Tuesday, November 8, 2011

upside down.

That is how I feel lately...Inside out, upside down, sideways and backwards...every which way but normal. My anxiety levels are through the roof. Its been that way for a few weeks now. I'm starting to feel a tad bit crazy.

I know part of whats wrong, but a part of me feels like it is selfish and petty. But is it selfish and petty to be afraid, ask that it be fixed, without a valid reason except a deep nagging feeling I have? I guess maybe that is where the anxiety come in. That, and I just need some positive things to happen. I need some scrap of positive energy to latch onto, because mine is fading fast.

I feel like things are so ass backwards right now, and I have no idea how to fix those feelings. My anxiety is so bad right now that my blood pressure is up..I can feel it.

Financially things are really hard as well. We make enough money to cover the bills, and I am really grateful for that. In fact, that feels like a great accomplishment in a time where so many people cant do that. For that, I am content with. But my mind works in a way that says "what if". Maybe its just because I am a mom, and I know that I have four children who depend on me. Right now, I just don't feel very dependable. I feel like I am drowning.

I am at a place in my life where I am so very happy. I have 4 amazing boys, that make me even more proud every day, and a husband that I am so in love with, I often wonder if its a fairy tale. I am at a wonderful place with all this. Maybe that's what the anxiety is about. That part of my life is so good, I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I had a conversation with my cousin yesterday, and we talked about our childhoods. How we, instead of forming attachments to people, often detach ourselves from the ones we love the most because no one ever sticks around. Including ourselves. I didn't form attachments to people because I was always leaving them behind with the next move. Its always been that way for me.

With that being said, maybe that's my biggest problem. I'm so in love with this life, I am just waiting for it to move on away from me. And that scares the hell out of me. Some things have come up lately, and it makes me even more anxiety filled, and frightened. No matter how I explain my feelings, they just don't come out right. They make me seem needy and helpless, and it really doesn't have anything to do with that. How do you move past things that bother you so much, without them leaving such a scar on the inside?

My world has been shattered and broken, a few times in this life. I have done a good job healing from it, but I have the scars. They live on the inside of me, and even though you cant see them, it doesn't mean they aren't there. It doesn't mean they don't come to the surface from time to time. Eventually they fade away again for a while. As I grow older they show less often, but they are there..Those kind of scars never completely go away.

I have been moody, emotional, and hard to be around lately. I know it, and I'm sorry to any of those caught in the crossfire. I don't mean for it to be this way, but my scars are on the surface, and I wear my heart on my sleeve...A very difficult combination.

No comments: