Tuesday, December 13, 2011
We have a decent start on our shopping, but we have a ton more to do. We only have 2 things for Michael so far. I am not use to buying for a teenager. The other boys are pretty easy, they still like toys..
We have Nicks family party this weekend. Its a long drive, I hope the weather holds out for us. I hate driving long distances in bad weather.
So, last year D and I agreed to do every other weekend, and every other Thanksgiving with the boys, so that they wouldn't be ripped from place to place on Christmas day, when they should be enjoying and relaxing with their new stuff that day. I think it is only fair to them. So last year I had them for Thanksgiving, and he had them for Christmas. He just had them for Thanksgiving, and it is my year for Christmas. Well now that it is my turn, he has apparently decided that it isn't fair that he wont get them at all on Christmas day. After cussing me out over text messaging 2 weeks ago, he hasn't contacted me since. I don't understand why it is he thinks that he is so much more important then everyone else, and what he says is law. We don't have a set visitation schedule in our divorce papers, so I guess I will write up some papers, and head to court. That way its all legal, on paper, and there will be no more reason for him to contact me in that way. I'm tired of his crap. I didn't see them at all last Christmas, and now he thinks it isn't fair because its his turn. He has always been welcome in our home, so he can see them that day. I wont deny him some time with them, but its my Christmas with them this year, and that's the way it will stay. He is welcome to stop in to see them. But his way of thinking is I am trying to screw him over, when really all I am trying to do is what is best for the boys. I am tired of him, in every way you can possibly imagine.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
So, I know that Thanksgiving is over, but I wanted to post about what I am thankful for. The list can go on and on, because my life is blessed. Even when it feels like all is lost, I am still blessed. I have 4 amazing boys who are ready with smiles for me on a daily basis. That is something I often take for granted. They are such a gift in this life, gems that sparkle every day. I wasnt always a good mom, I was too busy and didnt have enough patience when they were little, and I see how that has affected them to this day. But putting them at the top of my list has changed all that, and although I cant get those days back, I can strive to be the best mom I know how to be, every day. I love them with every part of my being, and I am so proud of all the accomplishments they have made. They are amazing little men..
My husband...What can I say? I dont even know where to begin. He is so patient with me, sometimes way more then I deserve. He has proven time and again his love and devotion to me, and I couldnt ask for a better partner in this life. He gets me...Not always, all the way, but he does. He puts up with my insecurities, something I have been working on for a long time now, and may always be a work in progress. He loves these boys as if he fathered them, and never complains about all the responsibilites he has taken on by taking on this family. He is the best kind of friend that anyone could have. I love him with my whole heart.
I am thankful for everything we have. A roof over our head, steady jobs, and at least 1 vehicle that runs good. I am thankful for the food we are able to put out every day.
So.....On to some really good news! Nick finally has a hire in date! We are so relieved. December 18th! He has been working at this place for over a year, and I am so glad they have finally given him a light at the end of that tunnel. The temp agency has been good to him, but its definitely time for him to have this moment. He deserves this. The hire in is moving him to a job that he isnt extremely excited about, but he said he will deal.
Not sure what is ahead for January, one of our daytime workers is leaving. Not sure if it will be temporary, or for good. I dont want to see him go, that part sucks. But, it does open up some daytime hours, and I can only hope that my bosses give me the chance to prove myself worthy of some of those hours.
I am gonna do my Christmas shopping for Nick this weekend. I cant wait. Its gonna be a strange weekend. The boys go to their dads, and Nick is going to his aunt and uncles farm to do some work..For the first time in over 2 years, I will be alone. I dont know how to deal with it..lol..
Monday, November 14, 2011
We had a meeting at work tonight, and there are some changes coming up that I am really excited about. Its exciting really. In the end it will most likely get me more hours.
I really like working for Rapid refill. It is an amazing company and I totally agree with what it stands for. My bosses are amazing, and are so family oriented. I'm grateful every day for that blessing.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I know part of whats wrong, but a part of me feels like it is selfish and petty. But is it selfish and petty to be afraid, ask that it be fixed, without a valid reason except a deep nagging feeling I have? I guess maybe that is where the anxiety come in. That, and I just need some positive things to happen. I need some scrap of positive energy to latch onto, because mine is fading fast.
I feel like things are so ass backwards right now, and I have no idea how to fix those feelings. My anxiety is so bad right now that my blood pressure is up..I can feel it.
Financially things are really hard as well. We make enough money to cover the bills, and I am really grateful for that. In fact, that feels like a great accomplishment in a time where so many people cant do that. For that, I am content with. But my mind works in a way that says "what if". Maybe its just because I am a mom, and I know that I have four children who depend on me. Right now, I just don't feel very dependable. I feel like I am drowning.
I am at a place in my life where I am so very happy. I have 4 amazing boys, that make me even more proud every day, and a husband that I am so in love with, I often wonder if its a fairy tale. I am at a wonderful place with all this. Maybe that's what the anxiety is about. That part of my life is so good, I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I had a conversation with my cousin yesterday, and we talked about our childhoods. How we, instead of forming attachments to people, often detach ourselves from the ones we love the most because no one ever sticks around. Including ourselves. I didn't form attachments to people because I was always leaving them behind with the next move. Its always been that way for me.
