They call me T

2012-02-13T17:05:00.001-05:00

So Tired

2012-02-09T09:42:00.005-05:00

So, this is the first time I have been close to full time work since becoming the mom of 4. I have been lucky so far, but now....WOW! I am working 5 days a week now, and I love the paychecks. I actually feel like I am contributing to the bills, and helping out. BUT....I am so exhausted. I am having a hard time keeping up with the house, the kids, and work. And then to have energy to spend time hanging with my husband. By Friday I am dragging ass for sure :)

I am still working 2 nights a week, and 3 days. I dont work most weekends, and that is ok with me. I dont like working weekends, and this works out perfect for me. I have to work them once in a while, but not too often.

Work for Nick is going well. We finally have insurance. I told Nick that my insurance card coming in the mail is the best Valentines present ever. I havent had insurance in 10 years, and I am so excited. Nervous too..I am afraid there might be so many things wrong with me..lol..

Steven and Dominic got glasses. Logan got new, updated ones. So far Logans and Dominics are fine, but only a month after getting them, Stevens glasses are bent bad. I dont even want to know how much its going to cost to fix them. Oh well...whats a mom to do..

This winter has been so mild. We have had hardly any snow. 2 decent size snow storms that left us with snow, and a few mild snowfalls...Thats about it. If its gonna be cold I would at least like something pretty to look at :).

Turning back Time

2012-02-01T12:57:00.002-05:00

So this post may get lengthy, but then again, it may also get straight to the point.

I have been having a lot of trouble falling asleep at night. And as I lay they, I often think about when the boys were newborn-toddler age. I have way too many regrets to list, but I often just wish I could roll back the clock and do it over.

I feel like I failed them so severely, and even though they are well adjusted, amazing boys, I often wonder if they would be more outgoing and snuggly if I had only been a different kind of mom. I have alot of regrets as a mother. So many that it hurts my heart severely.

I feel like most of the time I just wasnt there for them the way I should have been. I was raised by 2 women who sometimes kept me at arms length emotionally, and I think that in turn I did that to my children as well. I had no patience for their needs, although needs were not neglected. I was not patient at all. I didnt even know the meaning of the word at that time in my life.

I had my oldest when I was 21, and I know for a fact that I was not ready or qualified to be a mother at that age. I did it the only way I knew how. He was a high spirited, often obnoxious child. I didnt know what to do with him, so I just let him be that way, with very little understanding of how a mom should really be. Until I found out he was autistic, I really had no knowledge of how to deal with him.

Logan came along, and I decided staying at home wasnt for me. I went to work. I took a job that kept me away from home 11 hours a day. At that point in our lives it was the best thing for us. I really did not know how to be a good mom. I cant say I was horrible at it, I just didnt feel like I was a great one. Going to work was my saving grace, for my husband as well. He didnt like being around us, so I fixed that. At that time, I got the boys up and around on my own before the ex husband rolled out of bed, took them to daycare, and got them home and in bed before he ever stepped foot back into the house.

Twins.....Wow, what can you say about that. That was the 3rd pregnancy, and final one. I had my tubes tied. Shortly after they were born I went through a slight depression. I was 25 years old, and the mother of 4 boys under the age of 5. It took me a few months to figure out how to handle it all. I went back to being a stay at home mom after that,without much help from the husband at all. But in having to deal with it all on my own, I finally started to think differently. That doesnt mean I was the best mom ever. But I finally got it. I was becoming the mom I always thought I could be, but didnt have the patience for, before that moment.

I often look back and wonder what the boys personalities would be like if I hadnt held them away from me emotionally. Would they be different? Or, would they possibly be just the same. Its something I think about more then I have ever been willing to admit. It makes me cry. I love my boys with every breath I take, and every part of who I am. I am a better mom now. I rarely yell, and my boys like that. I do too.

Every day I get lots of smiles and hugs, and I know that I am doing right by them now. We say I love you, ALOT...And never go without hugs. When I realized it was time for a change, I hugged them randomely throughout the day, and it is something we have all grown more comfortable with.

I have never ever been abusive to my children. But I was distant. It is something I cant take back, and that kills me.

Now that I am older and wiser, I want more children. I love them all, and would be happy with a few more..lol..I know, crazy right. Nick and I have talked about adoption, but that is as far as it has gone. I think he liked the idea more before he came home from the Army, than he does now. He always says we arent financially ready, but what I hear is, no, I changed my mind, I dont want more then what we have now. My arms ache for a baby. I want more of them. Even if they come from another mom, I want more. The night my sister in law told me she was pregnant, I cried myself to sleep. After Nick was fully asleep of course.

Through all this, the one thing I learned is I will always put my children first, and I will never go back to the mom I was before..

2012-01-17T22:35:00.003-05:00

I don't know if I posted about my grandmas back surgery, but she is finally home, after a month of hospital, and rehab. She is well on her way to healing, and I am so happy for that. It was touch and go for a while, and I was really scared she wasn't going to make it. There were several times she could have passed on. But she held on, I am so grateful for that.

So while she was there, she had some CT scans done. And well, they are pretty sure her cancer is back. I just don't even know what to say about it, except that.....This cant be happening. She has beaten 2 stage 4 cancers in 4 years, and now this. I don't know how to live a life without my gma in it, and I know eventually I will have to, but I am not ready. I am not sure I will ever be ready. I just have no words...really I don't.

I was a mess at work today, and I don't see it getting any better. I need her to be OK.

Im actually making a goal

2012-01-02T19:52:00.002-05:00

I never set goals for myself because I am just not strong enough to follow through with them. But this year I am making it my goal to lose and maintain weight. 50 lbs by our 2 year anniversary is my goal, and then maintaining that loss. I figure if I put it down in my blog that I may be more apt to follow through with it. I want this for myself. I want to feel good when I look in the mirror, I want to feel sexy when my husband looks at me. I just want this. I know he says I am sexy, but I want to feel it too. So that is my goal. I dont know how I will go about doing it, but as of this week I will have insurance, so I can see a doctor, and get things straight. Once on my thyroid meds, then maybe it will work. So, there it is. The first ever New years resolution. Now, who wants to help me..lol...cuz I know my husband wont...

Less than 2 weeks

2011-12-13T09:29:00.003-05:00

Yep, less than 2 weeks until Christmas. I'm pretty sure the boys are most excited about Christmas break at this point. Those 2 weeks of break are like summer vacation to them..lol

We have a decent start on our shopping, but we have a ton more to do. We only have 2 things for Michael so far. I am not use to buying for a teenager. The other boys are pretty easy, they still like toys..

We have Nicks family party this weekend. Its a long drive, I hope the weather holds out for us. I hate driving long distances in bad weather.

So, last year D and I agreed to do every other weekend, and every other Thanksgiving with the boys, so that they wouldn't be ripped from place to place on Christmas day, when they should be enjoying and relaxing with their new stuff that day. I think it is only fair to them. So last year I had them for Thanksgiving, and he had them for Christmas. He just had them for Thanksgiving, and it is my year for Christmas. Well now that it is my turn, he has apparently decided that it isn't fair that he wont get them at all on Christmas day. After cussing me out over text messaging 2 weeks ago, he hasn't contacted me since. I don't understand why it is he thinks that he is so much more important then everyone else, and what he says is law. We don't have a set visitation schedule in our divorce papers, so I guess I will write up some papers, and head to court. That way its all legal, on paper, and there will be no more reason for him to contact me in that way. I'm tired of his crap. I didn't see them at all last Christmas, and now he thinks it isn't fair because its his turn. He has always been welcome in our home, so he can see them that day. I wont deny him some time with them, but its my Christmas with them this year, and that's the way it will stay. He is welcome to stop in to see them. But his way of thinking is I am trying to screw him over, when really all I am trying to do is what is best for the boys. I am tired of him, in every way you can possibly imagine.

Tis the Season

2011-12-01T09:15:00.004-05:00

The Holidays are here. Well, one is past tense already. Thanksgiving was a good time. We went to Nick's parents house. It was a small gathering this year. The boys went to their dads, so it was Aunt Paula and Zach, Chris and Randy, and Nick and I. My mom and grandma were invited, but chose to stay home. It was a quiet relaxing day. Lots of good food, and a little wine. I was disappointed that my mom and gma didnt come, but they wanted to have a quiet night at home.

So, I know that Thanksgiving is over, but I wanted to post about what I am thankful for. The list can go on and on, because my life is blessed. Even when it feels like all is lost, I am still blessed. I have 4 amazing boys who are ready with smiles for me on a daily basis. That is something I often take for granted. They are such a gift in this life, gems that sparkle every day. I wasnt always a good mom, I was too busy and didnt have enough patience when they were little, and I see how that has affected them to this day. But putting them at the top of my list has changed all that, and although I cant get those days back, I can strive to be the best mom I know how to be, every day. I love them with every part of my being, and I am so proud of all the accomplishments they have made. They are amazing little men..

My husband...What can I say? I dont even know where to begin. He is so patient with me, sometimes way more then I deserve. He has proven time and again his love and devotion to me, and I couldnt ask for a better partner in this life. He gets me...Not always, all the way, but he does. He puts up with my insecurities, something I have been working on for a long time now, and may always be a work in progress. He loves these boys as if he fathered them, and never complains about all the responsibilites he has taken on by taking on this family. He is the best kind of friend that anyone could have. I love him with my whole heart.

I am thankful for everything we have. A roof over our head, steady jobs, and at least 1 vehicle that runs good. I am thankful for the food we are able to put out every day.

So.....On to some really good news! Nick finally has a hire in date! We are so relieved. December 18th! He has been working at this place for over a year, and I am so glad they have finally given him a light at the end of that tunnel. The temp agency has been good to him, but its definitely time for him to have this moment. He deserves this. The hire in is moving him to a job that he isnt extremely excited about, but he said he will deal.

Not sure what is ahead for January, one of our daytime workers is leaving. Not sure if it will be temporary, or for good. I dont want to see him go, that part sucks. But, it does open up some daytime hours, and I can only hope that my bosses give me the chance to prove myself worthy of some of those hours.

I am gonna do my Christmas shopping for Nick this weekend. I cant wait. Its gonna be a strange weekend. The boys go to their dads, and Nick is going to his aunt and uncles farm to do some work..For the first time in over 2 years, I will be alone. I dont know how to deal with it..lol..

Changes at work

2011-11-14T21:15:00.001-05:00

We had a meeting at work tonight, and there are some changes coming up that I am really excited about. Its exciting really. In the end it will most likely get me more hours.

I really like working for Rapid refill. It is an amazing company and I totally agree with what it stands for. My bosses are amazing, and are so family oriented. I'm grateful every day for that blessing.

Better

2011-11-13T22:23:00.003-05:00

I am feeling so much better about things lately. After almost a month of feeling like life was drowning me, I am starting to come up out of it. After writing it all down, and meditation, I finally found the source of what was causing so much of my internal discomfort. It all stems from one thing, and I internalized it too much, and added to it.

I wont go into too much detail, but someone in my life has really let me down. No, its not my husband. It is someone I am suppose to look up to, and admire. Part of who I get my personality from. So when that let down happened, that disappointment, I started to question myself, and if they were doing these things, then maybe I was wired that way as well. I took that, and just went with it, added to it, and dragged more feelings and emotions into it, until it was tearing me apart, and questioning every aspect of my life.

I have apologized to those who needed it, and cut those emotions that were making me feel like that. I am not that person, and I make this life what I want it to be. What others chose to do with their lives does not define me, or my relationship with my husband, or my children, and unless given good reason, I should not question that. I was having a hard time, I figured out the source, and corrected it..

I am completely disappointed by someone I should be looking up to. But, it is not my life, or my choices they are making, and so I chose to move on. I chose to not be a part of that. I chose Me, and my family that I am raising. Those choices they are making are no longer allowed to affect me. It is not my problem, and I refuse for it to be a problem for my family. It will no longer bring me down, and cause me to question every aspect of my life, and the people in it.

upside down.

2011-11-08T22:14:00.005-05:00

That is how I feel lately...Inside out, upside down, sideways and backwards...every which way but normal. My anxiety levels are through the roof. Its been that way for a few weeks now. I'm starting to feel a tad bit crazy.

I know part of whats wrong, but a part of me feels like it is selfish and petty. But is it selfish and petty to be afraid, ask that it be fixed, without a valid reason except a deep nagging feeling I have? I guess maybe that is where the anxiety come in. That, and I just need some positive things to happen. I need some scrap of positive energy to latch onto, because mine is fading fast.

I feel like things are so ass backwards right now, and I have no idea how to fix those feelings. My anxiety is so bad right now that my blood pressure is up..I can feel it.

Financially things are really hard as well. We make enough money to cover the bills, and I am really grateful for that. In fact, that feels like a great accomplishment in a time where so many people cant do that. For that, I am content with. But my mind works in a way that says "what if". Maybe its just because I am a mom, and I know that I have four children who depend on me. Right now, I just don't feel very dependable. I feel like I am drowning.

I am at a place in my life where I am so very happy. I have 4 amazing boys, that make me even more proud every day, and a husband that I am so in love with, I often wonder if its a fairy tale. I am at a wonderful place with all this. Maybe that's what the anxiety is about. That part of my life is so good, I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I had a conversation with my cousin yesterday, and we talked about our childhoods. How we, instead of forming attachments to people, often detach ourselves from the ones we love the most because no one ever sticks around. Including ourselves. I didn't form attachments to people because I was always leaving them behind with the next move. Its always been that way for me.

With that being said, maybe that's my biggest problem. I'm so in love with this life, I am just waiting for it to move on away from me. And that scares the hell out of me. Some things have come up lately, and it makes me even more anxiety filled, and frightened. No matter how I explain my feelings, they just don't come out right. They make me seem needy and helpless, and it really doesn't have anything to do with that. How do you move past things that bother you so much, without them leaving such a scar on the inside?

My world has been shattered and broken, a few times in this life. I have done a good job healing from it, but I have the scars. They live on the inside of me, and even though you cant see them, it doesn't mean they aren't there. It doesn't mean they don't come to the surface from time to time. Eventually they fade away again for a while. As I grow older they show less often, but they are there..Those kind of scars never completely go away.

I have been moody, emotional, and hard to be around lately. I know it, and I'm sorry to any of those caught in the crossfire. I don't mean for it to be this way, but my scars are on the surface, and I wear my heart on my sleeve...A very difficult combination.

Just an update

2011-11-05T14:05:00.002-04:00

So, we had our Halloween party, and it went off without a hitch (for the most part). We worked hard at decorating, spent money we couldnt really afford to spend, and the party ended by 9:30pm. That is seriously the earliest end to a party we have ever had. I have to say, next year, someone else will spend the time and money it takes to throw it, because I wont do it again anytime soon. The costumes were great, and a good time was had, but we were not just a stopping point to get your drink on. Financially we shouldnt have had it, but we did it because we didnt want to let anyone down, next year, I dont care :)

The boys had conferences last week. All are amazing. But I knew that anyway...I am a proud mom for sure. Logan is struggling, but he is doing the best he can, and the teachers notice that. Steven has some missing assignments, but is still passing all his classes with flying colors. Dominic is getting all A's, and has absolutely no missing work. Michael is doing well, he is on a pass/fail grading scale, and he is passing everything. I am such a proud mom, and they are amazing boys. i couldnt, and wouldnt ask for more. They are a bright light in this world.

They are talking about opening up the hiring freeze where Nick works. Its about time, he has been at that place for over a year, and deserves to be hired in. I got almost full time hours this week. Its kicking my butt, but I am so grateful for it at this time. Things are so tight for us right now, and I was stressing pretty bad about it for a while, but I have decided to stop stressing because it doesnt help anything at all. I am a little worried about Christmas this year. But that too will work itself out.

I went through a bout of depression for a few weeks, but I feel like I am back on track now. Still a little iffy from it, but its looking up. Stupid hormones..lol..Once i get back on thyroid meds it will hopefully be better. Just need insurance for that.

See you again one day Aunt Sue

2011-10-23T12:41:00.002-04:00

I have never seen a family bonded together they way I see my in-laws. It is amazing to me the way they all come together when things happen. Good and bad. They pull off of each others strength in the times that they really need it. It is something you dont see very often anymore in families.

Aunt Sue passed away on Friday, October 21. She was an amazingly fantastic woman, and her absense will be felt for a very long time. I was drawn to her from the moment I met her. This family has lost a true gem of a woman. I cant even imagine what her daughter is going through. She has now lost both of her parents to cancer.

My father in law called me on Friday morning and asked me to get ahold of Nick. I called him home from work. Telling him she was on the edge of passing was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was a rough day indeed.

I wasnt able to be there with him when she passed. I had to get the kids off to there dads. I was just on my way when we got the call that it was over. I know there will be more to come in the future, but to see that kind of pain in my husbands eyes is one of the worst things ever. He was very close to her. It has been an emotional weekend for sure.

People Pleaser

2011-10-03T18:18:00.002-04:00

No, not in a dirty way. lol

I was just sitting here thinking about how it is I get myself into some deep do do sometimes. I am prettty sure I have it all figured out. Well I think I do anyway.

I absolutely hate when people are unhappy with me. It is a feeling I cant handle. Something that has always been completely out of control. To the point that it causes me to have some major anxiety. I find this to be a problem in all walks of life, it hides in every little corner of my being. I dont like being that way. I just is what it is.

So often I get taken advantage of, or get put in very uncomfortable situations because I am afraid the word NO will make me disliked. I dont have a problem with it when it comes to my children, but in all other relationships it has always been like that. Confrontation is not my friend. I cower in the face of it.

I am always so afraid that people will walk out of my life if i refuse them things. Even the people I dont want in my life, I find myself letting them walk all over me as well. That doesnt bother me so much. Its when the people who are suppose to love me do it that i realize it becomes a problem. And that problem is, that people get to know that of me, and they think its ok to manipulate it to be what they want. The people that know me best, know thay can bend my mind in ways that no others can.

People so close to me do this because they know me so well. And I dont think it is always on purpose, its just they way I let myself be treated. It hurts. So dont ever think it doesnt. I know when it is being done, but like I said before, I cower at confrontation. I hate it, I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the fact that it makes me cry. It sucks. And before you say, "why dont you change it", think of what it may be like to walk in the shoes of someone who is like that. It is a personality trait that isnt so easily changed. A fear that freezes you up, and jumbles your mind. Almost as if it is a phobia.

I know to some this may sound like a bunch of rambling, but to me it makes sense.

Catching up

2011-09-29T23:02:00.000-04:00

I get so many ideas on what I want to write when I dont have the ability to get on here and post, and then when I do, none of it comes to mind. That is seriously irritating...lol, im gonna start carrying around a notebook to write my thoughts out in, so that when I have the time to blog, I will remember what I wanted to say.

The first month of school for the boys is almost up. For the most part things are going well. Steven is getting all A's. Michael is getting a pass in all his classes so far (they grade him differently). Dominic is doing A work in all of his classwork, except language arts. Logan....what do I even say about that. We got progress reports last Friday. In 14 days of school, he has not turned in 8 assignments. Unacceptable...Needless to say, he is grounded for a bit. The teacher was nice enough to give him another copy of all his missing work. The work he does turn in gets good grades.

Work for me is going really well. It has its ups and downs of course, but I love my job. I know I probably post that in every blog I post, but it is the truth. My bosses are amazing. They have given me daytime hours on Monday now. Its nice having the extra day on my paycheck. I would like to keep moving up in ranks there, but it has been slow (not complaining). I am just use to moving up fast in my jobs. Its always been like that for me. But this is a smaller company, a more personal one, and I am happy with that. Most days I am there give me a great sense of accomplishment. Its just an all around great place to be. I work nights 2 days a week, and that part is still hard on me, but it works out ok.

