Sunday, December 19, 2010

My Spirituality

I dont really know how many of you know that I am Pagan.  Been that way for a loooooong time.  Does that mean I know details of what every Pagan believes? Not a bit of it.  What I know is that I believe in the power of energy, the power of prayer (whatever the religion may be).  I believe in magic, and I believe that anything is possible.  I dont worship the devil.  Dont even believe in him.  I am still learning, I stopped trying for a while.  Some bad decisions derailed me, I dont know how to find that path that takes me back to where I need to be.

I have a problem.  I am lonely.  Not lonely in a sense of I am unhappy, or in terms of my husband.  Our relationship is fantastic.  Couldnt be better. 

I mean spiritually I am lost.  I feel like I havent been living the way my thoughts a beliefs follow.  I dont even know how to explain it really.  I dont have anyone around me that believes the same things.  I feel like I dont really have anyone to learn from.  I miss the gatherings, and the festivals.  I miss the fires, and the drumming, and the feeling of belonging.  I am a spiritual mess at this point, and I just dont know how to turn it around.

I just want to belong, and feel that spiritual peace I once felt.  I have lost it somehow.  I dont know how to even begin to get it back.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The weather has been busy

These last couple of days the snow has really let us know that winter is upon us. We had a really mild warm Fall season, and now we have jumped right into the cold and snow. The kids are really excited. I think it is beautiful, but no fun to drive in . Not in my van anyway.

I had to go to my mom's house Sunday after work to check on her cats, because her and my grandma are on vacation. The whole way there and back was 20mph. the highway was so full of ice if you went faster than that, you were in a ditch. I seen so many accidents on my way, by the time I got back here I was balling my eyes out. There were so many people in the ditches, and cars and trucks upside down. The most disturbing was the horse trailer on its side with horses in it. I freaked out. The drive up there today wasn't as bad, thank goodness.

The boys have their first music concert since we moved to Kalamazoo. They are excited. It is tonight, in half an hour. Guess where I am? Work. I don't get to see it. I am so disappointed. I feel horrible about not being able to go, but I didn't even know about it till last week, so there was no way for me to put in for the night off. These are the times I really don't like working at night. I miss everything now. I feel like I am doing something totally wrong as a parent, by not being there. I love my job, I just don't like being here at night. Those are the things I should not have to give up.

Anyway, I still only have 1 box packed. I am hoping to do some tomorrow night. We will see if it gets done or not. I need some motivation. I know moving into a home that is big enough for us all should be motivation enough, but so far I keep saying I will do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes, and I get no more packing done.

Time to get back to work J

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Such a Busy Life

There are some moments lately, that life has me going full speed ahead, and I find myself wondering when things might slow down a little. There is so much to do, in such a short time, I don't always know where one day ends, and the next begins, they all just blend together.

Things are going really well for us right now. Nick and I could use some extra time together, but we have at least been getting a little. We don't often see each other more than 30 minutes a day. He works from 4am to 2pm, and goes to school 2-3 nights a week. I work 3 nights a week. He is at school the nights I don't work. It kind of sucks, but that is the way life is at the moment. It will eventually pay off.

Thanksgiving was good. We spent it at my mom's house this year. The boys really enjoyed spending a Holiday with her. We don't do it very often. It was good to be able to. I miss doing that kind of stuff with my mom, and grandma. My aunt and uncle where there also. I hadn't seen them since the wedding.

Things are going to be a little different this Christmas. The boys will be with Denny. We made some changes to how the holidays would go for the boys. We use to have them Christmas Eve, and then Christmas day till around noon, but I just felt like that was so unfair to them. So from now on, the year I have them for Thanksgiving, they will be with their dad for Christmas. And then the next year we will switch. By doing that, they won't be torn away from the new toys they get, and will have a chance to really enjoy the day. I don't like being away from there for a holiday, but I know it is what is best for them, and that is what matters the most. I will just deal with it.

My brother in law and his wife got approved for the loan for their house. What an exciting time for them! They are so happy, I swear they just glow! It is amazing to see. We seen the new house on Friday, and it is AMAZING! It is huge, and it's on a good size piece of property too. They will love it out there.

We put down the security deposit for our house on Friday! I can't wait to get moved. No more going up to the 3rd floor with lots of bags of groceries. The boys will have a big yard to play in, and rooms they can call their own. They are really excited about that part. No more sharing and they get a little bit of privacy. I know there are often times they really want some time alone, and they just don't get that often enough. Now they will. The kitchen in our new place is huge, and the dining area is big enough for our beautiful table! Our room will be much smaller, but I don't care! It is going to be great for us.

I really need to work on packing. I don't really have that long to get it done. About 3 weeks. We are moving on New Year's Day. That part stinks a little, but it's the only time we can. The property manager said we can take some stuff over there early, so that moving day isn't so crazy for us, and so that the stuff we don't use on a regular basis can be taken out of our way. That is of course, if I get some packing done. Between all of our schedules, it makes it very difficult.

So with me working 3 nights a week, I don't really see the boys much. Nick gets them more often than I do. I miss them so much. I feel like I am missing out on all the important stuff in their lives, and it makes me so sad. There is so much I miss with school stuff, and those types of things. This Tuesday they have a choir concert, that of course I won't be attending, because I work every Tuesday, and I didn't know about it soon enough to be able to go. I don't like missing that stuff, and it makes me feel like a bad mom when I do. I should be there for those things. I know sooner or later it will change, but I am having a hard time waiting for it.

My two best friends (besides my husband of course), are about to split up. I am sad about it, I don't really know how to handle it at all. I have known for a long time that they aren't happy, but it still hurts a little that they won't be together. I want to see them together. What happens when they start dating other people? How do I act? What if they start asking questions about what the other is doing? How do I not feel torn to choose sides? I can't say I was shocked at the news. I knew I would get that phone call sooner or later. I was just hoping it was later. It's painful, and it isn't even my relationship.

So, with packing, Christmas, and moving, things are about to get insane. If I don't get a chance to post, that will be the reason, and I am sorry ahead of time. I love to write about our lives and adventures, so when things settle down, I will definitely do better at writing more often. Thank you to everyone who has ready my blog for so long, I am really grateful for you. See you next post J

Thursday, November 11, 2010

A veterans wife remembering her army girlfriend days...

I cant say I miss it.  Ok, truth is, maybe I can say I do just a little bit.  I dont however, miss him being gone.

Our story starts a long time ago.  We met when I was 16, and he was 15.  I fell for him way  back then too.  Kind of funny how life comes full circle at times.  Look at us now!

We started our relationship long distance.  He was in Hawaii, I was in Michigan.  In the beginning it was hard, and easy at the same time.  It was hard, because I was really insecure about it all.  I was just coming out of a 10 year relationship, and here I find myself dating a man, a soldier, living in paradise, with lots of pretty girls around.  After being together for a while, my insecurities became less of a problem.

We survived it by talking on the phone alot, and chatting on Yahoo.  And when I say alot, I mean constantly.  I made sure to make myself available to him to him whenever he had the time to be online, or on the phone.  Life was kind of on hold in those days.

I didnt get much sleep back then.  Our time zones were way different, I often stayed up until 2 or 3 am, then up early to get the boys off to school.  I would get 4-5 hours of sleep a night, sometimes less, just so I could have that time with him.

I only got to see him for a couple weeks every 4-7 months, depeding on when his leave days fell.  The time we spent together was so wonderful, and we made sure to fill those days with lots of memories.  The homecomings were one of the greatest feelings in the world.  I remember the countdowns, and the days of preparation before he stepped off that plane, and into my arms.

After doing that for 1.5 years, we found ourselves faced with a 15 month deployment.  That was almost as long as our relationship at that point.  It was rough for me then, I cried alot.  I had to mentally prepare myself for this.  We knew far in advance that it was going to happen, but it didnt make the moment any easier.  No matter how many good byes you go through, nothing can compare to sending them off to war.He came home for his pre deployment leave, and I was a mess for most of it, I can only hope that I hid it well..

Taking him to the airport, knowing this was the last hug, kiss, touch of the hand, I would get for a year was horrid.  I couldnt think straight  I felt like someone was dying.  I cried long and hard, watching him walk away.  I had no idea what would lay ahead for us, I had so many questions running through my head.  All of those "what ifs".  Would he survive?  Would he feel the same about me?  Could we make it?  How different would he be when he came home?  See, we already knew it would be a year before he walked back into my arms.