With that being said, maybe that's my biggest problem. I'm so in love with this life, I am just waiting for it to move on away from me. And that scares the hell out of me. Some things have come up lately, and it makes me even more anxiety filled, and frightened. No matter how I explain my feelings, they just don't come out right. They make me seem needy and helpless, and it really doesn't have anything to do with that. How do you move past things that bother you so much, without them leaving such a scar on the inside?
My world has been shattered and broken, a few times in this life. I have done a good job healing from it, but I have the scars. They live on the inside of me, and even though you cant see them, it doesn't mean they aren't there. It doesn't mean they don't come to the surface from time to time. Eventually they fade away again for a while. As I grow older they show less often, but they are there..Those kind of scars never completely go away.
I have been moody, emotional, and hard to be around lately. I know it, and I'm sorry to any of those caught in the crossfire. I don't mean for it to be this way, but my scars are on the surface, and I wear my heart on my sleeve...A very difficult combination.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
The boys had conferences last week. All are amazing. But I knew that anyway...I am a proud mom for sure. Logan is struggling, but he is doing the best he can, and the teachers notice that. Steven has some missing assignments, but is still passing all his classes with flying colors. Dominic is getting all A's, and has absolutely no missing work. Michael is doing well, he is on a pass/fail grading scale, and he is passing everything. I am such a proud mom, and they are amazing boys. i couldnt, and wouldnt ask for more. They are a bright light in this world.
They are talking about opening up the hiring freeze where Nick works. Its about time, he has been at that place for over a year, and deserves to be hired in. I got almost full time hours this week. Its kicking my butt, but I am so grateful for it at this time. Things are so tight for us right now, and I was stressing pretty bad about it for a while, but I have decided to stop stressing because it doesnt help anything at all. I am a little worried about Christmas this year. But that too will work itself out.
I went through a bout of depression for a few weeks, but I feel like I am back on track now. Still a little iffy from it, but its looking up. Stupid hormones..lol..Once i get back on thyroid meds it will hopefully be better. Just need insurance for that.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Aunt Sue passed away on Friday, October 21. She was an amazingly fantastic woman, and her absense will be felt for a very long time. I was drawn to her from the moment I met her. This family has lost a true gem of a woman. I cant even imagine what her daughter is going through. She has now lost both of her parents to cancer.
My father in law called me on Friday morning and asked me to get ahold of Nick. I called him home from work. Telling him she was on the edge of passing was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was a rough day indeed.
I wasnt able to be there with him when she passed. I had to get the kids off to there dads. I was just on my way when we got the call that it was over. I know there will be more to come in the future, but to see that kind of pain in my husbands eyes is one of the worst things ever. He was very close to her. It has been an emotional weekend for sure.
Monday, October 3, 2011
I was just sitting here thinking about how it is I get myself into some deep do do sometimes. I am prettty sure I have it all figured out. Well I think I do anyway.
I absolutely hate when people are unhappy with me. It is a feeling I cant handle. Something that has always been completely out of control. To the point that it causes me to have some major anxiety. I find this to be a problem in all walks of life, it hides in every little corner of my being. I dont like being that way. I just is what it is.
So often I get taken advantage of, or get put in very uncomfortable situations because I am afraid the word NO will make me disliked. I dont have a problem with it when it comes to my children, but in all other relationships it has always been like that. Confrontation is not my friend. I cower in the face of it.
I am always so afraid that people will walk out of my life if i refuse them things. Even the people I dont want in my life, I find myself letting them walk all over me as well. That doesnt bother me so much. Its when the people who are suppose to love me do it that i realize it becomes a problem. And that problem is, that people get to know that of me, and they think its ok to manipulate it to be what they want. The people that know me best, know thay can bend my mind in ways that no others can.
People so close to me do this because they know me so well. And I dont think it is always on purpose, its just they way I let myself be treated. It hurts. So dont ever think it doesnt. I know when it is being done, but like I said before, I cower at confrontation. I hate it, I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the fact that it makes me cry. It sucks. And before you say, "why dont you change it", think of what it may be like to walk in the shoes of someone who is like that. It is a personality trait that isnt so easily changed. A fear that freezes you up, and jumbles your mind. Almost as if it is a phobia.
I know to some this may sound like a bunch of rambling, but to me it makes sense.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The first month of school for the boys is almost up. For the most part things are going well. Steven is getting all A's. Michael is getting a pass in all his classes so far (they grade him differently). Dominic is doing A work in all of his classwork, except language arts. Logan....what do I even say about that. We got progress reports last Friday. In 14 days of school, he has not turned in 8 assignments. Unacceptable...Needless to say, he is grounded for a bit. The teacher was nice enough to give him another copy of all his missing work. The work he does turn in gets good grades.
Work for me is going really well. It has its ups and downs of course, but I love my job. I know I probably post that in every blog I post, but it is the truth. My bosses are amazing. They have given me daytime hours on Monday now. Its nice having the extra day on my paycheck. I would like to keep moving up in ranks there, but it has been slow (not complaining). I am just use to moving up fast in my jobs. Its always been like that for me. But this is a smaller company, a more personal one, and I am happy with that. Most days I am there give me a great sense of accomplishment. Its just an all around great place to be. I work nights 2 days a week, and that part is still hard on me, but it works out ok.