Nicks job is going OK. He isnt real excited about it. I wish there was something available close to home that makes him feel excited about going to work every day. I dont like feeling like he is making such an unhappy sacrifice for us. He does it for us, I know he does.

So, the last week the boys spent with their dad over the summer was not the greatest thing. They came home with heads full of lice. They all had long hair, and I had to give them buzz cuts. If they had been brought home earlier that day, I might have been able to get it all out, but it was late at night, and I had to go to the store to get shampoo for it. Even buzzing it all off, and shampooing we still didnt get to bed until 3am. I was so mad. Logan cried when I cut his hair. His was so cute.

I am having a really hard time keeping up with the house. That extra day Im not home really hurts the housework. I dont really care though. Its not dirty, its just cluttered..I worked on the living room today before work, got most of that done. Tomorrow I focus on the kitchen. It needs alot of work..

My facebook page for my jewelry is coming along nicely. I dont have too much time to work on stuff lately, but some day I will get more made. I really enjoy making jewelry. I thought I would never find something I really enjoyed, and could make money off of, but I did. I only wish I had money to put into it to really get it started, but that will come in time.

Nick has decided that school is not his thing right now. He is taking a break. Thats really all I have to say on that subject.

I cant believe it is the end of September already. Where has the time gone!? We are planning our Halloween party. Nicks favorite holiday. It will be a good time.

So, this might sound a little crazy but, I have seen a ton of trains lately. I know it isnt significant to you, but its huge for me. My grandfather was crazy about trains. He loved them. The last 2 weeks I have been stopped by them at intersections several times, and I hardly ever seem them around here. I just cant help bout feel like that is my grandpa saying hello, and telling me to slow down and enjoy life. It is just a feeling I get.

A few things

2011-08-08T18:53:00.002-04:00

We had Michaels Bday party. Well it was Michael and Whispers party at the same time. It was amazing. We had a really good turn out, and I am so happy for them that so many people showed up. It was important to them that lots of people be there. Good food, good friends, good family time. Just wonderful!

So, we made sure to invite the ex husband, and his family, because we thought it was important for them to be there that day. NONE of them showed up. I was a little mad about it, but I guess it was to be expected. We got a text message from his dad the day after the party, wanting to know what time it was set for. I told him yesterday. And of course he acted like he had no idea. Typical "D" type thing to do. Not surprised at all. Michael was a little upset that they didnt come. But we made his day wonderful anyway. Michael told me yesterday that he hasnt recieved anything from his father for his birthday yet. That makes me a little mad. It is is big TEEN birthday, something he was very excited about, and he couldnt acknowledge it with a gift. There are so many times I just want to smack him upside the head and say "get a clue"!

So this blog entry may just turn into a bitch fest, because honestly, thats my mood. Might want to stop reading here if swear words make your eyes hurt. Just a warning, might not even swear, who knows :)

Financially right now we are drowning. Not as bad as it could be, but not good enough to make us comfortable. It sucks waiting for money, when you never know exactly when it might come. "D" owes over 15 thousand in child support. Alot huh? I could give you the exact amount, but I dont feel like looking it up. It is pathetic really. He had it lowered to 1/4 of what he was paying before, and still isnt making regular payments. I dont understand parents, male or female, who dont support there children in some way. Nick spent over $600 total on school stuff for the kids last year, and their dad didnt offer a dime of help. I can remember when he use to nag on a friend of ours for not paying when he should, but now that the shoe is on his foot, he has lots of excuses. I try so hard not to speak ill of him most of the time, but sometimes I just have to let it out, and what better way to do it with a bunch of people that dont know him. Instead of paying child support, he has a bunch of people living with him that arent even related. His girlfriends family I guess. Its what the boys have told me anyway. They said its just too crowded there. I am not surprised, but I wish he would stop dragging people into the boys life who arent gonna stay there. He just needs to grow up, and stop pretending the world only revolves around his wants and needs.

Speaking of parents. How does one just walk out on there child, or children, and then play the victim? I dont understand it, and probaby never will. People drag their children into there drama, when what they should really be doing is pulling on their big girl/boy panties, and deal with it. Keep that shit out of your childrens lives. They dont deserve to be treated that way, they deserve to be sheltered, and kept in innocence as long as possible.

And what is it with people complaining that their children wont listen to them. MAKE THEM! Really, thats what I have to say about it. I dont care how willfull a child is, your the parent.

I am one of those people who dosnt understand addiction. In fact, I dont have alot of sympathy for it at all. I wish I could say I did, but I dont. We all make choices in this life, stop making excuses, and just deal with it. Things happen to us that we want to hide from, but do you not understand that hiding from them dosnt heal them? Ive been through my share of nightmares, addiction runs strong in my family...But I have children, so I chose to end the cycle with my generation. As far as I am concerned, its just that easy. Go to your meetings, stay strong, because those you love feel it too. Send me hate mail if you like, but I choose to put my family above anything that might numb what I feel. They deserve that much.

OK, on with other things..

School starts soon. I am glad for it, I think the boys not being home half the summer sucks. And I think they need to be around other kids. I cant ever put them in summer programs because they go to their dads every other week. So they miss out on that interaction in the summer. I dont think its fair to them. Speaking of school...I have no idea how we will afford school supplies this year. I know we will make due, but its just really scary. I dont want to be in this position anymore.

I have looked for a 2nd job, but really cant find anything that will work with my current job. I am not willing to give up this job. It is just too amazing, and I love it. Babysitting is out of the question unless I watch family members. Child care laws are just too strict with that stuff. I will be getting 6 extra hours every week near the end of the month. That will help alot.

So, Nick is out right now helping his buddy move. The guys girlfriend is causing drama, and the cops were just called. What a bunch of stupid bullshit :)

7/25/11

2011-07-25T21:50:00.002-04:00

I haven't blogged since Fathers Day. I use to be really good about keeping up with it, but it just seems like life is so busy these days.

A few important dates have come and gone, and I havent blogged about any of it.

Mine and Nicks anniversary was June 26th. It came and went really fast. We had lunch on the Friday before. We havent gotten each other anything yet, and it is a month later. I decided I want a tattoo. I am not sure what he wants yet.lol..I cant believe its been a whole year. It has gone by so fast. Not always as smooth as I had hoped for, but it has been so wonderful. I am truly blessed with him by my side.

Michael turned 13 on July 20th. He spent it with his dad, but I got to talk to him on the phone. It was hard for me not to be with him on that day. I cant believe I have been a mom for that long. He is such an amazing boy. Every day he amazes me. He is smart, funny, and so very brave. Most of you know he is Autistic. I am so proud of how far he has come. He is just beautiful inside, and out.

I was left in charge of the store for a whole week. The owners went on vacation, and I ran things while they were gone. I dont honestly know how well I did. I am sure I messed up alot, but it was my first time, and I did the best I could. I will be doing it again, this week. I am not so nervous about it this time around. There are still a few things I am not confident with, but I will do ok. It really makes me feel good that they trust me enough with that kind of responsibility.

We are having Michaels bday party this Saturday. He is really excited about it. We know what we want to get him, we just arent sure if we can afford it. Its something I planned for a long time, but money isnt working the way we had planned. I want this for him, but cash is tight for sure.

My van took a dump on me today. We dont know what is wrong with it exactly. Ive only had it for a year. Its old, and not worth the time or money to fix, but unfortunately we cant afford to get anything different. too many things revolve around money..lol

Happy Fathers Day

2011-06-19T14:57:00.001-04:00

Happy Father's Day. Im never really sure how I feel about this day, it varies from year to year. This year, I am excited about it. Nick is such an amazing step dad, and has taken on a huge responsibility coming into this family. The boys and I celebrated a day early with Nick, part of the day anyway, he went fishing. We made a big breakfast, then he went golfing, and then we did a little shopping for him, and sat by the pool. It was a good day. The kids love having him as a stepdad.

The boys will be going to there dads tonight, and Michael was upset about how that is working out. He asked what time dad was picking them up..I told them between 5 and 6, and he said "so he dosnt want to spend Father's Day with us?" I didnt know what to tell him really. So I told him the truth. That he had the option of taking them as early in the day as he wanted, and this was his choice. I also told him that it was ok to let his dad know how it makes him feel. He turns 13 soon, I dont feel the need to sugar coat it anymore. He dosnt know most details, but there are some like that he is starting to notice on his own. Theyre dad is going to need to take that kind of thing into account now. When he does this, the kids notice. They wanted to spend the day with him, he chose something else.

This last week was a rough one. I was still trying to heal from my jaw problems, and it left me exhausted. The house was a horrible mess from me not feeling well, so I have that to catch up on. I have come close to catching up on the laundry...I think. The boys wont be there next week, so I will get it all done then. I need to find a dentist that will help me. I cant handle being so uncomfortable anymore.

My jewelry making is coming along nicely. I am trying to get more creative, but I am always so afraid to spend the extra money on some of th nicer beads, for fear that no one will buy the more expensive items. I really want to branch out and do more. I still havent tried bracelets yet. I would like to maybe try to make one tonight. We will see. I always have lots of ideas in my head, but they dont always translate well when I am trying to put them together.

I am trying hard to get enough made to do a booth at the flea market, but I keep selling them. Not that it is a bad thing..lol..My goal is to do that this summer though.

Steven got into some poison ivy a couple of days ago. Poor little guy is miserable. He barely slept last night. He has been really good about not scratching at it, so hopefully we can keep it under control this time. He dosnt fight it off well, so usually it lands us in the ER, and him on steroids to get rid of it.

I have been reading alot more again recently. We have a back porch, and I love to sit out there and read. Its screened in, so the bugs leave us alone. It is one of the best ways to relax at the end of the day. I just finished reading the Bride Quartet by Danielle Steele. It was a great series. Now I am reading the Hunger Games on my NOOK. I love that thing. It saves on shelf space. I know, I could go to the library, but I hate giving them back..lol..

At the end of this month, begining of next, I will be in charge of the Portage store. I am not really nervous about it, except that I am afraid of disappointing the customers if it is so busy that we cant deliver. I know I will do ok, I dont want to disappoint my bosses. They are putting alot of faith in me by leaving me with such a task. I hope I do as well as they think I will. It is a huge responsibility to take on.

A lot of things

2011-06-12T17:11:00.001-04:00

I don't think I have ever gone this long without posting a blog.

The boys have 2 more days and then its summer vacation. They are getting pretty excited about it. I am but I'm not. It means I don't have to get up so early, but it also means that I have to share them every other week, and I don't like doing that. Steven doesn't want to go there every other week, and I don't know about the rest of them. This is home, and summers disrupt that for them.

This school year has been amazing for them. I am so excited to see what accomplishments they make next school year. The school has done wonders for them. They were so far behind, and now they are closer to the grade levels they should be at. They have all come out of their shells. Logan wants to play the saxophone next year, I think that would be an amazing experience for him. Something that would really boost his confidence.

There was an awards ceremony for Steven, Dominic, and Logan last week. Logan got 4 awards, and Dominic got three. Steven got one. There is a highest award called the principals award that goes to 1 student per class. Steven and Dominic both got one. I am so proud of all of them.

Work is going well. I have been moved from the Kalamazoo store, to the portage store. I am really enjoying the added responsibilities of being there. It keeps me motivated. I don't have to drive as far, so it's better for my van.

Nick is still working the same job. It's a good job, not what he wants to do for the rest of his life, but it works for now. He has gone through all his reviews, and is now waiting to be hired in. He only has 2 more quarters until he is done with ITT Tech. He doesn't really like it there, so he is going to try to go somewhere else for his last 2 years.

My birthday was yesterday, and I was not well. I was ok in the morning, but by night my pain was unbearable. My teeth are bad, they have been for a few years. Recently they have gotten worse. But unfortunately, without insurance, a dentist won't help me. So yesterday the pain in my jaw became enough to send me to the ER, on my birthday. They gave me some antibiotics, and vicodin, and told me to see a dentist. Gave me a paper with the name of a clinic that will help me. Now I just need to get there and have it taken care of.

Besides the ER trip, my birthday went well. We had a meeting at work first thing in the morning, with coffee and doughnuts. Then nick and I went to breakfast. I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do, because I already wasn't feeling well. We decided to go to binder park zoo. That was amazing. I love to see that kind of stuff. It was a great day for it. Not hot and humid.

So, I have started making jewelry. I made a facebook page for it, a lot of my stuff isn't posted yet, but I am working on it. I sell it almost as fast as I make it. I need to make enough to have a booth somewhere, but they just keep selling. Make sure to like my page, its http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Taras-Beads-and-Things/197599790265033 . I really enjoy doing it, it is so relaxing. Maybe one day I will really make some money off of it.

My mom and gma are selling their house. They have decided that Michigan is not the place for them to be. So they will be Arizona bound next spring or summer. I knew it was coming sooner or later.

A day of celebration!!!

2011-05-02T09:17:00.000-04:00

I am not normally the kind of person who would celebrate a person dying. But today I will make an exception to that rule...You killed THOUSANDS of our people. This time it was your turn. Ding Dong the Witch is Dead....Booyah!

I am happy that the Military efforts have paid off. Osama..dude, you lost....

Thats really all I have to say ...except............

I am so proud of our men and women in uniform. Keep up the good work, and may you come home safe to the family and friends that love you...

To my own personal Hero. I love you. I am so proud of the time you served.

4/19/11

2011-04-19T17:24:00.000-04:00

No snazzy title for this one. Its mostly just a mash up of things.

The last couple of weeks have been very busy. Sometimes it seems like we move nonstop, sometimes I just really need some downtime. But, its getting to be that time of year, when life gets busy, and moves very fast. Time to put on my running shoes if I want to keep up.

The boys spent Spring break with their dad. They had a good time. When they came home, I was not impressed. As a mother, I am responsible for keeping my children clean and healthy, among lots of other things. I was grossed out by the way they came back to me. On the drive home, I had to drive with the window cracked. The whole time they were there, they hadn't had a bath or shower. YUCK! A whole week. Then come to find out, one of the twins had the same socks on that he had gone over there with, because daddy couldn't find any socks for him to wear. What the hell!? Michael is a preteen with greasy hair, what makes it OK to not make sure he gets a shower? really..gross....

I received notice a few weeks ago about a hearing for the Friend of the Court. "D" is trying to get child support lowered. So, I gathered all my information, and my mom went with me. I am glad she was there because I was a nervous wreck. Not about it getting lowered, but about being put on the spot by the referee. Well, I don't know how it went yet, because we haven't been notified of it yet. It is suppose to come in the mail, hopefully soon. The referee wasn't really all that nice to "D", but he went in really unprepared, and the referee asked all the hard questions that he didn't have the right answers to. He is trying to claim to have been disabled for a short time, but didn't have the paperwork to back it. I just hope that if it gets lowered, he will actually pay it. We can hope anyway.

My coworker was gone last week, so I took all of the daytime hours. I really enjoyed being home every night with the boys. It felt so perfect. The way life is suppose to be. I enjoy my job so much, and my bosses are really great. That is something that hasn't changed in the year and a half I have been there. They just hired a 2nd sales person, so I have a feeling things are about to get crazy around there.

I have been working split shifts on Tuesdays, and Thursdays. I work 3 hours in the mornings, and then 4 hours at night. It seems to work out OK. And it gives me an extra 6 hours a week, something I need at this point.

I am in need of a newer vehicle. The one I have is doing OK, but it guzzles gas, and with prices they way they are, its getting really expensive. Plus, it just doesn't feel very safe to me. We are saving up as much as we can, sometimes it feels like it just doesn't add up as fast as it should.

So, my mom and gma are in the planning stages for the big move out to Arizona. I would like to think it isn't going to happen, but I have a feeling this time it really will. They aren't happy in Michigan. So I will do my best to help them weed through the stuff they don't want to take, and get things situated for them, so that when they do move, it will be less stressful. Its really all I can do. They will be happier, and healthier there. the cold is just too much for them to handle.

not paying soldiers? huh?

2011-04-08T09:47:00.000-04:00

I am so appalled by our government right now. How can they seriously think that not paying our soldiers is the right thing to do? What are those families suppose to do. These people put their lives on the line every day, and they want them to do it without pay. Maybe we should put the politicians in the middle of the war and see how they feel about it then. Just sayin..

Nick is not a soldier anymore, but financially this could really screw us, and that makes me very nervous. We both have decent jobs, but in this day and age, we just don't make enough to pay for everything. We don't even have car payments, and we don't make enough. At this point in our lives, we rely on BAH from school to help us pay rent. ugh..Its a scary situation.

So, this next week is going to be a crazy week for me. My coworker is gone on vacation, and I will be working all daytime hours. Its like a dream come true, I swear. I will be home every night next week to take care of my family. That never happens. I am really excited about it. Of course, I go back to night time hours when she comes back, but right now, who can complain as long as I am getting some hours.

I woke up sick this morning. I haven't been sick since the first week of school for the kids. I don't think it will be a bad one, just a cold, and a bit of a sore throat, but its enough to make me feel it. I am bulking up on the vitamins, and Olive Leaf. Olive leaf should knock it out of my system fast. I love that stuff...

The boys go back to school on Monday. I don't think they are too excited about it, but at least they have had a bit of a break. It has been crappy weather for spring break.

The end of March already?

2011-03-27T23:01:00.000-04:00

Where did this month go? It is insane that it is already close to an end. It really has just flown by. I cant believe we are getting ready to enter the fourth month. Life seems to just pass by lately.

Things have been crazy, as usual..lol..

I got some extra hours at work, 2 days a week I am working split shifts. Along with that I have some new responsibilites. I now make the calls to our business customers that havent been in for a while. I call to see if they need to order, and that kind of thing. So far it has been pretty sucessful. I didnt think I would like it, but I do ok with it. First couple of calls were really scary. It has taken me out of my comfort zone, but I am ok with it all. The new hours wear me out a bit, and the house suffers more then I would like, but its not dirty. It will even out once I get use to the extra time away from home.

I have been so emotional lately. Sometimes it seems like life is just too good to be true. I just always have this dread of the negatives coming into our lives. I am always thinking that one day it will all fall out from under me again. I am so lucky in life. I have 4 amazing boys, and I got a 2nd chance at love. He makes me so happy, you just have no idea. I guess I just need to be confident that this happiness will last. Given my past, sometimes its really hard. I put so much on him when he came home, kids, bills, and other things. I am really afraid that one day that will all be too much. Anyway, those are my personal feelings that I am putting out there...It takes alot for me to do that.

Michael has a doctors appointment on Tuesday. He has been having headaches tht make him dizzy, and sick to his stomach. He also says that he gets spots in his eyes when he gets them. So I made him an appointment. I hope its something very simple. I am a little nervous. I just want him to be ok. He has always been the healthy one, even with the Aspergers.

3/17/11

2011-03-17T17:49:00.001-04:00

I tried to be creative with the title, but I guess I am just not in the creative mood this evening. Life is so busy these days, and I always think about updating this, but then its time to do something else, so I just haven't been able to.

