Sunday, December 19, 2010

My Spirituality

I dont really know how many of you know that I am Pagan.  Been that way for a loooooong time.  Does that mean I know details of what every Pagan believes? Not a bit of it.  What I know is that I believe in the power of energy, the power of prayer (whatever the religion may be).  I believe in magic, and I believe that anything is possible.  I dont worship the devil.  Dont even believe in him.  I am still learning, I stopped trying for a while.  Some bad decisions derailed me, I dont know how to find that path that takes me back to where I need to be.

I have a problem.  I am lonely.  Not lonely in a sense of I am unhappy, or in terms of my husband.  Our relationship is fantastic.  Couldnt be better. 

I mean spiritually I am lost.  I feel like I havent been living the way my thoughts a beliefs follow.  I dont even know how to explain it really.  I dont have anyone around me that believes the same things.  I feel like I dont really have anyone to learn from.  I miss the gatherings, and the festivals.  I miss the fires, and the drumming, and the feeling of belonging.  I am a spiritual mess at this point, and I just dont know how to turn it around.

I just want to belong, and feel that spiritual peace I once felt.  I have lost it somehow.  I dont know how to even begin to get it back.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The weather has been busy

These last couple of days the snow has really let us know that winter is upon us. We had a really mild warm Fall season, and now we have jumped right into the cold and snow. The kids are really excited. I think it is beautiful, but no fun to drive in . Not in my van anyway.

I had to go to my mom's house Sunday after work to check on her cats, because her and my grandma are on vacation. The whole way there and back was 20mph. the highway was so full of ice if you went faster than that, you were in a ditch. I seen so many accidents on my way, by the time I got back here I was balling my eyes out. There were so many people in the ditches, and cars and trucks upside down. The most disturbing was the horse trailer on its side with horses in it. I freaked out. The drive up there today wasn't as bad, thank goodness.

The boys have their first music concert since we moved to Kalamazoo. They are excited. It is tonight, in half an hour. Guess where I am? Work. I don't get to see it. I am so disappointed. I feel horrible about not being able to go, but I didn't even know about it till last week, so there was no way for me to put in for the night off. These are the times I really don't like working at night. I miss everything now. I feel like I am doing something totally wrong as a parent, by not being there. I love my job, I just don't like being here at night. Those are the things I should not have to give up.

Anyway, I still only have 1 box packed. I am hoping to do some tomorrow night. We will see if it gets done or not. I need some motivation. I know moving into a home that is big enough for us all should be motivation enough, but so far I keep saying I will do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes, and I get no more packing done.

Time to get back to work J

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Such a Busy Life

There are some moments lately, that life has me going full speed ahead, and I find myself wondering when things might slow down a little. There is so much to do, in such a short time, I don't always know where one day ends, and the next begins, they all just blend together.

Things are going really well for us right now. Nick and I could use some extra time together, but we have at least been getting a little. We don't often see each other more than 30 minutes a day. He works from 4am to 2pm, and goes to school 2-3 nights a week. I work 3 nights a week. He is at school the nights I don't work. It kind of sucks, but that is the way life is at the moment. It will eventually pay off.

Thanksgiving was good. We spent it at my mom's house this year. The boys really enjoyed spending a Holiday with her. We don't do it very often. It was good to be able to. I miss doing that kind of stuff with my mom, and grandma. My aunt and uncle where there also. I hadn't seen them since the wedding.

Things are going to be a little different this Christmas. The boys will be with Denny. We made some changes to how the holidays would go for the boys. We use to have them Christmas Eve, and then Christmas day till around noon, but I just felt like that was so unfair to them. So from now on, the year I have them for Thanksgiving, they will be with their dad for Christmas. And then the next year we will switch. By doing that, they won't be torn away from the new toys they get, and will have a chance to really enjoy the day. I don't like being away from there for a holiday, but I know it is what is best for them, and that is what matters the most. I will just deal with it.

My brother in law and his wife got approved for the loan for their house. What an exciting time for them! They are so happy, I swear they just glow! It is amazing to see. We seen the new house on Friday, and it is AMAZING! It is huge, and it's on a good size piece of property too. They will love it out there.

We put down the security deposit for our house on Friday! I can't wait to get moved. No more going up to the 3rd floor with lots of bags of groceries. The boys will have a big yard to play in, and rooms they can call their own. They are really excited about that part. No more sharing and they get a little bit of privacy. I know there are often times they really want some time alone, and they just don't get that often enough. Now they will. The kitchen in our new place is huge, and the dining area is big enough for our beautiful table! Our room will be much smaller, but I don't care! It is going to be great for us.

I really need to work on packing. I don't really have that long to get it done. About 3 weeks. We are moving on New Year's Day. That part stinks a little, but it's the only time we can. The property manager said we can take some stuff over there early, so that moving day isn't so crazy for us, and so that the stuff we don't use on a regular basis can be taken out of our way. That is of course, if I get some packing done. Between all of our schedules, it makes it very difficult.

So with me working 3 nights a week, I don't really see the boys much. Nick gets them more often than I do. I miss them so much. I feel like I am missing out on all the important stuff in their lives, and it makes me so sad. There is so much I miss with school stuff, and those types of things. This Tuesday they have a choir concert, that of course I won't be attending, because I work every Tuesday, and I didn't know about it soon enough to be able to go. I don't like missing that stuff, and it makes me feel like a bad mom when I do. I should be there for those things. I know sooner or later it will change, but I am having a hard time waiting for it.

My two best friends (besides my husband of course), are about to split up. I am sad about it, I don't really know how to handle it at all. I have known for a long time that they aren't happy, but it still hurts a little that they won't be together. I want to see them together. What happens when they start dating other people? How do I act? What if they start asking questions about what the other is doing? How do I not feel torn to choose sides? I can't say I was shocked at the news. I knew I would get that phone call sooner or later. I was just hoping it was later. It's painful, and it isn't even my relationship.

So, with packing, Christmas, and moving, things are about to get insane. If I don't get a chance to post, that will be the reason, and I am sorry ahead of time. I love to write about our lives and adventures, so when things settle down, I will definitely do better at writing more often. Thank you to everyone who has ready my blog for so long, I am really grateful for you. See you next post J