Nicks job is going OK. He isnt real excited about it. I wish there was something available close to home that makes him feel excited about going to work every day. I dont like feeling like he is making such an unhappy sacrifice for us. He does it for us, I know he does.
So, the last week the boys spent with their dad over the summer was not the greatest thing. They came home with heads full of lice. They all had long hair, and I had to give them buzz cuts. If they had been brought home earlier that day, I might have been able to get it all out, but it was late at night, and I had to go to the store to get shampoo for it. Even buzzing it all off, and shampooing we still didnt get to bed until 3am. I was so mad. Logan cried when I cut his hair. His was so cute.
I am having a really hard time keeping up with the house. That extra day Im not home really hurts the housework. I dont really care though. Its not dirty, its just cluttered..I worked on the living room today before work, got most of that done. Tomorrow I focus on the kitchen. It needs alot of work..
My facebook page for my jewelry is coming along nicely. I dont have too much time to work on stuff lately, but some day I will get more made. I really enjoy making jewelry. I thought I would never find something I really enjoyed, and could make money off of, but I did. I only wish I had money to put into it to really get it started, but that will come in time.
Nick has decided that school is not his thing right now. He is taking a break. Thats really all I have to say on that subject.
I cant believe it is the end of September already. Where has the time gone!? We are planning our Halloween party. Nicks favorite holiday. It will be a good time.
So, this might sound a little crazy but, I have seen a ton of trains lately. I know it isnt significant to you, but its huge for me. My grandfather was crazy about trains. He loved them. The last 2 weeks I have been stopped by them at intersections several times, and I hardly ever seem them around here. I just cant help bout feel like that is my grandpa saying hello, and telling me to slow down and enjoy life. It is just a feeling I get.
Monday, August 8, 2011
So, we made sure to invite the ex husband, and his family, because we thought it was important for them to be there that day. NONE of them showed up. I was a little mad about it, but I guess it was to be expected. We got a text message from his dad the day after the party, wanting to know what time it was set for. I told him yesterday. And of course he acted like he had no idea. Typical "D" type thing to do. Not surprised at all. Michael was a little upset that they didnt come. But we made his day wonderful anyway. Michael told me yesterday that he hasnt recieved anything from his father for his birthday yet. That makes me a little mad. It is is big TEEN birthday, something he was very excited about, and he couldnt acknowledge it with a gift. There are so many times I just want to smack him upside the head and say "get a clue"!
So this blog entry may just turn into a bitch fest, because honestly, thats my mood. Might want to stop reading here if swear words make your eyes hurt. Just a warning, might not even swear, who knows :)
Financially right now we are drowning. Not as bad as it could be, but not good enough to make us comfortable. It sucks waiting for money, when you never know exactly when it might come. "D" owes over 15 thousand in child support. Alot huh? I could give you the exact amount, but I dont feel like looking it up. It is pathetic really. He had it lowered to 1/4 of what he was paying before, and still isnt making regular payments. I dont understand parents, male or female, who dont support there children in some way. Nick spent over $600 total on school stuff for the kids last year, and their dad didnt offer a dime of help. I can remember when he use to nag on a friend of ours for not paying when he should, but now that the shoe is on his foot, he has lots of excuses. I try so hard not to speak ill of him most of the time, but sometimes I just have to let it out, and what better way to do it with a bunch of people that dont know him. Instead of paying child support, he has a bunch of people living with him that arent even related. His girlfriends family I guess. Its what the boys have told me anyway. They said its just too crowded there. I am not surprised, but I wish he would stop dragging people into the boys life who arent gonna stay there. He just needs to grow up, and stop pretending the world only revolves around his wants and needs.
Speaking of parents. How does one just walk out on there child, or children, and then play the victim? I dont understand it, and probaby never will. People drag their children into there drama, when what they should really be doing is pulling on their big girl/boy panties, and deal with it. Keep that shit out of your childrens lives. They dont deserve to be treated that way, they deserve to be sheltered, and kept in innocence as long as possible.
And what is it with people complaining that their children wont listen to them. MAKE THEM! Really, thats what I have to say about it. I dont care how willfull a child is, your the parent.
I am one of those people who dosnt understand addiction. In fact, I dont have alot of sympathy for it at all. I wish I could say I did, but I dont. We all make choices in this life, stop making excuses, and just deal with it. Things happen to us that we want to hide from, but do you not understand that hiding from them dosnt heal them? Ive been through my share of nightmares, addiction runs strong in my family...But I have children, so I chose to end the cycle with my generation. As far as I am concerned, its just that easy. Go to your meetings, stay strong, because those you love feel it too. Send me hate mail if you like, but I choose to put my family above anything that might numb what I feel. They deserve that much.
OK, on with other things..
School starts soon. I am glad for it, I think the boys not being home half the summer sucks. And I think they need to be around other kids. I cant ever put them in summer programs because they go to their dads every other week. So they miss out on that interaction in the summer. I dont think its fair to them. Speaking of school...I have no idea how we will afford school supplies this year. I know we will make due, but its just really scary. I dont want to be in this position anymore.
