No, not in a dirty way. lol
I was just sitting here thinking about how it is I get myself into some deep do do sometimes. I am prettty sure I have it all figured out. Well I think I do anyway.
I absolutely hate when people are unhappy with me. It is a feeling I cant handle. Something that has always been completely out of control. To the point that it causes me to have some major anxiety. I find this to be a problem in all walks of life, it hides in every little corner of my being. I dont like being that way. I just is what it is.
So often I get taken advantage of, or get put in very uncomfortable situations because I am afraid the word NO will make me disliked. I dont have a problem with it when it comes to my children, but in all other relationships it has always been like that. Confrontation is not my friend. I cower in the face of it.
I am always so afraid that people will walk out of my life if i refuse them things. Even the people I dont want in my life, I find myself letting them walk all over me as well. That doesnt bother me so much. Its when the people who are suppose to love me do it that i realize it becomes a problem. And that problem is, that people get to know that of me, and they think its ok to manipulate it to be what they want. The people that know me best, know thay can bend my mind in ways that no others can.
People so close to me do this because they know me so well. And I dont think it is always on purpose, its just they way I let myself be treated. It hurts. So dont ever think it doesnt. I know when it is being done, but like I said before, I cower at confrontation. I hate it, I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the fact that it makes me cry. It sucks. And before you say, "why dont you change it", think of what it may be like to walk in the shoes of someone who is like that. It is a personality trait that isnt so easily changed. A fear that freezes you up, and jumbles your mind. Almost as if it is a phobia.
I know to some this may sound like a bunch of rambling, but to me it makes sense.
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