Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Some Updates

I know I have been so horrible at keeping up with this blog in the last year.  Life has just been so busy, and I don't want to feel like I am just here to whine.  That isn't what this blog is about.

Things are going ok right now.  Financially we are struggling, but then, when are we not?!

I am still working the same job.  In November will be celebrating my 3 year anniversary with the same company.  I still love working here, retail is kinda my thing. It is a wonderful company to work for.

I am also selling Scentsy, and Perfectly Posh.  I love them both.  I did my first event last Saturday, and what a great experience that was.  Scentsy kind of sells itself, but Posh you really have to work at.  Its still a new company, only a year old.  So not alot of people have heard of it.  I love it thought.

If you want to check out my sites you can.
Perfectly Posh:
www.perfectlyposh.us/poshtara
www.facebook.com/getposhedwithtara

Scentsy:
atouchofscent.scentsy.us
www.facebook.com/scentsbytj

Nick has been working on an office for me in the basement.  That way our living room isn't overflowing with stuff from both companies..lol.  It is a disaster right now.  Pure craziness.  I am not excited by the idea of the basement, I don't like basements, but its the only option at this point.

Nick is still at the same job.  Now that he knows it a little better he isn't as miserable, thank goodness.  He gets insurance, paid holidays, and sick days.  Your lucky to find a job with benefits these days.

The boys are back in school.  They still seem to really like it.  They are doing well.  I was hoping to be able to get them into some sports this year, but its just too expensive.  So we just don't do any of it at all.

Money is so tight, and I am getting tired of it.  It needs to change.  We work our tails off, and still we cant pay everything, or get ahead.  We still only have 1 vehicle.  A small car for a family of 6.  It just doesn't work. I'm getting so irritated that life keeps throwing us into this situation.  We haven't done anything to deserve it.  I just need for the money situation to get better.

So, my mom moved to the same town as me.  We haven't lived this close since I was 18. Its a little different. She decided a house was too much since my gma is gone, and I think its better for her to start fresh.  I think she will love it.  She got a cute little apartment, that will be easier for her to keep up on.

Well, I am sure I have alot more to talk about, but right now, I have things I need to get done :)

Thursday, July 26, 2012

It Changes You.

I have been meaning to post this for awhile, but I have strayed away from this for a while.  Life is a little hard and confusing at the moment.  I dont know how to keep going without the one constant that had always been there, the one thing in my life that never changed.  I had my Gma.  She's gone, I dont know how to let go of that and move on with life.  It lingers with my every thought, my every motion, my every tear.  I break down all of the time, at random moments.  I snap at my husband, my children.  My moods swing high, and low, and every other direction they might be able to go.

It changes you.  Watching someone you love so much, leave this world for the next.  Holding their hand as they slip away, knowing that the final goodbye is within minutes.  It changes the way you see life, the way you dream, the way you think.  Everything changes.  I watched her as she took her last breath, as her heart beat one last time.  She was not in pain. I was. My heart hurts as much now, as it did then.  I am so glad I was with her, but a part of me wishes I could have been with her with my eyes closed, if that makes any sense.  I think of how she looked, how she felt, before and after.

This is the first time I have lost someone so close to me, and it digs into me every day. I have not been able to pull myself out of this deep dark hole it threw me into.  I have learned not to take it out on those closest to me, but still, it has changed me.  I dont know where to go from here.  Thinking I need help, I dont know. My emotions are raw, my attitude...hard.

Monday, May 21, 2012

My new adventure

So, I have decided to sigh up as an Independant Consultant for Perfectly Posh.  I dont usually do this kind of thing, but a friend was telling me about it, I checked it out, and I just had a feeling I should.  So, I did.  I followed a gut feeling when I decided to sign up, and I really feel like I did the right thing.  So far I really love this company, and the excitement all the consultants feel.  I cant wait to really delve into it.  I want to do vendor shows, and just have alot of fun with it.  I have a really good feeling about it all.

So, this is what I am selling.  Follow the link, it will take you to my site :    http://www.perfectlyposh.us/poshtara/

you can shop this site know that there are no harsh chemical products in them.

I have a blog about it :
http://getposhedwithtara.blogspot.com/

On this blog I will update on products, focus on one type at a time, so you can really get to know them.  I will advertise, but hopefully in a creative way. 

Join my Facebook page :
http://www.facebook.com/GetPoshedWithTara#!/GetPoshedWithTara

Share my info, follow my pages.  Get the word out. 