I have looked for a 2nd job, but really cant find anything that will work with my current job. I am not willing to give up this job. It is just too amazing, and I love it. Babysitting is out of the question unless I watch family members. Child care laws are just too strict with that stuff. I will be getting 6 extra hours every week near the end of the month. That will help alot.
So, Nick is out right now helping his buddy move. The guys girlfriend is causing drama, and the cops were just called. What a bunch of stupid bullshit :)
Monday, July 25, 2011
A few important dates have come and gone, and I havent blogged about any of it.
Mine and Nicks anniversary was June 26th. It came and went really fast. We had lunch on the Friday before. We havent gotten each other anything yet, and it is a month later. I decided I want a tattoo. I am not sure what he wants yet.lol..I cant believe its been a whole year. It has gone by so fast. Not always as smooth as I had hoped for, but it has been so wonderful. I am truly blessed with him by my side.
Michael turned 13 on July 20th. He spent it with his dad, but I got to talk to him on the phone. It was hard for me not to be with him on that day. I cant believe I have been a mom for that long. He is such an amazing boy. Every day he amazes me. He is smart, funny, and so very brave. Most of you know he is Autistic. I am so proud of how far he has come. He is just beautiful inside, and out.
I was left in charge of the store for a whole week. The owners went on vacation, and I ran things while they were gone. I dont honestly know how well I did. I am sure I messed up alot, but it was my first time, and I did the best I could. I will be doing it again, this week. I am not so nervous about it this time around. There are still a few things I am not confident with, but I will do ok. It really makes me feel good that they trust me enough with that kind of responsibility.
We are having Michaels bday party this Saturday. He is really excited about it. We know what we want to get him, we just arent sure if we can afford it. Its something I planned for a long time, but money isnt working the way we had planned. I want this for him, but cash is tight for sure.
My van took a dump on me today. We dont know what is wrong with it exactly. Ive only had it for a year. Its old, and not worth the time or money to fix, but unfortunately we cant afford to get anything different. too many things revolve around money..lol
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The boys will be going to there dads tonight, and Michael was upset about how that is working out. He asked what time dad was picking them up..I told them between 5 and 6, and he said "so he dosnt want to spend Father's Day with us?" I didnt know what to tell him really. So I told him the truth. That he had the option of taking them as early in the day as he wanted, and this was his choice. I also told him that it was ok to let his dad know how it makes him feel. He turns 13 soon, I dont feel the need to sugar coat it anymore. He dosnt know most details, but there are some like that he is starting to notice on his own. Theyre dad is going to need to take that kind of thing into account now. When he does this, the kids notice. They wanted to spend the day with him, he chose something else.
This last week was a rough one. I was still trying to heal from my jaw problems, and it left me exhausted. The house was a horrible mess from me not feeling well, so I have that to catch up on. I have come close to catching up on the laundry...I think. The boys wont be there next week, so I will get it all done then. I need to find a dentist that will help me. I cant handle being so uncomfortable anymore.
My jewelry making is coming along nicely. I am trying to get more creative, but I am always so afraid to spend the extra money on some of th nicer beads, for fear that no one will buy the more expensive items. I really want to branch out and do more. I still havent tried bracelets yet. I would like to maybe try to make one tonight. We will see. I always have lots of ideas in my head, but they dont always translate well when I am trying to put them together.
I am trying hard to get enough made to do a booth at the flea market, but I keep selling them. Not that it is a bad thing..lol..My goal is to do that this summer though.
Steven got into some poison ivy a couple of days ago. Poor little guy is miserable. He barely slept last night. He has been really good about not scratching at it, so hopefully we can keep it under control this time. He dosnt fight it off well, so usually it lands us in the ER, and him on steroids to get rid of it.
I have been reading alot more again recently. We have a back porch, and I love to sit out there and read. Its screened in, so the bugs leave us alone. It is one of the best ways to relax at the end of the day. I just finished reading the Bride Quartet by Danielle Steele. It was a great series. Now I am reading the Hunger Games on my NOOK. I love that thing. It saves on shelf space. I know, I could go to the library, but I hate giving them back..lol..
At the end of this month, begining of next, I will be in charge of the Portage store. I am not really nervous about it, except that I am afraid of disappointing the customers if it is so busy that we cant deliver. I know I will do ok, I dont want to disappoint my bosses. They are putting alot of faith in me by leaving me with such a task. I hope I do as well as they think I will. It is a huge responsibility to take on.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
I don't think I have ever gone this long without posting a blog.
The boys have 2 more days and then its summer vacation. They are getting pretty excited about it. I am but I'm not. It means I don't have to get up so early, but it also means that I have to share them every other week, and I don't like doing that. Steven doesn't want to go there every other week, and I don't know about the rest of them. This is home, and summers disrupt that for them.
This school year has been amazing for them. I am so excited to see what accomplishments they make next school year. The school has done wonders for them. They were so far behind, and now they are closer to the grade levels they should be at. They have all come out of their shells. Logan wants to play the saxophone next year, I think that would be an amazing experience for him. Something that would really boost his confidence.
There was an awards ceremony for Steven, Dominic, and Logan last week. Logan got 4 awards, and Dominic got three. Steven got one. There is a highest award called the principals award that goes to 1 student per class. Steven and Dominic both got one. I am so proud of all of them.
