the boys". First i see lots of problems with that. With a foreclosure in our names how is that even possible? and I haven't received more then 500 in child support in 6 months, so the way i see it, instead of paying child support he will save that money , the boys money, and try to took like a hero? um, no. oh, and the stipulation is, that is only if we stay in the bangor area. an area i cant stand, and that is far away from where Nick and I work? I am not having any of that. he says he is only doing what is best for the boys.. if that were the case, the house would have been paid on. If he didn't have the money, he should have told us.

I am bitter about it all, but I am starting to see the silver lining. There is something positive in every situation. We get to move out of a house that leaks, and is cold all winter long. a house that is falling apart (even though its been "redone"). We get to be closer to our families, we don't have to drive 45 minutes each way to work, or to go do something enjoyable. It will save us gas money, and bills because we can live in a place that is taken care of.

I am trying to see this is a new and exciting adventure. I am nervous, actually i am a mix of a lot of strong emotions. I don't know how i am going to feel from one day to another, and it makes me moody and irritable some days. I find myself snapping at Nick, and i don't mean to, but im so freaked out about it all. The boys will have to change schools, something none of us have had to deal with before, they have been in the same school district all their lives. I think i am more nervous about it then they are. I don't know how it all works. I am scared that a new school wont understand them the way this one does. But i think in all, a move will be good for them too. It will give them a chance to start over. to make a decision to do better. i think it will be a great adventure, with lots of new friends and opportunities for them.

I have a feeling the ex will try to stop this somehow. i am not sure how, but im just sure of it. but the fact that no child support has been paid, and he failed to follow court order and pay his mortgage, which resulted in us losing the only home my boys have known will work in my favor anyway. besides the fact that i am a good mom, and there is nothing to say im not :) well im sure some select people would disagree, but i dont care about them at all, so it dosnt matter

So anyway, that's whats going on in my life.

I say it was a stupid decision to make, but my mom says that as long as i learned something from it, then it wasn't stupid

Friday, December 4, 2009

this and that

Life is about to get really busy!

Our new store is about to open, its the one i was hired for. well, they are figuring its gonna be busier then first thought, sooooo...........i work monday-sunday next week! That is great news for me, i need the hours... i need them bad...i love my job, its hard on my feet, so i got some good shoes today..they arent pretty, but they will do the back was starting to hurt because of the shoes i of the owners told me that he was impressed with my customer service skills, and that i am learing fast...that kind of thing is good to hear...

so, some bad news. Nick got laid off...yep thats right folks, just before christmas..we are both pretty stressed about it...I am not getting any child support, havent really since Nick has been home, and so on top of all that, we are just very stressed :( but we will get through it...its just another obstical to overcome...i was so excited cuz things were looking so great, and now im a bit overwhelmed..its so close to christmas, and now im not sure of things..

The boys will be in a parade tomorrow not sur if i will get the chance to see it...i have to work till 5, and it will take me a while to get home..Logan, Steven and dominic will be in it for boyscouts, and michael will be in it for school...He was a Star student (good kid), so he gets to be in it too...they are all pretty excited..Nick took them a few nights ago to work on the float, i had to work, so i didnt get to go, but they were pretty excited about it..

with me working, Nick and the boys dad have been taking care of the boys feels so strange passing off that responsibility..i dont really like that part of it..its really hard on me, and i think the boys are starting to feel it too...

It snowed last night, and today...we got lots of it...the boys are happy, and nick is too...they played out in it after school..they had a snowball fight...nick tried to build a snowman, but the snow wasnt packing good enough..

We got our Christmas tree up and decorated also..that was mom gave us her tree this year, so we have a bigger tree with lots of lights!

molly likes decorating too!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Been a while

I havent updated in a bit. Things have been so busy!

I love love love my new job! It is amazing! I just know im gonna love it. I get to dress up, and I have a reason to look nice when I go in. I havent heard any critism yet, so I must be doing ok with it. I am learning alot. We are still waiting for the new store to open, so i have been working at the westnedge store for now. Meaning less hours. I am a little concerned with the hours they want me to work though. I thought i was being hired to work more during the day, and the owner is now saying I will be working nights and weekends. Thats ok for now, but I have a family, and Nick is in school at night. I cant do nights and weekends forever. I am greatful for this job, its just gonna be hard not seeing the kids.

Thanksgiving was good. We were so busy the day before, and all holiday weekend. i baked some last Wednesday, and then we went to Nicks parents house for Thanksgiving dinner. it was a nice dinner. Afterwards I took the boys to denny so he could have some time with them too. we went shopping and got a huge chunk of our shopping done. we caught some sales, but most stuff that we wanted for the boys wasnt on sale. go worked Saturday, then Nick met me in Kalamazoo and we just hung out, and visited.

This week is not so busy, but still a bit more then I am use to. The boys have boyscouts tonight, and we are decorating the tree after nick gets home. Tomorrow night i have to work, so Nick will be picking them up on his way home from work, cuz i dont get out till 8pm. I work Saturday and Sunday also as far as I know. I should be in the new store, but not sure yet. Depends on if they get all their stuff in they need to open.

I am really nervous that things with the kids and my job wont work. this is a job i really like, and sometimes it seems very unreal. I feel like im waiting for it to end.

its cold here. I thought i was ready for it, but im not. The kids are hoping to see snow soon. I just cant seem to stay warm at this point. I am always cold!

Nick had a 4 day weekend off of work and school..It was nice to spend the extra time with him. Now with me having a job that has me working weekends thats even more time for us not to spend are definitely gonna have to make the time we do have together mean alot..

Thursday, November 19, 2009


Thats right folks...i got a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been looking for over 2 years for something that will work with the kids school schedule, and omg i found it...I start training this monday...i will be working about 25 hours a week...not too bad...i am really excited...this will make me feel like i am contributing to our lives...

I am so nervous...i havent had a job outside a home office in 7 years...i did the apartments, but thats it...this kids went with me to do that...

but anyway.. I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

They didnt call

I had an interview last Friday, and for some reason, i was pretty sure they would pick me for the job. They said they would make their decision by Monday. Well, Monday has come and gone, and I didnt get a phone call. I am kind of upset about it. Very actually. I really wanted this job, and was pretty certain about it. But, no call. Nick says to keep a positive attitude, cuz they may have just been busy. This is a job I really wanted. I am still hoping for that phone call telling me that i am the one they choose.

So anyway, Nick and I had a great weekend. Friday night he had class. Saturday we got up and he opened up a checking account. He had one, but it wasnt local. Then we came home and got ready for the day. We went to get our hair cuts, and then went to Barns and Nobles. One of our favorite hangouts. then we went to Outback for dinner. I hadnt been there for dinner in over 4 years. It was great. After dinner we went to play some pool, and of course he kicked my butt at it. I am not good at it. But its fun to try, lol.

dominic was sick last week. he missed 3 days of school. I took him to the doctor on thursday, and it turns out he had Bronchitis. and they said he has really bad winter allergies. Im am not excited about the allergy thing of course. So i have to vacuum ALOT, and wash his bedding once or twice a week, to help him be healthy. He is on Claritin for the next 4 months.

i still have to take down the rest of the Halloween stuff. I need Nick to take down one outside, i cant do it myself, our ladder sucks, and i need him to hold it for me so i dont fly off of it. Maybe it will be done before Christmas decorations get put up.

