Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Turning back Time

So this post may get lengthy, but then again, it may also get straight to the point.

I have been having a lot of trouble falling asleep at night. And as I lay they, I often think about when the boys were newborn-toddler age. I have way too many regrets to list, but I often just wish I could roll back the clock and do it over.

I feel like I failed them so severely, and even though they are well adjusted, amazing boys, I often wonder if they would be more outgoing and snuggly if I had only been a different kind of mom. I have alot of regrets as a mother. So many that it hurts my heart severely.

I feel like most of the time I just wasnt there for them the way I should have been. I was raised by 2 women who sometimes kept me at arms length emotionally, and I think that in turn I did that to my children as well. I had no patience for their needs, although needs were not neglected. I was not patient at all. I didnt even know the meaning of the word at that time in my life.

I had my oldest when I was 21, and I know for a fact that I was not ready or qualified to be a mother at that age. I did it the only way I knew how. He was a high spirited, often obnoxious child. I didnt know what to do with him, so I just let him be that way, with very little understanding of how a mom should really be. Until I found out he was autistic, I really had no knowledge of how to deal with him.

Logan came along, and I decided staying at home wasnt for me. I went to work. I took a job that kept me away from home 11 hours a day. At that point in our lives it was the best thing for us. I really did not know how to be a good mom. I cant say I was horrible at it, I just didnt feel like I was a great one. Going to work was my saving grace, for my husband as well. He didnt like being around us, so I fixed that. At that time, I got the boys up and around on my own before the ex husband rolled out of bed, took them to daycare, and got them home and in bed before he ever stepped foot back into the house.

Twins.....Wow, what can you say about that. That was the 3rd pregnancy, and final one. I had my tubes tied. Shortly after they were born I went through a slight depression. I was 25 years old, and the mother of 4 boys under the age of 5. It took me a few months to figure out how to handle it all. I went back to being a stay at home mom after that,without much help from the husband at all. But in having to deal with it all on my own, I finally started to think differently. That doesnt mean I was the best mom ever. But I finally got it. I was becoming the mom I always thought I could be, but didnt have the patience for, before that moment.

I often look back and wonder what the boys personalities would be like if I hadnt held them away from me emotionally. Would they be different? Or, would they possibly be just the same. Its something I think about more then I have ever been willing to admit. It makes me cry. I love my boys with every breath I take, and every part of who I am. I am a better mom now. I rarely yell, and my boys like that. I do too.

Every day I get lots of smiles and hugs, and I know that I am doing right by them now. We say I love you, ALOT...And never go without hugs. When I realized it was time for a change, I hugged them randomely throughout the day, and it is something we have all grown more comfortable with.

I have never ever been abusive to my children. But I was distant. It is something I cant take back, and that kills me.

Now that I am older and wiser, I want more children. I love them all, and would be happy with a few know, crazy right. Nick and I have talked about adoption, but that is as far as it has gone. I think he liked the idea more before he came home from the Army, than he does now. He always says we arent financially ready, but what I hear is, no, I changed my mind, I dont want more then what we have now. My arms ache for a baby. I want more of them. Even if they come from another mom, I want more. The night my sister in law told me she was pregnant, I cried myself to sleep. After Nick was fully asleep of course.

Through all this, the one thing I learned is I will always put my children first, and I will never go back to the mom I was before..


Natural1s said...

I learned a lot from reading your post today. My mom is somewhat like you said you were before you learned to be the mom that you are today. I have often wished my mom was the type of mom that I have watched on old television reruns. She hasn't changed much since I was little. She has grandchildren now and still has not become the mother or grandmother I wish she was. After reading your post I realized she may not be happy with her motherly ways either. I am going to reach out to her and see if I can make a better connection for our relationship as well as the grandchildren's relationship with her.

Tara Johnson said...

Thank you. It is a hard pill to swallow some days. But, my boys love me, and show me every day that they do. I hope you are able to accomplish something by reaching out to your mom. I find it better for me to keep my distance from mine, because I know she hasnt ever changed.