Work is going well. I have been moved from the Kalamazoo store, to the portage store. I am really enjoying the added responsibilities of being there. It keeps me motivated. I don't have to drive as far, so it's better for my van.
Nick is still working the same job. It's a good job, not what he wants to do for the rest of his life, but it works for now. He has gone through all his reviews, and is now waiting to be hired in. He only has 2 more quarters until he is done with ITT Tech. He doesn't really like it there, so he is going to try to go somewhere else for his last 2 years.
My birthday was yesterday, and I was not well. I was ok in the morning, but by night my pain was unbearable. My teeth are bad, they have been for a few years. Recently they have gotten worse. But unfortunately, without insurance, a dentist won't help me. So yesterday the pain in my jaw became enough to send me to the ER, on my birthday. They gave me some antibiotics, and vicodin, and told me to see a dentist. Gave me a paper with the name of a clinic that will help me. Now I just need to get there and have it taken care of.
Besides the ER trip, my birthday went well. We had a meeting at work first thing in the morning, with coffee and doughnuts. Then nick and I went to breakfast. I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do, because I already wasn't feeling well. We decided to go to binder park zoo. That was amazing. I love to see that kind of stuff. It was a great day for it. Not hot and humid.
So, I have started making jewelry. I made a facebook page for it, a lot of my stuff isn't posted yet, but I am working on it. I sell it almost as fast as I make it. I need to make enough to have a booth somewhere, but they just keep selling. Make sure to like my page, its http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Taras-Beads-and-Things/197599790265033 . I really enjoy doing it, it is so relaxing. Maybe one day I will really make some money off of it.
My mom and gma are selling their house. They have decided that Michigan is not the place for them to be. So they will be Arizona bound next spring or summer. I knew it was coming sooner or later.
Monday, May 2, 2011
I am happy that the Military efforts have paid off. Osama..dude, you lost....
Thats really all I have to say ...except............
I am so proud of our men and women in uniform. Keep up the good work, and may you come home safe to the family and friends that love you...
To my own personal Hero. I love you. I am so proud of the time you served.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The last couple of weeks have been very busy. Sometimes it seems like we move nonstop, sometimes I just really need some downtime. But, its getting to be that time of year, when life gets busy, and moves very fast. Time to put on my running shoes if I want to keep up.
The boys spent Spring break with their dad. They had a good time. When they came home, I was not impressed. As a mother, I am responsible for keeping my children clean and healthy, among lots of other things. I was grossed out by the way they came back to me. On the drive home, I had to drive with the window cracked. The whole time they were there, they hadn't had a bath or shower. YUCK! A whole week. Then come to find out, one of the twins had the same socks on that he had gone over there with, because daddy couldn't find any socks for him to wear. What the hell!? Michael is a preteen with greasy hair, what makes it OK to not make sure he gets a shower? really..gross....
I received notice a few weeks ago about a hearing for the Friend of the Court. "D" is trying to get child support lowered. So, I gathered all my information, and my mom went with me. I am glad she was there because I was a nervous wreck. Not about it getting lowered, but about being put on the spot by the referee. Well, I don't know how it went yet, because we haven't been notified of it yet. It is suppose to come in the mail, hopefully soon. The referee wasn't really all that nice to "D", but he went in really unprepared, and the referee asked all the hard questions that he didn't have the right answers to. He is trying to claim to have been disabled for a short time, but didn't have the paperwork to back it. I just hope that if it gets lowered, he will actually pay it. We can hope anyway.
My coworker was gone last week, so I took all of the daytime hours. I really enjoyed being home every night with the boys. It felt so perfect. The way life is suppose to be. I enjoy my job so much, and my bosses are really great. That is something that hasn't changed in the year and a half I have been there. They just hired a 2nd sales person, so I have a feeling things are about to get crazy around there.
I have been working split shifts on Tuesdays, and Thursdays. I work 3 hours in the mornings, and then 4 hours at night. It seems to work out OK. And it gives me an extra 6 hours a week, something I need at this point.
I am in need of a newer vehicle. The one I have is doing OK, but it guzzles gas, and with prices they way they are, its getting really expensive. Plus, it just doesn't feel very safe to me. We are saving up as much as we can, sometimes it feels like it just doesn't add up as fast as it should.
So, my mom and gma are in the planning stages for the big move out to Arizona. I would like to think it isn't going to happen, but I have a feeling this time it really will. They aren't happy in Michigan. So I will do my best to help them weed through the stuff they don't want to take, and get things situated for them, so that when they do move, it will be less stressful. Its really all I can do. They will be happier, and healthier there. the cold is just too much for them to handle.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Nick is not a soldier anymore, but financially this could really screw us, and that makes me very nervous. We both have decent jobs, but in this day and age, we just don't make enough to pay for everything. We don't even have car payments, and we don't make enough. At this point in our lives, we rely on BAH from school to help us pay rent. ugh..Its a scary situation.
So, this next week is going to be a crazy week for me. My coworker is gone on vacation, and I will be working all daytime hours. Its like a dream come true, I swear. I will be home every night next week to take care of my family. That never happens. I am really excited about it. Of course, I go back to night time hours when she comes back, but right now, who can complain as long as I am getting some hours.
