reflections of who im not

i was sitting here thinking about things today...and about friendships, things like that...then i remembered something my mom use to tell me as a teenager...she use to say "friends are a reflection of ourselves, so chose them wisely"...

I have to really think about how to say this...but i havent had friends that reflected who i really am since highschool...or, maybe they have, i dont know..my friends have always been wilder, and more carefree then me..bolder, and more open...thats how i see it anyway...i have a habit of not chosing my friends wisely...i dont know why, its just the way it works out...they are all so completely different then who i am..

Unfortunately, alot of times i chose ones that feel the need to persuade me to do things that are totally out of my nature...and im easily persuaded because i seem to want to be liked by everyone...they often take me at my weak, and troubled times, and convince me to follow my whims...when in most times, i wouldnt do those things, or be like that...what troubles me, is the fact that most people know that about me..

i decided a little over a year ago that it was time to slowly push those ones out..because they are not healthy for me at all...do i take some of the blame..hell yes...but there was a time my mind wasnt very healthy, and i was hungry for attention...and for the reassurance that no one else would walk out of my life...that was a rough time for me..and the persuasion to do things out of my nature, made healing alot harder for me..I blame myself too, im an adult...just not a very strong minded one i guess...

ive started to invite people in who are more like me spiritualy, and things like that...I want people in my life who will have positive persuasion...positive influence in the things i value...and not try to convince me to do things im not comfortable with...I am slowly learning how to say what i feel, and do the things that i feel are right...i can say, im tired of people trying to make me like them...im a very independant thinking person, and till about a year and a half ago, i forgot how to take hold of that...its all coming back to me...

for those who make me feel less then i am because im not like you...shame on you...my weakness is no longer an issue...thanks for helping me see that...

i know this post is really random...but i needed to give my thoughts a voice tonight..most of you wont understand, some of you will

repeat

Relief flows in to me as i am able to breath deep...Finally..There is so much comfort in knowing he is on U.S. soil...I knew it was hard having him gone, but untill he was "home" i didnt know how much it affected me...My soldier is home..

i know i keep repeating myself with all this, but i am just so relieved...and i just keep thinking about all the ways i am relieved, andi have to write it..i have to get it out...so bare with me...i promise the subject will change soon..lol..

Michael has a class field trip today...he was so excited this morning...he gets to see the Kwings play...he went last year too, and he loved it...i wish i could have sent a camera with him, but i dont think he is responsible enough for that yet...

Logan has been doing really well with having to do his homework every night..Steven is a whiz at remembering his sight words...and dominic is great with numbers! im so excited for them..

i woke up

thats what it feels like i guess...i didnt realize how much i wasnt functioning before...and now its like ive come out of my Zombie status...i keep thinking about it..and i think with Nick being deployed i just kinda closed off my brain, and was on autodrive...and now i feel like im accomplishing something..

The weekend was great...The boys had a 4 day weekend from school, and they stayed with denny most of it...i had a quiet weekend except getting to talk to nick...and that was like heaven..

i didnt get much done on the house, but eh, who cares..lol...its not dirty, just needs to be organized..and deep cleaned...i will get to it...im not so worried about it..

Michael is excited..they are having movie night at the school again..so he gets to stay after with no mom or brothers till 6pm...he feels like a big man doing that kind of stuff...and i love that he is showing some independance! its so great for him

all the boys got a hair cut yesterday...i knew Denny was gonna get their hair cut...but all their beautiful hair is gone ! he had it completely buzzed off...omg, im so sad...i wanted to cry when i seen it...they arent in the military dammit! let them keep their beautiful hair...all it needed was to be trimmed...and now its all gone :(

he's back

The last couple of days have been soooo long...Shortly after my last post, i finally got a call...He called from a buddies phone to let me know where he was...it was the most exciting 5 minute phone call in my life!

So im really tired...i stayed up till 2am waiting for my next call to tell me that he was in his room...i finally went to bed, and he called me at about 4am, i was so excited that i couldnt go back to sleep..lol we talked till 8am, we both tried to sleep, and he called again at 10am..lol...im totally exhausted....but its been worth it! we have talked on and off all day long..we finally called it a night at 2pm..lol..i was so tired i prettty much passed out...i didnt even hear my phone when it rang a few times...

I am so excited for him to be back in Hawaii...i wish he was home with me...but i cant complain too much...at least he is safe...and he will be in my arms soon...then there will be a time i dont have to give him back...

