Friday, February 27, 2009

reflections of who im not

i was sitting here thinking about things today...and about friendships, things like that...then i remembered something my mom use to tell me as a teenager...she use to say "friends are a reflection of ourselves, so chose them wisely"...

I have to really think about how to say this...but i havent had friends that reflected who i really am since highschool...or, maybe they have, i dont know..my friends have always been wilder, and more carefree then me..bolder, and more open...thats how i see it anyway...i have a habit of not chosing my friends wisely...i dont know why, its just the way it works out...they are all so completely different then who i am..

Unfortunately, alot of times i chose ones that feel the need to persuade me to do things that are totally out of my nature...and im easily persuaded because i seem to want to be liked by everyone...they often take me at my weak, and troubled times, and convince me to follow my whims...when in most times, i wouldnt do those things, or be like that...what troubles me, is the fact that most people know that about me..

i decided a little over a year ago that it was time to slowly push those ones out..because they are not healthy for me at all...do i take some of the blame..hell yes...but there was a time my mind wasnt very healthy, and i was hungry for attention...and for the reassurance that no one else would walk out of my life...that was a rough time for me..and the persuasion to do things out of my nature, made healing alot harder for me..I blame myself too, im an adult...just not a very strong minded one i guess...

ive started to invite people in who are more like me spiritualy, and things like that...I want people in my life who will have positive persuasion...positive influence in the things i value...and not try to convince me to do things im not comfortable with...I am slowly learning how to say what i feel, and do the things that i feel are right...i can say, im tired of people trying to make me like them...im a very independant thinking person, and till about a year and a half ago, i forgot how to take hold of that...its all coming back to me...

for those who make me feel less then i am because im not like you...shame on you...my weakness is no longer an issue...thanks for helping me see that...

i know this post is really random...but i needed to give my thoughts a voice tonight..most of you wont understand, some of you will

2 comments:

Beverly said...

Hey Tara, I too have been there with friends (and family too). I used to have "friends" who would call or come by simply to unload emotional baggage or needed me for something other than just friendship. They were tearing me down and blocking me from growing and being happy. A few years ago I wished them well and let them go on their own way. Sometimes it seemed their emotional baggage became mine and their head games had me in a tizzy, but no more. I don't need it.

I have very few close friends but they are priceless to me. We love and support each other and encourage each other to be our very best and to walk our own road, wherever it takes us. You are a beautiful person who needs beautiful people in your life. You go girl!

Stump Home said...

Hey sweets.....I love you!!! I totally understand. :-)