I woke up sick this morning. I haven't been sick since the first week of school for the kids. I don't think it will be a bad one, just a cold, and a bit of a sore throat, but its enough to make me feel it. I am bulking up on the vitamins, and Olive Leaf. Olive leaf should knock it out of my system fast. I love that stuff...
The boys go back to school on Monday. I don't think they are too excited about it, but at least they have had a bit of a break. It has been crappy weather for spring break.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Things have been crazy, as usual..lol..
I got some extra hours at work, 2 days a week I am working split shifts. Along with that I have some new responsibilites. I now make the calls to our business customers that havent been in for a while. I call to see if they need to order, and that kind of thing. So far it has been pretty sucessful. I didnt think I would like it, but I do ok with it. First couple of calls were really scary. It has taken me out of my comfort zone, but I am ok with it all. The new hours wear me out a bit, and the house suffers more then I would like, but its not dirty. It will even out once I get use to the extra time away from home.
I have been so emotional lately. Sometimes it seems like life is just too good to be true. I just always have this dread of the negatives coming into our lives. I am always thinking that one day it will all fall out from under me again. I am so lucky in life. I have 4 amazing boys, and I got a 2nd chance at love. He makes me so happy, you just have no idea. I guess I just need to be confident that this happiness will last. Given my past, sometimes its really hard. I put so much on him when he came home, kids, bills, and other things. I am really afraid that one day that will all be too much. Anyway, those are my personal feelings that I am putting out there...It takes alot for me to do that.
Michael has a doctors appointment on Tuesday. He has been having headaches tht make him dizzy, and sick to his stomach. He also says that he gets spots in his eyes when he gets them. So I made him an appointment. I hope its something very simple. I am a little nervous. I just want him to be ok. He has always been the healthy one, even with the Aspergers.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Life is really good right now, and I am so grateful for that. Family life is good, work life is good (except working nights, but i deal with that). I did find out today though, that my mom and gma are talking about moving out West again. That sucks, but I cant stop them, and even if I could, would they continue to be happy in Michigan. Not really. I would rather them be happy, and if moving is what makes them happy, then I support that decision. I don't like the fact that they would be so far away. That part really stinks, but I can partially understand that decision. I feel bad for my boys, but our schedules never match up, so they don't see her much anyway. I feel bad for that, but my mom works crazy schedules, i work at night, and nick works crazy schedule, and goes to school. Life is just too busy to be social I guess. I do feel bad that we see his family alot more then we see mine, but part of that is lack of planning on both sides. now that summer is coming I will see them more, hopefully..
The boys are doing great in school right now. They will be doing an IEP for Steven. That will be the 3rd child of mine with one. I talked to the teacher about that, and she said it isn't unusual to see it run in families like that. She told me not to let it make me feel bad, because I am doing everything right, and she said all the kids teachers see that. That makes me feel a little better at least. So, Steven will be getting some extra help in certain areas. It will help him later, so that he isn't behind.
Michael and Logan just got over being sick. I am pretty sure they passed it on to me, but its hitting me different. I am exhausted. So tired its hard to function. I went to bed at 9 last night. I hardly ever go to bed that early, but I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I was ready for the day to be over. I am tired all the time anyway, but yesterday kicked my butt...Part of it could be that I crawled under/over/and around desks to test 12 printers for a company that is downsizing. It took me about 2 hours to do that, and it wore me out. made for a very long day.
The weather is getting so nice. I know winter isn't completely out of here yet, but today I had the windows open, it was nice to have fresh air in the house. I don't like how stuffy it gets inside during the winter months. Last night after work, we played outside, and enjoyed the weather. I think it got to about 65 today.
I started a book review blog, but I ended up deleting it. I am just not creative enough with it, so it wasn't any fun.
I have been into making jewelry alot more lately. I am getting so much better at it. I love it. I just learned how to make earrings, so I have been concentrating on that. I have a good amount made, but I need to do more. I want to have a booth this summer at the flea market. I think that would be so fun. I have alot of work to do before that though.
I have had almost no social time at all for a while now. Its getting kind of old. Most of it is because its winter, and I just don't get out as much in Winter. But I am ready for some time with friends. I am in serious need of friends. I don't make them easily, and its even harder to keep them. Maybe I am just antisocial...who knows
Well, enough for now :)
Monday, March 7, 2011
So, we got our taxes back, and we didnt get as much back as we figured we would. But on the upside, my student loans are paid off, sooooooo.....I can go back to school! I am really excited, nervous, and overwhelmed by the idea, but its a good thing. I really want to make something of myself, mostly for me, but for my family too. A good paying job would make life so much easier for us.
Nick is close to getting hired in for his job. I really hope that works out for him. I think it will be a good thing. More money for him, and insurance for us. We both need insurance. My teeth are bad..really bad..I take care of them, but since the twins were born, they just keep going downhill.
Work has been good for me. They have given me a little more to do, so my nights go a little faster. We still arent a real busy store yet, and I fear if we dont get busier soon they may shut that store down. I would hate to see that happen.
We found out the other day that my sister in law is having a boy! I had to start shopping right away of course. I have baby fever so bad at this point.
