Thursday, July 26, 2012

It Changes You.

I have been meaning to post this for awhile, but I have strayed away from this for a while.  Life is a little hard and confusing at the moment.  I dont know how to keep going without the one constant that had always been there, the one thing in my life that never changed.  I had my Gma.  She's gone, I dont know how to let go of that and move on with life.  It lingers with my every thought, my every motion, my every tear.  I break down all of the time, at random moments.  I snap at my husband, my children.  My moods swing high, and low, and every other direction they might be able to go.

It changes you.  Watching someone you love so much, leave this world for the next.  Holding their hand as they slip away, knowing that the final goodbye is within minutes.  It changes the way you see life, the way you dream, the way you think.  Everything changes.  I watched her as she took her last breath, as her heart beat one last time.  She was not in pain. I was. My heart hurts as much now, as it did then.  I am so glad I was with her, but a part of me wishes I could have been with her with my eyes closed, if that makes any sense.  I think of how she looked, how she felt, before and after.

This is the first time I have lost someone so close to me, and it digs into me every day. I have not been able to pull myself out of this deep dark hole it threw me into.  I have learned not to take it out on those closest to me, but still, it has changed me.  I dont know where to go from here.  Thinking I need help, I dont know. My emotions are raw, my attitude...hard.