Sunday, October 23, 2011

See you again one day Aunt Sue

I have never seen a family bonded together they way I see my in-laws. It is amazing to me the way they all come together when things happen. Good and bad. They pull off of each others strength in the times that they really need it. It is something you dont see very often anymore in families.

Aunt Sue passed away on Friday, October 21. She was an amazingly fantastic woman, and her absense will be felt for a very long time. I was drawn to her from the moment I met her. This family has lost a true gem of a woman. I cant even imagine what her daughter is going through. She has now lost both of her parents to cancer.

My father in law called me on Friday morning and asked me to get ahold of Nick. I called him home from work. Telling him she was on the edge of passing was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was a rough day indeed.

I wasnt able to be there with him when she passed. I had to get the kids off to there dads. I was just on my way when we got the call that it was over. I know there will be more to come in the future, but to see that kind of pain in my husbands eyes is one of the worst things ever. He was very close to her. It has been an emotional weekend for sure.

Monday, October 3, 2011

People Pleaser

No, not in a dirty way. lol

I was just sitting here thinking about how it is I get myself into some deep do do sometimes. I am prettty sure I have it all figured out. Well I think I do anyway.

I absolutely hate when people are unhappy with me. It is a feeling I cant handle. Something that has always been completely out of control. To the point that it causes me to have some major anxiety. I find this to be a problem in all walks of life, it hides in every little corner of my being. I dont like being that way. I just is what it is.

So often I get taken advantage of, or get put in very uncomfortable situations because I am afraid the word NO will make me disliked. I dont have a problem with it when it comes to my children, but in all other relationships it has always been like that. Confrontation is not my friend. I cower in the face of it.

I am always so afraid that people will walk out of my life if i refuse them things. Even the people I dont want in my life, I find myself letting them walk all over me as well. That doesnt bother me so much. Its when the people who are suppose to love me do it that i realize it becomes a problem. And that problem is, that people get to know that of me, and they think its ok to manipulate it to be what they want. The people that know me best, know thay can bend my mind in ways that no others can.

People so close to me do this because they know me so well. And I dont think it is always on purpose, its just they way I let myself be treated. It hurts. So dont ever think it doesnt. I know when it is being done, but like I said before, I cower at confrontation. I hate it, I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the fact that it makes me cry. It sucks. And before you say, "why dont you change it", think of what it may be like to walk in the shoes of someone who is like that. It is a personality trait that isnt so easily changed. A fear that freezes you up, and jumbles your mind. Almost as if it is a phobia.

I know to some this may sound like a bunch of rambling, but to me it makes sense.