We have had some crazy weather this year. Blizzards, rain, ice storms, winds...lots of wetness. I really am ready for spring. I think the kids are ready for a change in weather also.
I started posting my jewelry for sale on facebook..I only have 2 up right now, but I am pretty excited about it. My designs are simple compared to most, but I am proud of them. I hope that they will sell. It would be nice to make money off of something I love to do.
I know this is just a short update, but I am at a loss for words tonight I guess...till next time blog world.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
I played the role of lunch parent last Friday. That was a trip. OMG. That class was insane. I was equally insane for doing it the day after 2 snow days. The kids were nuts! I am not sure I can do tht again anytime soon.
The weekend was great. Friday night the kids left to go to their dads. Saturday night the hubby and I went out for dinner, then hit up a local bar for some pool and darts. It was a good time. I like that we can hang like that and have fun. I hope he thinkgs its just as fun..lol, I think most husbands would rather go out with buddies or something.
This week is a short work week for me. I only work 3 days, then I have a 4 day weekend. I know I dont work full time, but sometimes you just need that break anyway. Saturday night Nick is taking me to a bed and breakfast. Not sure where. I am really excited. I have never been to one before. I am not suppose to know about it, but Pnut let it slip..lol...I dont know what else we will be doing. I cant wait :)
We had some friends over for the superbowl sunday. It was a good time. I am not much into football, mostly because I dont understand it, but I dont mind watching it. The half time show sucked..lol..That was the part I was most looking foreward too, well and the commercials.
Monday, January 31, 2011
My children have never been considered his grandchildren, not as far as I know anyway. He has only met them 1 time. The 2nd time was suppose to be at my grandmothers funeral, but one of the boys ended up sick, and I had no one to watch him, so I had to stay home. I didnt know her well either.
My stepmom is always the one to contact me, I had tried a couple of times to send him an email, and only got one or two word replies, so I gave up. The rejection is just too much for me..yeah, I have daddy issues...thanks dad.
Well, anyway....the boys have been asking alot of questions about him lately, and I dont really have all the answers for them. I really dont know him, and he shows no interest in knowing my children, or me. He has 2 other children, who I dont really know very well either. And he has grandchildren. He spends time with them, but not me or mine. I have never really understood that. Its something he has never explained to me.
I contacted my stepmom today. I told her about the boys questions, gave her my new contact information, and asked her to please let me know next time they are near, so that my boys have a chance to meet him. they were too young to remember the first time, and I would really like them to be able to form their own opinions about him.
They have maybe sent Christmas presents 1 time for the kids, they dont call, they dont write. I am not even sure they know the kids birthdays. or even how old they are. I can understand him not taking an interest in his adult daughter, ok maybe not really seems how I was his firstborn, but to ingore the fact that he has 4 grandkids he dosnt know just baffles me. Its a concept I have never been able to grasp. I really hope they do the right thing and come see them. i think it is something the boys really need.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
There is a winter storm coming, one they are predicting could shut lots of things down. I am kind of excited about it. I love extreme weather, lets just see if I am this excited about it when we are snowed in for a couple of days.
So, Dominic said the other day that his class was pretending to switch families in class. And he said he didnt want to do it, because "he dosnt want to pretend to be in another family, because he loves this one the way it is." It really makes me feel so good to hear my children talk that way. Seriously, my boys are awesome! They are a light in this life, I cant even imagine what things would be like without them.
This is gonna be a busy week. I dont have another day off till Friday. Unless we get snowed in, then I guess I wont be going to work.
We have cable again, I really missed it. I love watching the news, and now I get to do it again. I dont know why I like it so much, but it is one of my favorite things to watch on TV. Of course, right now I am watching a Hallmark movie that is making me cry..lol...go figure.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Now, before you read farther please know, I love my job. The people I work for are wonderful, and they try so hard to give me the time i need with my family, but there is only so much they can do.
The working nights part of my job is really starting to get to me. Its been a year of working mostly nights, and I am really feeling the pain of it now. There is so much I dont know about my boys these days. I can feel the distance it has caused between them and I. It is a distance I had to struggle to close after the ex left, and I was finally able to be the mom they deserved to have. And now that gap is getting wide again, and I cant handle it. I miss them. I look at them, and I cant believe how much they have grown in the last year. I miss out on the school stuff, and dinners with them, helping them with their home work. Everything. I miss out on everything. When did Michael shoot up to be almost as tall as me? When did it happen, because I really dont know. I missed it. I was working.
No need to tell me I should be grateful for having a job. I really am. That is not anything close to what I am talking about here. I do love my job. I love being a mom more.
Friday, January 14, 2011
As a mother, I cant even begin to imagine what his mother is going through, and what she will be going through for years to come. The loss of a child has to be enough to make your world crumble. Every time I think of the pain she must be feeling it makes me cry.
He was Eddies little buddy too.
They will be laying to rest a wonderful light this morning. i can only hope, on a day like today, that they will remember his smile, i know I do
Monday, January 10, 2011
The holidays are over. We have moved. Life is good.
Where do I start? There is so much, I will probably forget half of it.
