Monday, November 14, 2011

Changes at work

We had a meeting at work tonight, and there are some changes coming up that I am really excited about. Its exciting really. In the end it will most likely get me more hours. 

I really like working for Rapid refill. It is an amazing company and I totally agree with what it stands for.  My bosses are amazing, and are so family oriented.  I'm grateful every day for that blessing. 

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Better

I am feeling so much better about things lately. After almost a month of feeling like life was drowning me, I am starting to come up out of it. After writing it all down, and meditation, I finally found the source of what was causing so much of my internal discomfort. It all stems from one thing, and I internalized it too much, and added to it.
I wont go into too much detail, but someone in my life has really let me down. No, its not my husband. It is someone I am suppose to look up to, and admire. Part of who I get my personality from. So when that let down happened, that disappointment, I started to question myself, and if they were doing these things, then maybe I was wired that way as well. I took that, and just went with it, added to it, and dragged more feelings and emotions into it, until it was tearing me apart, and questioning every aspect of my life.
I have apologized to those who needed it, and cut those emotions that were making me feel like that. I am not that person, and I make this life what I want it to be. What others chose to do with their lives does not define me, or my relationship with my husband, or my children, and unless given good reason, I should not question that. I was having a hard time, I figured out the source, and corrected it..
I am completely disappointed by someone I should be looking up to. But, it is not my life, or my choices they are making, and so I chose to move on. I chose to not be a part of that. I chose Me, and my family that I am raising. Those choices they are making are no longer allowed to affect me. It is not my problem, and I refuse for it to be a problem for my family. It will no longer bring me down, and cause me to question every aspect of my life, and the people in it.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

upside down.

That is how I feel lately...Inside out, upside down, sideways and backwards...every which way but normal. My anxiety levels are through the roof. Its been that way for a few weeks now. I'm starting to feel a tad bit crazy.

I know part of whats wrong, but a part of me feels like it is selfish and petty. But is it selfish and petty to be afraid, ask that it be fixed, without a valid reason except a deep nagging feeling I have? I guess maybe that is where the anxiety come in. That, and I just need some positive things to happen. I need some scrap of positive energy to latch onto, because mine is fading fast.

I feel like things are so ass backwards right now, and I have no idea how to fix those feelings. My anxiety is so bad right now that my blood pressure is up..I can feel it.

Financially things are really hard as well. We make enough money to cover the bills, and I am really grateful for that. In fact, that feels like a great accomplishment in a time where so many people cant do that. For that, I am content with. But my mind works in a way that says "what if". Maybe its just because I am a mom, and I know that I have four children who depend on me. Right now, I just don't feel very dependable. I feel like I am drowning.

I am at a place in my life where I am so very happy. I have 4 amazing boys, that make me even more proud every day, and a husband that I am so in love with, I often wonder if its a fairy tale. I am at a wonderful place with all this. Maybe that's what the anxiety is about. That part of my life is so good, I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I had a conversation with my cousin yesterday, and we talked about our childhoods. How we, instead of forming attachments to people, often detach ourselves from the ones we love the most because no one ever sticks around. Including ourselves. I didn't form attachments to people because I was always leaving them behind with the next move. Its always been that way for me.

With that being said, maybe that's my biggest problem. I'm so in love with this life, I am just waiting for it to move on away from me. And that scares the hell out of me. Some things have come up lately, and it makes me even more anxiety filled, and frightened. No matter how I explain my feelings, they just don't come out right. They make me seem needy and helpless, and it really doesn't have anything to do with that. How do you move past things that bother you so much, without them leaving such a scar on the inside?

My world has been shattered and broken, a few times in this life. I have done a good job healing from it, but I have the scars. They live on the inside of me, and even though you cant see them, it doesn't mean they aren't there. It doesn't mean they don't come to the surface from time to time. Eventually they fade away again for a while. As I grow older they show less often, but they are there..Those kind of scars never completely go away.

I have been moody, emotional, and hard to be around lately. I know it, and I'm sorry to any of those caught in the crossfire. I don't mean for it to be this way, but my scars are on the surface, and I wear my heart on my sleeve...A very difficult combination.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Just an update

So, we had our Halloween party, and it went off without a hitch (for the most part). We worked hard at decorating, spent money we couldnt really afford to spend, and the party ended by 9:30pm. That is seriously the earliest end to a party we have ever had. I have to say, next year, someone else will spend the time and money it takes to throw it, because I wont do it again anytime soon. The costumes were great, and a good time was had, but we were not just a stopping point to get your drink on. Financially we shouldnt have had it, but we did it because we didnt want to let anyone down, next year, I dont care :)

The boys had conferences last week. All are amazing. But I knew that anyway...I am a proud mom for sure. Logan is struggling, but he is doing the best he can, and the teachers notice that. Steven has some missing assignments, but is still passing all his classes with flying colors. Dominic is getting all A's, and has absolutely no missing work. Michael is doing well, he is on a pass/fail grading scale, and he is passing everything. I am such a proud mom, and they are amazing boys. i couldnt, and wouldnt ask for more. They are a bright light in this world.

They are talking about opening up the hiring freeze where Nick works. Its about time, he has been at that place for over a year, and deserves to be hired in. I got almost full time hours this week. Its kicking my butt, but I am so grateful for it at this time. Things are so tight for us right now, and I was stressing pretty bad about it for a while, but I have decided to stop stressing because it doesnt help anything at all. I am a little worried about Christmas this year. But that too will work itself out.

I went through a bout of depression for a few weeks, but I feel like I am back on track now. Still a little iffy from it, but its looking up. Stupid hormones..lol..Once i get back on thyroid meds it will hopefully be better. Just need insurance for that.