Thursday, May 10, 2012

My Gma

I havent blogged in a while because so much has been going on.  I just couldnt face the blog world.

My Gma passed away 1 week ago today.  My heart is still broken at this point.  I have done well getting back into the world, but that day I lost a part of me that can never be replaced.  I piece of my heart only a special Grandma can fill. 

She was such a fighter.  Her first run with cancer she fought so hard to get through it.  She was a true warrior in this life.  Her second run with it just left her to weak, and sick.  She was doing well, and then suddenly she wasnt.  Her body just couldnt put up the fight any more.

At this time 1 week ago, the doctors came in and told us what was going on.  That they suspected she wouldnt make it more than 24 hours.  But that they were looking into Hospice care for the coming days, just in case she did.  In other words, she wouldnt be in this world for long.  I believe she was ready to be at peace at this point. So we called all the family we could think of, and some friends that we thought might want to say goodbye. 

As the day progressed she smiled at us, and talked to us a bit.  Her last words to me were "I love you baby girl".  I am so glad that I can have those last words as my memory, because so much of that day was so painful.  Friends and family streamed in through out the day to say their goodbyes.  I think it was the longest day of my life.  Knowing that I was watching her slip away.

She had been breathing the same most of the day, so Nick took me to dinner.  We got a call as soon as we sat down to eat that we needed to get back.  When I got there, she was barely breathing.  It happened so fast.  I sobbed and sobbed...and sobbed some more.  I have never cried so hard in my life.  I held her hand, and kissed her alot, an sobbed some more. Finally around 6 she stopped all breathing, we called the nurse in, and she called her time of death.  The room erupted in noise and commotion. 

I held her hand as she passed on, took her last breath.  I feel a bit selfish for not moving, but I couldnt let her go without touching her during the last moments of her life. 

I dont know if you believe in soul mates, but I do..I believe in many types of them.  Not just lover, but friend, family, animal.  I believe they come in every shape and form, and in all walks of life.  I believe in having many of them, in different ways .  To me a soul mate is someone you have been close to in this life, and others before it.  I feel so strongly that my gma was a mate to my soul.  Someone I have come through many lives with, and someone I will meet again in the next.  Our cosmic story is not over yet, it cant be. 

I still cannot imagine this world without her in it.  She was the only constant in this life of mine.  The one who was always there.  I dont know what to do without her.  Who do I call? Who will hold my hand?

I miss her so much already.

Through all of this, my husband has been my rock.  He has comforted me in a way no other can.  He loved my gma too, and still he holds strong for me.  He eases my pain every day.  Through it all, he knew exactly when to hold my hand, when to hug me, and when to give me space.  He has been absolutely amazing.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

my wish

is that just once, somone puts me before the thrill of alcohol.  just once.  One person can make that commitment to make me feel like I dont have to compete with a substance.  Thats all

Monday, March 12, 2012

This was in my back yard.


Friday, March 2, 2012

A Little of Everything

Life is crazy as a mother of 4, with an almost full time job now. I am so grateful for the hours, but I am falling behind in everything. I have no social time, I have to blow off the few friends I have so often I am surprised they are still hanging on. I don't get any 1 on 1 time with the boys, something I always prided myself on before. I'm an emotional mess during my best time, and disastrous crybaby at my worst..lol..OK, not really, I just feel like I am losing my grip on time.

I am trying very hard to make up a chore list for the boys, because I just cant keep up with it all, and Nick works to many hours a week to have the energy to get any of it done. Laundry is the worst, so I think, with Michael being a teenager now, that he will be doing his own from now on. I just need to make sure he understands how to do it. Maybe if i write it up, he will be able to do it. I don't fold their clothes anymore, they have to do it. The only time I do, is if they are sick, or I need to go through them and take out worn, or small clothing. Logan and Steven are horrible about taking care of their rooms, Dominic and Michael prefer theirs to be neat and tidy. My room.....well, we wont even go there..lol...

I need to get my laundry room organized and that will help. We have this amazing basement, and even after a year, we have yet to put it to good use. We have a habit of just throwing things down there. I need to take a day with the boys, and just get to working on it. i have a really nice laundry area, that if organized, would be an awesome space. My home has so many possibilities for organization, we just aren't organized people.

The boys have been sick. They are cycling through strep throat. Michael had it first, missed a few days, then Dominic, Steven, and now Logan. Logan seemed to be hit with more symptoms than the rest. Poor guy. He went back to school today, but he still isn't 100%. Urgent care should know who we are by now. I have been fighting to stay healthy. Ive been loading up on my vitamins, and my morning smoothie helps. Nick has been able to fight it all off somehow.

Speaking of my morning smoothie...Most mornings, I drink a smoothie of spinach leaves, strawberries, banana, and mango...sometimes blueberries..soy milk, and yogurt. Most of my stomach problems(except the ones caused by fighting off kids illnesses) are gone. No more making sure I am near a bathroom at all times, and that kind of thing. It is really exciting for me...the best part, since the new year, I have lost 16lbs. That in itself is amazing, seems how I am fighting against an under active thyroid. Talk about jumping for joy!

I have insurance now..I don't know if I posted about that or not. Nick and I have it through his work. I have yet to see a doctor, but I am going to take the time to find one this weekend..We have dental, medical, and optical!!!! I cant wait to make use of it. Especially the dental. i have had tooth pain for 3 years now. I'm tired of having to be so careful with my teeth.

Nick isn't really liking the job he was hired in for. In fact, I am pretty sure he hates it. He is being so great about it though. He is amazing. He took half a day off to take care of Logan, because he gets paid days off and I don't.

And can I say, his step dad skills are great! The boys love him..they look up to him. Steven is his little buddy. he has adapted to the sarcasm well..lol..nick is a good teacher. Steven has blossomed under Nicks supervision. i am so happy with my family.

Conferences are coming up next week, and Michael's IEP is the week after that. Hopefully no one will be grounded after next week...Logan has a habit of not doing his work..And if he does, it doesn't get turned in. that is so frustrating.

Things at work are changing. I cant really go into detail at the moment, but will tell when I can.

My ex husband had child support lowered by $750 a month. Now that its so low, he still isn't freaking paying it. What makes me mad the most is the fact that he acts all high and mighty about it. I'm disgusted with the FOC for letting this happen, and letting my boys down. They deserve so much more than that. He said its the economy, but I don't see him trying to get another job. That's just incredibly wrong. His reasoning for having it lowered was so that he could afford to at least pay something, and now, its just as sporadic as it was before. I'm so over it. He has to pay a total of $235 a month for 4 boys and wont even do that. I remember how badly he use to talk about others when they didn't pay the way they were supposed to, and now he is doing the same thing, but because its him and not them, its OK. Poor Denny..He makes me sick.

So anyway. My gma had her first round of chemo last week. It kicks her butt. I haven't been able to see her because of the boys being sick. Its frustrating.

I guess my mom and gma are still planning on moving to Arizona. But the house isn't on the market yet, and with my gma not doing so well, I just don't understand how that move is going to happen. But, its still in the plans, so I will help any way I can I guess. I don't really want my gma to go, but there is nothing I can do. She is her own person. i think its a mistake..but then, i thought them buying the house was a mistake as well.

Monday, February 13, 2012


Thursday, February 9, 2012

So Tired

So, this is the first time I have been close to full time work since becoming the mom of 4. I have been lucky so far, but now....WOW! I am working 5 days a week now, and I love the paychecks. I actually feel like I am contributing to the bills, and helping out. BUT....I am so exhausted. I am having a hard time keeping up with the house, the kids, and work. And then to have energy to spend time hanging with my husband. By Friday I am dragging ass for sure :)
I am still working 2 nights a week, and 3 days. I dont work most weekends, and that is ok with me. I dont like working weekends, and this works out perfect for me. I have to work them once in a while, but not too often.
Work for Nick is going well. We finally have insurance. I told Nick that my insurance card coming in the mail is the best Valentines present ever. I havent had insurance in 10 years, and I am so excited. Nervous too..I am afraid there might be so many things wrong with me..lol..
Steven and Dominic got glasses. Logan got new, updated ones. So far Logans and Dominics are fine, but only a month after getting them, Stevens glasses are bent bad. I dont even want to know how much its going to cost to fix them. Oh well...whats a mom to do..
This winter has been so mild. We have had hardly any snow. 2 decent size snow storms that left us with snow, and a few mild snowfalls...Thats about it. If its gonna be cold I would at least like something pretty to look at :).

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Turning back Time

So this post may get lengthy, but then again, it may also get straight to the point.

I have been having a lot of trouble falling asleep at night. And as I lay they, I often think about when the boys were newborn-toddler age. I have way too many regrets to list, but I often just wish I could roll back the clock and do it over.

