Wednesday, September 30, 2009

just blogging

Nick and I are both sick. The kids are passing it around too. I didnt get hardly any sleep last night. dominic kept waking up crying because he just didnt feel good. But when he woke up this morning, he was fine. He went to school. Lots of people are getting sick right now. I hope it dosnt last too long. I dont want to be sick most of the winter.

The fall season has definitely gotten here. It is chilly. I dont mind it except the cold air is making me cough. I love this time of year. I cant wait to see the leaves change. And i am excited to use my camera to catch the colors this year!!! im having way too much fun with it already!

I am also excited because we are getting closer to the holidays. this will be the first time Nick and I get to spend them all together. That is such a wonderful feeling. No Hawaii, no Iraq! Just us as a family. It will make these upcoming holidays even better. No goodbyes so close to Christmas!

Logan is suppose to be at football practice tonight. But with me being sick, and some of the others being sick, i just cant walk there to take him. I had borrowed a van, but the battery keeps dying, so right now I am stuck without a vehicle again. I feel bad for him having to miss practice. I feel like I am letting him down.

So there is a job opening at Subway. I want to apply, but i keep telling myself not to. I want a job, and im willing to take just about anything. Bt im not sure i could do that one. its not that i dont think i would like it. But i just dont know. i guess maybe pride is stopping me a little. I am still putting in 2-4 resumes a day. I have gotten alot of denials. It is very frustrating. i know the right one has to come along soon. It just has to.

So this last week was pretty scary. My grandma went in on Wednesday to have her surgery for her cancer. She came through it ok, or so we thought. About 1am Wednesday morning her bloodpressure started to drop, and they couldnt keep it up. She ended up having 2 blood transfusions, and that didnt help. they transfered her to the ICU for a couple of days. Finally it started to steady. i was pretty scared for a couple of days. I dont know how i would handle her passing. She has always been my 2nd parent. It wouldnt be like losing a grandparent, it would be more like losing a dad or something. she is home now, and healing. I just hope it stays that way.

Nick has his first test tonight at ITT Tech. I think he will do great on it. I am so proud of him.

I have all the boys Halloween costumes...we took them to pick them out on Saturday. It is all they can talk about now..lol...they are excited already. We are having a Halloween party this year. Its a costume party. it will be fun

Friday, September 25, 2009

My grandma had her surgery yesterday...the surgery went well...they got most of the tumors, and the rest they are confident the chemo will take care of...she was suppose to go home today, but is too anemic so she ended up having a blood transfusion...so hopefully tomorrow she will be able to go home...

Logan has another game tomorrow morning in South Haven...he is pretty excited about it..I am too...i am really proud of him for sticking with it...the amount of homework he has lately is insane! it takes him all night to do it...sometimes it feels like he has no play time lately..

the other boys are doing good...Michael hardly ever has homework...dominic has some once in a while...steven once a week...

Nick has been getting most of his work done during lab time at school...

tomorow we are gonna go looking at halloween stuff...we are having a party this year...my first halloween party! i have part of my costume already...it will be the first time i dressed up since i was a teen...we are gonna look at costumes for the kids too...not sure what else we are doing..

i didnt really have much to say i guess...i thought there was more

Monday, September 21, 2009

emotional mess

I dont know why, but i am an emotional mess today...its probably a good thing Nick is with his dad for the day...i feel like there is so much going on right now, and maybe i just needed a day to let it all out...i feel like ive cried all day :(

a friend of mine told me its the time of year, and i think i have to agree..but today is just bad...

My grandma has surgery for her cancer on Thursday...im trying very hard to be ok with it, but i guess im not as ok with it as i thought...every once in a while that hard shell of an exterior i have put up gets little cracks in it, and it all comes out...i dont have a good feeling about this surgery...i dont know why, i just dont..So Thursday i will be spending the day at the hospital with my mom...i want to make sure i get to see her when she come out of it..i have to see with my own eyes that she is ok...

i feel like i have recently been deceived...not by Nick, but by someone else...it doesn't make sense to me, but whatever...there is nothing i can do about it but be nice...if i don't, i will come out looking like an insecure nag...so, i will keep my mouth shut till it just fades away...im use to that...no one else sees anything wrong with it, so why should i right?

trust is a huge issue for me at this point in my life....but i have valid reasons...nothing i will get into on here, because its really nobody's business but my own, and whoever i chose to confide in...but it is valid, and i dont really care if anyone else agrees with me...especially when it comes to a mans point of view...they normally stick together on that subject..why cant people just be honest...it would save a whole lot of trouble in the end...i would rather know the truth in the beginning then find out a lie later, and feel as though i have been hurt twice as much..why dont people get that?

things really are going good...my emotions are just crap lately...

I am still job hunting...been sending out resumes like crazy...most people dont want to hire me, because i cant work most nights...sooner or later i will find the perfect job...i know its out there, it has to be...

no more planning has really been done on the wedding...i have to start making a list of people for invites, so i can start pricing out invitations, and things like that...we have alot done already...we have accomplished alot...i cant say "im not scared"...i am...not of getting married to Nick, but of being a failure again...