Life is really good right now, and I am so grateful for that. Family life is good, work life is good (except working nights, but i deal with that). I did find out today though, that my mom and gma are talking about moving out West again. That sucks, but I cant stop them, and even if I could, would they continue to be happy in Michigan. Not really. I would rather them be happy, and if moving is what makes them happy, then I support that decision. I don't like the fact that they would be so far away. That part really stinks, but I can partially understand that decision. I feel bad for my boys, but our schedules never match up, so they don't see her much anyway. I feel bad for that, but my mom works crazy schedules, i work at night, and nick works crazy schedule, and goes to school. Life is just too busy to be social I guess. I do feel bad that we see his family alot more then we see mine, but part of that is lack of planning on both sides. now that summer is coming I will see them more, hopefully..

The boys are doing great in school right now. They will be doing an IEP for Steven. That will be the 3rd child of mine with one. I talked to the teacher about that, and she said it isn't unusual to see it run in families like that. She told me not to let it make me feel bad, because I am doing everything right, and she said all the kids teachers see that. That makes me feel a little better at least. So, Steven will be getting some extra help in certain areas. It will help him later, so that he isn't behind.

Michael and Logan just got over being sick. I am pretty sure they passed it on to me, but its hitting me different. I am exhausted. So tired its hard to function. I went to bed at 9 last night. I hardly ever go to bed that early, but I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I was ready for the day to be over. I am tired all the time anyway, but yesterday kicked my butt...Part of it could be that I crawled under/over/and around desks to test 12 printers for a company that is downsizing. It took me about 2 hours to do that, and it wore me out. made for a very long day.

The weather is getting so nice. I know winter isn't completely out of here yet, but today I had the windows open, it was nice to have fresh air in the house. I don't like how stuffy it gets inside during the winter months. Last night after work, we played outside, and enjoyed the weather. I think it got to about 65 today.

I started a book review blog, but I ended up deleting it. I am just not creative enough with it, so it wasn't any fun.

I have been into making jewelry alot more lately. I am getting so much better at it. I love it. I just learned how to make earrings, so I have been concentrating on that. I have a good amount made, but I need to do more. I want to have a booth this summer at the flea market. I think that would be so fun. I have alot of work to do before that though.

I have had almost no social time at all for a while now. Its getting kind of old. Most of it is because its winter, and I just don't get out as much in Winter. But I am ready for some time with friends. I am in serious need of friends. I don't make them easily, and its even harder to keep them. Maybe I am just antisocial...who knows

Well, enough for now :)

Life

2011-03-07T21:44:00.000-05:00

Things have been so crazy busy these days. I keep getting way behind on my blogging.

So, we got our taxes back, and we didnt get as much back as we figured we would. But on the upside, my student loans are paid off, sooooooo.....I can go back to school! I am really excited, nervous, and overwhelmed by the idea, but its a good thing. I really want to make something of myself, mostly for me, but for my family too. A good paying job would make life so much easier for us.

Nick is close to getting hired in for his job. I really hope that works out for him. I think it will be a good thing. More money for him, and insurance for us. We both need insurance. My teeth are bad..really bad..I take care of them, but since the twins were born, they just keep going downhill.

Work has been good for me. They have given me a little more to do, so my nights go a little faster. We still arent a real busy store yet, and I fear if we dont get busier soon they may shut that store down. I would hate to see that happen.

We found out the other day that my sister in law is having a boy! I had to start shopping right away of course. I have baby fever so bad at this point.

We have had some crazy weather this year. Blizzards, rain, ice storms, winds...lots of wetness. I really am ready for spring. I think the kids are ready for a change in weather also.

I started posting my jewelry for sale on facebook..I only have 2 up right now, but I am pretty excited about it. My designs are simple compared to most, but I am proud of them. I hope that they will sell. It would be nice to make money off of something I love to do.

I know this is just a short update, but I am at a loss for words tonight I guess...till next time blog world.

A Little (alot) About Who I Am.

2011-02-12T14:53:00.000-05:00

I am Tara…I am a mom, not always a perfect one. I am a wife, not always a perfect one of those either. I don’t know how to style my own hair. I wear what is comfortable, not what is popular. I HATE scratchy, tight clothes. I get overheated easily. I have never had great health. I am tired a lot. I love to get my nails done. I can ride a 4 wheeler in a skirt. I have worn my makeup the same for a very long time because it works for me. I like to change my hair color. I love write. I love to sing, and dance. I cry a lot more than most people know. I love chocolate. Well I love any sweets really, but would rather have fruits and veggies. I am not a real confident person; I just act like I am. I am slightly jealous at times. I envy the girls who have the stamina to work out.

I love to take walks. I don’t like the beach. I only like to swim in pools because it’s a more controlled environment. I have dreams of future events often. I can read peoples body language. My first impressions are often right on. I love music, and would not be able to live in a world without it. I am afraid of losing the people closest to me. My heart breaks easily, and often. I don’t let go of things easily. When someone hurts me, I don’t forget it. I stress about money. I don’t have a lot of talent in cooking. I love chic flicks. I loved being a stay at home mom more than most people knew. I want a little girl. I would really love to be a foster parent, and make a difference in someone’s life. I would give all my belongings away, if it meant keeping my family happy and healthy. I want to go to college.

I hate swimming in lakes when I can’t see the bottom. Wants my man to prove to me that he is different than all others. Wants to be loved unconditionally, through all my faults. Gone with the wind is my favorite movie. My parents are my mom and grandma, not my mom and dad, so when I say parents, those are the two that I am talking about. I love snow. I don’t deal well with hot weather, it makes me feel like I’m gonna pass out. I love to work, but I don’t like working nights. I love my job. I like sappy movies. I want to have babies with my husband. I am not an organized person. My house is clean, just cluttered.

One of my biggest fears is cancer. I don’t make friends easily. I am extremely shy. New situations cause me to panic. Big crowds are not my thing. Country music is my favorite, after that, it’s anything I can sing or dance to. I don’t like to be the center of attention in a room full of people, not even my closest relatives. I am not as confident in my body as my husband thinks; I often compare myself to younger, smaller versions. I don’t want to be heavy. I believe marriage is a forever kind of thing, even though I have been divorced. I think people throw away relationships way too easily. I don’t believe in cheating, and I don’t understand it at all. Politics are way over my head. Talk of it goes in one ear, and out the other.

Don’t give me directions unless you write them down, after the first turn you already have me lost. I love my new home. I call my boys my monsters (with loving affection of course). I don’t like bloody movies, they gross me out. I ready way too much. I married my best friend. I love to wear skirts because I can’t stand my clothes to touch me. My favorite time of day is when I am waking the boys up; they are still sleepy enough to be cuddly. My other favorite time of day is when I crawl into bed with my husband and lay my hand over his heart and feel his heartbeat, knowing that it beats for me. I love deep. I want my writing to reach a lot of people. I am strong in my spirituality. I believe prayer can make a big difference in the outcome of things. When my friends are hurting, I am sad. When my children cry, I want to cry too. When my husband is hurting, I feel it strongly. More than he knows. I take way too many pictures of things that probably don’t matter. I want lots of people to see those too. When I was little I wanted to be a photojournalist. Then I wanted to be a special ed teacher. Then I wanted to be an accountant. Then I wanted to be a singer/dancer. I secretly (not so secret now) feel like I have failed myself somewhere along the way. There are so many things I want to learn, I could be a lifetime student. I love xtreme sports. I would love to learn ballroom dancing; I think it is so graceful, and beautiful. I love the sound of the violin, and the piano. I like classical music, as well at rock and roll. I believe positivity is the answer to most problems. I think most people create their own problems. I want to help the homeless, and feed the starving. I want to help battered women make their own way.

I would never jump out of a plane. I don’t like heights. I like wearing my glasses. I like being creative, but I don’t really have a hobby. I can’t stick with one thing long enough to finish most projects. I get bored with the way a room looks easily, so I am constantly wanting to move things around. Technology confuses me, but I am learning it anyway. I am really bad at math, I mean really bad. I don’t really like people when they are drunk. Sometimes it’s funny, but most of the time It just pisses me off. There is more to me, but I think I have said enough for now J Basically, I am just me

2/7/11

2011-02-07T22:01:00.000-05:00

Last week was a rollercoaster with the weather. It was great, but I have now had my fill of snow. I am ready for longer days, and warmer weather. Last week we had a blizzard. I was excited, the kids were excited. It started Tuesday night while I was still at work. My boss had me close early because it was getting nasty out there. I got home just in time. The drive was nasty, but I got here. Shortly after it really started snowing. The boys had 2 snow days in a row because of it. Both stores closed down for the day after. It was exciting. We went out and played. I got some pictures, but they are on the other computer, so I cant post them right now. But I will when I can.

I played the role of lunch parent last Friday. That was a trip. OMG. That class was insane. I was equally insane for doing it the day after 2 snow days. The kids were nuts! I am not sure I can do tht again anytime soon.

The weekend was great. Friday night the kids left to go to their dads. Saturday night the hubby and I went out for dinner, then hit up a local bar for some pool and darts. It was a good time. I like that we can hang like that and have fun. I hope he thinkgs its just as fun..lol, I think most husbands would rather go out with buddies or something.

This week is a short work week for me. I only work 3 days, then I have a 4 day weekend. I know I dont work full time, but sometimes you just need that break anyway. Saturday night Nick is taking me to a bed and breakfast. Not sure where. I am really excited. I have never been to one before. I am not suppose to know about it, but Pnut let it slip..lol...I dont know what else we will be doing. I cant wait :)

We had some friends over for the superbowl sunday. It was a good time. I am not much into football, mostly because I dont understand it, but I dont mind watching it. The half time show sucked..lol..That was the part I was most looking foreward too, well and the commercials.

unsure

2011-01-31T18:11:00.000-05:00

I always have a hard time knowing if I am doing the right thing when I take the chance of contacting my father. There is only so much rejection that one person can pass out, and I have had my fill when it comes to him. I dont know him well enough to really have alot of bad things to say. I just dont have alot of good things either.

My children have never been considered his grandchildren, not as far as I know anyway. He has only met them 1 time. The 2nd time was suppose to be at my grandmothers funeral, but one of the boys ended up sick, and I had no one to watch him, so I had to stay home. I didnt know her well either.

My stepmom is always the one to contact me, I had tried a couple of times to send him an email, and only got one or two word replies, so I gave up. The rejection is just too much for me..yeah, I have daddy issues...thanks dad.

Well, anyway....the boys have been asking alot of questions about him lately, and I dont really have all the answers for them. I really dont know him, and he shows no interest in knowing my children, or me. He has 2 other children, who I dont really know very well either. And he has grandchildren. He spends time with them, but not me or mine. I have never really understood that. Its something he has never explained to me.

I contacted my stepmom today. I told her about the boys questions, gave her my new contact information, and asked her to please let me know next time they are near, so that my boys have a chance to meet him. they were too young to remember the first time, and I would really like them to be able to form their own opinions about him.

They have maybe sent Christmas presents 1 time for the kids, they dont call, they dont write. I am not even sure they know the kids birthdays. or even how old they are. I can understand him not taking an interest in his adult daughter, ok maybe not really seems how I was his firstborn, but to ingore the fact that he has 4 grandkids he dosnt know just baffles me. Its a concept I have never been able to grasp. I really hope they do the right thing and come see them. i think it is something the boys really need.

2011-01-30T22:41:00.000-05:00

I keep thinking of all these things I always want to put in my blog, but by the time I take a minute to get on here and post, I dont remember it, or its just old news anyway.

There is a winter storm coming, one they are predicting could shut lots of things down. I am kind of excited about it. I love extreme weather, lets just see if I am this excited about it when we are snowed in for a couple of days.

So, Dominic said the other day that his class was pretending to switch families in class. And he said he didnt want to do it, because "he dosnt want to pretend to be in another family, because he loves this one the way it is." It really makes me feel so good to hear my children talk that way. Seriously, my boys are awesome! They are a light in this life, I cant even imagine what things would be like without them.

This is gonna be a busy week. I dont have another day off till Friday. Unless we get snowed in, then I guess I wont be going to work.

We have cable again, I really missed it. I love watching the news, and now I get to do it again. I dont know why I like it so much, but it is one of my favorite things to watch on TV. Of course, right now I am watching a Hallmark movie that is making me cry..lol...go figure.

Torn in 2

2011-01-17T22:58:00.000-05:00

I am really struggling right now, and it is getting to the point where I am frustrated all the time. I dont mean to be, but its just getting to that point.

Now, before you read farther please know, I love my job. The people I work for are wonderful, and they try so hard to give me the time i need with my family, but there is only so much they can do.

The working nights part of my job is really starting to get to me. Its been a year of working mostly nights, and I am really feeling the pain of it now. There is so much I dont know about my boys these days. I can feel the distance it has caused between them and I. It is a distance I had to struggle to close after the ex left, and I was finally able to be the mom they deserved to have. And now that gap is getting wide again, and I cant handle it. I miss them. I look at them, and I cant believe how much they have grown in the last year. I miss out on the school stuff, and dinners with them, helping them with their home work. Everything. I miss out on everything. When did Michael shoot up to be almost as tall as me? When did it happen, because I really dont know. I missed it. I was working.

No need to tell me I should be grateful for having a job. I really am. That is not anything close to what I am talking about here. I do love my job. I love being a mom more.

A little sad today

2011-01-14T09:34:00.000-05:00

Maybe more than a little. My friend Ed lost his nephew to a car accident early Tuesday morning. He was 21 years old. My heart hurts for the family. I hadnt seen Curt in a couple of years, but what I remember most about him is his infectious smile. I swear that boy always had a smile on his face when I seen him.

As a mother, I cant even begin to imagine what his mother is going through, and what she will be going through for years to come. The loss of a child has to be enough to make your world crumble. Every time I think of the pain she must be feeling it makes me cry.

He was Eddies little buddy too.

They will be laying to rest a wonderful light this morning. i can only hope, on a day like today, that they will remember his smile, i know I do

Updating

2011-01-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

Well, so many things have happened and changed since I last posted. Time flies when you are having fun.

The holidays are over. We have moved. Life is good.

Where do I start? There is so much, I will probably forget half of it.

Packing was so frustrating, and so was moving day. I really am glad that part is over. I had a really hard time getting us packed this time, and up until the end, didn't really get much help with it. Nick was working long hours and going to school, and I just hated the idea of packing everything up again. Loved the idea of moving, but not the packing part.

We LOVE LOVE LOVE our place. Oh my gosh. Our family is so happy in this house. I cant even begin to describe how it feels to be here. Every day the boys tell us how much they love their new rooms. They hug us constantly, and tell us thank you. Michael is very excited to have a yard again. He is the one that is outside the most. They love having separate rooms, they get along much better that way. And they have a basement to run around in.

I love the kitchen, even though I am not home often enough at night to do much cooking in it, but I do love it. It is so open, and has so much space to store things. With a family this size, we needed that storage space so bad. The basement is a big help in that area as well. Things we don't use on a daily basis don't have to be stored right in our way, we have a basement for that now. I am not totally in love with the laundry situation, but at least the area where the laundry is, is big, and not too scary. I am not a fan of basements, but I am getting use to having to go down there to do laundry.

I was pretty cranky around Christmas time. I didn't like the boys being gone. I dealt with it, but I wasn't the happiest I could be. Turns out, I had a right to be unhappy about it. My boys didn't have a very good Christmas this year. I am sure they got lots of new stuff, but the day was not a good one for them. Instead of taking them to his moms like he usually does, their dad decided to take them to a party, with a bunch of people he didn't know. It turned out bad, he called some guy a name, and the guy attacked him. With my children at the party, they attacked. Thank goodness someone had enough sense to keep the kids inside while it happened, but that just goes to show that whoever kept them inside knew it was gonna happen. So anyway, D walked outside, and 2 guys followed. The first hit knocked him out for several minutes, the next few hits, broke his cheek bones, and his nose, and did something to his jaw. The damage to his brain left him temporarily blind in one eye. The boys were there for it all. Seeing their dad that way had to be very traumatic for them. I am mad still, and will be for a long time. I have contacted a counselor for the boys, because Logan has been very mean to his brothers since then. I am frustrated that even at the age of 33, and being the father of 4 beautiful boys, has not made my ex husband grow up. He continues to take them to parties, or have wild crazy ones of his own with them there. But of course "he isn't to blame, its everyone Else's fault".

Anyway :) We had Christmas with Nicks aunt Paula yesterday. It was fun. I am ready for this holiday stuff to be over, but we have one more to do. This Saturday we will have the boys Christmas with my mom. Nick and I did ours on Christmas day, but the boys weren't with us. They are pretty excited about it. They haven't seen my mom in a while. Then the holiday stuff will be completely done, and we can move on with life.

So my best buddy has moved in with us till he can get a place of his own. It is sad really. Him and his wife are splitting, and he is living in a small space in our basement. I wish I had more room to offer him, but he seems OK with it. I just feel bad because I don't want to take a room away from the boys, but yet, i feel guilty that he only has a small space to call his own. Anyway, neither one of them was happy, so I guess the separation was bound to happen eventually. I know it has to be hard on them, and really, its kind of hard on me as well. These are 2 friends that have been at my side for a long time, and I hate to see them going through this. I remember the pain of it. I try not to press him to talk about it. His kids are coming this weekend to stay. I cant wait to see them, but I am not sure how they will be. I hope they are doing OK with it all. I remember how hard it was on the boys.

Nick and I are doing well, he puts up with my moodiness when life gets crazy. He is a great man. I am so lucky to have him in my life. To call myself his wife, it is amazing. I swear I love him more and more with every breath. Mushy huh?

Work is going good for Nick. He is scheduled to take a welding test on Wednesday, and if he passes it will get him a good size raise, and closer to being hired in. I am excited for him. He seems to really like working there, I wasn't sure he would. Factory jobs are so monotonous, but he deals with it well. It is the long hours that kick his butt. He rarely ever turns it down. As far as I know school is going ok for him. He dosnt really talk about it much, so I never really know. It just seems to be something he keeps to himself. Even when I ask questions, he doesn't really have alot to say. So I just don't much anymore..lol..

I am doing good. For some reason I am really tired lately. If i hadn't had my tubes tied, i would swear I was pregnant..lol...I think its just the events of the past month. I just feel exhausted. Maybe I am not eating right. I don't really eat often, and it seems lately its at crazy times. Work is good. I am still enjoying it. Still not enjoying the night time hours away from the boys, but one day that will change. It is just a matter of waiting. I have alot more responsibilities there then just front of store sales. Sometimes I wonder if i work enough hours to cover all that responsibility...lol....But I get it done. This week is gonna be a little crazy, because of someone being gone, so I have more nights then I really wanted, but its money.

I was gonna try to do a show this summer with some jewelry, but during the move, my bead box got tumbled around, so now i have the job of sorting thousands of beads. its no ones fault really, the box got taken before i had a chance to label it. I was just hoping to make enough money off some of my creations to take my family on its first real vacation this summer. So I am disappointed about that, but what ya gonna do? Now I have the task of sorting them, something I already know i will fail at, because after a couple of days of sorting, I will be frustrated. there are alot of beads there..lol...

So, now I am off to get some things done, this morning is already flying by. Hopefully I will get a chance to update again soon, I miss writing in my blog.

My Spirituality

2010-12-19T23:26:00.000-05:00

I dont really know how many of you know that I am Pagan. Been that way for a loooooong time. Does that mean I know details of what every Pagan believes? Not a bit of it. What I know is that I believe in the power of energy, the power of prayer (whatever the religion may be). I believe in magic, and I believe that anything is possible. I dont worship the devil. Dont even believe in him. I am still learning, I stopped trying for a while. Some bad decisions derailed me, I dont know how to find that path that takes me back to where I need to be.