I am so tired today. I would love to just go back to bed for the rest of the day.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

random stuff

Lots of things going on lately...

Saturday night I went to the Celtic woman concert with Nicks mom and dad...omg, it was so freaking AMAZING!!!!!! I have never seen a concert that was so good. So full of energy, and such beautiful voices! The woman that plays the violin was so energetic..she ran and jumped around the stage while playing the whole time...I was in Awe for sure! check them out!

nick took the boys bowling while i was at the concert. they had a great time. they are still talking about it today..I cant wait till i can go and watch them bowl. i miss them being on a league. i enjoyed watching them.

Nick went to a Metallica concert Monday night. He yelled and screamed so much that he lost his voice. tuesday it was just gone, a little scratchy, then yesterday it really hurt him..he was miserable. He missed class last night :( Today seemed a bit better, but he still mostly has to whisper. its a little funny, but i feel bad that it hurts him. He had a good time though. i would like to have gone, but i dont think the loud stuff would agree with me for too long. it never has . not even when i was younger.

This week has gone by pretty fast. the boys are loving boy scouts. Michael didnt join, but the others are really enjoying it. they get excited every Monday, and i think its so good for them to be in it. i remember being in girl scouts, i loved it so much. I am hoping they can do the camping this summer. we will see.

dominic has been sick all week long. It started monday night with a cough. it seemed like just a cold because there was no fever, so he stayed home tuesday and wednesday. then today i was gonna send him to school, and he started crying and saying his chest hurt. i called to doctor, and they got him in this morning. He has bronchitis, and really bad winter allergies. so right now he is on 3 different for allergies that he will be taking for the next 4 months. i have to keep the house free of fur and dust..which will be difficult with the animals, but its for the

this Saturday we are gonna have a date night. Dinner at outback (one of my favorite places). Not sure if we are doing anything else. they have the Holiday parade in kalamazoo, but i dont know what time that is set for. if its early im not sure if i want to get up for then sunday dinner with Nicks family. always love that!

On the 21st i have my first appointment for wedding dress alterations. i am pretty excited about it. it brings us one step closer to the wedding. the closer it gets, the more i cant wait for it! i get to marry my best friend. a man who loves me for who i already am, not who he thinks he can make me into.

the twins are learning how to read...and they are picking up on it so fast..i am so very proud of them. steven can sound things out really well, and dominic is doing small words. reading has been such a struggle for logan, and michael just gets bored with it. steven thinks its pretty cool that all those letters mean he reads signs, and all that stuff when we are out and about!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Veterans Day

Happy Veterans Day to all those past, and current military...I am so proud of all of you..Thank you for keeping us safe. Thank you for putting your lives on the line to protect us. And thank you Military families for being the ones left behind when they head off to serve..I am praying for you all today..

i am especially proud of my veteran :) he is my own personal hero. i love you Nick

Thursday, November 5, 2009

lunch date!

It is so good to be able to say "i have a lunch date with Nick"...I waited so long for life to be like that. to have him home, and not have to say the long goodbyes anymore. he has been home since spring, and already sometimes i forget to appreciate it. I am sorry for that. life sometimes gets in the way, and we get so busy. but i promise to remember every day that my man came home, safe. I have this chance to be with him. we are not thousands of miles away anymore. we can go on a date if we want, or sit and snuggle on the couch. we can lay with each other every night, no more hugging a pillow instead. Now that i have him home, i often forget what it took to get here. the internet dates, the long hours on the phone, the worrying and wondering. I will NEVER forget what it feels like to have him deployed. It sucked. but here we are, where we belong. as a family. i will be eternally greatful for this time, and i will make a point not to take it for granted.

It makes my heart so happy to know that i get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. I wish everyone could be so lucky!

So, im off to get ready for my lunch date with my man!!!! a first for us...i love life :)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Halloween and other things

Last weekend was great...Out party was a success...Lots of people showed up...I drank way too much...Something I havent done in a very long time...I recovered quickly thank goodness...I dont have any pictures of me in my costume, im kinda disappointed...this is the first time i had dressed up since i was a teenager...Our decorations turned out great too...people loved them...Nicks costume was the best

It is definitely fall now...all the leaves around here are off the trees...everything looks so bare...And its getting pretty chilly...I dont mind though...i hate being hot...i like the summer months for all the sunshine, but i just cant ever be outside for long periods of time without feeling sick...

I had an interview last week for a leasing agent, but i havent heard back yet...i am getting so frustrated, and pretty deflated...I need a job, i want a job...I like to work, and im tired of feeling like im not doing anything to contribute :( I dont like feeling this still plugging away at job hunting...I check every site i possibly can most days...and anything i might be slightly qualified for i send out a resume...someone has to hire me right?

Nick is in his 2nd week of his job...he seems to like it ok...not his dream job of course, but he can get that when he graduates most likely...School seems to be going ok for him too...he is getting pretty worn out, but he is doing well with it...

I have an appointment for Logan to see the neurologist...they set it for February...kinda rediculous for it to be so far away...he needs help now...he needs to be able to do well in school...most of the year will be over by the time they find out whats going on with him...i explained the situation, but it didnt seem to matter at all...

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Is it Friday yet?

this week is kind of creeping by. im trying to stay busy, but for some reason im still exhausted from being sick. I guess its just hanging on :(

Nick started his new job Monday. he seems to like it ok. its tiring him pretty bad. he isnt use to being on a schedule. i wake he does, so im waking about an hour earlier then im use to also. no biggie really. this morning i got up and read for a bit before i woke the kids. it felt nice to do that. it is really strange not having him here during the day. Mondays and tuesdays arent so bad. but the rest of the week he is gone from 7am, till 11pm or so..this will be the first day like that for us. not too bad i dont think, but strange, and different..

The boys had no school last Friday because of the flu going around. they were well, so they were glad to have a 3 day weekend. Saturday we woke up to Nick having a flat tire. his brother Al came to help fix it. The lugnuts stripped so that he couldnt get them off without power tools..Then we went to Barns and nobles for a bit, and sams club, then pizza was a good day.

sunday we went to nicks parents house for our weekly sunday dinner. Its always nice being there. i wish my mom and i would get together more often. It is frustrating that she dosnt seem to have the time.

I had an interview as a leasing agent on monday. im not sure how it went. the lady was really nice. and she seemed to like me, but im not sure if she liked my resume, or my answers. she talked and asked alot of questions, then said she had a few more interviews to do, then she would start the process of picking. I hope i hear back from sounds perfect. part time, and the kids would only need a babysitter for a couple hours a week.

the sun is trying to shine today. i am loving it. its about time. there has been alot of rain, which i dont mind, but i was ready for sun too. im gonna take advantage of it, and do some walking.

Saturday is our halloween party! im pretty excited about it. ive never had a custume party before, even when i was younger i dont remember having one. the kids will be with their dad this weekend. im not sure if i get to go trick or treating with them, or if he is taking them out of town to do it. either way, i know they will have fun.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

a few updates

Logan seen the doctor last Friday. Seems the doctor is worried too, so they are gonna contact the Neurologist in Kalamazoo again and set up an appointment for him. They dont really know what is wrong with him. So we start the process again. I am anxious to find out what is going on.