Packing was so frustrating, and so was moving day. I really am glad that part is over. I had a really hard time getting us packed this time, and up until the end, didn't really get much help with it. Nick was working long hours and going to school, and I just hated the idea of packing everything up again. Loved the idea of moving, but not the packing part.
We LOVE LOVE LOVE our place. Oh my gosh. Our family is so happy in this house. I cant even begin to describe how it feels to be here. Every day the boys tell us how much they love their new rooms. They hug us constantly, and tell us thank you. Michael is very excited to have a yard again. He is the one that is outside the most. They love having separate rooms, they get along much better that way. And they have a basement to run around in.
I love the kitchen, even though I am not home often enough at night to do much cooking in it, but I do love it. It is so open, and has so much space to store things. With a family this size, we needed that storage space so bad. The basement is a big help in that area as well. Things we don't use on a daily basis don't have to be stored right in our way, we have a basement for that now. I am not totally in love with the laundry situation, but at least the area where the laundry is, is big, and not too scary. I am not a fan of basements, but I am getting use to having to go down there to do laundry.
I was pretty cranky around Christmas time. I didn't like the boys being gone. I dealt with it, but I wasn't the happiest I could be. Turns out, I had a right to be unhappy about it. My boys didn't have a very good Christmas this year. I am sure they got lots of new stuff, but the day was not a good one for them. Instead of taking them to his moms like he usually does, their dad decided to take them to a party, with a bunch of people he didn't know. It turned out bad, he called some guy a name, and the guy attacked him. With my children at the party, they attacked. Thank goodness someone had enough sense to keep the kids inside while it happened, but that just goes to show that whoever kept them inside knew it was gonna happen. So anyway, D walked outside, and 2 guys followed. The first hit knocked him out for several minutes, the next few hits, broke his cheek bones, and his nose, and did something to his jaw. The damage to his brain left him temporarily blind in one eye. The boys were there for it all. Seeing their dad that way had to be very traumatic for them. I am mad still, and will be for a long time. I have contacted a counselor for the boys, because Logan has been very mean to his brothers since then. I am frustrated that even at the age of 33, and being the father of 4 beautiful boys, has not made my ex husband grow up. He continues to take them to parties, or have wild crazy ones of his own with them there. But of course "he isn't to blame, its everyone Else's fault".
Anyway :) We had Christmas with Nicks aunt Paula yesterday. It was fun. I am ready for this holiday stuff to be over, but we have one more to do. This Saturday we will have the boys Christmas with my mom. Nick and I did ours on Christmas day, but the boys weren't with us. They are pretty excited about it. They haven't seen my mom in a while. Then the holiday stuff will be completely done, and we can move on with life.
So my best buddy has moved in with us till he can get a place of his own. It is sad really. Him and his wife are splitting, and he is living in a small space in our basement. I wish I had more room to offer him, but he seems OK with it. I just feel bad because I don't want to take a room away from the boys, but yet, i feel guilty that he only has a small space to call his own. Anyway, neither one of them was happy, so I guess the separation was bound to happen eventually. I know it has to be hard on them, and really, its kind of hard on me as well. These are 2 friends that have been at my side for a long time, and I hate to see them going through this. I remember the pain of it. I try not to press him to talk about it. His kids are coming this weekend to stay. I cant wait to see them, but I am not sure how they will be. I hope they are doing OK with it all. I remember how hard it was on the boys.
Nick and I are doing well, he puts up with my moodiness when life gets crazy. He is a great man. I am so lucky to have him in my life. To call myself his wife, it is amazing. I swear I love him more and more with every breath. Mushy huh?
Work is going good for Nick. He is scheduled to take a welding test on Wednesday, and if he passes it will get him a good size raise, and closer to being hired in. I am excited for him. He seems to really like working there, I wasn't sure he would. Factory jobs are so monotonous, but he deals with it well. It is the long hours that kick his butt. He rarely ever turns it down. As far as I know school is going ok for him. He dosnt really talk about it much, so I never really know. It just seems to be something he keeps to himself. Even when I ask questions, he doesn't really have alot to say. So I just don't much anymore..lol..
I am doing good. For some reason I am really tired lately. If i hadn't had my tubes tied, i would swear I was pregnant..lol...I think its just the events of the past month. I just feel exhausted. Maybe I am not eating right. I don't really eat often, and it seems lately its at crazy times. Work is good. I am still enjoying it. Still not enjoying the night time hours away from the boys, but one day that will change. It is just a matter of waiting. I have alot more responsibilities there then just front of store sales. Sometimes I wonder if i work enough hours to cover all that responsibility...lol....But I get it done. This week is gonna be a little crazy, because of someone being gone, so I have more nights then I really wanted, but its money.
I was gonna try to do a show this summer with some jewelry, but during the move, my bead box got tumbled around, so now i have the job of sorting thousands of beads. its no ones fault really, the box got taken before i had a chance to label it. I was just hoping to make enough money off some of my creations to take my family on its first real vacation this summer. So I am disappointed about that, but what ya gonna do? Now I have the task of sorting them, something I already know i will fail at, because after a couple of days of sorting, I will be frustrated. there are alot of beads there..lol...
So, now I am off to get some things done, this morning is already flying by. Hopefully I will get a chance to update again soon, I miss writing in my blog.