I have a problem. I am lonely. Not lonely in a sense of I am unhappy, or in terms of my husband. Our relationship is fantastic. Couldnt be better.

I mean spiritually I am lost. I feel like I havent been living the way my thoughts a beliefs follow. I dont even know how to explain it really. I dont have anyone around me that believes the same things. I feel like I dont really have anyone to learn from. I miss the gatherings, and the festivals. I miss the fires, and the drumming, and the feeling of belonging. I am a spiritual mess at this point, and I just dont know how to turn it around.

I just want to belong, and feel that spiritual peace I once felt. I have lost it somehow. I dont know how to even begin to get it back.

The weather has been busy

2010-12-12T20:18:00.001-05:00

These last couple of days the snow has really let us know that winter is upon us. We had a really mild warm Fall season, and now we have jumped right into the cold and snow. The kids are really excited. I think it is beautiful, but no fun to drive in . Not in my van anyway.

I had to go to my mom's house Sunday after work to check on her cats, because her and my grandma are on vacation. The whole way there and back was 20mph. the highway was so full of ice if you went faster than that, you were in a ditch. I seen so many accidents on my way, by the time I got back here I was balling my eyes out. There were so many people in the ditches, and cars and trucks upside down. The most disturbing was the horse trailer on its side with horses in it. I freaked out. The drive up there today wasn't as bad, thank goodness.

The boys have their first music concert since we moved to Kalamazoo. They are excited. It is tonight, in half an hour. Guess where I am? Work. I don't get to see it. I am so disappointed. I feel horrible about not being able to go, but I didn't even know about it till last week, so there was no way for me to put in for the night off. These are the times I really don't like working at night. I miss everything now. I feel like I am doing something totally wrong as a parent, by not being there. I love my job, I just don't like being here at night. Those are the things I should not have to give up.

Anyway, I still only have 1 box packed. I am hoping to do some tomorrow night. We will see if it gets done or not. I need some motivation. I know moving into a home that is big enough for us all should be motivation enough, but so far I keep saying I will do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes, and I get no more packing done.

Time to get back to work J

Such a Busy Life

2010-12-05T15:49:00.001-05:00

There are some moments lately, that life has me going full speed ahead, and I find myself wondering when things might slow down a little. There is so much to do, in such a short time, I don't always know where one day ends, and the next begins, they all just blend together.

Things are going really well for us right now. Nick and I could use some extra time together, but we have at least been getting a little. We don't often see each other more than 30 minutes a day. He works from 4am to 2pm, and goes to school 2-3 nights a week. I work 3 nights a week. He is at school the nights I don't work. It kind of sucks, but that is the way life is at the moment. It will eventually pay off.

Thanksgiving was good. We spent it at my mom's house this year. The boys really enjoyed spending a Holiday with her. We don't do it very often. It was good to be able to. I miss doing that kind of stuff with my mom, and grandma. My aunt and uncle where there also. I hadn't seen them since the wedding.

Things are going to be a little different this Christmas. The boys will be with Denny. We made some changes to how the holidays would go for the boys. We use to have them Christmas Eve, and then Christmas day till around noon, but I just felt like that was so unfair to them. So from now on, the year I have them for Thanksgiving, they will be with their dad for Christmas. And then the next year we will switch. By doing that, they won't be torn away from the new toys they get, and will have a chance to really enjoy the day. I don't like being away from there for a holiday, but I know it is what is best for them, and that is what matters the most. I will just deal with it.

My brother in law and his wife got approved for the loan for their house. What an exciting time for them! They are so happy, I swear they just glow! It is amazing to see. We seen the new house on Friday, and it is AMAZING! It is huge, and it's on a good size piece of property too. They will love it out there.

We put down the security deposit for our house on Friday! I can't wait to get moved. No more going up to the 3^rd floor with lots of bags of groceries. The boys will have a big yard to play in, and rooms they can call their own. They are really excited about that part. No more sharing and they get a little bit of privacy. I know there are often times they really want some time alone, and they just don't get that often enough. Now they will. The kitchen in our new place is huge, and the dining area is big enough for our beautiful table! Our room will be much smaller, but I don't care! It is going to be great for us.

I really need to work on packing. I don't really have that long to get it done. About 3 weeks. We are moving on New Year's Day. That part stinks a little, but it's the only time we can. The property manager said we can take some stuff over there early, so that moving day isn't so crazy for us, and so that the stuff we don't use on a regular basis can be taken out of our way. That is of course, if I get some packing done. Between all of our schedules, it makes it very difficult.

So with me working 3 nights a week, I don't really see the boys much. Nick gets them more often than I do. I miss them so much. I feel like I am missing out on all the important stuff in their lives, and it makes me so sad. There is so much I miss with school stuff, and those types of things. This Tuesday they have a choir concert, that of course I won't be attending, because I work every Tuesday, and I didn't know about it soon enough to be able to go. I don't like missing that stuff, and it makes me feel like a bad mom when I do. I should be there for those things. I know sooner or later it will change, but I am having a hard time waiting for it.

My two best friends (besides my husband of course), are about to split up. I am sad about it, I don't really know how to handle it at all. I have known for a long time that they aren't happy, but it still hurts a little that they won't be together. I want to see them together. What happens when they start dating other people? How do I act? What if they start asking questions about what the other is doing? How do I not feel torn to choose sides? I can't say I was shocked at the news. I knew I would get that phone call sooner or later. I was just hoping it was later. It's painful, and it isn't even my relationship.

So, with packing, Christmas, and moving, things are about to get insane. If I don't get a chance to post, that will be the reason, and I am sorry ahead of time. I love to write about our lives and adventures, so when things settle down, I will definitely do better at writing more often. Thank you to everyone who has ready my blog for so long, I am really grateful for you. See you next post J

A veterans wife remembering her army girlfriend days...

2010-11-11T10:05:00.001-05:00

I cant say I miss it. Ok, truth is, maybe I can say I do just a little bit. I dont however, miss him being gone.

Our story starts a long time ago. We met when I was 16, and he was 15. I fell for him way back then too. Kind of funny how life comes full circle at times. Look at us now!

We started our relationship long distance. He was in Hawaii, I was in Michigan. In the beginning it was hard, and easy at the same time. It was hard, because I was really insecure about it all. I was just coming out of a 10 year relationship, and here I find myself dating a man, a soldier, living in paradise, with lots of pretty girls around. After being together for a while, my insecurities became less of a problem.

We survived it by talking on the phone alot, and chatting on Yahoo. And when I say alot, I mean constantly. I made sure to make myself available to him to him whenever he had the time to be online, or on the phone. Life was kind of on hold in those days.

I didnt get much sleep back then. Our time zones were way different, I often stayed up until 2 or 3 am, then up early to get the boys off to school. I would get 4-5 hours of sleep a night, sometimes less, just so I could have that time with him.

I only got to see him for a couple weeks every 4-7 months, depeding on when his leave days fell. The time we spent together was so wonderful, and we made sure to fill those days with lots of memories. The homecomings were one of the greatest feelings in the world. I remember the countdowns, and the days of preparation before he stepped off that plane, and into my arms.

After doing that for 1.5 years, we found ourselves faced with a 15 month deployment. That was almost as long as our relationship at that point. It was rough for me then, I cried alot. I had to mentally prepare myself for this. We knew far in advance that it was going to happen, but it didnt make the moment any easier. No matter how many good byes you go through, nothing can compare to sending them off to war.He came home for his pre deployment leave, and I was a mess for most of it, I can only hope that I hid it well..

Taking him to the airport, knowing this was the last hug, kiss, touch of the hand, I would get for a year was horrid. I couldnt think straight I felt like someone was dying. I cried long and hard, watching him walk away. I had no idea what would lay ahead for us, I had so many questions running through my head. All of those "what ifs". Would he survive? Would he feel the same about me? Could we make it? How different would he be when he came home? See, we already knew it would be a year before he walked back into my arms.

Nick didnt get leave from deployment (R&R) until 12 months into it. So for a full year there was only the short calls, a few emails, and lots of chatting. Of course, that was when there werent any black outs. And we were lucky, because some girls didnt get to hear from their Soldiers for months at a time.

When he finaly got leave, I remember preparing myself in every way possible. I was so many emotions all rolled into one. I was happy, excited, anxious, nervous, and scared, and so many more. I just didnt know what to expect. He stepped off that plane in his ACU's, and all those emotions instantly faded. My Soldier was in my arms. All I could be after that, was happy. But truthfully, I was also a little nervous i guess. After a year, the body makes some changes. What if he didnt like those changes?

Our time together was wonderful and fast, before I knew it, it was time to send him back to Iraq. But on the bright side, it was only for a couple more months. Those months were slow and fast at the same time. Not sure how that is possible, but its the only way I know how to describe it.

So, I finally got the call that he was coming home. I think back on that 15 months, and I am so amazed at how great we got through it I didnt hear from him for a week after that. I had a bad feeling about it I knew something was wrong. When he got to Alaska he called me from a friends phone. It was short and not so sweet. I could tell something was wrong, he said he would call when he got back to Hawaii.

He got back to Hawaii, and apologized for the call, and things were good. We talked for almost 12 hours straight. Then they got really bad. I finally got an explaination, something bad had happened on his way home, and he was having a hard time dealing.

After that, things went from bad to worse. I thought we were done. It was the biggest emotional rollercoaster I had ever been on. By then I was his fiance, and these things you werent suppose to do to the one you love that much. I felt like I had failed him somehow, only i just didnt know how. I felt completely helpless in the situation. Angry too. Mad at him, mad at the army for changing him...Just mad as hell.

It is amazing how events can change a persons life, and how hard it can be to come back from that. The day he got out of the Army was the greatest day. At the same time, I was scared. We werent even married yet, and i felt like I had to fight my way back from some emotions I should have never been made to feel. I had to try to be understanding of a situation, that he wouldnt talk about. I had to be supportive of what could have been the end of our story. I felt guilty for having all of those feelings, because he was the one struggling. The guilt of not being able to find a way to help him when he needed it most made me miserable. But we did it. We made it

A year after he came home, we got married. It is a dream come true to be married to my best friend. He is the one person in this world that knows me best.

I dont regret going through all of that. I wouldnt change a thing. In the end it only made us stronger. After 3 years in a long distance relationship, we dont have to wonder what its like to be apart.

There are times I still struggle with the feelings I have about his last days in the Army, but we made it, and the fact that we made it, makes all those other feelings go away.

I use to be a proud Soldiers Girl, now I am a proud Veterans wife. I love my husband, my hero, my best friend.

Love Wins.

ps. this is the first time i have come out with alot of these emotions. it is sometimes hard to bring them up.

Moving

2010-11-09T09:21:00.000-05:00

I always have a ton of ideas on what I want to blog about, then when I actually get the time to blog I forget everything I was going to talk about.

Well........................

We are moving again. It has only been about 7 months since our move from the home I had for over 10 years, to this apartment. I like this place, but I am glad to be getting out of here. The 3rd floor just dosnt work out so well for us. It was extremely hot up here over the summer. The air would be running nonstop and it was still 90 degrees in here. Dragging groceries up this far for 6 people is rough. The boys dont get to go out and play very often, because they have to be 13 to play outside here alone, and i dont really trust the people around here.

The house has 3 bedrooms upstairs, and 2 downstairs, a huge kitchen dining room area, a big living room, 2 full bathrooms, a screened in back porch, and a huge back yard! And a garage. I am really excited. So are the boys. They will each have their own rooms for the first time. They have always had to share, and now they get to set them up the way they want, and have their own personal stuff in there. I think it will be good for them. Its in a really good neighborhood.

The property backs up to some woods, so you know i will be putting out corn and stuff for the deer and quirrels!

The best part is the boys get to stay in the same school they are in now. Because I drive them to and from school, they will get to remain there. its only about a 10 minute drive, so really its not a big deal. I am just so happy.

The only thing I am not so excited about is the packing again. What a pain that was! I am hoping that we can do it little by little, with the smaller stuff. But we will see

Follow me here as well

2010-11-04T18:08:00.002-04:00

I decided to challange myself and start a book review blog. I read alot, and I like the challange of explaining why I really like or dislike a book.

Follow me here if you are interested. Maybe you would like to be a part of it?

http://tarasbookcorner.blogspot.com/

what I have learned

2010-11-03T13:29:00.000-04:00

An alcoholic with always be an alcoholic. And until they are ready to seek help themselves all you can do is emotionally support them as much as possible. Dont enable them. If you push them to get better, they just learn to lie to get around it all. No matter how it tears you up, they will contunue down the alcoholic path until you release them enough to make that desicion to get better on their own. That is what I have learned. I wish it was something I didnt know.

Tired

2010-10-19T18:40:00.000-04:00

I am completely exhausted! I dont often work long hours, or do anything that requires too much energy, but I am tired anyway. last week I babysat, and worked, then had a 3 day weekend with the boys that consisted of moving almost nonstop. Yesterday I worked 2 different jobs...so I guess I do have a reason, sometimes it just dosnt feel like it. Maybe cuz my paychecks dont show it..lol I dont work that many hours at work, but I sure make up for it at home.

A part of me really misses being a stay at home mom. I think the worst part of it is that for so long I was in every aspect of the boys lives. And now it feels as though I am not any part of it at all. I work 3 nights a week, Wednesday nights when I am home its filled with catching up on things..Every other Friday they go to their dads house, so that night is pretty much shot. I feel so out of touch with them, and I just dont know what to do about it. I am overwhelmed with the feeling of not knowing them so well anymore. The woman that does the schedule give me as much time with them as possible on my weekends, so I get to see them some then, but alot of times weekends are a time when I need to catch up on household stuff.

Houshold stuff....man....I am pretty much doing it myself right now. Nicks job is physically draining, so I have been taking care of most of the house on my own. And he goes to school 3 days a week. I cant seem to keep up. I am trying so hard, and I just cant get it all done. Thank goodness I never claimed to be superwoman!

I remember when life was a little more laid back..lol..I really miss that. I am totally holding out for daytime hours...one day maybe

10/12/10

2010-10-12T10:53:00.000-04:00

There really isnt a whole lot of new and exciting things going on these days.

The boys (including Nick) are getting excited about Halloween. The closer it gets, the more its talked about. Halloween costumes get more expensive every year, but its all for fun. This year I have the boys for that weekend, so it will be nice. No going into bangor to trick or treat. the last couple years there less and less houses were handing out candy anyway. In fact, it just plain sucked.

The school they are going to dosnt celebrate Halloween. instead they do a Harvest Festival, and the kids get to dress up as farmers. Strange, but OK.

The boys all have field trips coming up. The twins are going to a pumpkin and apple farm. Michael is going to Chicago, and Logan to Detroit. The trips are so expensive here, but its all worth it.

Every time I think of the move we made, I feel so sure that we did the right thing coming here. The school has more money, and more people backing it up, and therefore can provide what the boys need to be successful. It provides them with the tools they need to be the best that they can possibly be. They needed this change. They seem to really like it. They dont even mind the dress code. I havent heard one complaint about it yet.

Nicks new job is going well. I think its pretty boring for him, but he dosnt complain too much..Not at all really. Our schedules are completely opposite. I work monday, tuesday, and thursday nights. He is home with the boys. On wednesday, and friday nights when i am home, he has school. we see each other a little during the middle of the day, and when i get home from school. He has school on saturday mornings also, so i dont see him on that day till after he gets out, or if im working, when i get home from work. i work most sundays. its rough, and i dont like being away from my family that much, but i really do like my job.

I have had some self confidence issues lately. That is really unusual for me. Part of it is fueled by outside influences, but most of it is my own doing. My own insecurities sometimes show through.

I have been looking into the possibilities of freelance writing. I have no degrees, or experience, so this may be something that is just a fantasy to me, but its worth a try. I was good at it once before, and I am positive that I could be again with some practice. I love to write, I just havent been mentally challanged in so long.

So anyway, I am off to get some stuff done before i have to head to work tonight.

9/30/10

2010-09-30T09:00:00.000-04:00

I am so irritated this morning, and I dont really know why.. Well, yes I do. It seems like every morning all I do is nag the boys. I feel like a broken record. As I am sure most parents do. But lately it seems to be worse. They have laundry baskets right now to the dressers, but yet, there are clothes all over the floor every day. And I find clean clothes in the dirty laundry. I am tired of that crap. Last night i went into the playroom, only to find it a disaster area. There were clothes shoved in toy boxes, paper wadded up all over..I was mad as hell. I dont know what to do to change it. I am only here with them 2 nights a week. I dont want to spend those 2 nights being the nagging parent all the time. I dont get quality time with them that way.

Anyway. I work tonight, then I have a 3 day weekend. I love the weekends that I get to spend with the boys. It is much needed time that I dont always get with them these days. We have some plans, and I am getting pretty excited about it.

Nick got a job. I am pretty excited about it. I dont know if he is or not. He dosnt show alot of emotion, so its kinda hard to read him on that stuff sometimes. It isnt his dream job, but it is a job that will pay some bills.

I still have thoughts of getting a 2nd job. Ok well I have a 2nd job, I clean a house every other week, so i guess it would be a 3rd. I am here during the day, 4 days a week. I could be out making money those days, while the kids are in school.

I dont know if I posted or not, but the Ex finally gave me the title to the other van. So now I need to decide what to do with it. The apartments dont want it parked here, I have no place to store it. I am thinking of just taking it to be junked, but its still a decent van, and I hate the idea of doing that. Someone out there needs an inexpensive vehicle, and they are hard to find. Maybe I should donate it. I dont know.. All I know is i need to figure it out soon, because its parked in the in laws garage, and it cant stay there.

I have taken tons of pictures lately, and I never put them on the computer so that I can post them. I am really bad about that. Maybe I will work on that today. I am so far behind on pics, I think i even still have the ones from the wedding on there. I have taken some great pics of the boys lately.

We found a skate park that they really seem to love. The bug all the time to go there. I need to get them some scooters or something. they arent good on skates, or boards. they dont seem comfortable without a handle to hold onto. its so strange. i remember being so active at that age, skating, and not really getting bored that easily. And they dont have alot of coordination, and are ALWAYS bored.

I am in serious need of some friends. I am not always a good friend, with 4 kids and a job I often just dont have the time. But I am tired of not really having any. I thought once we moved here I would have an easier time making them. But honestly, i dont get along with most women. They annoy the hell out of me. Maybe I have just become an antisocial person? I didnt think I had, but I dont know. Most nights I would rather just be home. I am not good at meeting new people, I get intimidated, and overwhelmed so easily.

So logan has an appointment with his doctor next tuesday. We are transfering his case from a neurologist to his regular doc. She had put him on meds, but I dont like giving him meds from a doctor that it takes 3 months to get into, even when there are health concerns. So his regular doctor will be evaluating him, and we will go from there. Is it the right move to make? I dont really know. But we will find out. He has no signs of seizure activity anymore, and I get the feeling we wont be seeing them again.

Michael and logan both have eye appointments. I am pretty sure Michaels sight is fine. But at the last well child check up, Logan failed the eye exam almost completely. So glasses it is for him again im sure. He had some before to correct tired eyes, but they said his sight was fine. It dosnt seem to be that way anymore. Its something he will learn to live with.

So, I am off to drink my coffee, and do my laundry...Have a good day blogger world

I am back :)

2010-09-23T08:51:00.000-04:00

Did you miss me? I am not even sure who reads this, but hopefully my long absence hasnt lost everyone who does.

I would like to say that my busy life has kept me from blogging, but really I think I just had no interest in writing for a while. Well, and I have been busy also.