Nick didnt get leave from deployment (R&R) until 12 months into it.  So for a full year there was only the short calls, a few emails, and lots of chatting.  Of course, that was when there werent any black outs.  And we were lucky, because some girls didnt get to hear from their Soldiers for months at a time.

When he finaly got leave, I remember preparing myself in every way possible.  I was so many emotions all rolled into one.  I was happy, excited, anxious, nervous, and scared, and so many more.  I just didnt know what to expect.  He stepped off that plane in his ACU's, and all those emotions instantly faded.  My Soldier was in my arms.  All I could be after that, was happy.  But truthfully, I was also a little nervous i guess.  After a year, the body makes some changes.  What if he didnt like those changes?

Our time together was wonderful and fast, before I knew it, it was time to send him back to Iraq.  But on the bright side, it was only for a couple more months.  Those months were slow and fast at the same time.  Not sure how that is possible, but its the only way I know how to describe it.

So, I finally got the call that he was coming home.  I think back on that 15 months, and I am so amazed at how great we got through it  I didnt hear from him for a week after that.  I had a bad feeling about it  I knew something was wrong.  When he got to Alaska he called me from a friends phone.  It was short and not so sweet.  I could tell something was wrong, he said he would call when he got back to Hawaii.

He got back to Hawaii, and apologized for the call, and things were good.  We talked for almost 12 hours straight.  Then they got really bad.  I finally got an explaination, something bad had happened on his way home, and he was having a hard time dealing.

After that, things went from bad to worse.  I thought we were done.  It was the biggest emotional rollercoaster I had ever been on.  By then I was his fiance, and these things you werent suppose to do to the one you love that much.  I felt like I had failed him somehow, only i just didnt know how.  I felt completely helpless in the situation.  Angry too.  Mad at him, mad at the army for changing him...Just mad as hell.

It is amazing how events can change a persons life, and how hard it can be to come back from that.  The day he got out of the Army was the greatest day.  At the same time, I was scared.  We werent even married yet, and i felt like I had to fight my way back from some emotions I should have never been made to feel.  I had to try to be understanding of a situation, that he wouldnt talk about.  I had to be supportive of what could have been the end of our story.  I felt guilty for having all of those feelings, because he was the one struggling.  The guilt of not being able to find a way to help him when he needed it most made me miserable.  But we did it.  We made it

A year after he came home, we got married.  It is a dream come true to be married to my best friend.  He is the one person in this world that knows me best.

I dont regret going through all of that.  I wouldnt change a thing.  In the end it only made us stronger.  After 3 years in a long distance relationship, we dont have to wonder what its like to be apart.

There are times I still struggle with the feelings I have about his last days in the Army, but we made it, and the fact that we made it, makes all those other feelings go away. 

I use to be a proud Soldiers Girl, now I am a proud Veterans wife.  I love my husband, my hero, my best friend.

Love Wins.

ps.  this is the first time i have come out with alot of these emotions.  it is sometimes hard to bring them up. 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


I always have a ton of ideas on what I want to blog about, then when I actually get the time to blog I forget everything I was going to talk about.


We are moving again.  It has only been about 7 months since our move from the home I had for over 10 years, to this apartment.  I like this place, but I am glad to be getting out of here.  The 3rd floor just dosnt work out so well for us.  It was extremely hot up here over the summer.  The air would be running nonstop and it was still 90 degrees in here.  Dragging groceries up this far for 6 people is rough.  The boys dont get to go out and play very often, because they have to be 13 to play outside here alone, and i dont really trust the people around here.

The house has 3 bedrooms upstairs, and 2 downstairs,  a huge kitchen dining room area, a big living room, 2 full bathrooms, a screened in back porch, and a huge back yard!  And a garage.  I am really excited.  So are the boys.  They will each have their own rooms for the first time.   They have always had to share, and now they get to set them up the way they want, and have their own personal stuff in there.  I think it will be good for them.  Its in a really good neighborhood.

The property backs up to some woods, so you know i will be putting out corn and stuff for the deer and quirrels!

The best part is the boys get to stay in the same school they are in now.  Because I drive them to and from school, they will get to remain there.  its only about a 10 minute drive, so really its not a big deal.  I am just so happy.

The only thing I am not so excited about is the packing again.  What a pain that was!  I am hoping that we can do it little by little, with the smaller stuff.  But we will see

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Follow me here as well

I decided to challange myself and start a book review blog.  I read alot, and I like the challange of explaining why I really like or dislike a book.

Follow me here if you are interested.  Maybe you would like to be a part of it?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

what I have learned

An alcoholic with always be an alcoholic.  And until they are ready to seek help themselves all you can do is emotionally support them as much as possible.  Dont enable them.  If you push them to get better, they just learn to lie to get around it all.  No matter how it tears you up, they will contunue down the alcoholic path until you release them enough to make that desicion to get better on their own.  That is what I have learned.  I wish it was something I didnt know.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


I am completely exhausted!  I dont often work long hours, or do anything that requires too much energy, but I am tired anyway.  last week I babysat, and worked, then had a 3 day weekend with the boys that consisted of moving almost nonstop.  Yesterday I worked 2 different I guess I do have a reason, sometimes it just dosnt feel like it.  Maybe cuz my paychecks dont show  I dont work that many hours at work, but I sure make up for it at home.

A part of me really misses being a stay at home mom.  I think the worst part of it is that for so long I was in every aspect of the boys lives.  And now it feels as though I am not any part of it at all.  I work 3 nights a week, Wednesday nights when I am home its filled with catching up on things..Every other Friday they go to their dads house, so that night is pretty much shot.  I feel so out of touch with them, and I just dont know what to do about it.  I am overwhelmed with the feeling of not knowing them so well anymore.  The woman that does the schedule give me as much time with them as possible on my weekends, so I get to see them some then, but alot of times weekends are a time when I need to catch up on household stuff. 

Houshold am pretty much doing it myself right now.  Nicks job is physically draining, so I have been taking care of most of the house on my own.  And he goes to school 3 days a week.  I cant seem to keep up.  I am trying so hard, and I just cant get it all done.  Thank goodness I never claimed to be superwoman!

I remember when life was a little more laid really miss that.  I am totally holding out for daytime day maybe

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


There really isnt a whole lot of new and exciting things going on these days.

The boys (including Nick) are getting excited about Halloween.  The closer it gets, the more its talked about.  Halloween costumes get more expensive every year, but its all for fun.  This year I have the boys for that weekend, so it will be nice.  No going into bangor to trick or treat.  the last couple years there less and less houses were handing out candy anyway.  In fact, it just plain sucked.

The school they are going to dosnt celebrate Halloween.  instead they do a Harvest Festival, and the kids get to dress up as farmers.  Strange, but OK.

The boys all have field trips coming up.  The twins are going to a pumpkin and apple farm.  Michael is going to Chicago, and Logan to Detroit.  The trips are so expensive here, but its all worth it. 

Every time I think of the move we made, I feel so sure that we did the right thing coming here.  The school has more money, and more people backing it up, and therefore can provide what the boys need to be successful.  It provides them with the tools they need to be the best that they can possibly be.  They needed this change.  They seem to really like it.  They dont even mind the dress code.  I havent heard one complaint about it yet.

Nicks new job is going well.  I think its pretty boring for him, but he dosnt complain too much..Not at all really.  Our schedules are completely opposite.  I work monday, tuesday, and thursday nights.  He is home with the boys.  On wednesday, and friday nights when i am home, he has school.  we see each other a little during the middle of the day, and when i get home from school.  He has school on saturday mornings also, so i dont see him on that day till after he gets out, or if im working, when i get home from work.  i work most sundays.  its rough, and i dont like being away from my family that much, but i really do like my job.

I have had some self confidence issues lately.  That is really unusual for me.  Part of it is fueled by outside influences, but most of it is my own doing.  My own insecurities sometimes show through.

I have been looking into the possibilities of freelance writing.  I have no degrees, or experience, so this may be something that is just a fantasy to me, but its worth a try.  I was good at it once before, and I am positive that I could be again with some practice.  I love to write, I just havent been mentally challanged in so long.

So anyway, I am off to get some stuff done before i have to head to work tonight.

Thursday, September 30, 2010


I am so irritated this morning, and I dont really know why..  Well, yes I do.  It seems like every morning all I do is nag the boys.  I feel like a broken record.  As I am sure most parents do.  But lately it seems to be worse.  They have laundry baskets right now to the dressers, but yet, there are clothes all over the floor every day.  And I find clean clothes in the dirty laundry.  I am tired of that crap.  Last night i went into the playroom, only to find it a disaster area.  There were clothes shoved in toy boxes, paper wadded up all over..I was mad as hell.  I dont know what to do to change it.  I am only here with them 2 nights a week.  I dont want to spend those 2 nights being the nagging parent all the time.  I dont get quality time with them that way.

