Monday, October 5, 2009

A personal blog..(reflections of me)

its been a while since i wrote a really personal blog..Ive done venting, bragging, wedding stuff, and updates...but once in a while i feel the need to really throw myself out there..

There are times when i feel so left behind and jealous...and times i feel like i have really failed at things...Im getting better at understanding we cant change our past...its just not possible...But if i had stuck with school i would have a really good job, a decent car, and a life outside of my home...I envy those in school, people who are sticking with it...i am often mad at myself for being bullied into stopping my education...being made to feel that it just wasn't as important as the things others wanted in life...I realize now that just because it wasn't important to them, didnt mean it couldn't be important to me..I want so badly to go back to school...but in order to do that, my default loans have to be paid off...but to do that i need a job, to get a job i need a flexible schedule, and an education...see my dilemma here? my loans are huge, but big enough that i cant even make a dent in them...while others are moving on, im still living with the mistakes i made 10 years ago by not following my instincts to go further with school...and here i sit, not knowing how to make it right...how to turn it around...

i feel like a failure...i need a job so bad...i feel like im failing my children by not being able to get one...its such a frustration...i have a vehicle now...but between mine and Nicks schedule, its just been impossible...they want me to have open availability...and i just cant do that...and no place i apply to is willing to work with my schedule...there are others out there that can do what they want...i have gotten so many replies to my resume's telling me im overqualified...whats that about? im beginning to think its just a nice way for them to say im not what they need...and that just sucks...

I want to feel like i am contributing...financially...i want to be looked at as a strong independant woman...one that doesn't need so much help...i want that education i always thought i would have..

I am proud of myself though...i think ive done a damn good job with these boys...in the last 4 years i have turned their attitudes around 100%...and when face to face with the woman my ex husband left me for, i smiled instead of beating the crap out of her like i wanted to...I have made a life...I am stronger, and more pushy for the things i believe in then i ever was...I am confident in areas that lacked for a very long time...

I am happy in love...more secure in it then i ever thought possible...and, IM GETTING MARRIED TO MY BESTEST FRIEND...

i try very hard not to get frustrated with my failings, but sometimes its hard...i want to be someone who makes a difference in the future of our world...i want to be someone that people can look up to...

sorry for the typos...i dont feel like changing them :)

1 comment:

Erin Leigh said...

I understand where you are coming from...I really do. I honestly didn't expect to be back in school until the kids were at the very least in High School.

Have you possibly thought of working w/ google advertisements? Let me see if I can find the link....having people work from home just simply advertising. Let me check on that.

The other option Tara, is starting your own business. Have you thought about anything YOU could do? I know you're pretty talented. :) Unfortunately people are huge douche bags w/ regard to you being a mommy and needing a flexible schedule. Do you have a hospital near by? Maybe you could work nights or weeekends cleaning/housekeeping...I know they usually have openings for that. They pay pretty well. I'll check into that google advertisement thing I heard about and get back w/ you!!