I have an extra day at work now. It was added on because the other girl is back in school. I love the extra hours, but I really miss my boys. I work 3 nights a week, and 1 daytime shift. It gets a little crazy around here. On the weeks that the kids go to their dads house, I only see them Wednesday nights. I dont like that so much. But I figure if I hang in there long enough, it will pay off. I have been at my job for 10 months, and I still like it just as much as I ever did. I enjoy the people I work with, and my bosses are really great. I can see myself working there for a long time.

Nick has been laid off for the season. It sucks, and I am kinda freaked out about the money situation, but its not the end of the world. He has done some interviews, and I have no doubt he will find something soon enough. Hopefully it is something he enjoys instead of just something that will pay the bills.

The boys seem to really like their new school. Of course its still school, so they have some complaints, but in the end, they seem to enjoy themselves. They come home happy instead of stressed. This new school really pushes them to reach for the stars..They teach them its cool to be smart. The boys have homework almost every night. We have been working hard on spelling words, and reading. I think this new start is exactly what they needed. They are being challanged in every aspect of their lives. We have decided not to put them in sports or anything extra this year. They need to focus on catching up as much as possible. So, it is all about school for them right now.

My biggest issue with the new school so far, is the lack of bus routes . Its car pool all the way. We take them, and pick them up every day. Traffic is so congested, but for the most part, the school seems to handle it well. The parents dont always.

Nick and I are doing well. We are enjoying being a married couple, and taking in all the moments we can. Nick has taken up golf, and disk golf. He actually joined a league for disk golfing and seems to really love it. His last day is next week. Then it will start back up in the spring.

We are still loving being in Kalamazoo. I really dont miss Bangor. It felt like such a trap to me. There were no jobs, and not a lot to do. It takes me 10 minutes to get to work, and I never really lack anything to do. There is so much here. I could do without living on the 3rd floor of course. But we dont get any noise from above us at all.

the boys really enjoyed summer. We spend alot of time at the pool, I tried to keep them as busy as possible.

It is crazy hot here right now, and our air conditioner keeps freezing up. so its really warm in the apartment. I am tired of being hot, im ready for fall weather. I want to be able to go outside and be comfortable. I am sooo over the humidity!

Well enough for now, I hope I updated everything...be back soon

08/08/10

2010-08-08T13:36:00.000-04:00

I have just finished a longer week at work then I am use to, and I am exhausted. I work today, then have tomorrow off, and work the next 5 days after that. Will make for a couple of good paychecks, thats for sure. Good thing seems how I still need a car. If anyone knows of one nearbye that is inexpensive, but reliable, please let me know. I really am in desperate need of something.

Yesterday, Nick got up early and went fishing with his dad and nephew. I think this is the first time he has gone this summer. He had a good time. I stayed home and just pampered myself a little, had some quiet time (too much of that lately). After he got home, we went looking around at cars, but really didnt find anything under 3k. That is kind of frustrating. You use to be able to find a halfway decent car for cheap, but now you just cant. After that, we went to a coworkers 25th anniversary party. That was fun. we stayed for a couple of hours, then it was time to go to our next adventure. We went to ribfest, had some food, and watched The Verve Pipe. It was a good show. They did a lot of kids songs though. Too bad the boys werent with us. They would have enjoyed it alot.

It didnt use to bother me to go into crowds like that. But everyone seems to think the only way they can have a good time is to get stone cold drunk, and spill their drinks all over you. I cant even count how many times I got pushed around by some drunk dumbass. I like a drink now and then too...but damn.

Things are really good lately. I have been having some insecurity issues, but I am working on that. I often feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Some new bomb that I have to deal with. Sometimes I feel like I am holding my breath, or walking on eggshells, just to stop those kind of things from happening.

Some friends of ours are moving today. I am so happy for them. They are moving out of a trailer park they hate, and into a nice neighborhood. Nick is there helping them move today, while I am at work. I hope I can go see there place, and maybe help do a little unpacking tonight. We will see. I cant wait to see it all set up.

We are thinking when our lease is up, that we will start looking for a house to rent. We like where we are living, but top floor is hot, and carrying stuff up is a pain. We took the apartment, because at the time we felt we had no choice. I do love it, but by then I am pretty sure we will be ready for a house. Hopefully when the time comes, there will be some decent ones available.

This next week is another heavy work week. Not heavy like some of you work, but heavier then I am use to. I love all the extra hours. Next weekend will be busy also, as will the weekend after that. Next weekend we have a party to go to on Saturday, after I get out of work, and then Sunday, and bday party to go to. Lately it seems we are never home.

Well, I am off to try to find something to do.

a mash of things

2010-08-03T08:09:00.000-04:00

I have been slacking off in my blogging for a while now. I really enjoy doing it, but I just havent had the time it seems. Or maybe I just didnt really have anything interesting to say. Maybe both..lol. Anyway, things are going good. Marriage is wonderful. Nick is everything I could ask for, and more. I never thought I could be this lucky in love. But I am. Mushy I know, but its how I feel. Being married to him is everything I always thought marriage should be.

The boys are doing great. Summer school will be over in 3 days. The twins are happy about that. They arent liking it too much this time around, but I think its because Michael and Logan arent going. Logan was suppose to go, but instead they put him on a waiting list. And he was the one that needed it the most. They will all be spending about 3 weeks with their dad this month. I dont like the idea of them being gone so much, but he hasnt had a lot of time with them this summer, and it will be better for us financially for daycare. I cant afford to pay a babysitter so much for the rest of summer. And I think it will be good for them to spend some extra time with him. Well kind of good anyway. If i get them back acting like a bunch of monkeys im gonna be pissed :) And I am pretty sure that is how they will be.

My job is going well. I still like it..lol. I get some extra hours this month. I need them. My van is dying. I cant drive it. And the ex still wont give me the title, so it isnt even legal to drive. Nick and I have decided to try to find me something else. Somethng that will be in our names. I have been having to bum rides, and borrow the work car just to get to and from work. I hate that I have to do that. it really does suck. I am not sure how we will get a vehicle. We cant get a loan, so we will have to save somehow. Relly we just need someone to take a chance on us.

So, Nick got a bit of a promotion at work. Nothing huge, but it was exciting for us anyway! He was moved to full time 30 and got a raise. When layoffs start in the fall, he wont be one of the first to go. And he will be one of the first to call back in the spring. He dosnt love his job, but as far as I know, he dosnt hate it either.

It has been so hot in the apartment. the air goes full time, full blast, and its still hot up here at the end of the day. Thats the biggest draw back of living on the top floor. but it will be nice in the winter, our heating bill should be really low. Oh, and carrying groceries up to the top floor isnt the funnest either, but I have learned that the boys are really good at it..lol. i do love living in town. Its so much better. things are more convenient. If I still lived in Bangor, my van breaking down would be the end of my working. And that would be bad. We had a problem getting maintanance here for a while, but they took care of the situation.

Michael had his 12th bday a couple of weeks ago. I cant believe next year I will be the mother of a teenager. I dont feel old enough for that! Time just flies so fast. Logan is getting ready to turn 10, and the twins 8. I miss them being little. I didnt get to really enjoy them as babies, and now I look back at it all, and it makes me sad. I would like another, but its not possible, and that is rough on me. i have dreams all the time that I am having another one. I am ready for babies now, and I wasnt so much before, and now its too late.

so, i need to get off here, and get a few things done before its time for me to go to work. this week is gonna kick my ass. Im not use to it..lol. I know I need to post some wedding pictures on here, but if you have me on facebook, then you have seen them. I will do that as soon as I can.

I am Married!

2010-07-06T17:04:00.000-04:00

Sorry my posting kinda took a vacation for a bit. The last month of planning before the wedding was crazy busy...Anyway, we are married, and so dang happy...
A picture of our first dance!

It was a fairytale day, and im so in love with my husband :) It was great to have our friends and family there to help us celebrate this life together, and to watch us make that lifelong commitment to each other. Lots of pictures were taken, but im at work, so i dont have access to them. I will post some later, or you can see the ones my friend jessica took on facebook.

So a couple of days before the wedding Jessica flew in from TN. It was so amazing having her here with us. I miss her so much.

Our families and wedding party were so helpful in getting stuff done, its amazing how people come together like that..i am so grateful for them all.

The twins are in summer school..Logan was suppose to be, but they put him on a waiting list instead. Dosnt make me very happy for sure. He is the one that needed it the most. But there is nothing I can do at this point. They will do well in their new school next year i am sure of it :)

The kids arent going to their dads house every other week this summer. Not with them being in summer school. its better for them this way anyway. Last school year they started out way behind because he dosnt make them do anything that takes thought while they are there. Everything they learned just kinda fades away after they spend half the summer with him.

I bought a van from my ex husband last November. He still wont give me the title. he wants me to get the plates renewed in his name for some reason, and i wont do it. so i am driving on expired plates, because he wont give me the title. If he wont, im gonna have to find a way to come up with a car. something that will get me back and forth to work. i dont know what his issue is with the van, i paid for it, its mine, he needs to give me the title so i can make it legal. i cant find the reciept anywhere, but i took money off his child support for it..the damn thing is mine..im pretty sure its his one last attempt to try and control the situation, but it wont work. i will find a way to get something else to drive if i have to sell half my stuff to do it . i am tired of him, and his holier then thou attitude.

anyway, nick is still working the same job, and going to school. and now he is playing disk golf, and sometimes regular golf. he is a busy man these days.

I had 2 weeks off for the wedding, and i came back to work yesterday. I am glad to be back. i like working. the store is still not very busy though. so there isnt alot to do around here, but i have no doubt that things will pick up soon. especially once school starts back up.

My mom got into an accident about 2 weeks before the wedding. it totaled her car. she spun it during a bad storm on her way home to work, and it hit the guard rail. if she hadnt hit the rail, she would have flipped it..her seatbelt busted, and she was bruised up pretty bad. there are times where she is still really stiff from it. I am so glad nothing more happened to her.

I am sure i have more to talk about, but im drawing a blank right now, so i will have to come back later.

5/27/10

2010-05-27T19:06:00.000-04:00

I am not so great about making up titles these days, so bear with me as I just put the date :)

I am so wore out, and cranky lately, and I feel really bad about it. It seems like I am constantly moving, I have barely seen the boys, and I am running out of time with this wedding planning stuff. My mom and I had a fight, but thats over now, and I am not sleeping well. Even if I take pills I dont sleep well. I am sure it is just stress, but I am exhausted. I need some rest.

There is still so much to do. Tomorrow I have to go and apply for the marriage liscense. I cant get the linen service to call me back, so I have no linens to cover the tables at the reception hall. I have no chairs, at all, for the ceremony. Not even sure if i really have the money for those things. The cake is settled thank goodness, and i just know it will look beautiful. My mom has designed it, and i just know she did a wonderful job. She is classy like that. She is way better at designing things then I am, thats for sure. I swear I dont have a decorating bone in my body..lol.

The third girl that works at our store comes back in a few days, thank goodness. My hours will go back to normal. I am thankful for all the extra hours I have gotten over the last 4 weeks or so, but with all the extra, I only see the boys 1 night a week, and i dont deal well with that at all. I miss them terribly, and I feel aweful not being there for them like I should be. Maybe I will get lucky and have some more daytime hours. I can hope anyway.

So like I said before, in the process of making a better me, I have really made some people unhappy. I dont know why, or how, but I just have. My friend Erin helped me to see that it really was ok. She is part of my rock sometimes I swear. She is the reason I started this blog..lol..Anyway, I have made some changes to better myself, and some people just arent coming along for the ride, and I am sorry for that. There really is nothing I can do to make them better understand that this is what I need. I want more then anything to be the best mom I can possibly be. I wasnt always there for my boys, and I am doing what I need to do now to raise, happy, healthy, strong boys. I resent the fact that 5 years ago I was too busy to be a mom. When logan was born i went back to work, and was gone 11 hours a day, besides doing the construction business also. It didnt leave me much room to be a mom. Then when the twins were little, we had the apartments, and the construction company, and once again, i wasnt there for them. And we threw a lot of parties. That part of my life is over. I am moving on in so many ways, that people feel left behind.

I have basically stopped drinking. I still have a drink now and then, but I dont go overboard. I dont even like to really. I hate the way it makes me feel, and I hate how long it takes my body to recover. I dont mind that the people around me drink, I have no problem with that at all. I just dont center my life around it. If I have one it is usually random, not planned. I rarely drink anything more then a single drink maybe 2 in front of my boys. I want them growing up knowing that in moderation it is ok once in a while. I dont want them to see me falling on my ass :) It is a choice I have made, and it is my choice to make. Plain and simple. Some advice from my G-ma a few years ago, brought me to this decision.

My life is centered around my children, life is short, and they are growing fast, and when I make plans, its usually when them in tow. I am a mom first. As it should be. My nights are filled with homework, dinner, chores, reading time, outside play, bath time, and bedtime. Beyond that and work during the week, I dont really have time for anything else. I spend most of my spare time around people who dont mind them being around, and possibly making a little mess. They clean it up. But they are kids, and they will make a mess. Not deliberatly, but its bound to happen.

So in my quest to be a better me, I feel stronger, and more spiritual then I have ever been. I stick up for myself, and that irritates people. I was the "nice" one in just about every situation, and I think I am past that phase. It is very hard for some people to take, others are proud of me for it. The ones that are unhappy are the ones that were use to me being a pushover. The ones standing behind me are the ones tired of seeing me walked all over. Chose whatever side you wish to be on.

I am thinking of volunteering some of my time in an office during the day when the kids are in school, and I dont have to work. I know its adding more to my plate, but I dont plan to do it till after the wedding. It will be at a place that provides free services to people who really need it. Something like that would really make me feel good. I like helping others, and I just feel the need to do it.

The fact that I dont really have a college education, or a career has really been bothering me lately. I would really like to go back to school and make something of myself. My past educational loans are what holds me back. So after the wedding I will be working on getting those paid off. I really want to make my boys and Nick proud of me. I would like for my mom to see me succeed. It is just very important to me.

So 30 days from today I will be a married woman. I have absolutely no hesitations at all. I am so very excited about it all. It just feels perfect. I have squashed the idea of me having a bachelorette party. I didnt really want one in the first place, so I decided not to have one. Nick is having a bachelor party, im not at all excited about it, but I guess they all feel its a rite of passage or something. Whatever. I want to celebrate that we are getting married, not my single days. Those were behind me when I said yes to the proposal. I honestly dont look back on them too fondly anyway.

We have gotten alot of replies back, the guest list grows every day. I am looking foreward to seeing everyone. We are working on the ceremony, and the things we want in it. I have found a few things that i really like. I cant wait to walk down the aisle, and see him in his tux. And i cant wait to see my boys in suits...they are gonna look so adorable! And my mom and gma will look so beautiful!

I know this is a really long update. I guess I just had a heck of alot to say :)

What?

2010-05-18T12:45:00.000-04:00

The last few days have been a super emotional rollercoaster...Ive tried to be understanding, and grateful, and not say anything, but I am done. I cant do it.

In my quest to be a better mother I have apparently made someone very angry. In fact, I had the joy of being called a liar, and miss perfect.

Now, what I lied about..I will just lay it all out for you. I am not ashamed of it. After my ex husband and i separated, I let him mortgage the house the boys and I were living in. I trusted him to do right by the boys, so I said, ok. Right around the time the mortgage went through, the divorce stuff started, and I seen the mistake I had made. I was embarassed, and ashamed that I put myself in that situation. A situation that could possibly leave us without a home. In that time, i kept being told what i should and shouldnt do, by a very important person in my life. I felt like i just couldnt talk to this person about it, because they were being so judgemental. So basically I just agreed with everything they said, and it lead to a lie. I said the house was mine. It really was the biggest mistake i feel i have ever made.

well, during an arguement (caused by a wedding cake conversation), i got the joys of having that thrown back in my face. I have made some mistakes, and i dont always handle things the way i should. But i am not the same person i was 4 years ago. And i cant take back the fact that i wasnt honest about it. Apparently me apologizing just didnt mean anything. Not to mention the status of my house really was non of their business..

I dont understand why every aspect of my life has to be put under a microscope by someone who is suppose to stand by and just be there. Especially when this person is not perfect either

Well things have changed. I rarely drink, because I dont want to have my children grow up in that environment. I went through a time 4 years ago, where i partied a lot. i am over that. I am not that person anymore. I seen what it was doing to my life, so i changed it. Becuase i dont argue in front of my children i am "trying to be miss perfect"...i am working on being the best me i can be. and that makes some people very unhappy. i will not apologize for that.

I dont understand how me trying to better myself is such a letdown for this person.

the words thrown at me the other day cut as deep as any knife could, and i am done. it will not happen again, because i will not allow it. Stop asking questions that are none of your business.

I work 3 nights a week most weeks...and often weekends. so the time i have is for my children, and future husband. whome i rarely see these days because of our opposing schedules. i have a home to take care of, and 4 boys, and a job. it dosnt leave me with alot of time. I try to make plans with the boys and them, but i get turned down if it involves taking children. so unless the kids can come, most of the time i wont be able to go, and might possibly not be willing to. i will rarely find a babysitter just to go hang out. My time i get to spend as a mom is very important to me.

I am not changing back into the person i was before. That was a person that left me feeling very unhappy. My children, and future husband will come first. As it should :)

5/16/10

2010-05-16T12:35:00.000-04:00

Its a Sunday and I am sitting here at work with no customers, so I thought I would take some time to get this blog updated. Hopefully when things settle down a bit, I will be able to keep up with it more.

It was right around a year ago that Nick came home from the Army for good. I am so grateful that he is here. I dont know where my life would be without him in it. I am honestly so glad not to have to share him with the Army anymore. I am proud of what he did, but I am glad that part of our lives is over. 3 years apart was long enough for me.

We had another Neurology appointment for logan last Monday. He was diagnosed as ADHD. 3 years after his really bad seizure, and they are finally coming up with something. That seizure changed something in him, and I had known it for a long time. So at least we can move foreward from here, and start looking into all of our options for him.

Steven and dominic are all signed up for summer school. They need it to pass. They are that far behind. I am upset about it, I just dont know what to do. I work nights, so its not like I can be there to make them study and stuff. I have always made them do their homework, and they dont miss alot of school...So i dont know what is going on with them. It is frustrating.

Since the move I feel like I have had no time to just be a little lazy. It seems like we are on the go so often. But I think its because of the wedding. We are getting closer for sure. The planning is draining, especially since it has turned out to be a little bigger then I planned. We have already started to get replies back, and I think we will have a good turn out.

Work is going good. I just finished my certification process for printer stuff...so we will see if i passed or not. I realy hope I did. It was a process that made me feel way under educated. I love my job. Things are starting to pick up here, so I dont sit idle so often. Except Sundays. I am not a huge fan of working nights. But im not really complaining either. Not too much anyway..lol...I just dont like being away from the boys this often.

I am so grateful to everyone who has helped in the planning of this wedding. My maid of honor, and my bridesmaid have been so helpful. and my mom and future in laws have been amazing. So in case i forget to mention it, I appreciate it all. I really do

59 days

2010-04-27T10:23:00.000-04:00

Life is great. There are so many things going on right now, it seems like we are always so busy. It will be nice when we can have things slow down just a little bit.

So things are coming along for the wedding. I had every intention of keeping a seperate blog for that, but i just didnt have the time to set it all up. Invitations are in the process of being addressed, and stamped. I picked up my dress the other day. That is all done, it just has to be steamed 2 weeks before the wedding. Bambis dress is done. Ramiah's will be..