Anyway.  I work tonight, then I have a 3 day weekend.  I love the weekends that I get to spend with the boys. It is much needed time that I dont always get with them these days.  We have some plans, and I am getting pretty excited about it.

Nick got a job.  I am pretty excited about it.  I dont know if he is or not.  He dosnt show alot of emotion, so its kinda hard to read him on that stuff sometimes.  It isnt his dream job, but it is a job that will pay some bills. 

I still have thoughts of getting a 2nd job.  Ok well I have a 2nd job, I clean a house every other week, so i guess it would be a 3rd.  I am here during the day, 4 days a week. I could be out making money those days, while the kids are in school.

I dont know if I posted or not, but the Ex finally gave me the title to the other van.  So now I need to decide what to do with it.  The apartments dont want it parked here, I have no place to store it.  I am thinking of just taking it to be junked, but its still a decent van, and I hate the idea of doing that.  Someone out there needs an inexpensive vehicle, and they are hard to find.  Maybe I should donate it.  I dont know..  All I know is i need to figure it out soon, because its parked in the in laws garage, and it cant stay there.

I have taken tons of pictures lately, and I never put them on the computer so that I can post them.  I am really bad about that. Maybe I will work on that today.  I am so far behind on pics, I think i even still have the ones from the wedding on there.  I have taken some great pics of the boys lately.

We found  a skate park that they really seem to love.  The bug all the time to go there.  I need to get them some scooters or something.  they arent good on skates, or boards.  they dont seem comfortable without a handle to hold onto.  its so strange.  i remember being so active at that age, skating, and not really getting bored that easily.  And they dont have alot of coordination, and are ALWAYS bored. 

I am in serious need of some friends.  I am not always a good friend, with 4 kids and a job I often just dont have the time.  But I am tired of not really having any.  I thought once we moved here I would have an easier time making them.  But honestly, i dont get along with most women.  They annoy the hell out of me.  Maybe I have just become an antisocial person?  I didnt think I had, but I dont know.  Most nights I would rather just be home.  I am not good at meeting new people, I get intimidated, and overwhelmed so easily.

So logan has an appointment with his doctor next tuesday.  We are transfering his case from a neurologist to his regular doc.  She had put him on meds, but I dont like giving him meds from a doctor that it takes 3 months to get into, even when there are health concerns.  So his regular doctor will be evaluating him, and we will go from there.  Is it the right move to make? I dont really know.  But we will find out.  He has no signs of seizure activity anymore, and I get the feeling we wont be seeing them again.

Michael and logan both have eye appointments.  I am pretty sure Michaels sight is fine.  But at the last well child check up, Logan failed the eye exam almost completely.  So glasses it is for him again im sure.  He had some before to correct tired eyes, but they said his sight was fine.  It dosnt seem to be that way anymore.  Its something he will learn to live with.

So, I am off to drink my coffee, and do my laundry...Have a good day blogger world

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I am back :)

Did you miss me? I am not even sure who reads this, but hopefully my long absence hasnt lost everyone who does.

I would like to say that my busy life has kept me from blogging, but really I think I just had no interest in writing for a while.  Well, and I have been busy also.

I have an extra day at work now.  It was added on because the other girl is back in school.  I love the extra hours, but I really miss my boys.  I work 3 nights a week, and 1 daytime shift.  It gets a little crazy around here. On the weeks that the kids go to their dads house, I only see them Wednesday nights.  I dont like that so much.  But I figure if I hang in there long enough, it will pay off.  I have been at my job for 10 months, and I still like it just as much as I ever did.  I enjoy the people I work with, and my bosses are really great.  I can see myself working there for a long time.

Nick has been laid off for the season.  It sucks, and I am kinda freaked out about the money situation, but its not the end of the world.  He has done some interviews, and I have no doubt he will find something soon enough.  Hopefully it is something he enjoys instead of just something that will pay the bills.

The boys seem to really like their new school.  Of course its still school, so they have some complaints, but in the end, they seem to enjoy themselves.  They come home happy instead of stressed.  This new school really pushes them to reach for the stars..They teach them its cool to be smart.  The boys have homework almost every night.  We have been working hard on spelling words, and reading.  I think this new start is exactly what they needed.  They are being challanged in every aspect of their lives.  We have decided not to put them in sports or anything extra this year.  They need to focus on catching up as much as possible.  So, it is all about school for them right now. 

My biggest issue with the new school so far, is the lack of bus routes .  Its car pool all the way.  We take them, and pick them up every day. Traffic is so congested, but for the most part, the school seems to handle it well.  The parents dont always.

Nick and I are doing well.  We are enjoying being a married couple, and taking in all the moments we can.  Nick has taken up golf, and disk golf.  He actually joined a league for disk golfing and seems to really love it.  His last day is next week.  Then it will start back up in the spring.

We are still loving being in Kalamazoo.  I really dont miss Bangor.  It felt like such a trap to me.  There were no jobs, and not a lot to do.  It takes me 10 minutes to get to work, and I never really lack anything to do.  There is so much here.  I could do without living on the 3rd floor of course.  But we dont get any noise from above us at all.

the boys really enjoyed summer.  We spend alot of time at the pool, I tried to keep them as busy as possible.

It is crazy hot here right now, and our air conditioner keeps freezing up.  so its really warm in the apartment.  I am tired of being hot, im ready for fall weather.  I want to be able to go outside and be comfortable.  I am sooo over the humidity!

Well enough for now, I hope I updated back soon

Sunday, August 8, 2010


I have just finished a longer week at work then I am use to, and I am exhausted.  I work today, then have tomorrow off, and work the next 5 days after that.  Will make for a couple of good paychecks, thats for sure.  Good thing seems how I still need a car.  If anyone knows of one nearbye that is inexpensive, but reliable, please let me know.  I really am in desperate need of something.

Yesterday, Nick got up early and went fishing with his dad and nephew.  I think this is the first time he has gone this summer.  He had a good time.  I stayed home and just pampered myself a little, had some quiet time (too much of that lately).  After he got home, we went looking around at cars, but really didnt find anything under 3k.  That is kind of frustrating.  You use to be able to find a halfway decent car for cheap, but now you just cant.  After that, we went to a coworkers 25th anniversary party.  That was fun.  we stayed for a couple of hours, then it was time to go to our next adventure.  We went to ribfest, had some food, and watched The Verve Pipe.  It was a good show.  They did a lot of kids songs though.  Too bad the boys werent with us.  They would have enjoyed it alot.

It didnt use to bother me to go into crowds like that.  But everyone seems to think the only way they can have a good time is to get stone cold drunk, and spill their drinks all over you.  I cant even count how many times I got pushed around by some drunk dumbass.  I like a drink now and then too...but damn.

Things are really good lately.  I have been having some insecurity issues, but I am working on that.  I often feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Some new bomb that I have to deal with.  Sometimes I feel like I am holding my breath, or walking on eggshells, just to stop those kind of things from happening. 

Some friends of ours are moving today.  I am so happy for them.  They are moving out of a trailer park they hate, and into a nice neighborhood.  Nick is there helping them move today, while I am at work.  I hope I can go see there place, and maybe help do a little unpacking tonight.  We will see.  I cant wait to see it all set up.

We are thinking when our lease is up, that we will start looking for a house to rent.  We like where we are living, but top floor is hot, and carrying stuff up is a pain.  We took the apartment, because at the time we felt we had no choice.  I do love it, but by then I am pretty sure we will be ready for a house.  Hopefully when the time comes, there will be some decent ones available.

This next week is another heavy work week.  Not heavy like some of you work, but heavier then I am use to.  I love all the extra hours.  Next weekend will be busy also, as will the weekend after that.  Next weekend we have a party to go to on Saturday, after I get out of work, and then Sunday, and bday party to go to.  Lately it seems we are never home.

Well, I am off to try to find something to do.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

a mash of things

I have been slacking off in my blogging for a while now.  I really enjoy doing it, but I just havent had the time it seems.  Or maybe I just didnt really have anything interesting to say.  Maybe  Anyway, things are going good.  Marriage is wonderful.  Nick is everything I could ask for, and more.  I never thought I could be this lucky in love.  But I am.  Mushy I know, but its how I feel.  Being married to him is everything I always thought marriage should be. 