Last weekend as Al and Cyndi's wedding. It was an amazing night to witness! The men looked so handsome, and Cyndi looked amazing! They are a beautiful couple, and this picture says it all!
Dominic is sick, and now im getting it too. Headache, stomach cramps, body aches, sore throat and fever. I took him to the doctor today, and they tested him for H1N1, and strep. Both tests came back negative, thank goodness. But the doctor also said its not 100%, so now i have to keep him somewhat isolated. I havent felt this bad in about 2 years. Mostly I am just tired. I hope it dosnt last too long. I have a family to take care of.

Nick got a job. I am so happy for him. He seems to be pretty excited about it. I think he will like it. At least i hope he will. I am still searching. I havent given up hope yet.

My mom is looking to move out of state again. I didnt figure she would stay here long, im surprised it was this long. She dosnt really like Michigan. I hope she finds the type of place she is looking for. a place to be happy.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Gene the Pumpkin Man

Today we went to get our pumpkins...growing up my mom almost always took me to gene the pumpkin man, and i loved that place...Through the years since i became a mom i often took my boys there also...We had a great time...The experience was great...Gene is great with kids, and he talked to us for a good amount of time...You always leave there feeling as if you might be a part of their family...Thank you Gene and family for giving us such great memories...

It makes me excited for next year...Thank you for showing my family such kindness today...

i am so glad for these memories...Ive always been grateful for them, having Nick home makes them even better :)

Thursday, October 8, 2009

conferences and stuff

We had the boys conferences today. Dominics was great. I really like his teacher. She said he is doing really well. She said he is above average in reading and math. There are some speech issues, but she isnt concerned enough to suggest speech therapy. She said he is really helpful in class.

Steven had a good review. He is doing well with his homework. She loves having him in her class. He is always willing to learn. He needs some help writing his numbers. The goal is to write numbers up to 100 by the end of the year. To be able to recognize and write them. He is in speech therepy and doing well. He has a hard time pronouncing certain sounds. He dosnt read well, but is improving.

Logan...I dont know what to say. The kid cant seem to catch much of a break. He had a seizure almost 2 years ago, and since then things with him just havent been right. He was learning at a decent pace, and now he isnt. You teach him something, and he forgets by the next day. His handwriting is really bad, and he often spells his name wrong. Mentally he is declining. Within the last 2 years his writing and reading abilities have gone back to as if he were a 1st grader. I am calling tomorrow to make him an appointment with his regular doctor, to see if I can schedule him for a referral to a specialist of some kind. I am scared that there is something very seriously wrong with him. His dad tried to make me feel like I was over-reacting, so I started to believe that. now i feel like that was a huge mistake. I feel like i let him down. I am scared for him. I see lots more testing in the future.

Michael is doing as he should. His teachers just love him. He is a joy to have in class, and is always polite. He follows all the rules, and does what he is told to the best of his abilities. They have cut back on his work load a bit because he was getting overwhelmed. He is on a credit/no credit status instead of grading. That is the way special ed works. I think it works out well for him. He has been great this year about bringing home his homework. I am really proud of him for getting as far as he has. I remember how hard it was for him at first. He is such a light in this life.

Nick got 100% on his first test..just had to throw that in there!

Tomorrow we are going to the pumpkin place tomorrow to pick out pumpkins, and have some fun. Saturday we have Logans football game, then coming home to carve our pumpkins, make pizza, and maybe some rootbeer floats or something. Then sunday its off to dinner at Nick's parents.

I signed the boys up for cub scouts on Monday. They will go to meetings every monday night. They are pretty excited. Michael didnt want to join. Logan can start going to the meetings after he is done with football is over for the season.

Al and Cyndi's wedding is only a little over a week away. i am so excited for them!

Monday, October 5, 2009

A personal blog..(reflections of me)

its been a while since i wrote a really personal blog..Ive done venting, bragging, wedding stuff, and updates...but once in a while i feel the need to really throw myself out there..

There are times when i feel so left behind and jealous...and times i feel like i have really failed at things...Im getting better at understanding we cant change our past...its just not possible...But if i had stuck with school i would have a really good job, a decent car, and a life outside of my home...I envy those in school, people who are sticking with it...i am often mad at myself for being bullied into stopping my education...being made to feel that it just wasn't as important as the things others wanted in life...I realize now that just because it wasn't important to them, didnt mean it couldn't be important to me..I want so badly to go back to school...but in order to do that, my default loans have to be paid off...but to do that i need a job, to get a job i need a flexible schedule, and an education...see my dilemma here? my loans are huge, but big enough that i cant even make a dent in them...while others are moving on, im still living with the mistakes i made 10 years ago by not following my instincts to go further with school...and here i sit, not knowing how to make it to turn it around...

i feel like a failure...i need a job so bad...i feel like im failing my children by not being able to get one...its such a frustration...i have a vehicle now...but between mine and Nicks schedule, its just been impossible...they want me to have open availability...and i just cant do that...and no place i apply to is willing to work with my schedule...there are others out there that can do what they want...i have gotten so many replies to my resume's telling me im overqualified...whats that about? im beginning to think its just a nice way for them to say im not what they need...and that just sucks...

I want to feel like i am contributing...financially...i want to be looked at as a strong independant that doesn't need so much help...i want that education i always thought i would have..

I am proud of myself though...i think ive done a damn good job with these the last 4 years i have turned their attitudes around 100%...and when face to face with the woman my ex husband left me for, i smiled instead of beating the crap out of her like i wanted to...I have made a life...I am stronger, and more pushy for the things i believe in then i ever was...I am confident in areas that lacked for a very long time...

I am happy in love...more secure in it then i ever thought possible...and, IM GETTING MARRIED TO MY BESTEST FRIEND...

i try very hard not to get frustrated with my failings, but sometimes its hard...i want to be someone who makes a difference in the future of our world...i want to be someone that people can look up to...

sorry for the typos...i dont feel like changing them :)

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

just blogging

Nick and I are both sick. The kids are passing it around too. I didnt get hardly any sleep last night. dominic kept waking up crying because he just didnt feel good. But when he woke up this morning, he was fine. He went to school. Lots of people are getting sick right now. I hope it dosnt last too long. I dont want to be sick most of the winter.

The fall season has definitely gotten here. It is chilly. I dont mind it except the cold air is making me cough. I love this time of year. I cant wait to see the leaves change. And i am excited to use my camera to catch the colors this year!!! im having way too much fun with it already!

I am also excited because we are getting closer to the holidays. this will be the first time Nick and I get to spend them all together. That is such a wonderful feeling. No Hawaii, no Iraq! Just us as a family. It will make these upcoming holidays even better. No goodbyes so close to Christmas!

Logan is suppose to be at football practice tonight. But with me being sick, and some of the others being sick, i just cant walk there to take him. I had borrowed a van, but the battery keeps dying, so right now I am stuck without a vehicle again. I feel bad for him having to miss practice. I feel like I am letting him down.

So there is a job opening at Subway. I want to apply, but i keep telling myself not to. I want a job, and im willing to take just about anything. Bt im not sure i could do that one. its not that i dont think i would like it. But i just dont know. i guess maybe pride is stopping me a little. I am still putting in 2-4 resumes a day. I have gotten alot of denials. It is very frustrating. i know the right one has to come along soon. It just has to.