Nick and i haven't been able to spend much time together lately..with school, and kids sports, and lots of other things, we just barely see each other...i cant wait till things slow down a bit..i need some time with him..Last weekend he went to a "bachelor" party for his brother...i put parentheses around that because in my eyes it wasn't much of a bachelor party with females there too...but that's another subject im not getting into...so, it was a party...he had a good time, and im glad for it...im sure he needed some time away from life...we all do sometimes...im sure certain people will think less of me after posting that part..but i don't care anymore...im tired of people thinking they can walk all over me and get away with it..

to a few others, i don't need an internet babysitter...really i don't...i can handle myself quite well...and i don't need people who read my stuff, to go crying to others about my life...its my life...i choose to live it how i see fit...if you want to know what i write, or whats on my profiles, ask...don't spy...that makes me unhappy...very....oh, and yes, i am a Pagan....stop saying the word like its something dirty coming out of your mouth...and every time you hear that i am a pagan, stop acting surprised...its not a surprise every time you hear it, and its not a dirty thing...i don't worship anything EVIL...in fact, i worship something that is pure goodness, thank you very much...so just stop, because its getting on my nerves...you don't see me trying to convert you...so just leave it be...i am at a good and peaceful place with my spirituality, whether anyone else likes it or not...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

music in my soul

im sitting here tonight...alone..Nick is with his brothers, so im forced to entertain myself...not so bad really...there was a Bob Seger tribute band playing in town tonight, and i could hear it from my front porch...music is memories to me...i love it..all kinds...but music from Seger, and the eagles takes me back to my childhood...my family is full of the hippie types, and we use to have bon fires, and spend a good amount of time together...what i remember most is the bonfires, and parties where this genre of music was played...listening to it tonight brings tears to my eyes...it reminds me of my uncle Dan mostly..he has been gone for 3 years now...He was my favorite..a wild child or sorts...didnt care what others thought...a little bit crazy...and alot loveable...he was well known in Lawton as "animal"...

i know i just did a blog like this one, but for some reason lately, im really feeling the lose of the ones who have passed in the last 3 years...there have been alot...people i was very close to....some very important things are about to happen in my life, and they wont be here for it...it makes me sad...but mostly i think im sad for the way some parts of my family have become...i know they had their fights, but i want us to be close...its important to me...i just dont know where to begin to find that again...

im emotional tonight anyway, im dealing with a fear, and that never sits well with me

Friday, September 18, 2009

logans first game is coming up!

Logans first game is tomorrow, and i am so excited!!! he is too...lots of people will be there to watch him for his first game, and i am very glad for that...its really important to him...he is really proud of himself! i will take lots of pictures..


logan football

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

my morning cup

When my great grandmother died, they had the sad task of sorting through her things...i received a framed picture of my mom and dad, and a picture of me as a baby...

then, my family gave me a coffee cup that had been hers..on the cup it says worlds greatest mom...every time i drink out of that cup, i think of her...i think of how she was the pillar of this family...the glue that held it all together...she was a strong little lady...i miss her...but im so glad to be able to have something that i can use every day, that makes me think of her...


coffee Pictures, Images and Photos

Monday, September 14, 2009

crazy busy

things have been so busy lately...the kids are loving school....logan is loving football...he looks so darn cute in his uniform...he just got the rest of it today, and i didnt have my camera with me at practice, so wednesday i will take a picture to post..all those pads make him look so tiny..there are some kids on the team that are so much bigger then him!

nicks dad and neice were in a motorcycle accident almost 2 weeks ago...his dad has lots of healing to do, but will be ok..his neice was able to leave the hospital that day with only some miner issues...headache and body ache...im so greatful that it wasnt more serious...i absolutely love his family, and i cant even think about anything worse happening :(

nick seems to like his classes...he has to drive all the way up to grand rapids 3 nights a week, but he does ok with it...

My grandma goes in for surgery soon for her cancer..the 24th...im hoping everything turns out ok...

i should be getting a van soon...this is a very good thing! we need a 2nd vehicle...something a bit bigger...

im sad to hear that Patrick Swayze has passed away...he was one of my favorites..

im terrible at keeping touch with people lately...its not that im not thinking of you, things are just so crazy right now...ive been putting in about 10 resumes a week, sometimes more...for a while i wasnt getting any responses...now i keep getting told that im overqualified...i dont care, i just want a dang job! im tired of not having money in savings for an emergency...the holidays are fast approaching, and im pretty sure its gonna be another rough holiday...better that nick is home, but financially rough...but its ok, im greatful for what we can do anyway...life is good..

a friend of mine lost his wife recently...it makes you really take a look at the things and people you have in your life...remember to give them that extra kiss, and hug...dont forget to tell them you love them...its one of the most important things...

I love you :) thats all

wedding blog 9/14/09

This is where we are getting married...kindelberger park...i cant wait, im so excited!!!! we came upon it by chance! its perfect...now lets hope for perfect weather!
we changed the date to June 26th, because the 19th just wasnt working out for us...but its ok...we also picked out my ring and put it on layaway..im not posting it though...you will just have to wait till the wedding :)

we rented out the moose lodge for the reception...its a big place, and it will give us space to move around...it has a great dancefloor, and a space for the DJ...we still havent picked out a dj, or photographer..its all coming together, and it is so wonderful...i get to marry my best friend..

i have my next fitting in November....