The boys are doing great.  Summer school will be over in 3 days.  The twins are happy about that.  They arent liking it too much this time around, but I think its because Michael and Logan arent going.  Logan was suppose to go, but instead they put him on a waiting list.  And he was the one that needed it the most.  They will all be spending about 3 weeks with their dad this month.  I dont like the idea of them being gone so much, but he hasnt had a lot of time with them this summer, and it will be better for us financially for daycare.  I cant afford to pay a babysitter so much for the rest of summer.  And I think it will be good for them to spend some extra time with  him.  Well kind of good anyway.  If i get them back acting like a bunch of monkeys im gonna be pissed :)  And I am pretty sure that is how they will be. 

My job is going well.  I still like  I get some extra hours this month.  I need them.  My van is dying.  I cant drive it.  And the ex still wont give me the title, so it isnt even legal to drive.  Nick and I have decided to try to find me something else.  Somethng that will be in our names.  I have been having to bum rides, and borrow the work car just to get to and from work.  I hate that I have to do that.  it really does suck.  I am not sure how we will get a vehicle.  We cant get a loan, so we will have to save somehow.  Relly we just need someone to take a chance on us. 

So, Nick got a bit of a promotion at work.  Nothing huge, but it was exciting for us anyway!  He was moved to full time 30 and got a raise.  When layoffs start in the fall, he wont be one of the first to go.  And he will be one of the first to call back in the spring.  He dosnt love his job, but as far as I know, he dosnt hate it either. 

It has been so hot in the apartment.  the air goes full time, full blast, and its still hot up here at the end of the day.  Thats the biggest draw back of living on the top floor.  but it will be nice in the winter, our heating bill should be really low.  Oh, and carrying groceries up to the top floor isnt the funnest either, but I have learned that the boys are really good at  i do love living in town.  Its so much better.  things are more convenient.  If I still lived in Bangor, my van breaking down would be the end of my working.  And that would be bad.  We had a problem getting maintanance here for a while, but they took care of the situation.

Michael had his 12th bday a couple of weeks ago.  I cant believe next year I will be the mother of a teenager.  I dont feel old enough for that!  Time just flies so fast.  Logan is getting ready to turn 10, and the twins 8.  I miss them being little.  I didnt get to really enjoy them as babies, and now I look back at it all, and it makes me sad.  I would like another, but its not possible, and that is rough on me.  i have dreams all the time that I am having another one.  I am ready for babies now, and I wasnt so much before, and now its too late.

so, i need to get off here, and get a few things done before its time for me to go to work.  this week is gonna kick my ass.  Im not use to  I know I need to post some wedding pictures on here, but if you have me on facebook, then you have seen them.  I will do that as soon as I can.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I am Married!

Sorry my posting kinda took a vacation for a bit.  The last month of planning before the wedding was crazy busy...Anyway, we are married, and so dang happy...
Photobucket A picture of our first dance!

It was a fairytale day, and im so in love with my husband :)  It was great to have our friends and family there to help us celebrate this life together, and to watch us make that lifelong commitment to each other.  Lots of pictures were taken, but im at work, so i dont have access to them.  I will post some later, or  you can see the ones my friend jessica took on facebook.

So a couple of days before the wedding Jessica flew in from TN.  It was so amazing having her here with us.  I miss her so much. 

Our families and wedding party were so helpful in getting stuff done, its amazing how people come together like that..i am so grateful for them all.

The twins are in summer school..Logan was suppose to be, but they put him on a waiting list instead.  Dosnt make me very happy for sure.  He is the one that needed it the most. But there is nothing I can do at this point.  They will do well in their new school next year i am sure of it :)

The kids arent going to their dads house every other week this summer.  Not with them being in summer school.  its better for them this way anyway.  Last school year they started out way behind because he dosnt make them do anything that takes thought while they are there.  Everything they learned just kinda fades away after they spend half the summer with him.

I bought a van from my ex husband last November.  He still wont give me the title.  he wants me to get the plates renewed in his name for some reason, and i wont do it.  so i am driving on expired plates, because he wont give me the title.  If he wont, im gonna have to find a way to come up with a car.  something that will get me back and forth to work.  i dont know what his issue is with the van, i paid for it, its mine, he needs to give me the title so i can make it legal.  i cant find the reciept anywhere, but i took money off his child support for it..the damn thing is pretty sure its  his one last attempt to try and control the situation, but it wont work.  i will find a way to get something else to drive if i have to sell half my stuff to do it .  i am tired of him, and his holier then thou attitude.

anyway, nick is still working the same job, and going to school.  and now he is playing disk golf, and sometimes regular golf.  he is a busy man these days.

I  had 2 weeks off for the wedding, and i came back to work yesterday.  I am glad to be back.  i like working.  the store is still not very busy though.   so there isnt alot to do around here, but i have no doubt that things will pick up soon.  especially once school starts back up.

My mom got into an accident about 2 weeks before the wedding.  it totaled her car.  she spun it during a bad storm on her way home to work, and it hit the guard rail.  if she hadnt hit the rail, she would have flipped it..her seatbelt busted, and she was bruised up pretty bad.  there are times where she is still really stiff from it.   I am so glad nothing more happened to her.

I am sure i have more to talk about, but im drawing a blank right now, so i will have to come back later.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


I am not so great about making up titles these days, so bear with me as I just put the date :)

I am so wore out, and cranky lately, and I feel really bad about it.  It seems like I am constantly moving, I have barely seen the boys, and I am running out of time with this wedding planning stuff.  My mom and I had a fight, but thats over now, and I am not sleeping well.  Even if I take pills I dont sleep well.  I am sure it is just stress, but I am exhausted.  I need some rest.

There is still so much to do.  Tomorrow I have to go and apply for the marriage liscense.  I cant get the linen service to call me back, so I have no linens to cover the tables at the reception hall.  I have no chairs, at all, for the ceremony.  Not even sure if i really have the money for those things.  The cake is settled thank goodness, and i just know it will look beautiful.  My mom has designed it, and i just know she did a wonderful job.  She is classy like that.  She is way better at designing things then I am, thats for sure.  I swear I dont have a decorating bone in my

The third girl that works at our store comes back in a few days, thank goodness.  My hours will go back to normal.  I am thankful for all the extra hours I have gotten over the last 4 weeks or so, but with all the extra, I only see the boys 1 night a week, and i dont deal well with that at all.  I miss them terribly, and I feel aweful not being there for them like I should be.  Maybe I will get lucky and have some more daytime hours.  I can hope anyway. 

So like I said before, in the process of making a better me, I  have really made some people unhappy.  I dont know why, or how, but I just have.  My friend Erin helped me to see that it really was ok.  She is part of my rock sometimes I swear.  She is the reason I started this, I have made some changes to better myself, and some people just arent coming along for the ride, and I am sorry for that.  There really is nothing I can do to make them better understand that this is what I need.  I want more then anything to be the best mom I can possibly be.  I wasnt always there for my boys, and I am doing what I need to do now to raise, happy, healthy, strong boys.  I resent the fact that 5 years ago I was too busy to be a mom.  When logan was born i went back to work, and was gone 11 hours a day, besides doing the construction business also.  It didnt leave me much room to be a mom.  Then when the twins were little, we had the apartments, and the construction company, and once again, i wasnt there for them.  And we threw a lot of parties.    That part of my life is over.  I am moving on in so many ways, that people feel left behind.

I have basically stopped drinking.  I still have a drink now and then, but I dont go overboard.  I dont even like to really.  I hate the way it makes me feel, and I hate how long it takes my body to recover.  I dont mind that the people around me drink, I have no problem with that at all.  I just dont center my life around it.  If I have one it is usually random, not planned.  I rarely drink anything more then a single drink maybe 2 in front of my boys.  I want them growing up knowing that in moderation it is ok once in a while.  I dont want them to see me falling on my ass :)  It is a choice I have made, and it is my choice to make.  Plain and simple.  Some advice from my G-ma a few years ago, brought me to this decision.

My life is centered around my children, life is short, and they are growing fast, and when I make plans, its usually when them in tow.  I am a mom first.  As it should be.  My nights are filled with homework, dinner, chores, reading time, outside play, bath time, and bedtime.  Beyond that and work during the week, I dont really have time for anything else.  I spend most of my spare time around people who dont mind them being around, and possibly making a little mess.  They clean it up.  But they are kids, and they will make a mess.  Not deliberatly, but its bound to happen.

