Tuesday, May 18, 2010

What?

The last few days have been a super emotional rollercoaster...Ive tried to be understanding, and grateful, and not say anything, but I am done.  I cant do it.

In my quest to be a better mother I have apparently made someone very angry.  In fact, I had the joy of being called a liar, and miss perfect. 

Now, what I lied about..I will just lay it all out for you.  I am not ashamed of it.  After my ex husband and i separated, I let him mortgage the house the boys and I were living in.  I trusted him to do right by the boys, so I said, ok.  Right around the time the mortgage went through, the divorce stuff started, and I seen the mistake I had made.  I was embarassed, and ashamed that I put myself in that situation.  A situation that could possibly leave us without a home.  In that time, i kept being told what i should and shouldnt do, by a very important person in my life.  I felt like i just couldnt talk to this person about it, because they were being so judgemental.  So basically I just agreed with everything they said, and it lead to a lie.  I said the house was mine.  It really was the biggest mistake i feel i have ever made.

well, during an arguement (caused by a wedding cake conversation), i got the joys of having that thrown back in my face.  I have made some mistakes, and i dont always handle things the way i should.  But i am not the same person i was 4 years ago.  And i cant take back the fact that i wasnt honest about it.  Apparently me apologizing just didnt mean anything.  Not to mention the status of my house really was non of their business..

I dont understand why every aspect of my life has to be put under a microscope by someone who is suppose to stand by and just be there.  Especially when this person is not perfect either

Well things have changed.  I rarely drink, because I dont want to have my children grow up in that environment.  I went through a time 4 years ago, where i partied a lot.  i am over that.  I am not that person anymore.  I seen what it was doing to my life, so i changed it.  Becuase i dont argue in front of my children i am "trying to be miss perfect"...i am working on being the best me i can be. and that makes some people very unhappy.  i will not apologize for that. 

I dont understand how me trying to better myself is such a letdown for this person.

the words thrown at me the other day cut as deep as any knife could, and i am done.  it will not happen again, because i will not allow it.  Stop asking questions that are none of your business.

I work 3 nights a week most weeks...and often weekends.  so the time i have is for my children, and future husband.  whome i rarely see these days because of our opposing schedules.  i have a home to take care of, and 4 boys, and a job.  it dosnt leave me with alot of time.  I try to make plans with the boys and them, but i get turned down if it involves taking children.  so unless the kids can come, most of the time i wont be able to go, and might possibly not be willing to.  i will rarely find a babysitter just to go hang out.  My time i get to spend as a mom is very important to me.

I am not changing back into the person i was before.  That was a person that left me feeling very unhappy.  My children, and future husband will come first.  As it should :)

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