I havent blogged in a while because so much has been going on. I just couldnt face the blog world.
My Gma passed away 1 week ago today. My heart is still broken at this point. I have done well getting back into the world, but that day I lost a part of me that can never be replaced. I piece of my heart only a special Grandma can fill.
She was such a fighter. Her first run with cancer she fought so hard to get through it. She was a true warrior in this life. Her second run with it just left her to weak, and sick. She was doing well, and then suddenly she wasnt. Her body just couldnt put up the fight any more.
At this time 1 week ago, the doctors came in and told us what was going on. That they suspected she wouldnt make it more than 24 hours. But that they were looking into Hospice care for the coming days, just in case she did. In other words, she wouldnt be in this world for long. I believe she was ready to be at peace at this point. So we called all the family we could think of, and some friends that we thought might want to say goodbye.
As the day progressed she smiled at us, and talked to us a bit. Her last words to me were "I love you baby girl". I am so glad that I can have those last words as my memory, because so much of that day was so painful. Friends and family streamed in through out the day to say their goodbyes. I think it was the longest day of my life. Knowing that I was watching her slip away.
She had been breathing the same most of the day, so Nick took me to dinner. We got a call as soon as we sat down to eat that we needed to get back. When I got there, she was barely breathing. It happened so fast. I sobbed and sobbed...and sobbed some more. I have never cried so hard in my life. I held her hand, and kissed her alot, an sobbed some more. Finally around 6 she stopped all breathing, we called the nurse in, and she called her time of death. The room erupted in noise and commotion.
I held her hand as she passed on, took her last breath. I feel a bit selfish for not moving, but I couldnt let her go without touching her during the last moments of her life.
I dont know if you believe in soul mates, but I do..I believe in many types of them. Not just lover, but friend, family, animal. I believe they come in every shape and form, and in all walks of life. I believe in having many of them, in different ways . To me a soul mate is someone you have been close to in this life, and others before it. I feel so strongly that my gma was a mate to my soul. Someone I have come through many lives with, and someone I will meet again in the next. Our cosmic story is not over yet, it cant be.
I still cannot imagine this world without her in it. She was the only constant in this life of mine. The one who was always there. I dont know what to do without her. Who do I call? Who will hold my hand?
I miss her so much already.
Through all of this, my husband has been my rock. He has comforted me in a way no other can. He loved my gma too, and still he holds strong for me. He eases my pain every day. Through it all, he knew exactly when to hold my hand, when to hug me, and when to give me space. He has been absolutely amazing.
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