So in my quest to be a better me, I feel stronger, and more spiritual then I have ever been.  I stick up for myself, and that irritates people.  I was the "nice" one in just about every situation, and I think I am past that phase.  It is very hard for some people to take, others are proud of me for it.  The ones that are unhappy are the ones that were use to me being a pushover.  The ones standing behind me are the ones tired of seeing me walked all over.  Chose whatever side you wish to be on.

I am thinking of volunteering some of my time in an office during the day when the kids are in school, and I dont have to work.  I know its adding more to my plate, but I dont plan to do it till after the wedding.  It will be at a place that provides free services to people who really need it.  Something like that would really make me feel good.  I like helping others, and I just feel the need to do it. 

The fact that I dont really have a college education, or a career has really been bothering me lately.  I would really like to go back to school and make something of myself.  My past educational loans are what holds me back.  So after the wedding I will be working on getting those paid off.  I really want to make my boys and Nick proud of me.  I would like for my mom to see me succeed.  It is just very important to me.

So 30 days from today I will be a married woman.  I have absolutely no hesitations at all.  I am so very excited about it all.  It just feels perfect.  I have squashed the idea of me having a bachelorette party.  I didnt really want one in the first place, so I decided not to have one.  Nick is having a bachelor party, im not at all excited about it, but I guess they all feel its a rite of passage or something.  Whatever.  I want to celebrate that we are getting married, not my single days.  Those were behind me when I said yes to the proposal.  I honestly dont look back on them too fondly anyway.   

We have gotten alot of replies back, the guest list grows every day.  I am looking foreward to seeing everyone.  We are working on the ceremony, and the things we want in it.  I have found a few things that i really like.  I cant wait to walk down the aisle, and see him in his tux.  And i cant wait to see my boys in suits...they are gonna look so adorable!  And my mom and gma will look so beautiful!

I know this is a really long update.  I guess I just had a heck of alot to say :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


The last few days have been a super emotional rollercoaster...Ive tried to be understanding, and grateful, and not say anything, but I am done.  I cant do it.

In my quest to be a better mother I have apparently made someone very angry.  In fact, I had the joy of being called a liar, and miss perfect. 

Now, what I lied about..I will just lay it all out for you.  I am not ashamed of it.  After my ex husband and i separated, I let him mortgage the house the boys and I were living in.  I trusted him to do right by the boys, so I said, ok.  Right around the time the mortgage went through, the divorce stuff started, and I seen the mistake I had made.  I was embarassed, and ashamed that I put myself in that situation.  A situation that could possibly leave us without a home.  In that time, i kept being told what i should and shouldnt do, by a very important person in my life.  I felt like i just couldnt talk to this person about it, because they were being so judgemental.  So basically I just agreed with everything they said, and it lead to a lie.  I said the house was mine.  It really was the biggest mistake i feel i have ever made.

well, during an arguement (caused by a wedding cake conversation), i got the joys of having that thrown back in my face.  I have made some mistakes, and i dont always handle things the way i should.  But i am not the same person i was 4 years ago.  And i cant take back the fact that i wasnt honest about it.  Apparently me apologizing just didnt mean anything.  Not to mention the status of my house really was non of their business..

I dont understand why every aspect of my life has to be put under a microscope by someone who is suppose to stand by and just be there.  Especially when this person is not perfect either

Well things have changed.  I rarely drink, because I dont want to have my children grow up in that environment.  I went through a time 4 years ago, where i partied a lot.  i am over that.  I am not that person anymore.  I seen what it was doing to my life, so i changed it.  Becuase i dont argue in front of my children i am "trying to be miss perfect"...i am working on being the best me i can be. and that makes some people very unhappy.  i will not apologize for that. 

I dont understand how me trying to better myself is such a letdown for this person.

the words thrown at me the other day cut as deep as any knife could, and i am done.  it will not happen again, because i will not allow it.  Stop asking questions that are none of your business.

I work 3 nights a week most weeks...and often weekends.  so the time i have is for my children, and future husband.  whome i rarely see these days because of our opposing schedules.  i have a home to take care of, and 4 boys, and a job.  it dosnt leave me with alot of time.  I try to make plans with the boys and them, but i get turned down if it involves taking children.  so unless the kids can come, most of the time i wont be able to go, and might possibly not be willing to.  i will rarely find a babysitter just to go hang out.  My time i get to spend as a mom is very important to me.

I am not changing back into the person i was before.  That was a person that left me feeling very unhappy.  My children, and future husband will come first.  As it should :)

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Its a Sunday and I am sitting here at work with no customers, so I thought I would take some time to get this blog updated.  Hopefully when things settle down a bit, I will be able to keep up with it more.

It was right around a year ago that Nick came home from the Army for good.  I am so grateful that he is here.  I dont know where my life would be without him in it.  I am honestly so glad not to have to share him with the Army anymore.  I am proud of what he did, but I am glad that part of our lives is over.  3 years apart was long enough for me.

We had another Neurology appointment for logan last Monday.  He was diagnosed as ADHD.  3 years after his really bad seizure, and they are finally coming up with something.  That seizure changed something in  him, and I had known it for a long time.  So at least we can move foreward from here, and start looking into all of our options for him.

Steven and dominic are all signed up for summer school.  They need it to pass.  They are that far behind.  I am upset about it, I just dont know what to do.  I work nights, so its not like I can be there to make them study and stuff.  I have always made them do their homework, and they dont miss alot of school...So i dont know what is going on with them.  It is frustrating.

Since the move I feel like I have had no time to just be a little lazy.  It seems like we are on the go so often.  But I think its because of the wedding.   We are getting closer for sure.  The planning is draining, especially since it has turned out to be a little bigger then I planned.  We have already started to get replies back, and I think we will have a good turn out. 

Work is going good.  I just finished my certification process for printer we will see if i passed or not.  I realy hope I did.  It was a process that made me feel way under educated.  I love my job.  Things are starting to pick up here, so I dont sit idle so often.  Except Sundays.  I am not a huge fan of working nights.  But im not really complaining either.  Not too much just dont like being away from the boys this often.

I am so grateful to everyone who has helped in the planning of this wedding.  My maid of honor, and my bridesmaid have been so helpful.  and my mom and future in laws have been amazing.  So in case i forget to mention it, I appreciate it all.  I really do

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

59 days

Life is great.  There are so many things going on right now, it seems like we are always so busy. It will be nice when we can have things slow down just a little bit.

So things are coming along for the wedding.  I had every intention of keeping a seperate blog for that, but i just didnt have the time to set it all up.  Invitations are in the process of being addressed, and stamped.  I picked up my dress the other day.  That is all done, it just has to be steamed 2 weeks before the wedding.  Bambis dress is done.  Ramiah's will be..

The apartment is coming along.  There is so much to do to keep it looking nice, that i havent had a chance to unpack anything more.  We got a grill.  we couldnt use the old one because we cant use charcoal on the deck.  its still sitting in its box in the living room because neither one of us has had the time to put it together.

The boys are liking it more and more here.  they are making friends, and are doing good in school.  they like that at any time they can go outside, and there is someone to play with.  i think socially it is so very good for them.

work is going good.  I just went through a printer services training.  So soon i can be certified in that.  I have lots of hours next month because one of our girls is going to Ireland.  So we are splitting  her hours up.  It works out perfect, i get extra hours the month before the wedding.  I needed that.

Nick isnt really liking his job all that much.  But he isnt looking for anything different, so it must not be too dont hate it as far as i know, but not in love with it either.

We dont get to spend much time as a family these days.  its frustrating at times, but its all about working towards a good future.  Providing consistency for these boys.

 I wouldnt be so stressed about it, if we would just get some damn child support.  but im not sure when that will happen.  I am getting irritated about it.  it would be different if he would pay 100 bucks here or there, but nothing..absolutely nothing.  until the courts tell him he has to.  he goes to court next month.  i dont know how he can be so far behind, and hardly ever go to court.  but whatever.  that time will come where i get that money, or he sits in jail.  not that i want that to happen.

