Monday, September 21, 2009

emotional mess

I dont know why, but i am an emotional mess today...its probably a good thing Nick is with his dad for the day...i feel like there is so much going on right now, and maybe i just needed a day to let it all out...i feel like ive cried all day :(

a friend of mine told me its the time of year, and i think i have to agree..but today is just bad...

My grandma has surgery for her cancer on Thursday...im trying very hard to be ok with it, but i guess im not as ok with it as i thought...every once in a while that hard shell of an exterior i have put up gets little cracks in it, and it all comes out...i dont have a good feeling about this surgery...i dont know why, i just dont..So Thursday i will be spending the day at the hospital with my mom...i want to make sure i get to see her when she come out of it..i have to see with my own eyes that she is ok...

i feel like i have recently been deceived...not by Nick, but by someone else...it doesn't make sense to me, but whatever...there is nothing i can do about it but be nice...if i don't, i will come out looking like an insecure nag...so, i will keep my mouth shut till it just fades away...im use to that...no one else sees anything wrong with it, so why should i right?

trust is a huge issue for me at this point in my life....but i have valid reasons...nothing i will get into on here, because its really nobody's business but my own, and whoever i chose to confide in...but it is valid, and i dont really care if anyone else agrees with me...especially when it comes to a mans point of view...they normally stick together on that subject..why cant people just be honest...it would save a whole lot of trouble in the end...i would rather know the truth in the beginning then find out a lie later, and feel as though i have been hurt twice as much..why dont people get that?

things really are going good...my emotions are just crap lately...

I am still job hunting...been sending out resumes like crazy...most people dont want to hire me, because i cant work most nights...sooner or later i will find the perfect job...i know its out there, it has to be...

no more planning has really been done on the wedding...i have to start making a list of people for invites, so i can start pricing out invitations, and things like that...we have alot done already...we have accomplished alot...i cant say "im not scared"...i am...not of getting married to Nick, but of being a failure again...

Nick and i haven't been able to spend much time together lately..with school, and kids sports, and lots of other things, we just barely see each other...i cant wait till things slow down a bit..i need some time with him..Last weekend he went to a "bachelor" party for his brother...i put parentheses around that because in my eyes it wasn't much of a bachelor party with females there too...but that's another subject im not getting into...so, it was a party...he had a good time, and im glad for it...im sure he needed some time away from life...we all do sometimes...im sure certain people will think less of me after posting that part..but i don't care anymore...im tired of people thinking they can walk all over me and get away with it..

to a few others, i don't need an internet babysitter...really i don't...i can handle myself quite well...and i don't need people who read my stuff, to go crying to others about my life...its my life...i choose to live it how i see fit...if you want to know what i write, or whats on my profiles, ask...don't spy...that makes me unhappy...very....oh, and yes, i am a Pagan....stop saying the word like its something dirty coming out of your mouth...and every time you hear that i am a pagan, stop acting surprised...its not a surprise every time you hear it, and its not a dirty thing...i don't worship anything EVIL...in fact, i worship something that is pure goodness, thank you very much...so just stop, because its getting on my nerves...you don't see me trying to convert you...so just leave it be...i am at a good and peaceful place with my spirituality, whether anyone else likes it or not...

1 comment:

Erin S. said...

You're PAGAN?! WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!

;-p

I really love how you can be honest online. EVEN in my own damn uber private blog I find myself writing things, and then deleting them for fear of revealing too much. I am an emotional wuss.

I hope your grandma pulls through...I'll light a candle AND say a prayer for her. You're in my thoughts.