I feel like I failed them so severely, and even though they are well adjusted, amazing boys, I often wonder if they would be more outgoing and snuggly if I had only been a different kind of mom. I have alot of regrets as a mother. So many that it hurts my heart severely.

I feel like most of the time I just wasnt there for them the way I should have been. I was raised by 2 women who sometimes kept me at arms length emotionally, and I think that in turn I did that to my children as well. I had no patience for their needs, although needs were not neglected. I was not patient at all. I didnt even know the meaning of the word at that time in my life.

I had my oldest when I was 21, and I know for a fact that I was not ready or qualified to be a mother at that age. I did it the only way I knew how. He was a high spirited, often obnoxious child. I didnt know what to do with him, so I just let him be that way, with very little understanding of how a mom should really be. Until I found out he was autistic, I really had no knowledge of how to deal with him.

Logan came along, and I decided staying at home wasnt for me. I went to work. I took a job that kept me away from home 11 hours a day. At that point in our lives it was the best thing for us. I really did not know how to be a good mom. I cant say I was horrible at it, I just didnt feel like I was a great one. Going to work was my saving grace, for my husband as well. He didnt like being around us, so I fixed that. At that time, I got the boys up and around on my own before the ex husband rolled out of bed, took them to daycare, and got them home and in bed before he ever stepped foot back into the house.

Twins.....Wow, what can you say about that. That was the 3rd pregnancy, and final one. I had my tubes tied. Shortly after they were born I went through a slight depression. I was 25 years old, and the mother of 4 boys under the age of 5. It took me a few months to figure out how to handle it all. I went back to being a stay at home mom after that,without much help from the husband at all. But in having to deal with it all on my own, I finally started to think differently. That doesnt mean I was the best mom ever. But I finally got it. I was becoming the mom I always thought I could be, but didnt have the patience for, before that moment.

I often look back and wonder what the boys personalities would be like if I hadnt held them away from me emotionally. Would they be different? Or, would they possibly be just the same. Its something I think about more then I have ever been willing to admit. It makes me cry. I love my boys with every breath I take, and every part of who I am. I am a better mom now. I rarely yell, and my boys like that. I do too.

Every day I get lots of smiles and hugs, and I know that I am doing right by them now. We say I love you, ALOT...And never go without hugs. When I realized it was time for a change, I hugged them randomely throughout the day, and it is something we have all grown more comfortable with.

I have never ever been abusive to my children. But I was distant. It is something I cant take back, and that kills me.

Now that I am older and wiser, I want more children. I love them all, and would be happy with a few more..lol..I know, crazy right. Nick and I have talked about adoption, but that is as far as it has gone. I think he liked the idea more before he came home from the Army, than he does now. He always says we arent financially ready, but what I hear is, no, I changed my mind, I dont want more then what we have now. My arms ache for a baby. I want more of them. Even if they come from another mom, I want more. The night my sister in law told me she was pregnant, I cried myself to sleep. After Nick was fully asleep of course.

Through all this, the one thing I learned is I will always put my children first, and I will never go back to the mom I was before..

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I don't know if I posted about my grandmas back surgery, but she is finally home, after a month of hospital, and rehab. She is well on her way to healing, and I am so happy for that. It was touch and go for a while, and I was really scared she wasn't going to make it. There were several times she could have passed on. But she held on, I am so grateful for that.

So while she was there, she had some CT scans done. And well, they are pretty sure her cancer is back. I just don't even know what to say about it, except that.....This cant be happening. She has beaten 2 stage 4 cancers in 4 years, and now this. I don't know how to live a life without my gma in it, and I know eventually I will have to, but I am not ready. I am not sure I will ever be ready. I just have no words...really I don't.

I was a mess at work today, and I don't see it getting any better. I need her to be OK.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Im actually making a goal

I never set goals for myself because I am just not strong enough to follow through with them. But this year I am making it my goal to lose and maintain weight. 50 lbs by our 2 year anniversary is my goal, and then maintaining that loss. I figure if I put it down in my blog that I may be more apt to follow through with it. I want this for myself. I want to feel good when I look in the mirror, I want to feel sexy when my husband looks at me. I just want this. I know he says I am sexy, but I want to feel it too. So that is my goal. I dont know how I will go about doing it, but as of this week I will have insurance, so I can see a doctor, and get things straight. Once on my thyroid meds, then maybe it will work. So, there it is. The first ever New years resolution. Now, who wants to help me..lol...cuz I know my husband wont...