I love being in the city.  it suits me well.  i love being closer to things, and having access to so many different places,without having to drive a half hour to get there.  I dont miss bangor at all.  I miss some of the people, but not that town.  i never really belonged, or fit in there.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

a few things

I am sitting here at work with not much of anything to do.  Its a Sunday, and often like this, so i figured i would update :)

School went good for the boys last week.  They have less complaints about it all.  I think they are just finally getting use to it, and not so freaked out about a new place.  They have parent/teacher conferences next week, but i work that day, so i wont be able to go.  the are already suggesting summer school for Steven, and i am sure the rest will follow.  i am not surprised.  they are behind the other kids.  but thats ok, i see nothing wrong with summer school.  in fact, i think its good for them.

they seem to be adjusting well to apartment living.  They like the fact that no matter when they go outside, there is always someone other then each other to play with.  i am happy about that.  They act happier then they were before.  its so hard to explain.

i will be starting some training next week to get a certification.  i am really excited about this.  Its a printer services certification, and will be good for me.  i am nervous because my memory sucks. but i think i will do ok.

Our wedding invitations came in last week...they look step closer to the day.  We also found a place, well chris and randy did, for the rehersal dinner.  i have been trying to coordinate days to meet with the person doing our cake, but it seems almost impossible.  I pick up my dress on Friday, and the girls already have theirs.  my mom and gma got their clothes for the day all  hemmed up and ready to go.

the boys went to their aunt jennifers on friday night, for their cousins birthday party.  they were pretty excited about it, they hardly ever get to see them.  she brought them home, and i got to see her oldest son.  I cant believe how big he is.  i think he is taller then me.  Its sad sometimes, these people that were once my family, i never get to be near them.  not the adults, but the kids.  i miss the kids.  the ones i called nephews.  its hard not being that to them anymore.  But thats what happens in divorce.

i let go of something today.  When nick first deployed, i joined an online support forum to help me get through it.  the women are wonderful, and the friendships i have made are amazing.  recently that all changed, and i just had to let it go.  not for good im sure, but for now, at least.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Bad blogger...yeah thats me.  i cant seem to find the time to keep this thing as updated as I use to.  So, WOW! I just noticed I have 42 people following my blog!  Thats wonderful.  I love to write, so if you love to read, come on over and read about my life.  I dont really post anything too interesting, i kinda use this as my journal.  But I am glad to have people that want to read about me.

Today I took the enrollment packets to the boys new school.  Thats right folks, they are changing schools!  They got accepted into a charter academy, and i am so grateful for that.  More discipline, and my oldest who is autistic dosnt have to go to the public middle school here, and that makes me very happy.  I dont see anything wrong with the schools here, in fact they are farther along then the one they came from.  But i dont think my boys are ready for such big schools. 

The kids are adjusting to the move well.  We had an issue that is hopefully taken care of .  When they go to their dads  house every other weekend, it seems all they do is tell him the negative stuff, and of course he is concerned.  well, there isnt all that much negative stuff going on, but every little thing they arent use to becomes this huge issue..  yes, my boys are drama queens.   but i think they dont want to make daddy feel bad that they might actually like it.  I dont know.  either that, or they are playing us against each other.

Logan told his grandma F. that he went to the hospital for testing, and that they found something on his brain that they need to cut off.  first, he went in for an EEG, to see if there was any seizure activity.  there is not :) and they found nothing else either.  That child is my story teller..ugh.

So, D still hasnt payed any child support.  I am getting so tired of him acting like he is king of my world, and he does this crap.  We are living ok at this point because we paid the rent 3 months ahead, but what will happen when thats done and over.  I dont make alot, and neither does Nick.  So what then.. He has to go back to court because of back pay, and I wonder what they will do this time.  Let him pay a small amount, and wait another 5 months to see anything else? COME ON! he can buy pop, and games, and movies, and all that other stuff, but he cant even put 50 bucks towards his kids support? since when is it ok to do that?

anyway, work is picking up, so things are a little busier.  The owners just hired an outside sales person, so maybe i will have some quotes to work on soon.  They are also looking into getting me certified to fix printers.  its an online class, then a test, and if i pass i am certified.  i am kind of nervous about it because i am not a good test taker.  I worked at the other store 1  night last week, and it was so great to be busy almost the whole time i was there.  I work during the day on Wednesdays now too.. So its nice I am home 3 nights out of the week to cook dinner for the boys :)

I really love our new place.  I dont have alot to complain about when it comes to that.  there are a few things i would change, but other then that, its great living so close to town.  I dont like dragging my groceries up to the 3rd, thats a trip.  especially for a family of 6!  but i love the fact that i can open the windows and there is most likely a breeze that will flow through the apartment because we are up higher.  Oh, and ilove having a hot shower whenver i want! that is sooo great!  i got alot of unpacking and cleaning done yesterday.  basically i worked my butt off!  the main bathroom looks amazing, and the living room looks great.

Nick bought the boys some bunk beds, so their rooms seem alot less crowded then they did before.  they have been pretty good about keeping the play room clean.  yesterday we went and fed the ducks at the park.  That is always fun.  I love the big park we have close to us.

I get new glasses next week! I am so excited.  i have had the same glasses for almost 7 years.  i will be able to see again, and will have an updated set of frames.  mine are pretty oldschool compared to the new styles they have out.

Monday, April 5, 2010

first day in new school

The first day of the boys new school went well.  I took them in the morning, and they rode the bus home.  Steven and Logan were exited, Michael and Dominic were a little more nervous.  They seemed to really like their teachers, and they loved the bus ride home.  They are on the first stop, so they dont have to sit on the bus for too long.  They had homework today.  I think they may struggle a bit.  Logan said they are way ahead in math then what he was doing in Bangor.  I am a little worried about that kind of stuff.  I knew they were behind, but i didnt know how much.  Logan struggles pretty bad with reading, and now he is doing spelling words that a way more advanced then he is use to.  We are going to have to work extra hard on his reading, and writing.  Michael didnt have too much to say.  He talked about about his science teacher, so he must like him.  I really hope they have summer school here.  I think the boys need it to catch up, and it will be good to keep them busy this summer.

Things are coming along in the apartment.  I finally was able to take some time and unpack more of our bedroom.  The unpacking seems to be taking so long.  Im tired of seeing the boxes.  But mostly tired of not having anything where it should be.  We have both been working, and dealing with other stuff.  So it just isnt happening as fast as we would like.  I think maybe we need to get rid of some more things.  I dont want to, but i think it is needed.  Or we just need to get things organized.  We have a lot of blankets, too many.  But i hate to get rid of them, because it seems like each one of them means something, and im not sure I am willing to give them up.  Maybe if someone needed them I might feel better about it.

Work is going well for me.  I am still really loving this job.  My bosses make me feel like what I am doing is important to them, and its rare that you find a job like that.  I get along well with my coworkers, and that helps alot.  I am learning alot more too.  Soon i will be learning about how to drum up more business.  It will get me outside the store this summer, and i will like that.  I am still kind of nervous about it, but I think after the first couple of times I will be ok with it.  I will be getting some daytime hours once a week for this month, and also working at the other store a little.  It is busier there, so I will get some more experience.  It is important to me that I know my job well, so I will be grateful for the busier times.

We got our wedding invitations ordered on Friday.  One step closer to wedding day!!!!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


Today Nick started a new job.  And although its something he isnt really all that intersted in, it is the kid of job that he can have till he finds something with better pay, and in his line of work.  He gets out of work pretty early...that will be really nice in the summer.

I took the boys to sign up for school.  The principal was extrememly nice.  They got to tour the school,and meet all their teachers.  I really think they are gonna love it.  the hours of school are 1 hour later then where they were going, so they wont have to get up so dang early.  the school talked about how much they push reading, writing, and math.  I think that is so important.  the boys are so behind in their reading, and its very frustrating.  They were never held responsible for not doing their homework, or anything like that at the other school.  Logan cant read well, and maybe he wont ever, but that dosnt mean they should give up on him.

Nick and I are gonna lay out a schedule for them, so they have some reading time every night.  i think that is really important.

we arent done unpacking yet.  we still have lots to do.  mostly kitchen and clothes, but also some other odds and ends that we arent sure what to do with.  we may just have to freecycle them, or take them to goodwill.  we just dont have enough storage space to have a bunch of stuff we hardly ever use.  nick and his brother went yesterday and picked up the last of our stuff at the house.  he forgot to check the mail though, so im gonna have to make a trip back there to do that. 

I havent heard from the boys dad since we moved, or his girlfriend.  i usually get a text or call every few days.  its nice not to hear from them.  i have to set up how transportation for visitation is going to work.  people keep telling me to make him come get them, but i dont expect h im to do all the driving, unless he makes it an issue.  i will meet him halfway, but if i have to wait more then 15 minutes past the time he is suppose to be there, then i will go home and he can bring them all the way home.  i am not playing that game anymore.  i have more important things to do with my time then always be waiting for him.  so thats how its gonna be..

i find now that im not living in a house he has control over that i feel more free..and i can make some rules of my own, and not be afraid of him not paying the house payment.  i dont count on his child support anymore, because he barely ever pays it, so when he does, it is like a bonus.  we are doing it without his help.  it makes me mad, but what can i do.  i can just wait till he has to go to court and they tell him to pay up.  its frustrating, because the boys deserve better then that.  all i can do is do whats best for them.  and i have been doing that.