So this last week was pretty scary. My grandma went in on Wednesday to have her surgery for her cancer. She came through it ok, or so we thought. About 1am Wednesday morning her bloodpressure started to drop, and they couldnt keep it up. She ended up having 2 blood transfusions, and that didnt help. they transfered her to the ICU for a couple of days. Finally it started to steady. i was pretty scared for a couple of days. I dont know how i would handle her passing. She has always been my 2nd parent. It wouldnt be like losing a grandparent, it would be more like losing a dad or something. she is home now, and healing. I just hope it stays that way.

Nick has his first test tonight at ITT Tech. I think he will do great on it. I am so proud of him.

I have all the boys Halloween costumes...we took them to pick them out on Saturday. It is all they can talk about are excited already. We are having a Halloween party this year. Its a costume party. it will be fun

Friday, September 25, 2009

My grandma had her surgery yesterday...the surgery went well...they got most of the tumors, and the rest they are confident the chemo will take care of...she was suppose to go home today, but is too anemic so she ended up having a blood hopefully tomorrow she will be able to go home...

Logan has another game tomorrow morning in South Haven...he is pretty excited about it..I am too...i am really proud of him for sticking with it...the amount of homework he has lately is insane! it takes him all night to do it...sometimes it feels like he has no play time lately..

the other boys are doing good...Michael hardly ever has homework...dominic has some once in a while...steven once a week...

Nick has been getting most of his work done during lab time at school...

tomorow we are gonna go looking at halloween stuff...we are having a party this first halloween party! i have part of my costume will be the first time i dressed up since i was a teen...we are gonna look at costumes for the kids too...not sure what else we are doing..

i didnt really have much to say i guess...i thought there was more

Monday, September 21, 2009

emotional mess

I dont know why, but i am an emotional mess today...its probably a good thing Nick is with his dad for the day...i feel like there is so much going on right now, and maybe i just needed a day to let it all out...i feel like ive cried all day :(

a friend of mine told me its the time of year, and i think i have to agree..but today is just bad...

My grandma has surgery for her cancer on trying very hard to be ok with it, but i guess im not as ok with it as i thought...every once in a while that hard shell of an exterior i have put up gets little cracks in it, and it all comes out...i dont have a good feeling about this surgery...i dont know why, i just dont..So Thursday i will be spending the day at the hospital with my mom...i want to make sure i get to see her when she come out of it..i have to see with my own eyes that she is ok...

i feel like i have recently been deceived...not by Nick, but by someone doesn't make sense to me, but whatever...there is nothing i can do about it but be nice...if i don't, i will come out looking like an insecure, i will keep my mouth shut till it just fades use to one else sees anything wrong with it, so why should i right?

trust is a huge issue for me at this point in my life....but i have valid reasons...nothing i will get into on here, because its really nobody's business but my own, and whoever i chose to confide in...but it is valid, and i dont really care if anyone else agrees with me...especially when it comes to a mans point of view...they normally stick together on that subject..why cant people just be would save a whole lot of trouble in the end...i would rather know the truth in the beginning then find out a lie later, and feel as though i have been hurt twice as much..why dont people get that?

things really are going emotions are just crap lately...

I am still job hunting...been sending out resumes like crazy...most people dont want to hire me, because i cant work most nights...sooner or later i will find the perfect job...i know its out there, it has to be...

no more planning has really been done on the wedding...i have to start making a list of people for invites, so i can start pricing out invitations, and things like that...we have alot done already...we have accomplished alot...i cant say "im not scared"...i am...not of getting married to Nick, but of being a failure again...

Nick and i haven't been able to spend much time together lately..with school, and kids sports, and lots of other things, we just barely see each other...i cant wait till things slow down a bit..i need some time with him..Last weekend he went to a "bachelor" party for his brother...i put parentheses around that because in my eyes it wasn't much of a bachelor party with females there too...but that's another subject im not getting, it was a party...he had a good time, and im glad for sure he needed some time away from life...we all do sure certain people will think less of me after posting that part..but i don't care tired of people thinking they can walk all over me and get away with it..

to a few others, i don't need an internet babysitter...really i don't...i can handle myself quite well...and i don't need people who read my stuff, to go crying to others about my life...its my life...i choose to live it how i see fit...if you want to know what i write, or whats on my profiles, ask...don't spy...that makes me unhappy...very....oh, and yes, i am a Pagan....stop saying the word like its something dirty coming out of your mouth...and every time you hear that i am a pagan, stop acting surprised...its not a surprise every time you hear it, and its not a dirty thing...i don't worship anything fact, i worship something that is pure goodness, thank you very just stop, because its getting on my don't see me trying to convert just leave it be...i am at a good and peaceful place with my spirituality, whether anyone else likes it or not...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

music in my soul

im sitting here tonight...alone..Nick is with his brothers, so im forced to entertain myself...not so bad really...there was a Bob Seger tribute band playing in town tonight, and i could hear it from my front is memories to me...i love it..all kinds...but music from Seger, and the eagles takes me back to my family is full of the hippie types, and we use to have bon fires, and spend a good amount of time together...what i remember most is the bonfires, and parties where this genre of music was played...listening to it tonight brings tears to my reminds me of my uncle Dan mostly..he has been gone for 3 years now...He was my favorite..a wild child or sorts...didnt care what others thought...a little bit crazy...and alot loveable...he was well known in Lawton as "animal"...

i know i just did a blog like this one, but for some reason lately, im really feeling the lose of the ones who have passed in the last 3 years...there have been alot...people i was very close to....some very important things are about to happen in my life, and they wont be here for makes me sad...but mostly i think im sad for the way some parts of my family have become...i know they had their fights, but i want us to be close...its important to me...i just dont know where to begin to find that again...

im emotional tonight anyway, im dealing with a fear, and that never sits well with me

Friday, September 18, 2009

logans first game is coming up!

Logans first game is tomorrow, and i am so excited!!! he is too...lots of people will be there to watch him for his first game, and i am very glad for that...its really important to him...he is really proud of himself! i will take lots of pictures..

logan football

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

my morning cup

When my great grandmother died, they had the sad task of sorting through her things...i received a framed picture of my mom and dad, and a picture of me as a baby...

then, my family gave me a coffee cup that had been hers..on the cup it says worlds greatest mom...every time i drink out of that cup, i think of her...i think of how she was the pillar of this family...the glue that held it all together...she was a strong little lady...i miss her...but im so glad to be able to have something that i can use every day, that makes me think of her...

coffee Pictures, Images and Photos

Monday, September 14, 2009

crazy busy

things have been so busy lately...the kids are loving school....logan is loving football...he looks so darn cute in his uniform...he just got the rest of it today, and i didnt have my camera with me at practice, so wednesday i will take a picture to post..all those pads make him look so tiny..there are some kids on the team that are so much bigger then him!

nicks dad and neice were in a motorcycle accident almost 2 weeks ago...his dad has lots of healing to do, but will be ok..his neice was able to leave the hospital that day with only some miner issues...headache and body so greatful that it wasnt more serious...i absolutely love his family, and i cant even think about anything worse happening :(

nick seems to like his classes...he has to drive all the way up to grand rapids 3 nights a week, but he does ok with it...