The apartment is coming along. There is so much to do to keep it looking nice, that i havent had a chance to unpack anything more. We got a grill. we couldnt use the old one because we cant use charcoal on the deck. its still sitting in its box in the living room because neither one of us has had the time to put it together.

The boys are liking it more and more here. they are making friends, and are doing good in school. they like that at any time they can go outside, and there is someone to play with. i think socially it is so very good for them.

work is going good. I just went through a printer services training. So soon i can be certified in that. I have lots of hours next month because one of our girls is going to Ireland. So we are splitting her hours up. It works out perfect, i get extra hours the month before the wedding. I needed that.

Nick isnt really liking his job all that much. But he isnt looking for anything different, so it must not be too bad..lol...he dont hate it as far as i know, but not in love with it either.

We dont get to spend much time as a family these days. its frustrating at times, but its all about working towards a good future. Providing consistency for these boys.

I wouldnt be so stressed about it, if we would just get some damn child support. but im not sure when that will happen. I am getting irritated about it. it would be different if he would pay 100 bucks here or there, but nothing..absolutely nothing. until the courts tell him he has to. he goes to court next month. i dont know how he can be so far behind, and hardly ever go to court. but whatever. that time will come where i get that money, or he sits in jail. not that i want that to happen.

I love being in the city. it suits me well. i love being closer to things, and having access to so many different places,without having to drive a half hour to get there. I dont miss bangor at all. I miss some of the people, but not that town. i never really belonged, or fit in there.

a few things

2010-04-18T14:56:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here at work with not much of anything to do. Its a Sunday, and often like this, so i figured i would update :)

School went good for the boys last week. They have less complaints about it all. I think they are just finally getting use to it, and not so freaked out about a new place. They have parent/teacher conferences next week, but i work that day, so i wont be able to go. the are already suggesting summer school for Steven, and i am sure the rest will follow. i am not surprised. they are behind the other kids. but thats ok, i see nothing wrong with summer school. in fact, i think its good for them.

they seem to be adjusting well to apartment living. They like the fact that no matter when they go outside, there is always someone other then each other to play with. i am happy about that. They act happier then they were before. its so hard to explain.

i will be starting some training next week to get a certification. i am really excited about this. Its a printer services certification, and will be good for me. i am nervous because my memory sucks. but i think i will do ok.

Our wedding invitations came in last week...they look wonderful..one step closer to the day. We also found a place, well chris and randy did, for the rehersal dinner. i have been trying to coordinate days to meet with the person doing our cake, but it seems almost impossible. I pick up my dress on Friday, and the girls already have theirs. my mom and gma got their clothes for the day all hemmed up and ready to go.

the boys went to their aunt jennifers on friday night, for their cousins birthday party. they were pretty excited about it, they hardly ever get to see them. she brought them home, and i got to see her oldest son. I cant believe how big he is. i think he is taller then me. Its sad sometimes, these people that were once my family, i never get to be near them. not the adults, but the kids. i miss the kids. the ones i called nephews. its hard not being that to them anymore. But thats what happens in divorce.

i let go of something today. When nick first deployed, i joined an online support forum to help me get through it. the women are wonderful, and the friendships i have made are amazing. recently that all changed, and i just had to let it go. not for good im sure, but for now, at least.

hi

2010-04-13T19:02:00.000-04:00

Bad blogger...yeah thats me. i cant seem to find the time to keep this thing as updated as I use to. So, WOW! I just noticed I have 42 people following my blog! Thats wonderful. I love to write, so if you love to read, come on over and read about my life. I dont really post anything too interesting, i kinda use this as my journal. But I am glad to have people that want to read about me.

Today I took the enrollment packets to the boys new school. Thats right folks, they are changing schools! They got accepted into a charter academy, and i am so grateful for that. More discipline, and my oldest who is autistic dosnt have to go to the public middle school here, and that makes me very happy. I dont see anything wrong with the schools here, in fact they are farther along then the one they came from. But i dont think my boys are ready for such big schools.

The kids are adjusting to the move well. We had an issue that is hopefully taken care of . When they go to their dads house every other weekend, it seems all they do is tell him the negative stuff, and of course he is concerned. well, there isnt all that much negative stuff going on, but every little thing they arent use to becomes this huge issue.. yes, my boys are drama queens. but i think they dont want to make daddy feel bad that they might actually like it. I dont know. either that, or they are playing us against each other.

Logan told his grandma F. that he went to the hospital for testing, and that they found something on his brain that they need to cut off. first, he went in for an EEG, to see if there was any seizure activity. there is not :) and they found nothing else either. That child is my story teller..ugh.

So, D still hasnt payed any child support. I am getting so tired of him acting like he is king of my world, and he does this crap. We are living ok at this point because we paid the rent 3 months ahead, but what will happen when thats done and over. I dont make alot, and neither does Nick. So what then.. He has to go back to court because of back pay, and I wonder what they will do this time. Let him pay a small amount, and wait another 5 months to see anything else? COME ON! he can buy pop, and games, and movies, and all that other stuff, but he cant even put 50 bucks towards his kids support? since when is it ok to do that?

anyway, work is picking up, so things are a little busier. The owners just hired an outside sales person, so maybe i will have some quotes to work on soon. They are also looking into getting me certified to fix printers. its an online class, then a test, and if i pass i am certified. i am kind of nervous about it because i am not a good test taker. I worked at the other store 1 night last week, and it was so great to be busy almost the whole time i was there. I work during the day on Wednesdays now too.. So its nice I am home 3 nights out of the week to cook dinner for the boys :)

I really love our new place. I dont have alot to complain about when it comes to that. there are a few things i would change, but other then that, its great living so close to town. I dont like dragging my groceries up to the 3rd floor..lol...omg, thats a trip. especially for a family of 6! but i love the fact that i can open the windows and there is most likely a breeze that will flow through the apartment because we are up higher. Oh, and ilove having a hot shower whenver i want! that is sooo great! i got alot of unpacking and cleaning done yesterday. basically i worked my butt off! the main bathroom looks amazing, and the living room looks great.

Nick bought the boys some bunk beds, so their rooms seem alot less crowded then they did before. they have been pretty good about keeping the play room clean. yesterday we went and fed the ducks at the park. That is always fun. I love the big park we have close to us.

I get new glasses next week! I am so excited. i have had the same glasses for almost 7 years. i will be able to see again, and will have an updated set of frames. mine are pretty oldschool compared to the new styles they have out.

first day in new school

2010-04-05T21:11:00.000-04:00

The first day of the boys new school went well. I took them in the morning, and they rode the bus home. Steven and Logan were exited, Michael and Dominic were a little more nervous. They seemed to really like their teachers, and they loved the bus ride home. They are on the first stop, so they dont have to sit on the bus for too long. They had homework today. I think they may struggle a bit. Logan said they are way ahead in math then what he was doing in Bangor. I am a little worried about that kind of stuff. I knew they were behind, but i didnt know how much. Logan struggles pretty bad with reading, and now he is doing spelling words that a way more advanced then he is use to. We are going to have to work extra hard on his reading, and writing. Michael didnt have too much to say. He talked about about his science teacher, so he must like him. I really hope they have summer school here. I think the boys need it to catch up, and it will be good to keep them busy this summer.

Things are coming along in the apartment. I finally was able to take some time and unpack more of our bedroom. The unpacking seems to be taking so long. Im tired of seeing the boxes. But mostly tired of not having anything where it should be. We have both been working, and dealing with other stuff. So it just isnt happening as fast as we would like. I think maybe we need to get rid of some more things. I dont want to, but i think it is needed. Or we just need to get things organized. We have a lot of blankets, too many. But i hate to get rid of them, because it seems like each one of them means something, and im not sure I am willing to give them up. Maybe if someone needed them I might feel better about it.

Work is going well for me. I am still really loving this job. My bosses make me feel like what I am doing is important to them, and its rare that you find a job like that. I get along well with my coworkers, and that helps alot. I am learning alot more too. Soon i will be learning about how to drum up more business. It will get me outside the store this summer, and i will like that. I am still kind of nervous about it, but I think after the first couple of times I will be ok with it. I will be getting some daytime hours once a week for this month, and also working at the other store a little. It is busier there, so I will get some more experience. It is important to me that I know my job well, so I will be grateful for the busier times.

We got our wedding invitations ordered on Friday. One step closer to wedding day!!!!

hi

2010-03-24T18:13:00.000-04:00

Today Nick started a new job. And although its something he isnt really all that intersted in, it is the kid of job that he can have till he finds something with better pay, and in his line of work. He gets out of work pretty early...that will be really nice in the summer.

I took the boys to sign up for school. The principal was extrememly nice. They got to tour the school,and meet all their teachers. I really think they are gonna love it. the hours of school are 1 hour later then where they were going, so they wont have to get up so dang early. the school talked about how much they push reading, writing, and math. I think that is so important. the boys are so behind in their reading, and its very frustrating. They were never held responsible for not doing their homework, or anything like that at the other school. Logan cant read well, and maybe he wont ever, but that dosnt mean they should give up on him.

Nick and I are gonna lay out a schedule for them, so they have some reading time every night. i think that is really important.

we arent done unpacking yet. we still have lots to do. mostly kitchen and clothes, but also some other odds and ends that we arent sure what to do with. we may just have to freecycle them, or take them to goodwill. we just dont have enough storage space to have a bunch of stuff we hardly ever use. nick and his brother went yesterday and picked up the last of our stuff at the house. he forgot to check the mail though, so im gonna have to make a trip back there to do that.

I havent heard from the boys dad since we moved, or his girlfriend. i usually get a text or call every few days. its nice not to hear from them. i have to set up how transportation for visitation is going to work. people keep telling me to make him come get them, but i dont expect h im to do all the driving, unless he makes it an issue. i will meet him halfway, but if i have to wait more then 15 minutes past the time he is suppose to be there, then i will go home and he can bring them all the way home. i am not playing that game anymore. i have more important things to do with my time then always be waiting for him. so thats how its gonna be..

i find now that im not living in a house he has control over that i feel more free..and strong...like i can make some rules of my own, and not be afraid of him not paying the house payment. i dont count on his child support anymore, because he barely ever pays it, so when he does, it is like a bonus. we are doing it without his help. it makes me mad, but what can i do. i can just wait till he has to go to court and they tell him to pay up. its frustrating, because the boys deserve better then that. all i can do is do whats best for them. and i have been doing that.

We have moved!

2010-03-22T20:52:00.000-04:00

YES! Moving day has come and gone, and we are settled into our new place. I am loving it. we havent done alot of exploring of the neighborhood yet, but we are thrilled with this place.

We moved on Saturday, we had tons of help, and I am so grateful for that. All of nicks family showed to help us move, and Mark and Bambi came and helped. My mom came to the apartment early and started dinner for us! It was a great day. We started out at 8am, had the truck loaded and were on the road by 11:30. We totally rocked this move..lol... We had the truck unloaded by 2pm. It was amazing day, with lots of wonderful people. They worked so hard that day. I cant even begin to show enough gratitude for it all.

The difference in this is already noticable..Our allergies were really bad before, and now we wake up, and no coughing or weezing, or sick feeling. there was so much dust and mold at the house that we were all really unhealthy. Dominic was the worst, and he is fine now. In just the few short days that we have been here his health has improved.

We basically have unlimited hot water! before we could do one shower, then have to wait several hours to another. and with 6 of us, that didnt work so well. This place is bigger then our house was, so it dosnt feel so cluttered. there is definitely more organization.

The boys are pretty happy about it. The only thing so far that is an issue is the ability to go outside when they want. to just walk out the door and ride bikes, or play in the back yard. but once they get use to the complex they will be able to have a little more freedom

I enroll them in school on Wednesday. i took them to the school playground today. they loved it. I talked to the principal today. and we set up a time on wednesday to fill out paperwork, and tour the school. i really think they will like it. I think there will be alot more opportunity for us here.

we have to go back this week and get the rest of our stuff. we got most of it, but there was a few random things that wouldnt fit anywhere, and we need to get those. The tv for the playroom is there, and the boys are going nuts..lol...

Nick has orientation at his new job tomorrow. I am pretty excited that he got a job. it isnthis dream, but that will come. it is just gonna take some time.

I feel like this is a whole new start for all of us. Nick didnt want to live in Bangor, and i didnt really either. I dont live in a house that molds, and dust comes up from the crawlspace. The kids have more opportunities. And i am not under the heavy hand of my ex husband. he has no say in what happens to this place. it is mine and Nicks. Not his. It is such a free feeling. Something we really needed. a chance for us to start new.

I go back to work tomorrow. it will be strange not having to drive all the way back to bangor after work. i am gonna love it so much. it only took Nick 45 minutes to get to school tonight. that is awsome too. he was pretty excited about that too.

im off to do more unpacking. I still have a bunch to do.

4 days and a wake up :)

2010-03-15T22:34:00.000-04:00

Thats how long it is untill we move. We have been packing like crazy, and getting the kids prepared. We have lots of people coming to help us on Saturday, so i think it will go smoothly. hopefully fast too. I cant believe its so soon, but yet, i cant wait for this week to be over. I dont want to be in this house anymore. i am ready to move on.

I got the results of logans latest EEG, and it came back completely normal. no seizure activity at all has shown up. so now we have to figure out what is going on with him. he is failing at school, and i dont know what more i can do. we always do homework with him. he dosnt miss alot of school. i just dont know

i got the boys school papers to help with the transfer process. they are getting really excited about the move. they have been "helping" me pack. they did well with their rooms.

there is going to be alot of last minute stuff to do. Nick and i packed all day today, we got alot done, but there is alot more to go. and i work the next 3 nights, so not as much is going to get done.

i will update more after the move, right now my mind is just spinning and i cant think of everything i want to put here..lol

17 days and coutning down!

2010-03-03T12:58:00.000-05:00

We move in 17 days!!! I am getting so excited! i cant believe its so close to moving day. wow. Nicks dad rented a Uhaul for us that day, so we wont have to make 20 trips back into Bangor to load more up. we can just take everything at once :) We got tons of packing done last weekend. And more since then. I am trying hard to really sort through stuff so that our new place isnt so cluttered.

We sign our lease on the 18th o 19th. So that Saturday we can start first thing in the morning! wooohooooooo

I still havent found a home for Hannah yet. I am getting frustrated by it. She is a great cat, but I cant take her with.

Work is going great. i get a good amount of hours. i still dont like being away from the kids so much, but in the end it will all pay off. And they deal with it well. this is the last day their dad will be babysitting them while i work. I am happy about that. He is pulling some crap that i dont approve of. He decided to talk to the boys about them staying with him till the end of the school year, instead of bringing it up with me first. My answer stil would have been No. I called him because i was mad he did that, and he said "i told them you would say no" and then hung up on me. Then when i went to pick the boys up last night after work, he disappeared so he didnt have to confront me. I am tired of the child like behavior. And he dosnt need to confuse the kids that way. ugh..I am so glad to be getting out of bangor :) I wont be near him anymore.

A few things

2010-02-28T19:28:00.000-05:00

First I want to say that SG has lost a great sister. One of the girls on our forum has passed away. It is a sad day for sure. Please keep Michelle's family in your thoughts as you go about your day.

So this is me saying goodbye to February. SEE YA! This it going to be a hard, and exciting month for me. By the time its over i will be exhausted. That I am sure of. We move in 19 days, not counting today. I am really excited to be moving on. Scared too. I have to find a way to cut ties with my house. So I can move on emotionally.

Katie came over yesterday and helped us pack. She helped alot! we wouldnt have gotten as far as we did without her help. We tried to take her bowling as a thank you, but instead went to Arby's, then watched some movies.

We picked up a desk for each of the boys new rooms. We got them for a really good price. I just hope they arent too big for the rooms.

I have been sorting through so much stuff. I cant believe how much we arent taking with us. It will be nice though, to downsize. I hate clutter!

I know there was more i wanted to say, ive been a bad blogger. but i just cant think straight tonight

Rapid Refill Fundraiser/Blanket Drive

2010-02-20T10:15:00.000-05:00

The Rapid Refill in Kalamazoo http://www.rapidrefill351.com/ and Portage is doing a blanket drive for Kalamazoo Beacons Conference until the end of this month! We are accepting new or gently used blankets, sheets, and pots and pans. Also anything household related that you can spare. Please stop in and see us on Westnedge Ave.(same plaza as Target), or West Main(near the corner of Drake and West Main). When you bring in an item to donate, we will give you 10% off the price of a cartridge!!!! We have donation boxes set up at both locations.

just....wow

2010-02-16T18:20:00.000-05:00

So I realized today that I have been blogging for almost 3 years now. I was looking back reading all my old posts, and there is so much emotion, and so much happening.

I was sad reading about the deaths in my family, and i had a racing heart reading about my feelings of Nicks deployment. I cried over the posts about Logans seizure, and following appointments.

I found this:

i got this in a forewarded email, and wanted to post it here...i didnt write it, but i really liked it...

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too,

so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love

for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone

you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every

sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end,

be afraid that it will never begin.

I read posts about my anxiousness over the boys spending too much time away from me, and about money, and about their first days of school.

It amazes me how much my style of writing has changed. I use to be a little more creative in this blog, and now I am not. i will definitely have to work on that! I use to make it so much more interesting, and these days it just dosnt seem that way..

anyway, looking through my old entries has made me remember so much of what Nick and I have gone through as a long distance couple. i am so glad that he is home now. I dont even want to imagine doing that all over again. I missed him so much, but we got through it. its just amazing to me that i didnt fall apart at the seams!

2/13/10

2010-02-13T10:35:00.000-05:00

I am trying so hard not to let everything going on right now stress me out. But I dont think I am succeeding in doing all this stress free. Every time I get this stressed my stomach starts to have issues. Its like it all balls up in there or something. I need to find a release for it soon.

So Billy went to his new home on Thursday. I balled like a baby, of course. I cried before I took him, during, and after. Who knew I was so attached to that cute little doggy. Nick misses him too. Its hard on us to have to do this. Einstein went to his new home last night when I got home from work. The couple that took him are really excited about having him. Apperantly he reminds him of a kitty the wife had a long time ago. He will be allowed to be an inside/outside kitty. All we have left now are the two inside kitties, and I need to find homes for them soon. I cant take the pressure of waiting for it. If I have to give them up, I need to do it soon, or I will lose the will to do it.

The people that lived in the apartment we are moving into have already moved out. That means we can have the apartment sooner if we want, but I dont see that as a possibility for a few reasons. First, money. That would be the biggest reason. Second, those would be some really stress filled days of packing, and Nick and I would like to do this as stress free as possible, its thats possible at all. So we sign the papers on March 15th, that is the date the leasing agent set for us. We plan to move some things that week, but mostly the weekend of March 20th. That isnt very far away at all.

I am excited and sad at the same time. This is really hard for me. I wanted to get out of Bangor, but not in this rushed type of way. I am excited because this is a new start for us, one without the ex husbands fist bearing down on me. The only ties we will have left are the boys, well, and child support when its paid. It will be strange walking out of my home for the very last time. MY home. The home my boys have lived in for 11 years.

I have been working on sorting and downsizing. Sometimes i just dont know what more i can get rid of. It is a painful process, but cleansing also. I have advertised things on freecycle, but so far no leads, except for the kitty. If i cant get rid of stuff, its just going to stay there, unless we can find the time to take it to goodwill, or the salvation army. We will see if it comes to that.

