Monday, January 31, 2011

unsure

I always have a hard time knowing if I am doing the right thing when I take the chance of contacting my father.  There is only so much rejection that one person can pass out, and I have had my fill when it comes to him.  I dont know  him well enough to really have alot of bad things to say.  I just dont have alot of good things either. 

My children have never been considered his grandchildren, not as far as I know anyway.  He has only met them 1 time.  The 2nd time was suppose to be at my grandmothers funeral, but one of the boys ended up sick, and I had no one to watch him, so I had to stay home.  I didnt know her well either. 

My stepmom is always the one to contact me, I had tried a couple of times to send him an email, and only got one or two word replies, so I gave up.  The rejection is just too much for me..yeah, I have daddy issues...thanks dad.

Well, anyway....the boys have been asking alot of questions about him lately, and I dont really have all the answers for them.  I really dont know him, and he shows no interest in knowing my children, or me.  He has 2 other children, who I dont really know very well either.  And he has grandchildren.  He spends time with them, but not me or mine.  I have never really understood that.  Its something he has never explained to me.

I contacted my stepmom today.  I told her about the boys questions, gave her my new contact information, and asked her to please let me know next time they are near, so that my boys have a chance to meet him.  they were too young to remember the first time, and I would really like them to be able to form their own opinions about him.

They have maybe sent Christmas presents 1 time for the kids, they dont call, they dont write.  I am not even sure they know the kids birthdays. or even how old they are.  I can understand him not taking an interest in his adult daughter, ok maybe not really seems how I was his firstborn, but to ingore the fact that he has 4 grandkids he dosnt know just baffles me.  Its a concept I have never been able to grasp.  I really hope they do the right thing and come see them.  i think it is something the boys really need.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I keep thinking of all these things I always want to put in my blog, but by the time I take a minute to get on here and post, I dont remember it, or its just old news anyway. 

There is a winter storm coming, one they are predicting could shut lots of things down.  I am kind of excited about it.  I love extreme weather, lets just see if I am this excited about it when we are snowed in for a couple of days. 

So, Dominic said the other day that his class was pretending to switch families in class.  And he said he didnt want to do it, because "he dosnt want to pretend to be in another family, because he loves this one the way it is."  It really makes me feel so good to hear my children talk that way. Seriously, my boys are awesome!  They are a light in this life, I cant even imagine what things would be like without them. 

This is gonna be a busy week.  I dont have another day off till Friday.  Unless we get snowed in, then I guess I wont be going to work. 

We have cable again, I really missed it.  I love watching the news, and now I get to do it again.  I dont know why I like it so much, but it is one of my favorite things to watch on TV.  Of course, right now I am watching a Hallmark movie that is making me cry..lol...go figure. 

Monday, January 17, 2011

Torn in 2

I am really struggling right now, and it is getting to the point where I am frustrated all the time.  I dont mean to be, but its just getting to that point.

Now, before you read farther please know, I love my job.  The people I work for are wonderful, and they try so hard to give me the time i need with my family, but there is only so much they can do.

The working nights part of my job is really starting to get to me.  Its been a year of working mostly nights, and I am really feeling the pain of it now.  There is so much I dont know about my boys these days.  I can feel the distance it has caused between them and I.  It is a distance I had to struggle to close after the ex left, and I was finally able to be the mom they deserved to have.  And now that gap is getting wide again, and I cant handle it.  I miss them.  I look at them, and I cant believe how much they have grown in the last year.  I miss out on the school stuff, and dinners with them, helping them with their home work.  Everything.  I miss out on everything.  When did Michael shoot up to be almost as tall as me? When did it happen, because I really dont know.  I missed it.  I was working.

No need to tell me I should be grateful for having a job.  I really am.  That is not anything close to what I am talking about here.  I do love my job.  I love being a mom more. 

Friday, January 14, 2011

A little sad today

Maybe more than a little.  My friend Ed lost his nephew to a car accident early Tuesday morning.  He was 21 years old.  My heart hurts for the family.  I hadnt seen Curt in a couple of years, but what I remember most about him is his infectious smile.  I swear that boy always had a smile on his face when I seen him.

As a mother, I cant even begin to imagine what his mother is going through, and what she will be going through for years to come.  The loss of a child has to be enough to make your world crumble.  Every time I think of the pain she must be feeling it makes me cry. 

He was Eddies little buddy too. 

They will be laying to rest a wonderful light this morning.  i can only hope, on a day like today, that they will remember his smile, i know I do

Monday, January 10, 2011

Updating

Well, so many things have happened and changed since I last posted.  Time flies when you are having fun.

The holidays are over. We have moved.  Life is good.

Where do I start?  There is so much, I will probably forget half of it.

Packing was so frustrating, and so was moving day.  I really am glad that part is over.  I had a really hard time getting us packed this time, and up until the end, didn't really get much help with it.  Nick was working long hours and going to school, and I just hated the idea of packing everything up again.  Loved the idea of moving, but not the packing part. 

