Thursday, May 27, 2010

5/27/10

I am not so great about making up titles these days, so bear with me as I just put the date :)

I am so wore out, and cranky lately, and I feel really bad about it.  It seems like I am constantly moving, I have barely seen the boys, and I am running out of time with this wedding planning stuff.  My mom and I had a fight, but thats over now, and I am not sleeping well.  Even if I take pills I dont sleep well.  I am sure it is just stress, but I am exhausted.  I need some rest.

There is still so much to do.  Tomorrow I have to go and apply for the marriage liscense.  I cant get the linen service to call me back, so I have no linens to cover the tables at the reception hall.  I have no chairs, at all, for the ceremony.  Not even sure if i really have the money for those things.  The cake is settled thank goodness, and i just know it will look beautiful.  My mom has designed it, and i just know she did a wonderful job.  She is classy like that.  She is way better at designing things then I am, thats for sure.  I swear I dont have a decorating bone in my body..lol.

The third girl that works at our store comes back in a few days, thank goodness.  My hours will go back to normal.  I am thankful for all the extra hours I have gotten over the last 4 weeks or so, but with all the extra, I only see the boys 1 night a week, and i dont deal well with that at all.  I miss them terribly, and I feel aweful not being there for them like I should be.  Maybe I will get lucky and have some more daytime hours.  I can hope anyway. 

So like I said before, in the process of making a better me, I  have really made some people unhappy.  I dont know why, or how, but I just have.  My friend Erin helped me to see that it really was ok.  She is part of my rock sometimes I swear.  She is the reason I started this blog..lol..Anyway, I have made some changes to better myself, and some people just arent coming along for the ride, and I am sorry for that.  There really is nothing I can do to make them better understand that this is what I need.  I want more then anything to be the best mom I can possibly be.  I wasnt always there for my boys, and I am doing what I need to do now to raise, happy, healthy, strong boys.  I resent the fact that 5 years ago I was too busy to be a mom.  When logan was born i went back to work, and was gone 11 hours a day, besides doing the construction business also.  It didnt leave me much room to be a mom.  Then when the twins were little, we had the apartments, and the construction company, and once again, i wasnt there for them.  And we threw a lot of parties.    That part of my life is over.  I am moving on in so many ways, that people feel left behind.

I have basically stopped drinking.  I still have a drink now and then, but I dont go overboard.  I dont even like to really.  I hate the way it makes me feel, and I hate how long it takes my body to recover.  I dont mind that the people around me drink, I have no problem with that at all.  I just dont center my life around it.  If I have one it is usually random, not planned.  I rarely drink anything more then a single drink maybe 2 in front of my boys.  I want them growing up knowing that in moderation it is ok once in a while.  I dont want them to see me falling on my ass :)  It is a choice I have made, and it is my choice to make.  Plain and simple.  Some advice from my G-ma a few years ago, brought me to this decision.

My life is centered around my children, life is short, and they are growing fast, and when I make plans, its usually when them in tow.  I am a mom first.  As it should be.  My nights are filled with homework, dinner, chores, reading time, outside play, bath time, and bedtime.  Beyond that and work during the week, I dont really have time for anything else.  I spend most of my spare time around people who dont mind them being around, and possibly making a little mess.  They clean it up.  But they are kids, and they will make a mess.  Not deliberatly, but its bound to happen.

So in my quest to be a better me, I feel stronger, and more spiritual then I have ever been.  I stick up for myself, and that irritates people.  I was the "nice" one in just about every situation, and I think I am past that phase.  It is very hard for some people to take, others are proud of me for it.  The ones that are unhappy are the ones that were use to me being a pushover.  The ones standing behind me are the ones tired of seeing me walked all over.  Chose whatever side you wish to be on.

I am thinking of volunteering some of my time in an office during the day when the kids are in school, and I dont have to work.  I know its adding more to my plate, but I dont plan to do it till after the wedding.  It will be at a place that provides free services to people who really need it.  Something like that would really make me feel good.  I like helping others, and I just feel the need to do it. 

The fact that I dont really have a college education, or a career has really been bothering me lately.  I would really like to go back to school and make something of myself.  My past educational loans are what holds me back.  So after the wedding I will be working on getting those paid off.  I really want to make my boys and Nick proud of me.  I would like for my mom to see me succeed.  It is just very important to me.

So 30 days from today I will be a married woman.  I have absolutely no hesitations at all.  I am so very excited about it all.  It just feels perfect.  I have squashed the idea of me having a bachelorette party.  I didnt really want one in the first place, so I decided not to have one.  Nick is having a bachelor party, im not at all excited about it, but I guess they all feel its a rite of passage or something.  Whatever.  I want to celebrate that we are getting married, not my single days.  Those were behind me when I said yes to the proposal.  I honestly dont look back on them too fondly anyway.   