My grandma goes in for surgery soon for her cancer..the hoping everything turns out ok...

i should be getting a van soon...this is a very good thing! we need a 2nd vehicle...something a bit bigger...

im sad to hear that Patrick Swayze has passed away...he was one of my favorites..

im terrible at keeping touch with people lately...its not that im not thinking of you, things are just so crazy right now...ive been putting in about 10 resumes a week, sometimes more...for a while i wasnt getting any i keep getting told that im overqualified...i dont care, i just want a dang job! im tired of not having money in savings for an emergency...the holidays are fast approaching, and im pretty sure its gonna be another rough holiday...better that nick is home, but financially rough...but its ok, im greatful for what we can do is good..

a friend of mine lost his wife makes you really take a look at the things and people you have in your life...remember to give them that extra kiss, and hug...dont forget to tell them you love them...its one of the most important things...

I love you :) thats all

wedding blog 9/14/09

This is where we are getting married...kindelberger park...i cant wait, im so excited!!!! we came upon it by chance! its lets hope for perfect weather!
we changed the date to June 26th, because the 19th just wasnt working out for us...but its ok...we also picked out my ring and put it on not posting it will just have to wait till the wedding :)

we rented out the moose lodge for the reception...its a big place, and it will give us space to move has a great dancefloor, and a space for the DJ...we still havent picked out a dj, or photographer..its all coming together, and it is so wonderful...i get to marry my best friend..

i have my next fitting in November....

Friday, August 28, 2009

Almost the end of summer

The end of summer is getting closer...i am not sure with this weather we really had much of one weather is crazy..right now its about 66 degrees, and has been a cold summer...cooler then normal anyway...i dont think i ever remember a summer being so chilly...we have only had a few hot days...we only got to swim a few times...i wonder is this is warning of a harsh, cold winter...i have a feeling this year we will have an abnormally cold winter...

This is the last week that the boys go to their dads this summer...I am glad for things to get back to normal...I miss them, and i dont like for them to be gone so fact i cant stand least during the school year they are only there every other weekend...

Logan has decided to play football this year...i am excited for him! i think he will be great at sports...he was a little scared about the idea of it at first, but then he got excited about it...we sign him up for that in the 3rd..

the boys have their open house next week, and we find out who their teachers are...find their classrooms, and all that good stuff...i still need to get the boys haircuts and shoes..I got them backpacks about a month ago when they were on sale...they still need some school clothes also...but i think that part is just gonna have to wait...i cant afford to do it all at once...

Nick starts classes the same day as the boys..i have to admit, im kinda jealous..i want to go back to school so bad...but previous school loans make that impossible at this point..but im happy for him..

i have put in so many applications, and so many resumes, and i am getting so discouraged...the only callbacks i have gotten are from jobs i cant really take, or arent realistic for our schedules...i have to have a job..i cant do this almost feels impossible to find a job...i just want to work...

The twins birthday was yesterday...i cant believe my babies are 7 already..i didnt get to spend the day with them...but at least they got to be with their sure they were excited about that..

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

the family

We had some pictures done shortly after Nick came home...I think they turned out great!

Monday, July 27, 2009

things around here

We have 1 more month of summer break, and the boys are getting soooooo bored! im trying to think of some things that will keep them busy...i have a few projects i want them to do...i thought i would have the chance to make them study this summer, but it seems like that is lost :( my intentions were good...I had Logan read to me the other day while i was folding laundry, and he did alot better then he was doing at the end of the school year...I am nervous for him to start the next grade...Hopefully they can get him some extra help...

I have taken up an old hobby again...i started making necklaces...My cousin Jen got me back into it...i havent done anything too complicated yet, but im getting ready to start a 4 strand necklace...i would love to take a class on it...i think it would be fun...or at least have some friends that are into the same thing...

speaking of friends....I havent seen any of mine in a long time...havent even heard from them...i dont know what is going on with that...sometimes i just get tired of trying...especially when it seems there is only one way communication...friendship is a 2 way street...

My grandma had her 2nd round of Chemo last hit her harder this time then last time...the first round she took pretty worried about her...i cant stop thinking about it...this is a woman who rarely gets sick...a woman who has been my 2nd not use to her being sick...i try to keep my mind off the fact that it might not work...a life without her in it is just not right...

I am working through some emotions right now...on several things, but mainly one...there are some feelings i havent do you get past something that came from the person you trust most in this do you get trust back? i know it takes time, but i hurt...i dont want to hurt anymore...i want this to be a really happy time...i never thought i would have to deal with something like this from that person...

We havent done any recent wedding planning...Money is just too tight, and with the kids home so much, its just impossible...of course, i would be happy getting married in the back then no one would get to see my pretty dress my mom bought me...we have the dress, and a few small things already...

first before we spend money on wedding, i have to find a way to transport my children more safely then we do van is dead...its going to cost too much to fix it, and im not putting that kind of money into something that will die again in 2 all we have is Nicks car...a compact car...its great on gas, and wonderful to drive...its just not big enough...and makes for a stressful drive cuz the kids are always whining about space...not fun at somehow i have to come up with a vehicle...

I am waiting to hear about a job...its an office manager job...something that i think would be perfect for scared though...its been a while since i have been out there working for someone else...its an overwhelming feeling

Nick and the boys all start school around the same time...its gonna be strange...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

hi there

we have been so freakin busy lately!! between birthdays, dental visits, college visits, and family stuff, we have been gone most of the time...

so a little update...

Nick is enrolled in ITT Tech...he starts in September...i think it is the right the long run it will be better..

we have both been job hunting..mostly online, but both of us have uploaded resumes to many different sites...and i have been searching the Michigan works sight...i sent out my resume to several different companies...

My Uncle Fred is in town with my cousin Jennifer and her daughter has been so great spending time with never realize how much you miss somone till they come back to visit...ive been having a wonderful time with them...i dont want them to leave :(

the 4th of july we spend with Nicks was alot of fun...spent by the pool just hanging out...then we walked to the fireworks....

the 5th we went to my moms house...we had a family reunion...omg, there were so many people there...people i hadnt seen in a was great to catch up with was a great turnout!

My grandma's chemotherapy has started...she seems to be taking it well so far...her stomach has been a little upset, but other then that she seems to be doing well...

Logan has had some detal work done...he had one silver cap, and 3 white fillings...i dont understand why his teeth are so bad..i blame week he is having a tooth pulled...i hope they give him some good drugs so he isnt in pain...

this week hasnt been as busy as last week...its been nice having some down time...i needed it...i have been doing laundry for 3 days seriously tired of laundry..and im still not done..

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Feels like its been forever..

My blog is majorly slacking! ive been trying to find the time to get on here and update, but i always seem to forget...

things have been going ok...It is so great having Nick home for good...i think it is finally sinking in that he dosnt have to leave again...

The kids are at their dads this week...we are doing the every other week thing...i hate it...i dont like them being gone that much..but it looks like i have no sure its good for me to have a break...but most of the time it dosnt feel good for me at all! i just miss them..

I took logan to the dentist last week..he ended up with 2 fillings, and has to go back next week to get one pulled..i feel bad for him, i had such great teeth when i was little, and his are sooo bad..

The boys are loving summer...they love that they dont have to be on so much of a schedule, and i have been more flexible about bed times and learning to let go a little more..

Nick got me a camera for my bday! its so awesome! ive probably taken about 300-400 pictures since June learning how to use it..its been fun...there are alot of picture up on myspace...i will post some here when i get a chance...