Monday, March 22, 2010

We have moved!

YES! Moving day has come and gone, and we are settled into our new place.  I am loving it.  we havent done alot of exploring of the neighborhood yet, but we are thrilled with this place.

We moved on Saturday, we had tons of help, and I am so grateful for that.  All of nicks family showed to help us move, and Mark and Bambi came and helped. My mom came to the apartment early and started dinner for us! It was a great day.  We started out at 8am, had the truck loaded and were on the road by 11:30.  We totally rocked this  We had the truck unloaded by 2pm.  It was amazing day, with lots of wonderful people.  They worked so hard that day.  I cant even begin to show enough gratitude for it all.

The difference in this is already noticable..Our allergies were really bad before, and now we wake up, and no coughing or weezing, or sick feeling.  there was so much dust and mold at the house that we were all really unhealthy.  Dominic was the worst, and he is fine now.  In just the few short days that we have been here his health has improved.

We basically have unlimited hot water!  before we could do one shower, then have to wait several hours to another.  and with 6 of us, that didnt work so well.  This place is bigger then our house was, so it dosnt feel so cluttered.  there is definitely more organization.

The boys are pretty happy about it.  The only thing so far that is an issue is the ability to go outside when they want.  to just walk out the door and ride bikes, or play in the back yard.  but once they get use to the complex they will be able to have a little more freedom

I enroll them in school on Wednesday.  i took them to the school playground today.  they loved it.  I talked to the principal today.  and we set up a time on wednesday to fill out paperwork, and tour the school.  i really think they will like it.  I think there will be alot more opportunity for us here.

we have to go back this week and get the rest of our stuff.  we got most of it, but there was a few random things that wouldnt fit anywhere, and we need to get those.  The tv for the playroom is there, and the boys are going

Nick has orientation at his new job tomorrow.  I am pretty excited that he got a job.  it isnthis dream, but that will come.  it is just gonna take some time.

I feel like this is a whole new start for all of us.  Nick didnt want to live in Bangor, and i didnt really either.  I dont live in a house that molds, and dust comes up from the crawlspace.  The kids have more opportunities.  And i am not under the heavy hand of my ex husband.  he has no say in what happens to this place.  it is mine and Nicks.  Not his.  It is such a free feeling.  Something we really needed.  a chance for us to start new.

I go back to work tomorrow.  it will be strange not having to drive all the way back to bangor after work.  i am gonna love it so much.  it only took Nick 45 minutes to get to school tonight.  that is awsome too.  he was pretty excited about that too.

im off to do more unpacking.  I still have a bunch to do.

Monday, March 15, 2010

4 days and a wake up :)

Thats how long it is untill we move.  We have been packing like crazy, and getting the kids prepared.  We have lots of people coming to help us on Saturday, so i think it will go smoothly.  hopefully fast too.   I cant believe its so soon, but yet, i cant wait for this week to be over. I dont want to be in this house anymore.  i am ready to move on.

I got the results of logans latest EEG, and it came back completely normal.  no seizure activity at all has shown up.  so now we have to figure out what is going on with him.  he is failing at school, and i dont know what more i can do.  we always do homework with him. he dosnt miss alot of school.  i just dont know

i got the boys school papers to help with the transfer process.  they are getting really excited about the move. they have been "helping" me pack.  they did well with their rooms. 

there is going to be alot of last minute stuff to do. Nick and i packed all day today, we got alot done, but there is alot more to go. and i work the next 3 nights, so not as much is going to get done.

i will update more after the move, right now my mind is just spinning and i cant think of everything i want to put

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

17 days and coutning down!

We move in 17 days!!!  I am getting so excited!  i cant believe its so close to moving day.  wow.  Nicks dad rented a Uhaul for us that day, so we wont have to make 20 trips back into Bangor to load more up.  we can just take everything at once :)  We got tons of packing done last weekend.  And more since then.  I am trying hard to really sort through stuff so that our new place isnt so cluttered. 

We sign our lease on the 18th o 19th.  So that Saturday we can start first thing in the morning!  wooohooooooo

I still havent found a home for Hannah yet.  I am getting frustrated by it.  She is a great cat, but I cant take her with.

Work is going great.  i get a good amount of hours.  i still dont like being away from the kids so much, but in the end it will all pay off.  And they deal with it well.  this is the last day their dad will be babysitting them while i work.  I am happy about that.  He is pulling some crap that i dont approve of.  He decided to talk to the boys about them staying with him till the end of the school year, instead of bringing it up with me first.  My answer stil would have been No.  I called him because i was mad he did that, and he said "i told them you would say no" and then hung up on me.  Then when i went to pick the boys up last night after work, he disappeared so he didnt have to confront me.  I am tired of the child like behavior.  And he dosnt need to confuse the kids that way.  ugh..I am so glad to be getting out of bangor :)  I wont be near him anymore.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

A few things

First I want to say that SG has lost a great sister.  One of the girls on our forum has passed away.  It is a sad day for sure.  Please keep Michelle's family in your thoughts as you go about your day.

So this is me saying goodbye to February.  SEE YA!  This it going to be a hard, and exciting month for me.  By the time its over i will be exhausted.  That I am sure of. We move in 19 days, not counting today.  I am really excited to be moving on.  Scared too.  I have to find a way to cut ties with my house. So I can move on emotionally.

Katie came over yesterday and helped us pack.  She helped alot! we wouldnt have gotten as far as we did without her help.  We tried to take her bowling as a thank you, but instead went to Arby's, then watched some movies.

We picked up a desk for each of the boys new rooms.  We got them for a really good price.  I just hope they arent too big for the rooms.

I have been sorting through so much stuff.  I cant believe how much we arent taking with us.  It will be nice though, to downsize.  I hate clutter!

I know there was more i wanted to say, ive been a bad blogger.  but i just cant think straight tonight

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Rapid Refill Fundraiser/Blanket Drive

The Rapid Refill in Kalamazoo  and Portage is doing a blanket drive for Kalamazoo Beacons Conference until the end of this month!  We are accepting new or gently used blankets, sheets, and pots and pans.  Also anything household related that you can spare.  Please stop in and see us on Westnedge Ave.(same plaza as Target), or West Main(near the corner of Drake and West Main).  When you bring in an item to donate, we will give you 10% off the price of a cartridge!!!!     We have donation boxes set up at both locations.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

So I realized today that I have been blogging for almost 3 years now.  I was looking back reading all my old posts, and there is so much emotion, and so much happening.

I was sad reading about the deaths in my family, and i had a racing heart reading about my feelings of Nicks deployment.  I cried over the posts about Logans seizure, and following appointments.

I found this:

i got this in a forewarded email, and wanted to post it here...i didnt write it, but i really liked it...

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too,

so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love

for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone

you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every

sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end,

be afraid that it will never begin.

I read posts about my anxiousness over the boys spending too much time away from me, and about money, and about their first days of school.

It amazes me how much my style of writing has changed.  I use to be a little more creative in this blog, and now I am not.  i will definitely have to work on that!  I use to make it so much more interesting, and these days it just dosnt seem that way..

anyway, looking through my old entries has made me remember so much of what Nick and I have gone through as a long distance couple.  i am so glad that he is home now.  I dont even want to imagine doing that all over again.  I missed him so much, but we got through it.  its just amazing to me that i didnt fall apart at the seams!

Saturday, February 13, 2010


I am trying so hard not to let everything going on right now stress me out.  But I dont think I am succeeding in doing all this stress free.  Every time I get this stressed my stomach starts to have issues.  Its like it all balls up in there or something.  I need to find a release for it soon. 

So Billy went to his new home on Thursday.  I balled like a baby, of course.  I cried before I took him, during, and after.  Who knew I was so attached to that cute little doggy.  Nick misses him too.  Its hard on us to have to do this.  Einstein went to his new home last night when I got home from work.  The couple that took him are really excited about having him.  Apperantly he reminds him of a kitty the wife had a long time ago.  He will be allowed to be an inside/outside kitty.   All we have left now are the two inside kitties, and I need to find homes for them soon.  I cant take the pressure of waiting for it.  If I  have to give them up, I need to do it soon, or I will lose the will to do it.