We LOVE LOVE LOVE our place.  Oh my gosh.  Our family is so happy in this house.  I cant even begin to describe how it feels to be here.  Every day the boys tell us how much they love their new rooms.  They hug us constantly, and tell us thank you.  Michael is very excited to have a yard again.  He is the one that is outside the most.  They love having separate rooms, they get along much better that way.  And they have a basement to run around in.

I love the kitchen, even though I am not home often enough at night to do much cooking in it, but I do love it.  It is so open, and has so much space to store things.  With a family this size, we needed that storage space so bad.  The basement is a big help in that area as well.  Things we don't use on a daily basis don't have to be stored right in our way, we have a basement for that now.  I am not totally in love with the laundry situation, but at least the area where the laundry is, is big, and not too scary.  I am not a fan of basements, but I am getting use to having to go down there to do laundry. 

I was pretty cranky around Christmas time.  I didn't like the boys being gone.  I dealt with it, but I wasn't the happiest I could be.  Turns out, I had a right to be unhappy about it.  My boys didn't have a very good Christmas this year. I am sure they got lots of new stuff, but the day was not a good one for them.  Instead of taking them to his moms like he usually does, their dad decided to take them to a party, with a bunch of people he didn't know.  It turned out bad, he called some guy a name, and the guy attacked him.  With my children at the party, they attacked.  Thank goodness someone had enough sense to keep the kids inside while it happened, but that just goes to show that whoever kept them inside knew it was gonna happen.  So anyway, D walked outside, and 2 guys followed.  The first hit knocked him out for several minutes, the next few hits, broke his cheek bones, and his nose, and did something to his jaw.  The damage to his brain left him temporarily blind in one eye.  The boys were there for it all.  Seeing their dad that way had to be very traumatic for them.   I am mad still, and will be for a long time.  I have contacted a counselor for the boys, because Logan has been very mean to his brothers since then.  I am frustrated that even at the age of 33, and being the father of 4 beautiful boys, has not made my ex husband grow up.  He continues to take them to parties, or have wild crazy ones of his own with them there.  But of course "he isn't to blame, its everyone Else's fault".

Anyway :)  We had Christmas with Nicks aunt Paula yesterday.  It was fun.  I am ready for this holiday stuff to be over, but we have one more to do.  This Saturday we will have the boys Christmas with my mom.  Nick and I did ours on Christmas day, but the boys weren't with us.  They are pretty excited about it.  They haven't seen my mom in a while.  Then the holiday stuff will be completely done, and we can move on with life. 

So my best buddy has moved in with us till he can get a place of his own.  It is sad really.  Him and his wife are splitting, and he is living in a small space in our basement.  I wish I had more room to offer him, but he seems OK with it.  I just feel bad because I don't want to take  a room away from the boys, but yet, i feel guilty that he only has a small space to call his own.  Anyway, neither one of them was happy, so I guess the separation was bound to happen eventually.  I know it has to be hard on them, and really, its kind of hard on me as well.  These are 2 friends that have been at my side for a long time, and I hate to see them going through this.  I remember the pain of it.  I try not to press him to talk about it.  His kids are coming this weekend to stay.  I cant wait to see them, but I am not sure how they will be.  I hope they are doing OK with it all.  I remember how hard it was on the boys.

Nick and I are doing well, he puts up with my moodiness when life gets crazy.  He is a great man.  I am so lucky to have him in my life.  To call myself his wife, it is amazing.  I swear I love him more and more with every breath.  Mushy huh?

Work is going good for Nick.  He is scheduled to take a welding test on Wednesday, and if  he passes it will get him a good size raise, and closer to being hired in.  I am excited for him.  He seems to really like working there, I wasn't sure he would.  Factory jobs are so monotonous, but he deals with it well.  It is the long hours that kick his butt.  He rarely ever turns it down.  As far as I know school is going ok for him.  He dosnt really talk about it much, so I never really know.  It just seems to be something he keeps to himself.  Even when I ask questions, he doesn't really have alot to say.  So I just don't much anymore..lol..

I am doing good.  For some reason I am really tired lately.  If i hadn't had my tubes tied, i would swear I was pregnant..lol...I think its just the events of the past month.  I just feel exhausted.  Maybe I am not eating right.  I don't really eat often, and it seems lately its at crazy times.  Work is good.  I am still enjoying it.  Still not enjoying the night time hours away from the boys, but one day that will change.  It is just a matter of waiting.  I have alot more responsibilities there then just front of store sales.  Sometimes I wonder if i work enough hours to cover all that responsibility...lol....But I get it done.  This week is gonna be a little crazy, because of someone being gone, so I have more nights then I really wanted, but its money.

I was gonna try to do a show this summer with some jewelry, but during the move, my bead box got tumbled around, so now i have the job of sorting thousands of beads.  its no ones fault really, the box got taken before i had a chance to label it.  I was just hoping to make enough money off some of my creations to take my family on its first real vacation this summer.  So I am disappointed about that, but what ya gonna do?  Now I have the task of sorting them, something I already know i will fail at, because after a couple of days of sorting, I will be frustrated.  there are alot of beads there..lol...

So, now I am off to get some things done, this morning is already flying by.  Hopefully I will get a chance to update again soon, I miss writing in my blog.