Monday, January 17, 2011

Torn in 2

I am really struggling right now, and it is getting to the point where I am frustrated all the time.  I dont mean to be, but its just getting to that point.

Now, before you read farther please know, I love my job.  The people I work for are wonderful, and they try so hard to give me the time i need with my family, but there is only so much they can do.

The working nights part of my job is really starting to get to me.  Its been a year of working mostly nights, and I am really feeling the pain of it now.  There is so much I dont know about my boys these days.  I can feel the distance it has caused between them and I.  It is a distance I had to struggle to close after the ex left, and I was finally able to be the mom they deserved to have.  And now that gap is getting wide again, and I cant handle it.  I miss them.  I look at them, and I cant believe how much they have grown in the last year.  I miss out on the school stuff, and dinners with them, helping them with their home work.  Everything.  I miss out on everything.  When did Michael shoot up to be almost as tall as me? When did it happen, because I really dont know.  I missed it.  I was working.

No need to tell me I should be grateful for having a job.  I really am.  That is not anything close to what I am talking about here.  I do love my job.  I love being a mom more. 

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