The people that lived in the apartment we are moving into have already moved out.  That means we can have the apartment sooner if we want, but I dont see that as a possibility for a few reasons.  First, money.  That would be the biggest reason.  Second, those would be some really stress filled days of packing, and Nick and I would like to do this as stress free as possible, its thats possible at all.  So we sign the papers on March 15th, that is the date the leasing agent set for us.  We plan to move some things that week, but mostly the weekend of March 20th.  That isnt very far away at all. 

I am excited and sad at the same time.  This is really hard for me.  I wanted to get out of Bangor, but not in this rushed type of way.  I am excited because this is a new start for us, one without the ex husbands fist bearing down on me.  The only ties we will have left are the boys, well, and child support when its paid.  It will be strange walking out of my home for the very last time.  MY home.  The home my boys have lived in for 11 years.

I have been working on sorting and downsizing.  Sometimes i just dont know what more i can get rid of.  It is a painful process, but cleansing also.  I have advertised things on freecycle, but so far no leads, except for the kitty.  If i cant get rid of stuff, its just going to stay there, unless we can find the time to take it to goodwill, or the salvation army.  We will see if it comes to that.

Saturday, February 6, 2010


I really couldnt think of a title for this, so i just put the date.  I am crafty that way :)

Things are moving foreward with the move.  We were officially approved for the apartment on Monday.  I am really excited about it.  Things have changed with the deposit though.  I am a little stressed about that, but it will all work itself out.  They dont like my credit, and honestly I dont really blame them.  It is bad.  After the wedding i will start fixing it.  Anyway, they want one months rent for the deposit, not too bad really.  The bad part is that they want us to pay 3 months rent up front.  That is pretty extreme.  Especially at this point in our lives.  But we will do it.  We have to do it.  We took the boys by there today, and showed them the apartment complex.  They are getting really excited about it.  They are especially excited that it has 2 pools and is so close to a really big park.

So the apartment becomes available the end of this month.  And they said they would hold it for us till the end of March if we need them to.  That is a bit of a relief.  It will give us extra time to come up with what we need.  i hope we can do it.

Work is going good, I worked this morning, then i have the next 2 days off.  It will be a nice little vacation.  I am learning how to clean and fix printers.  Tuesday I went with one of the guys to deliver product, and do some printer cleanings for some of our business customers.  I really enjoyed doing that.  One of the owners brought in a printer for me to start taking apart.  It will really help me to trouble shoot, and learn.  I am really looking foreward to learning all I can in this company :)

I am working a pretty full week next week.  I am really glad about it.  We need this right now.  The downside is I work on Valentines day.  But its only 5 hours of the day, so not too bad.  I like being there.

We havent found anyone to take the animals yet.  We have been offered a home for the outside kitty, and we might take that one up on the offer.  I think he will be well taken care of there.  We have decided we arent keeping any of them.  We were gonna keep the youngest, but i have family that cant really come over because of the cats, so we decided it was best to let them go.  It will be strange not having any animals, and i am going to miss them.  It will be sort of cleansing for us.  A complete new start.

I am not real excited about the boys going to kalamazoo public schools.  Not that i have anything against the school district.  They just arent use to such a big school.  I am afraid that with Michael being autistic, and Logan having trouble with learning, that it will be too much for them.  So we have an appointment to visit a charter school.  it will be a smaller, more controlled environment.  I really think that is important for them.

I have my final dress fitting in 3 weeks.  No more major alterations.  I am getting really excited about it all.  Its hard to believe i will be a married woman in less that 6 months.  i cant wait for it.  I am very lucky to have found "the one".  he is such a wonderful man.  I could go on about that all day, but my mushiness might gross  you out!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

update on moving

I keep writing a blog down on paper, then never get around to actually putting it on here.  I need to be better at that.  I use to keep it updated all the time.  Life just seems so busy right now.

Yesterday we went and put an application into some apartments in Kalamazoo.  It is 4 bedroom. 2 bath, with fireplace and washer dryer hookup.  And closets! omg I will have closets!  I am not excited about living in an apartment, especiall top floor, but all the other things outweigh that part.  We will be living close to the places we need to be several times a week(work for me, school for Nick), there will actually be some kids for the boys to play with.  We will be right down the road from a huge park! Where the boys can ride bikes, and feed ducks, and just be boys.

It will take me some time to get use to it.  But when I think of all the opportunities this could present us, I just get so excited about it.  I am nervous.  Especially when it comes to the money issue.    We still have the wedding to pay for, and now it will just make it that much more difficult.  But i have faith in us.  We will do it.  We will be ok.  There is no other choice as far as I am concerned.

The sad part is the animals.  We are giving up Hannah, Billy, Einstein, and the bird.  I will miss them so much.   Hannah was my lifeline when Nick was deployed.  My kitty kept me sane.  She made sure i wasnt lonely at night.  She snuggled up to me during TV time.  I will miss her so much.  Dont get me wrong, i will miss the others too, but her the most.  She has been my companion during some really hard times.  But it is for the best, and she will always be a great memory for me.  I just dont know how to handle seeing her go :(  We are keeping Molly.  We think she will be the most adaptable because she is the youngest one.  I am not sure what to do about Einstein.  He is not a happy kitty.  And i am really not sure he would be happy anywhere.  He is an inside/outside cat, and he is always miserable and grumpy.  Billy will be going to a home where they will take good care of him.  A place where the boys will still get to see him, and that makes me happy.  They love that dog.  I feel bad for Nick.  But i think apartment living just isnt for Billy.  He is too full of energy, and kinda  yappy.   This will be the hardest part.  Saying goodbye to our animals.  There just isnt any other way.

I have heard that the schools the boys will be going to are more advanced in math and reading, and I think that is really important.  The school they are in now has done really well for Michael, but i see the other 3 just falling through the cracks.  The teachers are great people, but the school system is just way too soft on discipline.  They dont get into any real trouble for not doing what they are told.   Not like we use to as kids.  They arent held accountable for any of their learning.  I love them being in a smaller school, but i dont see it benefiting them at all.  They have no friends to play with outside of school, and i hate the 'hood we live in.

It still dosnt feel real that we are moving so soon.  We should be able to move in end of February-mid March.  That is so close.  I have so much to do.  Packing, and sorting, and cleaning, and still planning a wedding.  The thought of it all is pretty overwhelming to me right now.  I have things to sell, and give away.  Things to toss.  Just 11 years worth of things, and I dont know where to start.  We have to downsize our lives from a house, to an apartment.  I know it will be a cleansing experience, but hard on the emotions too.

All in all things are coming along.  Fast

Thursday, January 14, 2010

bad blogger!

I have been such a bad Blogger lately.  I havent kept up with it at all.  Life has been so busy. 

We dont have a place to move to yet, but we are looking into some apartments.  I am not all that excited about apartment living, but i really think it will be good for us.  Bills will be less, and it has more space then my house.  Not to mention 2 full bathrooms!  i havent had more then one bathroom in a very long time!  So when money comes through like its suppose to then we will get that all taken care of.  I cant wait to move.  A fresh start

I am really loving work.  We arent real busy  yet, but we will be.  Last Saturday was a record day for the new store, and i had so much fun being busy.  And it is such a good feeling going home at the end of the day knowing you helped so many people. 

The kids had a great winter break from school.  they played outside alot, and vegged some.  but they were glad to go back to school, cuz they like that too.

There really dosnt seem to be anything to update.

The ex husband went to court Monday, and they told him to pay up on the child support.  i think he figured he would go in there and they would be sympathetic.  i didnt go to this court hearing for him.  I wasnt required to be there, and i didnt want to deal with him being all pissy with me.  i am not the one pushing for all of it, Friend of the court is.  its not like i go in there and bitch about it.  i havent talked to the courts once about it.  its out of my hands thank goodness.  i have nothing to feel bad about.  i am not doing anything wrong.  The only wrong i see being done, is raising these boys without the financial help of their father.  He was doing well making payments.  Maybe its my punishment for him having to go through the friend of the court.  i dont know.  then he never showed up last friday for his weekend with the boys.  i got no call or anything saying he wasnt taking them.  it was his weekend, i had them the weekend before.  but im not complaining, cuz it was more time i got to spend with them.

i have been pretty stressed out.  i dont make enough for rent payment.  Denny isnt paying child support, and they never called nick back to work.  I am a planner.  i need things laid out in front of me.