Saturday, December 26, 2009

a post holiday post

I hope everyone had a great holiday.  I love this time of year, not necesssarily for the holiday itself, but the energy people put out.  you can go into a store, or anywhere really, and feel the air around pulsing with it.  its a great feeling.  it gives me such a natural high.

Christmas was good to us.  we had a great time.  was very very busy.  thursday night we went to my moms to visit with family, then at about 10pm, we went to Nicks parents house to open gifts.. we got home about 1am i think.  and what do you know, but santa had already come to our house!  So of course we had to open the presents!  we were up till very late opening presents, and letting the kids play.  then the twins decided they needed to get up at 7am!  which means mommy only got about 3.5 hours of sleep!  I have pics i will have to post later, cuz my connection is stinky right now!  The boys were spoiled this year, but thats ok, its been a long time since we spent way too much money on them..lol..they went with their dad at noon on christmas day.  they didnt want to leave their new stuff behind, and i dont really blame them.

So i am blogging from work..naughty Tara...actually they dont mind.  ive got all the stuff done that i can do, so now im updating the world..lol..not that the world really cares, but a select few might.

So i have heard alot of talk about what is the right way and wrong way to celebrate this time of year, and honestly, people can have their opinions, but really....whose right is it to judge how we spend that time..My boys believe in Santa, he is magical, and i want that innocence in their hearts for as long as possible...too soon do they have to really know the real world. and personally, i think kids have to grow up way too fast..  so mine arent...do i celebrate it all for the same reason a christian does? nope..do i celebrate it the same way as a pagan does? nope.  we all make our own paths in this world, and i have chosen mine.  I am not naive about it all, this is just the way i chose life for us.

I forgot what it was like to be a working mom...well outside the home anyway.  Mentally i am exhausted.  but i feel so alive.  i feel more independant, and accomplished.  the owners have nothing but praise for me, and after living the way i did for so long, that feels good.  my confidence is boosted beyond belief.  i love this feeling.

So my house didnt sell at the auction last week, and now the bank is trying to work out a plan for us..this is the 2nd time he let it go into forclosure, and i cant handle it againg.  so after i talk to a lawyer about my options, we are going to make plans to move  i think.  I need stability for my boys. that is what is most important, and if i have to worry all the time that he isnt doing what he is suppose to with the house, then how can they have that stability.  they dont know what is going on, and i chose to keep it that way, but they do know that we will be moving, and that they will most likely be changing schools.  At this point, i feel like even if i lose my ass on this house, its better to just move on.  I am tired of someone always pulling the strings in my puppet of a life.  i cut the strings now.  i am even envisioning it happening, and will seal it in ritual tonight.

im so tired today, i can barely function.  i have 6 more hours of work, and i feel like im hanging on by a thread today.

I am sad that the holiday is over.  there is so much build up of excitement, then the day goes by so fast. 

This was the first time Nick and i got to spend the whole holiday together..it was wonderful, no deployments, and no hawaii.  i am so greatful for that.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Almost Christmas

We got our shopping done yesterday before i had to go to work.  It took us all day.  I guess we weren't as close to being done as we thought.  I wrapped some today, but i didn't feel like i even made a dent in what has to be done.  It wont get any closer to being done today.  Nick isn't feeling well, and im too tired now.

The house went up for auction December 17th.  im not sure if anyone bought it or not.  I am sure we will find out soon.  I don't know how they inform us of it all.  I told Denny that this time he needs to give me all the paperwork that comes his way, so that we aren't surprised about when we have to be out.  Hopefully we will have a house to rent in about a month.  We found one we really like.  we just have to contact them to see what it would take to get into it.

I haven't even received an apology for this situation he has put us in.  I don't understand that logic at all.  HIS house has lots of room, and is almost done, and i am having to start over.  I am in the angry stage of it all.  I am mad as hell, and i don't know how to handle it all.  I got what was most important out of the divorce, but he has pretty much taken everything else.  The business, and now the house.  at least with the house i felt things were even.  I don't even really understand how he could do it to his boys.  I think he figures i will give up, and the boys will come to live with him.  but.....he hasn't paid child support in a long time, he cant provide a stable environment, and he just lost this house for us.  I have to go to the friend of the court, and get permission to move them, even though he lost this house, and we cant live here anymore anyway.  its all very strange for me.

This well be the last Christmas in this house for my boys.  it makes me a little sad, but also a little relieved.  I think we need this.  but it feels like all the memories of their childhood are in this house, and i feel like i am leaving that all behind.  It breaks my heart.  around every corner hold memories, i hear their laughter in the living room.  I know there will be new memories made, of that i have no doubt.  its just really hard on me.  Im scared that rent and everything else will be too much for us.

anyway, on to other things.  I love my job.  i thought some of that bliss would wear off,  but it hasn't.  i really do like it.  last week i spent about 4-5 hours passing out coupons and fliers to local businesses to let them know that we are there now.  it helps that it is the type of company i believe in.  earth friendly, and well, the earth is my religion.  they make me feel appreciated too.  I always know when they like the job i am doing.  and it isn't like any other place i worked before.  the owners are amazing bosses.  i could see myself working there for a very long time.