I am nervous about it all...i havent had another adult living in the house in a long time...im excited for it, but very nervous...i cant wait for our lives to begin...together, instead of apart...

i feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders...i can breath again :)

Welcome Home my Soldier boy...i love you

The day

I know that I am very lucky to have been able to hear from my man so often during this deployment. Most of the girls i know dont even get half of what i did. So i am very grateful! Now with that being said

CALL ME DAMMIT! haha

ok ok, i know you would if you could...Nicks homecoming ceremony is tonight, i wish i could be there...he is traveling as we speak..wish it was to michigan...I want to be there for him when he gets off that plane so bad...i dont want him to have to walk away from there alone :( it tears at my heart to think of that...i would love to be able to see his face light up...i know i will see him in just one short month...but its not the same...i want to wrap him in my arms and say we made it, we did it...we beat this deployment...

I am trying very hard to be patient...its not easy...the boys are getting tired of me....im trying to stay busy..not working...every time the phone rings i run for it, every time my text message goes off i run for it...i need to hear his voice...i need to hear him say I love you...So Army, if you want me to keep my sanity give him time to call....lol...

So this weekend im going to do some early spring cleaning...its very early, but Nick will be home during the time i normally do it, and i want to take that time for us to get use to being together...for more then 2 weeks at a time..lol...so im gonna try to get a bunch of it done...plus i have to make room in the house to add another person...i want him to have space, and to feel like its his too...so that is my goal this weekend...we will see how much i actually accomplish...but im gonna try...

ok, im off for now...hopefully my next post will be to say he made it to hawaii, and i heard his voice..

4 days

its been for dang days since i heard anything about nick.....really i swear im about to lose my mind...in the military world, thats not a long time...but this is the end, and im anxious...i would say im patiently waiting...but at this point there is no patient about it...its driving me nuts! i dont know where he is...obviously not in Hawaii because i would have gotten a call by now..lol..


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....ok, i just had to get that out to anyone who might be interested

My Valentine

I guess you could call Valentines Day this year, bittersweet. I am not sure how else to explain it. It was another one without my man :( The boys and I made a good day of it. In the morning we snuggled on the couch and watched Valentines cartoons. Then for lunch i made them heart shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. they thought those were pretty cool. After that we went into Kalamazoo and took a present to my mom. I had thought about taking the boys to a movie, but i think with 4 of them, and only one of me, it just would not work out well. More frustration then i could handle for the day. So i decided to get them a movie. Would be cheaper that way anyway. Well we got to the store, and they decided to get grandma cook a present instead of picking out a movie! I thought that was so sweet of them. They picked out a pink teddy bear, and a pink heart shaped candle. They will match her room when she is done with it. After that the boys took me to dinner. Well kind of. They looked at me funny when we were done eating and i told them they better get to work and pay for dinner. Ha ha. So mommy paid. here is a picture of the sandwiches i made them:

So I talked to Nick earlier in the morning. I wasnt sure he would be able to call. it was so nice that he was able to. I would have been ok with it, but it would have sucked. he was disappointed that his Valentines gift hadnt gotten here yet. it came shortly after his call. That was the last time i had talked to him. I am not sure where he is right now. I got to turn his cell phone back on last Friday. i hope the next time he calls it shows up as his name. It will mean he is in the states, safe. As soon as he calls me i know this deployment is OVER. So i am waiting as patiently as i can. trying to pass the time keeping busy. its hard to do. But very soon the deployment will be behind us, and we can get on with the excitement of building our lives together. What a great thing that will be. im sure you guys are getting tired of hearing about it..haha, but it is what has consumed my life for the last 14 months, and i am ready to let that part go. Is it exciting being a Soldiers girl? yes, and im so proud of it. but it would be better if i could be a soldiers girl, and be near him! But soon i will just be a civilian boys girl. i can handle that too!

He spoiled me for Valentines day. He does that alot. Most of the time i really dont know how to handle it. it is something that has taken some getting use to. Here is my present he got me:
yes, that is a huge teddy bear and lots and lots of chocolate! and 12 beatiful roses, and the sweetest note ever. Seriously, can it get any better then that? I miss him so much :(

So i am a ball of anxiety the last couple of days. I am trying very hard not to think of him traveling, but its not working. I need something to keep my mind occupied. I am sure the boys are getting annoyed with me as well.

well im off to bed, i hope the next post i make is about him being in the states!

10 years and counting

So an amazing anniversary happened on February 1st and i didn't even acknowledge it at all...i meant to, and then completely forgot...As of that date, it is 10 years of me living in this house...thats right, we moved into this house February 1, 1999...i cant believe i have lived here so long...its the longest i have lived anywhere...i wish i had some old pictures on my computer to share what it looked like..it went from a little shack looking thing, to a beautiful home..it took a long time to get it there, and its still not done, but its better then it was...