Nick and i are doing well...we havent done much about the wedding planning, but we are getting to that...we have looked into some venues, but it really hasnt gone much further then that..we have to make some money first..

nick is looking into attending ITT Tech....i think its a good idea for him..ive been looking for a job, but now that summer is here i have slacked on it a bit..i dont have a vehicle anyway..all we have is Nicks car...I am still hoping to get a job at the school in the fall..

well im off to get some things done, i know i had more to say, but as soon as i sat down here to type it, i forgot!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

June 10, 1009

Today feels like Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick is no longer in the Army...this was officially his last day!!!!!!!!!!! its so exciting...i am relieved...

Thursday, May 28, 2009

9 days

Its been 9 days since i last blogged...

Things are going ok...I am dealing with some stuff, but part of it just cant be talked about here...emotionally im just spent...

Good news to start things out...Nick has been home for a week now..Things are great...we have just been enjoying our time together as a family...i know i dont have to send him back, but sometimes it seems as if i need to cram a bunch of stuff into his just hasnt completely hit me yet that he is home for more army, no more its time for us...i wonder when that will sink in?

The boys are so happy to have him home...they cant seem to get enough of him..

Last sunday we had his family was really great...i love his family...they are so wonderful and accepting...we had a blast...the boys got to play outside all day, it was perfect weather for it...nice and sunny in fact i got a sunburn that still hurts in some spots...after the reunion we went to his aunt and uncles farm, and spent the evening out stuff!!

yesterday we went and did some shopping around...we looked at tuxes and invitations...just to see what we needed to plan for...

today we went to his parents house for dinner...thats always nice...i enjoy being there..

So onto some stuff that isnt so fun...I talked to my mom seems my grandma has stage 4 cancer...not sure what they are gonna do about it we will see what more they have to say...i dont really know yet how to handle it emotionally, but at least i have Nick here...that helps

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A little update

fingers crossed Pictures, Images and Photos
This is me keeping my fingers crossed that there will be no more delay..At this point we are expecting Nick to leave Hawaii Wednesday night...This will bring him into town on Thursday night..I am trying hard to be excited, but im afraid once i do, his homecoming will be delayed again...

I cant wait to have him home..I am an emotional mess, on a rollercoaster of every emotion you can imagine...its been up and down for weeks now..i need for this to be done...

so hopefully we will get him home Thursday..

Sunday, May 17, 2009

engagement entry #1

... Pictures, Images and Photos

As i said in a previous blog i am seperating my blog a bit..i didnt want to start a whole new one, that is just too confusing...

At the end of last week my dress came in..yes i know its a year early, but we need to start early, for peace of mind and for ease on the bank account..My mom bought my dress...I was surprised...we had originally planned to split the cost..well her words were "i will help you with the cost" she swears up and down she didnt say, silly girl! im so grateful to her for doing it...

So yesterday was a great day..My mom, grandma, and Nicks mom all went to David's Bridal, and i tried on my dress, took some pictures, and hung out..i cant show pics of my dress, Nick might see! but i can show you pics of us at the shop..after going there, we all went to breakfast, and did some shopping...and we scoped out wedding is so great that the two families seem to get long..i love here is a picture of me and the girls!

Friday, May 15, 2009

delay delay delay

All week long we have been thinking Nick was gonna be here, and every time we got our hopes up, he was delayed again..because of one paper that someone couldn't get right....Am i whining? yeah, i am...ive been doing it all week...what is suppose to be a really exciting time is turning out to be very stressful..i know im not making it any better for him by being irritated...but im not irritated with him, im irritated with the situation..

so as of now, he is scheduled to be home Thursday, we will is my hope that he will..he has a family reunion, and its Memorial day weekend...he just needs to be here..The boys need him home as much as i do...they have been crazy emotional cuz nicks homecoming has come and gone, and no nick...

really have no updates besides that...its been a pretty boring

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mothers Day

Today was really nice..the boys let me lay in bed till 9...well, kinda, i told them to quiet went to Maple Island for a picnic, and let them play for about 5 hours..Mark and Bambi came with, it was a really nice day....Kinda chilly, but not too bad really...I didnt get anything of course, the boys are too young to do that, but its ok, im use to got lots of pictures on my myspace can check them out there..

a picture of Mark, Bambi, and kids

and here is all those precious little monsters! i mean angels

the day was a great one, would have been better if Nick had been home, but soon..i dont know yet what day he will be able to leave..but very soon!!

Saturday, May 9, 2009


Thursday, May 7, 2009

looking back

Its really hard to believe that this part of our journey is almost over...we have done this long distance thing for almost 3 years now, and its almost time to start down a new road...There was never a time i wondered if it would be better if we parted ways...Not once we actually got together...The road to get to that was a little bumpy...but we both held man, my best friend, has been so far from me for so long...this part of our lives is ending, and will be just a memory...I have so much respect for what he does, and who he is...The job he did was a hard one...a job i wouldn't honestly wish on most has its price to pay..its own burdens to carry..

I am so proud of my soldier boy...i can call him that one last time, because as of tomorrow he will be a civilian! This is a time in our lives filled with so much emotion, i cant even really begin do describe it...a part of me will miss it, but most of me is really really relieved to just have him home with us, where he belongs...No more long goodbyes...

as this part of our lives comes to an end, so many of you are just beginning...all i can say really is have faith, and be can do will do this..and you will come out stronger on the other side...this experience has changed has shown me patience i never knew i had...with my love so far away, i knew i had to be...people are gonna tell you its not worth it, move on, find someone who can give you their time...but im telling you, hold on to what you have, because a soldiers heart is like gold...priceless...

i would not have changed things, because in changing things, it would have made our relationship different...and we have a bond i wouldn't wish to ever change..

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

just some things

well we arent sure if Nick will be able to come home in 7 days or not...some paperwork is not completely done, and so that may delay his not happy about it, but what can you do? we have waited this long, whats a couple extra days...its just irritating is all..not really an inconvenience...just more waiting possibly..i want him home...end of that story..

so yesterday i was in such a bad mood...i feel sorry for anyone that might have crossed my path...i am not sure why i was so moody..i was fine when i got up, and dropped the kids at school...i went grocery shopping, and bam, the bad mood hit...its like it just slammed into me..i made a real effort to change my attitude, but it was stayed with me all day little thing after another just made it worse...but its funny, i look back at yesterday, and really there wasnt anything major.

I havent made up my mind what i am doing for mothers day yet...Its my weekend with the boys...i think i might try to plan a picnic at a local park or something...i dont know...I really want to do something like take the boys to a movie or something, but i cant this year :( I dont know yet what the weather is suppose to be like...but i guess a nice day at the park will be good...Last year was rainy and gloomy...

The last couple of weeks have been pretty rough on me...I am exhausted, and emotionally wore out...i dont know why...things are actually going pretty well...the only thing i can think of is that i miss Nick so much time as we have spent apart you would think i would be use to it, but this time around is really hard...i am anxious for him to come home...i just want for us to be able to finally start this life together..

so have i told my readers how much i hate being lied to? or how much i hate when someone tries to "pull the wool over my eyes"...when you ask someone a question and they dodge it, and think i dont notice pisses me off the not stupid...what is the hardest is i know the truth, and im so disappointed that people dont trust me enough to be honest with me...even if its something that will not a child...and it will come out eventually...seriously, being treated like that hurts me more then most other things...especially when its someone so close to me..