We have gotten alot of replies back, the guest list grows every day.  I am looking foreward to seeing everyone.  We are working on the ceremony, and the things we want in it.  I have found a few things that i really like.  I cant wait to walk down the aisle, and see him in his tux.  And i cant wait to see my boys in suits...they are gonna look so adorable!  And my mom and gma will look so beautiful!

I know this is a really long update.  I guess I just had a heck of alot to say :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

What?

The last few days have been a super emotional rollercoaster...Ive tried to be understanding, and grateful, and not say anything, but I am done.  I cant do it.

In my quest to be a better mother I have apparently made someone very angry.  In fact, I had the joy of being called a liar, and miss perfect. 

Now, what I lied about..I will just lay it all out for you.  I am not ashamed of it.  After my ex husband and i separated, I let him mortgage the house the boys and I were living in.  I trusted him to do right by the boys, so I said, ok.  Right around the time the mortgage went through, the divorce stuff started, and I seen the mistake I had made.  I was embarassed, and ashamed that I put myself in that situation.  A situation that could possibly leave us without a home.  In that time, i kept being told what i should and shouldnt do, by a very important person in my life.  I felt like i just couldnt talk to this person about it, because they were being so judgemental.  So basically I just agreed with everything they said, and it lead to a lie.  I said the house was mine.  It really was the biggest mistake i feel i have ever made.

well, during an arguement (caused by a wedding cake conversation), i got the joys of having that thrown back in my face.  I have made some mistakes, and i dont always handle things the way i should.  But i am not the same person i was 4 years ago.  And i cant take back the fact that i wasnt honest about it.  Apparently me apologizing just didnt mean anything.  Not to mention the status of my house really was non of their business..

I dont understand why every aspect of my life has to be put under a microscope by someone who is suppose to stand by and just be there.  Especially when this person is not perfect either

Well things have changed.  I rarely drink, because I dont want to have my children grow up in that environment.  I went through a time 4 years ago, where i partied a lot.  i am over that.  I am not that person anymore.  I seen what it was doing to my life, so i changed it.  Becuase i dont argue in front of my children i am "trying to be miss perfect"...i am working on being the best me i can be. and that makes some people very unhappy.  i will not apologize for that. 

I dont understand how me trying to better myself is such a letdown for this person.

the words thrown at me the other day cut as deep as any knife could, and i am done.  it will not happen again, because i will not allow it.  Stop asking questions that are none of your business.

I work 3 nights a week most weeks...and often weekends.  so the time i have is for my children, and future husband.  whome i rarely see these days because of our opposing schedules.  i have a home to take care of, and 4 boys, and a job.  it dosnt leave me with alot of time.  I try to make plans with the boys and them, but i get turned down if it involves taking children.  so unless the kids can come, most of the time i wont be able to go, and might possibly not be willing to.  i will rarely find a babysitter just to go hang out.  My time i get to spend as a mom is very important to me.

I am not changing back into the person i was before.  That was a person that left me feeling very unhappy.  My children, and future husband will come first.  As it should :)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

5/16/10

Its a Sunday and I am sitting here at work with no customers, so I thought I would take some time to get this blog updated.  Hopefully when things settle down a bit, I will be able to keep up with it more.

It was right around a year ago that Nick came home from the Army for good.  I am so grateful that he is here.  I dont know where my life would be without him in it.  I am honestly so glad not to have to share him with the Army anymore.  I am proud of what he did, but I am glad that part of our lives is over.  3 years apart was long enough for me.

We had another Neurology appointment for logan last Monday.  He was diagnosed as ADHD.  3 years after his really bad seizure, and they are finally coming up with something.  That seizure changed something in  him, and I had known it for a long time.  So at least we can move foreward from here, and start looking into all of our options for him.

Steven and dominic are all signed up for summer school.  They need it to pass.  They are that far behind.  I am upset about it, I just dont know what to do.  I work nights, so its not like I can be there to make them study and stuff.  I have always made them do their homework, and they dont miss alot of school...So i dont know what is going on with them.  It is frustrating.

Since the move I feel like I have had no time to just be a little lazy.  It seems like we are on the go so often.  But I think its because of the wedding.   We are getting closer for sure.  The planning is draining, especially since it has turned out to be a little bigger then I planned.  We have already started to get replies back, and I think we will have a good turn out. 

Work is going good.  I just finished my certification process for printer stuff...so we will see if i passed or not.  I realy hope I did.  It was a process that made me feel way under educated.  I love my job.  Things are starting to pick up here, so I dont sit idle so often.  Except Sundays.  I am not a huge fan of working nights.  But im not really complaining either.  Not too much anyway..lol...I just dont like being away from the boys this often.

I am so grateful to everyone who has helped in the planning of this wedding.  My maid of honor, and my bridesmaid have been so helpful.  and my mom and future in laws have been amazing.  So in case i forget to mention it, I appreciate it all.  I really do