02/06/10

2010-02-06T22:18:00.000-05:00

I really couldnt think of a title for this, so i just put the date. I am crafty that way :)

Things are moving foreward with the move. We were officially approved for the apartment on Monday. I am really excited about it. Things have changed with the deposit though. I am a little stressed about that, but it will all work itself out. They dont like my credit, and honestly I dont really blame them. It is bad. After the wedding i will start fixing it. Anyway, they want one months rent for the deposit, not too bad really. The bad part is that they want us to pay 3 months rent up front. That is pretty extreme. Especially at this point in our lives. But we will do it. We have to do it. We took the boys by there today, and showed them the apartment complex. They are getting really excited about it. They are especially excited that it has 2 pools and is so close to a really big park.

So the apartment becomes available the end of this month. And they said they would hold it for us till the end of March if we need them to. That is a bit of a relief. It will give us extra time to come up with what we need. i hope we can do it.

Work is going good, I worked this morning, then i have the next 2 days off. It will be a nice little vacation. I am learning how to clean and fix printers. Tuesday I went with one of the guys to deliver product, and do some printer cleanings for some of our business customers. I really enjoyed doing that. One of the owners brought in a printer for me to start taking apart. It will really help me to trouble shoot, and learn. I am really looking foreward to learning all I can in this company :)

I am working a pretty full week next week. I am really glad about it. We need this right now. The downside is I work on Valentines day. But its only 5 hours of the day, so not too bad. I like being there.

We havent found anyone to take the animals yet. We have been offered a home for the outside kitty, and we might take that one up on the offer. I think he will be well taken care of there. We have decided we arent keeping any of them. We were gonna keep the youngest, but i have family that cant really come over because of the cats, so we decided it was best to let them go. It will be strange not having any animals, and i am going to miss them. It will be sort of cleansing for us. A complete new start.

I am not real excited about the boys going to kalamazoo public schools. Not that i have anything against the school district. They just arent use to such a big school. I am afraid that with Michael being autistic, and Logan having trouble with learning, that it will be too much for them. So we have an appointment to visit a charter school. it will be a smaller, more controlled environment. I really think that is important for them.

I have my final dress fitting in 3 weeks. No more major alterations. I am getting really excited about it all. Its hard to believe i will be a married woman in less that 6 months. i cant wait for it. I am very lucky to have found "the one". he is such a wonderful man. I could go on about that all day, but my mushiness might gross you out!

update on moving

2010-01-31T12:20:00.000-05:00

I keep writing a blog down on paper, then never get around to actually putting it on here. I need to be better at that. I use to keep it updated all the time. Life just seems so busy right now.

Yesterday we went and put an application into some apartments in Kalamazoo. It is 4 bedroom. 2 bath, with fireplace and washer dryer hookup. And closets! omg I will have closets! I am not excited about living in an apartment, especiall top floor, but all the other things outweigh that part. We will be living close to the places we need to be several times a week(work for me, school for Nick), there will actually be some kids for the boys to play with. We will be right down the road from a huge park! Where the boys can ride bikes, and feed ducks, and just be boys.

It will take me some time to get use to it. But when I think of all the opportunities this could present us, I just get so excited about it. I am nervous. Especially when it comes to the money issue.    We still have the wedding to pay for, and now it will just make it that much more difficult. But i have faith in us. We will do it. We will be ok. There is no other choice as far as I am concerned.

The sad part is the animals. We are giving up Hannah, Billy, Einstein, and the bird. I will miss them so much.   Hannah was my lifeline when Nick was deployed. My kitty kept me sane. She made sure i wasnt lonely at night. She snuggled up to me during TV time. I will miss her so much. Dont get me wrong, i will miss the others too, but her the most. She has been my companion during some really hard times. But it is for the best, and she will always be a great memory for me. I just dont know how to handle seeing her go :( We are keeping Molly. We think she will be the most adaptable because she is the youngest one. I am not sure what to do about Einstein. He is not a happy kitty. And i am really not sure he would be happy anywhere. He is an inside/outside cat, and he is always miserable and grumpy. Billy will be going to a home where they will take good care of him. A place where the boys will still get to see him, and that makes me happy. They love that dog. I feel bad for Nick. But i think apartment living just isnt for Billy. He is too full of energy, and kinda yappy.   This will be the hardest part. Saying goodbye to our animals. There just isnt any other way.

I have heard that the schools the boys will be going to are more advanced in math and reading, and I think that is really important. The school they are in now has done really well for Michael, but i see the other 3 just falling through the cracks. The teachers are great people, but the school system is just way too soft on discipline. They dont get into any real trouble for not doing what they are told.   Not like we use to as kids. They arent held accountable for any of their learning. I love them being in a smaller school, but i dont see it benefiting them at all. They have no friends to play with outside of school, and i hate the 'hood we live in.

It still dosnt feel real that we are moving so soon. We should be able to move in end of February-mid March. That is so close. I have so much to do. Packing, and sorting, and cleaning, and still planning a wedding. The thought of it all is pretty overwhelming to me right now. I have things to sell, and give away. Things to toss. Just 11 years worth of things, and I dont know where to start. We have to downsize our lives from a house, to an apartment. I know it will be a cleansing experience, but hard on the emotions too.

All in all things are coming along. Fast

bad blogger!

2010-01-14T18:00:00.000-05:00

I have been such a bad Blogger lately. I havent kept up with it at all. Life has been so busy.

We dont have a place to move to yet, but we are looking into some apartments. I am not all that excited about apartment living, but i really think it will be good for us. Bills will be less, and it has more space then my house. Not to mention 2 full bathrooms! i havent had more then one bathroom in a very long time! So when money comes through like its suppose to then we will get that all taken care of. I cant wait to move. A fresh start

I am really loving work. We arent real busy yet, but we will be. Last Saturday was a record day for the new store, and i had so much fun being busy. And it is such a good feeling going home at the end of the day knowing you helped so many people.

The kids had a great winter break from school. they played outside alot, and vegged some. but they were glad to go back to school, cuz they like that too.

There really dosnt seem to be anything to update.

The ex husband went to court Monday, and they told him to pay up on the child support. i think he figured he would go in there and they would be sympathetic. i didnt go to this court hearing for him. I wasnt required to be there, and i didnt want to deal with him being all pissy with me. i am not the one pushing for all of it, Friend of the court is. its not like i go in there and bitch about it. i havent talked to the courts once about it. its out of my hands thank goodness. i have nothing to feel bad about. i am not doing anything wrong. The only wrong i see being done, is raising these boys without the financial help of their father. He was doing well making payments. Maybe its my punishment for him having to go through the friend of the court. i dont know. then he never showed up last friday for his weekend with the boys. i got no call or anything saying he wasnt taking them. it was his weekend, i had them the weekend before. but im not complaining, cuz it was more time i got to spend with them.

i have been pretty stressed out. i dont make enough for rent payment. Denny isnt paying child support, and they never called nick back to work. I am a planner. i need things laid out in front of me.

a post holiday post

2009-12-26T11:09:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a great holiday. I love this time of year, not necesssarily for the holiday itself, but the energy people put out. you can go into a store, or anywhere really, and feel the air around pulsing with it. its a great feeling. it gives me such a natural high.

Christmas was good to us. we had a great time. was very very busy. thursday night we went to my moms to visit with family, then at about 10pm, we went to Nicks parents house to open gifts.. we got home about 1am i think. and what do you know, but santa had already come to our house! So of course we had to open the presents! we were up till very late opening presents, and letting the kids play. then the twins decided they needed to get up at 7am! which means mommy only got about 3.5 hours of sleep! I have pics i will have to post later, cuz my connection is stinky right now! The boys were spoiled this year, but thats ok, its been a long time since we spent way too much money on them..lol..they went with their dad at noon on christmas day. they didnt want to leave their new stuff behind, and i dont really blame them.

So i am blogging from work..naughty Tara...actually they dont mind. ive got all the stuff done that i can do, so now im updating the world..lol..not that the world really cares, but a select few might.

So i have heard alot of talk about what is the right way and wrong way to celebrate this time of year, and honestly, people can have their opinions, but really....whose right is it to judge how we spend that time..My boys believe in Santa, he is magical, and i want that innocence in their hearts for as long as possible...too soon do they have to really know the real world. and personally, i think kids have to grow up way too fast.. so mine arent...do i celebrate it all for the same reason a christian does? nope..do i celebrate it the same way as a pagan does? nope. we all make our own paths in this world, and i have chosen mine. I am not naive about it all, this is just the way i chose life for us.

I forgot what it was like to be a working mom...well outside the home anyway. Mentally i am exhausted. but i feel so alive. i feel more independant, and accomplished. the owners have nothing but praise for me, and after living the way i did for so long, that feels good. my confidence is boosted beyond belief. i love this feeling.

So my house didnt sell at the auction last week, and now the bank is trying to work out a plan for us..this is the 2nd time he let it go into forclosure, and i cant handle it againg. so after i talk to a lawyer about my options, we are going to make plans to move i think. I need stability for my boys. that is what is most important, and if i have to worry all the time that he isnt doing what he is suppose to with the house, then how can they have that stability. they dont know what is going on, and i chose to keep it that way, but they do know that we will be moving, and that they will most likely be changing schools. At this point, i feel like even if i lose my ass on this house, its better to just move on. I am tired of someone always pulling the strings in my puppet of a life. i cut the strings now. i am even envisioning it happening, and will seal it in ritual tonight.

im so tired today, i can barely function. i have 6 more hours of work, and i feel like im hanging on by a thread today.

I am sad that the holiday is over. there is so much build up of excitement, then the day goes by so fast.

This was the first time Nick and i got to spend the whole holiday together..it was wonderful, no deployments, and no hawaii. i am so greatful for that.

Almost Christmas

2009-12-19T19:31:00.001-05:00

We got our shopping done yesterday before i had to go to work. It took us all day. I guess we weren't as close to being done as we thought. I wrapped some today, but i didn't feel like i even made a dent in what has to be done. It wont get any closer to being done today. Nick isn't feeling well, and im too tired now.

The house went up for auction December 17th. im not sure if anyone bought it or not. I am sure we will find out soon. I don't know how they inform us of it all. I told Denny that this time he needs to give me all the paperwork that comes his way, so that we aren't surprised about when we have to be out. Hopefully we will have a house to rent in about a month. We found one we really like. we just have to contact them to see what it would take to get into it.

I haven't even received an apology for this situation he has put us in. I don't understand that logic at all. HIS house has lots of room, and is almost done, and i am having to start over. I am in the angry stage of it all. I am mad as hell, and i don't know how to handle it all. I got what was most important out of the divorce, but he has pretty much taken everything else. The business, and now the house. at least with the house i felt things were even. I don't even really understand how he could do it to his boys. I think he figures i will give up, and the boys will come to live with him. but.....he hasn't paid child support in a long time, he cant provide a stable environment, and he just lost this house for us. I have to go to the friend of the court, and get permission to move them, even though he lost this house, and we cant live here anymore anyway. its all very strange for me.

This well be the last Christmas in this house for my boys. it makes me a little sad, but also a little relieved. I think we need this. but it feels like all the memories of their childhood are in this house, and i feel like i am leaving that all behind. It breaks my heart. around every corner hold memories, i hear their laughter in the living room. I know there will be new memories made, of that i have no doubt. its just really hard on me. Im scared that rent and everything else will be too much for us.

anyway, on to other things. I love my job. i thought some of that bliss would wear off, but it hasn't. i really do like it. last week i spent about 4-5 hours passing out coupons and fliers to local businesses to let them know that we are there now. it helps that it is the type of company i believe in. earth friendly, and well, the earth is my religion. they make me feel appreciated too. I always know when they like the job i am doing. and it isn't like any other place i worked before. the owners are amazing bosses. i could see myself working there for a very long time.

the boys are excited for Santa clause. they are so full of energy about it all. And even though things are about to change, i think this will be one of the best Christmases yet. not because of what we bought them, but because of the spirit of it all this year. we are a happy family. yes a stressed one right now, but they don't know that. we are really enjoying the season. they have been playing outside a lot more then they did in past winters. its just been an all around great experience. it helps that i have a job, it makes me feel so much more accomplished, and i feel like i am contributing. this will be a bitter sweet holiday for sure.

its going to be very busy for us this time around. Christmas eve we are going to my moms, then headed to nicks moms, then Christmas morning we open presents with the boys, then they go with their dad, and we head back to my moms, to open presents with the adults. This year my family is getting together on Christmas eve like we use to when i was little. i am excited about it. My uncle Fred,and aunt Joannie will be here too!!! a first in a long time. my cousin Jennifer and her family will be coming later. i get to see her twice in one year. i think that is amazing for sure!

new years eve we don't have the boys, so we are gonna try to go do something. anything would be fine with me. i haven't been out on new years eve in a long time.

well, time for a movie night with my monsters. thanks for reading if you made it this far

Moving

2009-12-13T08:36:00.002-05:00

Yes we are.

A little back story...

about 3.5 years ago I let the ex husband mortgage my house, so that he could start buying houses to fix up and sell. Well he bought one, started fixing it, and ive heard through the grapevine that he will be keeping it. When he mortgaged it he promised financially things would be better, and that he would have an easier time paying the things he is suppose to pay (child support). He was suppose to consolidate all of his bills, and from what i hear, he didn't do that either. I feel stupid for trusting him. He has defaulted on it twice, and this last time didn't tell me till the amount was too high for us to fix. I know times are hard, but why did he not tell us. This is my childrens home. The home i have had for them for 11 years as of this February. Well he is trying to make a deal with us now, that he will save money for the next 6 months (when we have to be out of here), and then help us with a down payment for a "new and better house for me and the boys". First i see lots of problems with that. With a foreclosure in our names how is that even possible? and I haven't received more then 500 in child support in 6 months, so the way i see it, instead of paying child support he will save that money , the boys money, and try to took like a hero? um, no. oh, and the stipulation is, that is only if we stay in the bangor area. an area i cant stand, and that is far away from where Nick and I work? I am not having any of that. he says he is only doing what is best for the boys.. if that were the case, the house would have been paid on. If he didn't have the money, he should have told us.

I am bitter about it all, but I am starting to see the silver lining. There is something positive in every situation. We get to move out of a house that leaks, and is cold all winter long. a house that is falling apart (even though its been "redone"). We get to be closer to our families, we don't have to drive 45 minutes each way to work, or to go do something enjoyable. It will save us gas money, and bills because we can live in a place that is taken care of.

I am trying to see this is a new and exciting adventure. I am nervous, actually i am a mix of a lot of strong emotions. I don't know how i am going to feel from one day to another, and it makes me moody and irritable some days. I find myself snapping at Nick, and i don't mean to, but im so freaked out about it all. The boys will have to change schools, something none of us have had to deal with before, they have been in the same school district all their lives. I think i am more nervous about it then they are. I don't know how it all works. I am scared that a new school wont understand them the way this one does. But i think in all, a move will be good for them too. It will give them a chance to start over. to make a decision to do better. i think it will be a great adventure, with lots of new friends and opportunities for them.

I have a feeling the ex will try to stop this somehow. i am not sure how, but im just sure of it. but the fact that no child support has been paid, and he failed to follow court order and pay his mortgage, which resulted in us losing the only home my boys have known will work in my favor anyway. besides the fact that i am a good mom, and there is nothing to say im not :) well im sure some select people would disagree, but i dont care about them at all, so it dosnt matter

So anyway, that's whats going on in my life.

I say it was a stupid decision to make, but my mom says that as long as i learned something from it, then it wasn't stupid

this and that

2009-12-04T19:44:00.005-05:00

Life is about to get really busy!

Our new store is about to open, its the one i was hired for. well, they are figuring its gonna be busier then first thought, sooooo...........i work monday-sunday next week! That is great news for me, i need the hours... i need them bad...i love my job, its hard on my feet, so i got some good shoes today..they arent pretty, but they will do the trick..my back was starting to hurt because of the shoes i had...one of the owners told me that he was impressed with my customer service skills, and that i am learing fast...that kind of thing is good to hear...

so, some bad news. Nick got laid off...yep thats right folks, just before christmas..we are both pretty stressed about it...I am not getting any child support, havent really since Nick has been home, and so on top of all that, we are just very stressed :( but we will get through it...its just another obstical to overcome...i was so excited cuz things were looking so great, and now im a bit overwhelmed..its so close to christmas, and now im not sure of things..

The boys will be in a parade tomorrow night...im not sur if i will get the chance to see it...i have to work till 5, and it will take me a while to get home..Logan, Steven and dominic will be in it for boyscouts, and michael will be in it for school...He was a Star student (good kid), so he gets to be in it too...they are all pretty excited..Nick took them a few nights ago to work on the float, i had to work, so i didnt get to go, but they were pretty excited about it..

with me working, Nick and the boys dad have been taking care of the boys often...it feels so strange passing off that responsibility..i dont really like that part of it..its really hard on me, and i think the boys are starting to feel it too...

It snowed last night, and today...we got lots of it...the boys are happy, and nick is too...they played out in it after school..they had a snowball fight...nick tried to build a snowman, but the snow wasnt packing good enoug h..

We got our Christmas tree up and decorated also..that was fun..my mom gave us her tree this year, so we have a bigger tree with lots of lights!

molly likes decorating too!

Been a while

2009-11-30T13:23:00.003-05:00

I havent updated in a bit. Things have been so busy!

I love love love my new job! It is amazing! I just know im gonna love it. I get to dress up, and I have a reason to look nice when I go in. I havent heard any critism yet, so I must be doing ok with it. I am learning alot. We are still waiting for the new store to open, so i have been working at the westnedge store for now. Meaning less hours. I am a little concerned with the hours they want me to work though. I thought i was being hired to work more during the day, and the owner is now saying I will be working nights and weekends. Thats ok for now, but I have a family, and Nick is in school at night. I cant do nights and weekends forever. I am greatful for this job, its just gonna be hard not seeing the kids.

Thanksgiving was good. We were so busy the day before, and all holiday weekend. i baked some last Wednesday, and then we went to Nicks parents house for Thanksgiving dinner. it was a nice dinner. Afterwards I took the boys to denny so he could have some time with them too. we went shopping and got a huge chunk of our shopping done. we caught some sales, but most stuff that we wanted for the boys wasnt on sale. go figure..lol..I worked Saturday, then Nick met me in Kalamazoo and we just hung out, and visited.

This week is not so busy, but still a bit more then I am use to. The boys have boyscouts tonight, and we are decorating the tree after nick gets home. Tomorrow night i have to work, so Nick will be picking them up on his way home from work, cuz i dont get out till 8pm. I work Saturday and Sunday also as far as I know. I should be in the new store, but not sure yet. Depends on if they get all their stuff in they need to open.

I am really nervous that things with the kids and my job wont work. this is a job i really like, and sometimes it seems very unreal. I feel like im waiting for it to end.

its cold here. I thought i was ready for it, but im not. The kids are hoping to see snow soon. I just cant seem to stay warm at this point. I am always cold!

Nick had a 4 day weekend off of work and school..It was nice to spend the extra time with him. Now with me having a job that has me working weekends thats even more time for us not to spend together..lol...we are definitely gonna have to make the time we do have together mean alot..

J.O.B.

2009-11-19T19:41:00.002-05:00

Thats right folks...i got a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been looking for over 2 years for something that will work with the kids school schedule, and omg i found it...I start training this monday...i will be working about 25 hours a week...not too bad...i am really excited...this will make me feel like i am contributing to our lives...