So i have been told that my ex is badmouthing me...i hope it makes him feel like a better man, because i just dont care anymore...go ahead and spread the lies...they will eat away at your soul like leaches sucking the life out of you...and sooner or later, they will catch up to you...have fun with that.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

my grandma

my grandma is having a biopsy today...if you read this keep her in your thoughts...they are thinking, light some candles, say some prayers...i need for her to be ok

Sunday, May 3, 2009

10 days

This weekend went by pretty fast..Friday i had the kids even though it wasn't my weekend. Their dad came to pick them up on Saturday afternoon. After they left i went into Kalamazoo and put in some more applications, then met up with my mom for dinner, and talked wedding. It was nice to get out of the house. I haven't really done that since Nick left.

Today i am doing absolutely nothing. I should be doing something, but i haven't gotten any sleep this weekend, and i am exhausted. Friday night i couldn't sleep, and last night I talked to Nick all night long. It was good to finally get some phone time with him. he has been so busy, and we have barely had time to catch up. So being tired is ok, cuz i got time with him.

10 more days till he comes home. These last couple weeks have just gone way too slow. I don't want him to be gone anymore. I need him here with me. It is time for us.

so i don't have anything really intelligent to say, i guess i will leave it at

Friday, May 1, 2009

A Beltane Prayer

Have a Blessed Beltane

by Patti Wigington

Bless, O threefold true and bountiful,
Myself, my spouse, my children.
Bless everything within my dwelling and in my possession,
Bless the kine and crops, the flocks and corn,
From Samhain Eve to Beltane Eve,
With goodly progress and gentle blessing,
From sea to sea, and every river mouth,
From wave to wave, and base of waterfall.

Be the Maiden, Mother, and Crone,
Taking possession of all to me belonging.
Be the Horned God, the Wild Spirit of the Forest,
Protecting me in truth and honor.
Satisfy my soul and shield my loved ones,
Blessing every thing and every one,
All my land and my surroundings.
Great gods who create and bring life to all, I ask for your blessings on this day of fire.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

exactly 2 weeks

till Nick comes home for good! I am getting so excited! I cant believe the time has finally come for us not to be apart anymore..we did it! we made it! now we can move on! woohooo!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Oh my storms!

This weekend was interesting. At least weather wise. Up until Friday, i thought that the weekend was going to be warm and sunny. I had made plans to take the boys on a picnic and everything. We never even left the house except to go to the gas station today. Friday was beautiful, and hot! it was great..

Saturday morning we woke to beautiful sunshine, and warm weather. by 11am, we had downpours. it cleared up for an hour, then downpour the rest of the day. In all i think we had 7 storms in one day! it was amazing, but sooo gloomy...I do love a good storm.

Part of one of our branches came down on Saturday morning. Part of it is still hanging up there, so i can let the kids play under the tree at all. I am gonna have to figure out how to get that down.

They boys watched movies most of Saturday. Normally i dont let them sit in front of the tv all day, but it was so nasty out. Today i got the paints out, and let them paint a bunch. They had fun with it.

i havent heard back from the bank i applied to yet :( i really want this job. I really want just about any job at this point.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

glad its almost bedtime

Last night i was awake until about 3 am. So i got about 3.5 hours of sleep, if even that. I woke before the alarm went off. I should have gone to bed early tonight, i had every intention of doing that. I don't know why, but my mind just wouldn't shut down last night.

So, im glad today is done with. First because its another day closer to Nick coming home, second because it was just a crappy day. Well the weather was nice, but other then that, i just couldn't function. I have had pretty limited communication with Nick. He has been really busy, and by the time he gets off work, its after 11pm here.

I missed him so much today. There are those days where i just dont even want to function. I dont like him being so far from me. There is something missing when he is not near. I feel so weak complianing about 3 weeks of him being gone. Especially with what we already have behind us. We have been apart so much, now i just want him home. I know its soon, but today was just emotional for me. I am trying to stay strong, but at this point I'm not sure i have that left in me.

Tonight I took the kids out to eat, i just didnt have the energy to cook. I started to get stuff around to make dinner, and i was instantly tired. When we came home from dinner, the bird cage was tipped over, and there was no bird. Finally she came out of hiding, and after getting her cage put back together, she eventually flew back into it. took a while though. Then i walked into the kitchen to put some fresh water in her dish, and there were little tiny black ants all over one of the windows. Really if its not one thing its another in this house.

so, after all that, im sitting my happy ass on the couch feeling sorry for myself...its ok though, i am allowed to do it once in a

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Well its been 5 whole days since Nick went back to Hawaii...Its been hard...I dont think it gets any easier as time goes by...i know its only for a couple of weeks, but it sucks...I want him here with me...I dont like sleeping alone, i dont like waking up alone...My  best friend is so far away, and its just no fun anymore (not that it ever really was)...I miss him...i miss experiencing life with him...i hope the next couple of weeks fly by fast...

Things are going ok...The weather finally cleared up today, after several days of yuckiness...I dont mind the rain, but it was so cold along with it...I just needed to see some sunshine...The next couple of days its suppose to be beautiful...I am looking foreward to that...I am thinking of taking the boys for a picnic this weekend...we will see...ive been trying to get people to go with me, but so far its been a no go for everyone...people are busy with i think i will just take the boys to the park here in town...its cheaper that way anyway...

I put in an application for a teller position at a bank today...sent in my application, and resume...i hope i get it...send some good thoughts my way about it...I need a job, im tired of being broke, i need one close because at this point i have no vehicle of my own...this job would be perfect for me...great hours too...i would only have to find someone to watch the boys 4 hours a week...the rest of the time they would be at school..Not sure what i would do about the summer though...thats my biggest concern...i wouldnt make enough to pay for daycare for all 4 of them...but i want this job, i would just have to work it out...somehow....

so about not having a vehicle...the van pretty much died for good while Nick was home...not sure if i blogged about that or not...tonight im too lazy to go back and read the old ones...Nick helped me get it fixed, and bought a new battery for it, and that didnt take care of the problem...come to find out, its some part in the computer...well, as old as the van is, and as many miles thats on it, its just not worth many things are going wrong on it...its frustrating knowing that i dont have a car...especially seems how i have 4, im hoping to really save a bunch over the summer, so that i can save up for one...My van really isnt mine could be taken from me at any time...

so i am going to separate this blog a little more...i want to start journaling about our experience of being engaged, and the wedding planning, so i am going to do separate entries about that when the time comes...just to let you know ahead of time...I am keeping only one blog, but i may have more entries because of that...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


testing this from my email

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.... You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I give my self reasons why I CAN. at times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person."

Friday, April 17, 2009

We Are


yep, thats right folks! He asked me yesterday was the greatest feeling ever..and yes, i cried...happy tears of course!

we were just hanging out in our jammies, and he went upstairs..well i decided to start some laundry, and when i came out of the laundry room he told me to sit down...haha, i told him i cant, i have things to do...he said just sit, so i did, and he said that it wasnt fancy, but that he thought it was the perfect moment, us in our pajamas, at home where we belong, and then he opened a box, and said will you spend the rest of your life with was just the was the perfect way!

so now, im a fiancee...woohoo!


I will have to do this in 2 posts...cuz i have good news, and i dont want to mix it in with

About 2 hours ago i dropped Nick off at the airport for him to go back to Hawaii...good news is, its only for 3-4 weeks...we are on the last stretch of being long distance! we made it...its a relief...especially with so many people fighting us on being together...well, poo on you

we had a great time these last few weeks...they went by so fast...

we had a cook out 2 weeks was a great sucess...lots of people showed up..mostly family...Not a whole lot of friends...but its ok, family are friends too...we had lots of yummy food, and fun...Music was blaring, darts were played....a good time had by mom made some wonderful brownies...omg, i had a hard time not eating them all! and she made her homemade mac and is one of my all time favorites!