the boys are excited for Santa clause.  they are so full of energy about it all.  And even though things are about to change, i think this will be one of the best Christmases yet.  not because of what we bought them, but because of the spirit of it all this year.  we are a happy family.  yes a stressed one right now, but they don't know that.  we are really enjoying the season.  they have been playing outside a lot more then they did in past winters.  its just been an all around great experience.  it helps that i have a job, it makes me feel so much more accomplished, and i feel like i am contributing.  this will be a bitter sweet holiday for sure.

its going to be very busy for us this time around.  Christmas eve we are going to my moms, then headed to nicks moms, then Christmas morning we open presents with the boys, then they go with their dad, and we head back to my moms, to open presents with the adults.  This year my family is getting together on Christmas eve like we use to when i was little.  i am excited about it.  My uncle Fred,and aunt Joannie will be here too!!! a first in a long time.  my cousin Jennifer and her family will be coming later.  i get to see her twice in one year.  i think that is amazing for sure!

new years eve we don't have the boys, so we are gonna try to go do something.  anything would be fine with me.  i haven't been out on new years eve in a long time.

well, time for a movie night with my monsters.  thanks for reading if you made it this far

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Moving

Yes we are.

A little back story...

about 3.5 years ago I let the ex husband mortgage my house, so that he could start buying houses to fix up and sell. Well he bought one, started fixing it, and ive heard through the grapevine that he will be keeping it. When he mortgaged it he promised financially things would be better, and that he would have an easier time paying the things he is suppose to pay (child support). He was suppose to consolidate all of his bills, and from what i hear, he didn't do that either. I feel stupid for trusting him. He has defaulted on it twice, and this last time didn't tell me till the amount was too high for us to fix. I know times are hard, but why did he not tell us. This is my childrens home. The home i have had for them for 11 years as of this February. Well he is trying to make a deal with us now, that he will save money for the next 6 months (when we have to be out of here), and then help us with a down payment for a "new and better house for me and the boys". First i see lots of problems with that. With a foreclosure in our names how is that even possible? and I haven't received more then 500 in child support in 6 months, so the way i see it, instead of paying child support he will save that money , the boys money, and try to took like a hero? um, no. oh, and the stipulation is, that is only if we stay in the bangor area. an area i cant stand, and that is far away from where Nick and I work? I am not having any of that. he says he is only doing what is best for the boys.. if that were the case, the house would have been paid on. If he didn't have the money, he should have told us.

I am bitter about it all, but I am starting to see the silver lining. There is something positive in every situation. We get to move out of a house that leaks, and is cold all winter long. a house that is falling apart (even though its been "redone"). We get to be closer to our families, we don't have to drive 45 minutes each way to work, or to go do something enjoyable. It will save us gas money, and bills because we can live in a place that is taken care of.

I am trying to see this is a new and exciting adventure. I am nervous, actually i am a mix of a lot of strong emotions. I don't know how i am going to feel from one day to another, and it makes me moody and irritable some days. I find myself snapping at Nick, and i don't mean to, but im so freaked out about it all. The boys will have to change schools, something none of us have had to deal with before, they have been in the same school district all their lives. I think i am more nervous about it then they are. I don't know how it all works. I am scared that a new school wont understand them the way this one does. But i think in all, a move will be good for them too. It will give them a chance to start over. to make a decision to do better. i think it will be a great adventure, with lots of new friends and opportunities for them.

I have a feeling the ex will try to stop this somehow. i am not sure how, but im just sure of it. but the fact that no child support has been paid, and he failed to follow court order and pay his mortgage, which resulted in us losing the only home my boys have known will work in my favor anyway. besides the fact that i am a good mom, and there is nothing to say im not :) well im sure some select people would disagree, but i dont care about them at all, so it dosnt matter

So anyway, that's whats going on in my life.

I say it was a stupid decision to make, but my mom says that as long as i learned something from it, then it wasn't stupid

Friday, December 4, 2009

this and that

Life is about to get really busy!

Our new store is about to open, its the one i was hired for. well, they are figuring its gonna be busier then first thought, sooooo...........i work monday-sunday next week! That is great news for me, i need the hours... i need them bad...i love my job, its hard on my feet, so i got some good shoes today..they arent pretty, but they will do the trick..my back was starting to hurt because of the shoes i had...one of the owners told me that he was impressed with my customer service skills, and that i am learing fast...that kind of thing is good to hear...

so, some bad news. Nick got laid off...yep thats right folks, just before christmas..we are both pretty stressed about it...I am not getting any child support, havent really since Nick has been home, and so on top of all that, we are just very stressed :( but we will get through it...its just another obstical to overcome...i was so excited cuz things were looking so great, and now im a bit overwhelmed..its so close to christmas, and now im not sure of things..

The boys will be in a parade tomorrow night...im not sur if i will get the chance to see it...i have to work till 5, and it will take me a while to get home..Logan, Steven and dominic will be in it for boyscouts, and michael will be in it for school...He was a Star student (good kid), so he gets to be in it too...they are all pretty excited..Nick took them a few nights ago to work on the float, i had to work, so i didnt get to go, but they were pretty excited about it..

with me working, Nick and the boys dad have been taking care of the boys often...it feels so strange passing off that responsibility..i dont really like that part of it..its really hard on me, and i think the boys are starting to feel it too...

It snowed last night, and today...we got lots of it...the boys are happy, and nick is too...they played out in it after school..they had a snowball fight...nick tried to build a snowman, but the snow wasnt packing good enough..









We got our Christmas tree up and decorated also..that was fun..my mom gave us her tree this year, so we have a bigger tree with lots of lights!

molly likes decorating too!