When i first moved here, it was Denny, Michael and I...it was a 1 bedroom house, with a nice size living room and kitchen area....it was a mess! but i loved it, it was ours...no renting, just ours...i was so freakin proud of it, even though we were cramped, and cluttered...i remember when we started to redo the inside, we tore out a wall, to find old newspaper for insulation! no wonder it was soooo hot in the summer..lol...its crazy how time flies..

so many things have happened here,and so many things have changed..im not even sure where to start...ive had 3 babies since moving here...the house itself has grown...I got married, and eventually divorced living here...we had parties, and and friends walk in and out of these doors...ive seen my kids grow and learn here...ive shed blood, sweat and tears to make this house a home...

there is so much more i could say...there are alot of bad memories with the good...waiting up at night wondering when my (ex) husband was finally gonna come home...sick babies...broken hearts, 5 of them...

but through this house is also the ability to move on...to make something of ourselves...its too small for all of us...we are cramped and crank when we are home..but it could be worse...its ours, and thats all that matters...

i love the old memories, but i am looking foreward to the new ones as well...

14 months

Today marks 14 months into this deployment...crazy huh? i cant believe 14 months ago i was on the phone with him saying goodbye...hoping that he would come home safe...feeling my world drop from under me...and being scared out of my mind about how it would all go...wondering how long i would go without hearing from him...and a lot more things were going through my mind...

but we have made it, and this is the last time i will have to post about counting months...his deployment is almost over...its a great moment for me...we have waited so long for him to be home with us...and in just a few short months, he will be home for good...i will be able to post about family times things like that, instead of about deployments and long distance relationships...it is such a sweet feeling..

water and sunshine

This last week hasn't been too bad...school went well for the boys...we had it set up on Friday for the boys to ride the bus to daddy's house...they were pretty excited...Michael was a little nervous, but he did OK with it..he has a friend that rides the same bus, she she helped him out...they don't get to do it very often...

This weekend was a bit hairy..lol...i was sick Thursday through Saturday night...a stomach virus..ick...Friday i did some grocery shopping, and Nick called while i was in the back part of Meijer..and most who shop there know, you just don't get a signal in there...it sucks...so i didn't get to talk to him that day...I got home put stuff away, went to take a shower, and no water pressure...kinda strange seems how it was above freezing..so i sent to check and see if the washer was working, and i heard water running in the wall..i went outside to find water coming out of the access door for the crawlspace...i ended up having to call denny to help me, i had no idea how to turn off the main water supply...

it was too late to get it fixed that night, so i had no water...i was sick and needed to be near a bathroom..so i ended up going to a hotel in South Haven...The Ramada...omg, that hotel has the most comfortable beds! i just wish i had felt good enough to really enjoy it..lol but i relaxed, got a good nights sleep...i was nervous staying at a hotel by myself...it was the first time for me...

Saturday Denny came and fixed the pipe for me...thank goodness it was pretty easy...he was very helpful...and i am grateful to him for giving up part of his Saturday with the boys to do it...

last night my mom and aunt Renee took me out for dinner at TGI Friday! wow! they have excellent food there...it was my first time there, and i am in love (hehe sorry Nick)...i didn't stay too late, because my stomach was still bothering me...i came home and went to bed pretty early...i got a pretty decent nights sleep...i woke up nice and refreshed and feeling good today, so i am working on getting caught up on the house...

Picture of me and my mom at TGI Friday!

The weather here has been amazing...we needed this sunshine...yesterday it got up to 52 degrees..it was so nice walking around in just a sweater! today its about 4o...and sunny again...i love it! i needed it so bad!

Nick is doing good...communication is at a low level for us at this point...its close to him leaving Iraq, and they have him on a crazy different schedule...i miss talking to him, but its for a good cause! he is almost done with this deployment! woohooo!!!!! happy dance! He will have to be in Hawaii for a while before he comes home, but im not complaining! i get to see him again soon...im so happy about it all...its time for us now..something we have been waiting for...

a vacation from the deep freeze

its been so nice the last 2 days! we had sunshine, and it got above freezing....its been wonderful...the boys got to go out and play, and i got to see the sun!

and the best part...MY PIPES ARE THAWED!!!!!!!!!!! i was finally able to do some laundry! woot! i know, exciting right?

so i was watching the superbowl, but i changed the channel...i got bored with it i guess...i like watching sports, but im more for watching it in person...and the kids were getting bored with it fast too..lol

Im not feeling so hot tonight...my stomach hurts...and im extremely tired....its only 9 and i feel like i could go to bed....

i had the house looking nice, and somehow the last 2 days its gotten out of hand again...i dont think i will ever win that battle...