Last friday we went to a hockey game, the boys had a blast..i have some pictures of that too...It was a surprise for the boys...they didnt even know where we were going till we pulled in the parking lot of the hockey stadium...the twins got a little bored, they didnt really understand it, but Logan and Michael had so much fun...Logan was yelling and clapping at all the right times...he was really able to follow it well...

Easter was a good day...Nick and i make up some baskets for the boys, and then hit some candy filled plastic eggs around the house...they had a good time finding them all...Then Denny took them for the afternoon to go to his moms house...they came back exhausted but happy...they had woken up at 7:30, so i knew they would be tired...

This last week we didnt to too much..Nick went to his buddies house for a while and hung out there...he did that a few weeks ago too...and when he came home he had flowers in hand...i just love the way he thinks of me when he isnt here...its great! The flowers are pretty...a random assortment of spring colors...

So today im just getting stuff done that was neglected the last few days...i have tons of laundry to do, and its probably time to get the kids sheets and blankets thats what im doing this weekend...I am going to have breakfast with my mom on Sunday will get me out of the house for a bit...other then that, i dont plan on going anywhere else...

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Blogging Slacker

Whoa its been a while since i updated...Not a long time, but longer then usual i guess...

Nick has been home for almost 2 weeks already...Things are going good...Very laid back...Its nice to have time with him like that...He has about 2 more weeks, then has to go back to Hawaii for 3 weeks, then home for good! I am not looking foreward to being apart from him for 3 more weeks, but its for a good cause, so I am not dwelling on it either!..

We have spent alot of time just being home, and its been so great...We have gone to his parents house for dinner a few times...Thats always a pleasure...I love that his family gets together like that...A Sunday dinner can consist of around 17 people eating around a table...Its something that has taken some getting use to, and i often get a little overwhelmed by it still...I come from a family where i was an only child, and we only got together a few times a year, if even that...So being in a big group of people every Sunday can sometimes feel crowded, but im loving it...Everyone is so welcoming, and fun to be around...I definitely wouldnt change it...

We were on a hunt for a new radio for his car, but gave up...Every time we would go somewhere, we would hit a dead end...So yesterday he bought himself a recliner instead :) He has to go pick it up in a few hours...Its really nice...Brown leather, soft, comfy...You kind of just sink into it...i cant wait to snuggle up in it with a soft blanket, and a good book! Sounds like a grand idea!

Tonight the our parental units are coming for dinner...ive been busting butt on this house trying to get it all straightened up so that it looks seems to be a never ending battle for thats what happens when there are 6 people in our little home...He is attempting to smoke a pork roast on the grill...oh yeah, he got a grill...he is pretty excited about it...and its been so long since there has been grilled food in this house...its just so yummy! and he is doing a great job at it...It takes some of the pressure off of me to cook...

Saturday we are having a cookout...the house is gonna be soooo full of people...Im looking foreward to that...I havent had a party since before he left for Iraq...It will be nice to have people here...

The boys have really enjoyed having him home...They are excited to come home after school every day to see him here...even more excited to know that he wont be gone for long next time...then he dosnt have to be gone again...

I dont have alot of pictures...i wish i had been taking more, but i will get some taken...

My van died again...after putting a new alternator in it, and a new battery, it still isnt staying charged...It left us stranded yet again...i just dont know what to do about it...its a major stressor for me...but i will figure something out...

well thats it for now...i know i am totally forgetting a bunch, but i have to go finish cleaning, and getting ready for our dinner and hugs

Thursday, March 19, 2009

sick kids, and coming home

these last 2 weeks have been so more ways then i can count...its insane...between sick kids, my insecurities, sick mom, and the house, im about to lose my mind...

the kids have been passing around some virus that just wont go started about 3 weeks ago with Steven...then michael got the stomach flu...then dominic came home sick from his dads, and he is still fighting it off...Logan has gotten ita little but hasnt missed any school..then Friday i started coughing...ive been sick since then...Michael caught it, and now steven...its been miserable...

Ive been working like a madwoman on the house..well till i got sick anyway, now it looks as though i havent done anything in here for months...i wanted it to be perfect for Nick, and its just not gonna be...i have resolved myself to that much...

Nick...He comes home tomorrow...i get to pick him up at the airport on Friday so relieved to have him coming home...i need to be able to put my arms around make the world disappear even if only for a minute...i cant wait to see him walk off that plane, and come towards me...its a joy that i cant explain at matter how hard i try...The boys get to go with me this time...they have never been able to go with me to pick him up, only to drop him off...They are so excited about it...and Nick is too...He will get to see all of us, right away...

So this homecoming is the next to last one we have to do...he will be here for a month...So far we dont have any plans but to just ok with that...after the month is up, he goes back to hawaii for a month, then is home for good...i cant tell you how excited i am about! its finally time to be a family...its what we have been working towards...

we already have a date for Saturday!!! actual date...haha, not sure i remember what a date i might not be able to update for a while, depending on how busy we are...but i will be back with pictures, and stories of our lives soon enough...

Thursday, March 12, 2009

not too much to say..

thats about right...i dont have alot of new things to talk about i dont think...haha, and watch this one be a long one..

dominic has been sick the last 3-4 days...but was able to go back to started as a fever and nothing else, and now he is coughing and sneezing...gotta love the constantly changing weather this time of year...the boys always get sick around this time...this time it dosnt seem to be lasting long...

Stevens stitches are out, and you can barely see where it was...The doctor said the more it heals the more noticeable the scar will be..but that if i keep sunscreen on it in the summer it will not show as much when he is older...but it is healing well...thank goodness it wasnt worse..

Logan has been a little smarta$$ lately...I am not sure whats going on with that...i think its just an age thing...but i know i didnt raise him to be like that, so he is getting ready to be grounded alot if he dosnt stop...

Michael has been keeping to himself alot lately...i think he is just tired of being couped up in the house with the other boys..he really wishes he had a room of his own...and i wish he did too...he needs it, so he can have alone helps him alot...

The boys and I are getting very excited...8 days till Nick leaves to come home! 9 till he gets here...I need to see him so that the deployment is over, i just need to wrap my arms around him...I didnt get to see him when he got back, and now i just need to...The boys are counting down with far we dont have alot planned while he is here...just family and time together...sounds like a great plan to me..

I am trying very hard to get things organized...part of the reason i havent really posted much lately...I am falling behind on reading friends blogs also...i will catch up soon hopefully...organizing this house feels like a losing battle...i was never good at it, and im not different now...i try very hard, but it just dosnt work for me...i start and i get disappointed...and discouraged..

ok, well as i was typing this the school called for me to go pick up, he is sick again :( or still i guess...that means i will take him to the doctor after i pick the other boys up from school..whatever it is that he has sure is hanging on...ggrrrr!

I dont have the same phone number i had before...i got tired of being cussed out over text messaging, and people thinking they could treat me like, im taking a stand...really, those who think they can take advantage of my niceness...back tired of not doing it anymore...your problems are yours, not taking care of my you take care of something to say to me, well, come on over...i have a house phone, they can use that from now on...but i wont be bitched out over text messaging ever again...enough said