I am so nervous...i havent had a job outside a home office in 7 years...i did the apartments, but thats it...this kids went with me to do that...

but anyway.. I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!

They didnt call

2009-11-17T09:31:00.002-05:00

I had an interview last Friday, and for some reason, i was pretty sure they would pick me for the job. They said they would make their decision by Monday. Well, Monday has come and gone, and I didnt get a phone call. I am kind of upset about it. Very actually. I really wanted this job, and was pretty certain about it. But, no call. Nick says to keep a positive attitude, cuz they may have just been busy. This is a job I really wanted. I am still hoping for that phone call telling me that i am the one they choose.

So anyway, Nick and I had a great weekend. Friday night he had class. Saturday we got up and he opened up a checking account. He had one, but it wasnt local. Then we came home and got ready for the day. We went to get our hair cuts, and then went to Barns and Nobles. One of our favorite hangouts. then we went to Outback for dinner. I hadnt been there for dinner in over 4 years. It was great. After dinner we went to play some pool, and of course he kicked my butt at it. I am not good at it. But its fun to try, lol.

dominic was sick last week. he missed 3 days of school. I took him to the doctor on thursday, and it turns out he had Bronchitis. and they said he has really bad winter allergies. Im am not excited about the allergy thing of course. So i have to vacuum ALOT, and wash his bedding once or twice a week, to help him be healthy. He is on Claritin for the next 4 months.

i still have to take down the rest of the Halloween stuff. I need Nick to take down one outside, i cant do it myself, our ladder sucks, and i need him to hold it for me so i dont fly off of it. Maybe it will be done before Christmas decorations get put up.

I am so tired today. I would love to just go back to bed for the rest of the day.

random stuff

2009-11-12T12:23:00.002-05:00

Lots of things going on lately...

Saturday night I went to the Celtic woman concert with Nicks mom and dad...omg, it was so freaking AMAZING!!!!!! I have never seen a concert that was so good. So full of energy, and such beautiful voices! The woman that plays the violin was so energetic..she ran and jumped around the stage while playing the whole time...I was in Awe for sure! check them out! http://www.celticwoman.com/

nick took the boys bowling while i was at the concert. they had a great time. they are still talking about it today..I cant wait till i can go and watch them bowl. i miss them being on a league. i enjoyed watching them.

Nick went to a Metallica concert Monday night. He yelled and screamed so much that he lost his voice. tuesday it was just gone, a little scratchy, then yesterday it really hurt him..he was miserable. He missed class last night :( Today seemed a bit better, but he still mostly has to whisper. its a little funny, but i feel bad that it hurts him. He had a good time though. i would like to have gone, but i dont think the loud stuff would agree with me for too long. it never has . not even when i was younger.

This week has gone by pretty fast. the boys are loving boy scouts. Michael didnt join, but the others are really enjoying it. they get excited every Monday, and i think its so good for them to be in it. i remember being in girl scouts, i loved it so much. I am hoping they can do the camping this summer. we will see.

dominic has been sick all week long. It started monday night with a cough. it seemed like just a cold because there was no fever, so he stayed home tuesday and wednesday. then today i was gonna send him to school, and he started crying and saying his chest hurt. i called to doctor, and they got him in this morning. He has bronchitis, and really bad winter allergies. so right now he is on 3 different medications..one for allergies that he will be taking for the next 4 months. i have to keep the house free of fur and dust..which will be difficult with the animals, but its for the best..lol...

this Saturday we are gonna have a date night. Dinner at outback (one of my favorite places). Not sure if we are doing anything else. they have the Holiday parade in kalamazoo, but i dont know what time that is set for. if its early im not sure if i want to get up for it..lol then sunday dinner with Nicks family. always love that!

On the 21st i have my first appointment for wedding dress alterations. i am pretty excited about it. it brings us one step closer to the wedding. the closer it gets, the more i cant wait for it! i get to marry my best friend. a man who loves me for who i already am, not who he thinks he can make me into.

the twins are learning how to read...and they are picking up on it so fast..i am so very proud of them. steven can sound things out really well, and dominic is doing small words. reading has been such a struggle for logan, and michael just gets bored with it. steven thinks its pretty cool that all those letters mean something..lol he reads signs, and all that stuff when we are out and about!

Veterans Day

2009-11-11T20:05:00.002-05:00

Happy Veterans Day to all those past, and current military...I am so proud of all of you..Thank you for keeping us safe. Thank you for putting your lives on the line to protect us. And thank you Military families for being the ones left behind when they head off to serve..I am praying for you all today..

i am especially proud of my veteran :) he is my own personal hero. i love you Nick

lunch date!

2009-11-05T08:36:00.002-05:00

It is so good to be able to say "i have a lunch date with Nick"...I waited so long for life to be like that. to have him home, and not have to say the long goodbyes anymore. he has been home since spring, and already sometimes i forget to appreciate it. I am sorry for that. life sometimes gets in the way, and we get so busy. but i promise to remember every day that my man came home, safe. I have this chance to be with him. we are not thousands of miles away anymore. we can go on a date if we want, or sit and snuggle on the couch. we can lay with each other every night, no more hugging a pillow instead. Now that i have him home, i often forget what it took to get here. the internet dates, the long hours on the phone, the worrying and wondering. I will NEVER forget what it feels like to have him deployed. It sucked. but here we are, where we belong. as a family. i will be eternally greatful for this time, and i will make a point not to take it for granted.

It makes my heart so happy to know that i get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. I wish everyone could be so lucky!

So, im off to get ready for my lunch date with my man!!!! a first for us...i love life :)

Halloween and other things

2009-11-04T11:31:00.003-05:00

Last weekend was great...Out party was a success...Lots of people showed up...I drank way too much...Something I havent done in a very long time...I recovered quickly thank goodness...I dont have any pictures of me in my costume, im kinda disappointed...this is the first time i had dressed up since i was a teenager...Our decorations turned out great too...people loved them...Nicks costume was the best

It is definitely fall now...all the leaves around here are off the trees...everything looks so bare...And its getting pretty chilly...I dont mind though...i hate being hot...i like the summer months for all the sunshine, but i just cant ever be outside for long periods of time without feeling sick...

I had an interview last week for a leasing agent, but i havent heard back yet...i am getting so frustrated, and pretty deflated...I need a job, i want a job...I like to work, and im tired of feeling like im not doing anything to contribute :( I dont like feeling this way..im still plugging away at job hunting...I check every site i possibly can most days...and anything i might be slightly qualified for i send out a resume...someone has to hire me right?

Nick is in his 2nd week of his job...he seems to like it ok...not his dream job of course, but he can get that when he graduates most likely...School seems to be going ok for him too...he is getting pretty worn out, but he is doing well with it...

I have an appointment for Logan to see the neurologist...they set it for February...kinda rediculous for it to be so far away...he needs help now...he needs to be able to do well in school...most of the year will be over by the time they find out whats going on with him...i explained the situation, but it didnt seem to matter at all...

Is it Friday yet?

2009-10-28T13:46:00.002-04:00

this week is kind of creeping by. im trying to stay busy, but for some reason im still exhausted from being sick. I guess its just hanging on :(

Nick started his new job Monday. he seems to like it ok. its tiring him pretty bad. he isnt use to being on a schedule. i wake he does, so im waking about an hour earlier then im use to also. no biggie really. this morning i got up and read for a bit before i woke the kids. it felt nice to do that. it is really strange not having him here during the day. Mondays and tuesdays arent so bad. but the rest of the week he is gone from 7am, till 11pm or so..this will be the first day like that for us. not too bad i dont think, but strange, and different..

The boys had no school last Friday because of the flu going around. they were well, so they were glad to have a 3 day weekend. Saturday we woke up to Nick having a flat tire. his brother Al came to help fix it. The lugnuts stripped so that he couldnt get them off without power tools..Then we went to Barns and nobles for a bit, and sams club, then pizza hut...it was a good day.

sunday we went to nicks parents house for our weekly sunday dinner. Its always nice being there. i wish my mom and i would get together more often. It is frustrating that she dosnt seem to have the time.

I had an interview as a leasing agent on monday. im not sure how it went. the lady was really nice. and she seemed to like me, but im not sure if she liked my resume, or my answers. she talked and asked alot of questions, then said she had a few more interviews to do, then she would start the process of picking. I hope i hear back from her...it sounds perfect. part time, and the kids would only need a babysitter for a couple hours a week.

the sun is trying to shine today. i am loving it. its about time. there has been alot of rain, which i dont mind, but i was ready for sun too. im gonna take advantage of it, and do some walking.

Saturday is our halloween party! im pretty excited about it. ive never had a custume party before, even when i was younger i dont remember having one. the kids will be with their dad this weekend. im not sure if i get to go trick or treating with them, or if he is taking them out of town to do it. either way, i know they will have fun.

a few updates

2009-10-22T19:07:00.003-04:00

Logan seen the doctor last Friday. Seems the doctor is worried too, so they are gonna contact the Neurologist in Kalamazoo again and set up an appointment for him. They dont really know what is wrong with him. So we start the process again. I am anxious to find out what is going on.

Last weekend as Al and Cyndi's wedding. It was an amazing night to witness! The men looked so handsome, and Cyndi looked amazing! They are a beautiful couple, and this picture says it all!
Dominic is sick, and now im getting it too. Headache, stomach cramps, body aches, sore throat and fever. I took him to the doctor today, and they tested him for H1N1, and strep. Both tests came back negative, thank goodness. But the doctor also said its not 100%, so now i have to keep him somewhat isolated. I havent felt this bad in about 2 years. Mostly I am just tired. I hope it dosnt last too long. I have a family to take care of.

Nick got a job. I am so happy for him. He seems to be pretty excited about it. I think he will like it. At least i hope he will. I am still searching. I havent given up hope yet.

My mom is looking to move out of state again. I didnt figure she would stay here long, im surprised it was this long. She dosnt really like Michigan. I hope she finds the type of place she is looking for. a place to be happy.

Gene the Pumpkin Man

2009-10-09T20:35:00.003-04:00

Today we went to get our pumpkins...growing up my mom almost always took me to gene the pumpkin man, and i loved that place...Through the years since i became a mom i often took my boys there also...We had a great time...The experience was great...Gene is great with kids, and he talked to us for a good amount of time...You always leave there feeling as if you might be a part of their family...Thank you Gene and family for giving us such great memories...

It makes me excited for next year...Thank you for showing my family such kindness today...

i am so glad for these memories...Ive always been grateful for them, having Nick home makes them even better :)

conferences and stuff

2009-10-08T21:45:00.002-04:00

We had the boys conferences today. Dominics was great. I really like his teacher. She said he is doing really well. She said he is above average in reading and math. There are some speech issues, but she isnt concerned enough to suggest speech therapy. She said he is really helpful in class.

Steven had a good review. He is doing well with his homework. She loves having him in her class. He is always willing to learn. He needs some help writing his numbers. The goal is to write numbers up to 100 by the end of the year. To be able to recognize and write them. He is in speech therepy and doing well. He has a hard time pronouncing certain sounds. He dosnt read well, but is improving.

Logan...I dont know what to say. The kid cant seem to catch much of a break. He had a seizure almost 2 years ago, and since then things with him just havent been right. He was learning at a decent pace, and now he isnt. You teach him something, and he forgets by the next day. His handwriting is really bad, and he often spells his name wrong. Mentally he is declining. Within the last 2 years his writing and reading abilities have gone back to as if he were a 1st grader. I am calling tomorrow to make him an appointment with his regular doctor, to see if I can schedule him for a referral to a specialist of some kind. I am scared that there is something very seriously wrong with him. His dad tried to make me feel like I was over-reacting, so I started to believe that. now i feel like that was a huge mistake. I feel like i let him down. I am scared for him. I see lots more testing in the future.

Michael is doing as he should. His teachers just love him. He is a joy to have in class, and is always polite. He follows all the rules, and does what he is told to the best of his abilities. They have cut back on his work load a bit because he was getting overwhelmed. He is on a credit/no credit status instead of grading. That is the way special ed works. I think it works out well for him. He has been great this year about bringing home his homework. I am really proud of him for getting as far as he has. I remember how hard it was for him at first. He is such a light in this life.

Nick got 100% on his first test..just had to throw that in there!

Tomorrow we are going to the pumpkin place tomorrow to pick out pumpkins, and have some fun. Saturday we have Logans football game, then coming home to carve our pumpkins, make pizza, and maybe some rootbeer floats or something. Then sunday its off to dinner at Nick's parents.

I signed the boys up for cub scouts on Monday. They will go to meetings every monday night. They are pretty excited. Michael didnt want to join. Logan can start going to the meetings after he is done with football is over for the season.

Al and Cyndi's wedding is only a little over a week away. i am so excited for them!

A personal blog..(reflections of me)

2009-10-05T13:23:00.002-04:00

its been a while since i wrote a really personal blog..Ive done venting, bragging, wedding stuff, and updates...but once in a while i feel the need to really throw myself out there..

There are times when i feel so left behind and jealous...and times i feel like i have really failed at things...Im getting better at understanding we cant change our past...its just not possible...But if i had stuck with school i would have a really good job, a decent car, and a life outside of my home...I envy those in school, people who are sticking with it...i am often mad at myself for being bullied into stopping my education...being made to feel that it just wasn't as important as the things others wanted in life...I realize now that just because it wasn't important to them, didnt mean it couldn't be important to me..I want so badly to go back to school...but in order to do that, my default loans have to be paid off...but to do that i need a job, to get a job i need a flexible schedule, and an education...see my dilemma here? my loans are huge, but big enough that i cant even make a dent in them...while others are moving on, im still living with the mistakes i made 10 years ago by not following my instincts to go further with school...and here i sit, not knowing how to make it right...how to turn it around...

i feel like a failure...i need a job so bad...i feel like im failing my children by not being able to get one...its such a frustration...i have a vehicle now...but between mine and Nicks schedule, its just been impossible...they want me to have open availability...and i just cant do that...and no place i apply to is willing to work with my schedule...there are others out there that can do what they want...i have gotten so many replies to my resume's telling me im overqualified...whats that about? im beginning to think its just a nice way for them to say im not what they need...and that just sucks...

I want to feel like i am contributing...financially...i want to be looked at as a strong independant woman...one that doesn't need so much help...i want that education i always thought i would have..

I am proud of myself though...i think ive done a damn good job with these boys...in the last 4 years i have turned their attitudes around 100%...and when face to face with the woman my ex husband left me for, i smiled instead of beating the crap out of her like i wanted to...I have made a life...I am stronger, and more pushy for the things i believe in then i ever was...I am confident in areas that lacked for a very long time...

I am happy in love...more secure in it then i ever thought possible...and, IM GETTING MARRIED TO MY BESTEST FRIEND...

i try very hard not to get frustrated with my failings, but sometimes its hard...i want to be someone who makes a difference in the future of our world...i want to be someone that people can look up to...

sorry for the typos...i dont feel like changing them :)

just blogging

2009-09-30T18:42:00.002-04:00

Nick and I are both sick. The kids are passing it around too. I didnt get hardly any sleep last night. dominic kept waking up crying because he just didnt feel good. But when he woke up this morning, he was fine. He went to school. Lots of people are getting sick right now. I hope it dosnt last too long. I dont want to be sick most of the winter.

The fall season has definitely gotten here. It is chilly. I dont mind it except the cold air is making me cough. I love this time of year. I cant wait to see the leaves change. And i am excited to use my camera to catch the colors this year!!! im having way too much fun with it already!

I am also excited because we are getting closer to the holidays. this will be the first time Nick and I get to spend them all together. That is such a wonderful feeling. No Hawaii, no Iraq! Just us as a family. It will make these upcoming holidays even better. No goodbyes so close to Christmas!

Logan is suppose to be at football practice tonight. But with me being sick, and some of the others being sick, i just cant walk there to take him. I had borrowed a van, but the battery keeps dying, so right now I am stuck without a vehicle again. I feel bad for him having to miss practice. I feel like I am letting him down.

So there is a job opening at Subway. I want to apply, but i keep telling myself not to. I want a job, and im willing to take just about anything. Bt im not sure i could do that one. its not that i dont think i would like it. But i just dont know. i guess maybe pride is stopping me a little. I am still putting in 2-4 resumes a day. I have gotten alot of denials. It is very frustrating. i know the right one has to come along soon. It just has to.

So this last week was pretty scary. My grandma went in on Wednesday to have her surgery for her cancer. She came through it ok, or so we thought. About 1am Wednesday morning her bloodpressure started to drop, and they couldnt keep it up. She ended up having 2 blood transfusions, and that didnt help. they transfered her to the ICU for a couple of days. Finally it started to steady. i was pretty scared for a couple of days. I dont know how i would handle her passing. She has always been my 2nd parent. It wouldnt be like losing a grandparent, it would be more like losing a dad or something. she is home now, and healing. I just hope it stays that way.

Nick has his first test tonight at ITT Tech. I think he will do great on it. I am so proud of him.

I have all the boys Halloween costumes...we took them to pick them out on Saturday. It is all they can talk about now..lol...they are excited already. We are having a Halloween party this year. Its a costume party. it will be fun

2009-09-25T21:08:00.002-04:00

My grandma had her surgery yesterday...the surgery went well...they got most of the tumors, and the rest they are confident the chemo will take care of...she was suppose to go home today, but is too anemic so she ended up having a blood transfusion...so hopefully tomorrow she will be able to go home...

Logan has another game tomorrow morning in South Haven...he is pretty excited about it..I am too...i am really proud of him for sticking with it...the amount of homework he has lately is insane! it takes him all night to do it...sometimes it feels like he has no play time lately..

the other boys are doing good...Michael hardly ever has homework...dominic has some once in a while...steven once a week...

Nick has been getting most of his work done during lab time at school...

tomorow we are gonna go looking at halloween stuff...we are having a party this year...my first halloween party! i have part of my costume already...it will be the first time i dressed up since i was a teen...we are gonna look at costumes for the kids too...not sure what else we are doing..

i didnt really have much to say i guess...i thought there was more

emotional mess

2009-09-21T13:07:00.002-04:00

I dont know why, but i am an emotional mess today...its probably a good thing Nick is with his dad for the day...i feel like there is so much going on right now, and maybe i just needed a day to let it all out...i feel like ive cried all day :(

a friend of mine told me its the time of year, and i think i have to agree..but today is just bad...

My grandma has surgery for her cancer on Thursday...im trying very hard to be ok with it, but i guess im not as ok with it as i thought...every once in a while that hard shell of an exterior i have put up gets little cracks in it, and it all comes out...i dont have a good feeling about this surgery...i dont know why, i just dont..So Thursday i will be spending the day at the hospital with my mom...i want to make sure i get to see her when she come out of it..i have to see with my own eyes that she is ok...

i feel like i have recently been deceived...not by Nick, but by someone else...it doesn't make sense to me, but whatever...there is nothing i can do about it but be nice...if i don't, i will come out looking like an insecure nag...so, i will keep my mouth shut till it just fades away...im use to that...no one else sees anything wrong with it, so why should i right?

trust is a huge issue for me at this point in my life....but i have valid reasons...nothing i will get into on here, because its really nobody's business but my own, and whoever i chose to confide in...but it is valid, and i dont really care if anyone else agrees with me...especially when it comes to a mans point of view...they normally stick together on that subject..why cant people just be honest...it would save a whole lot of trouble in the end...i would rather know the truth in the beginning then find out a lie later, and feel as though i have been hurt twice as much..why dont people get that?

things really are going good...my emotions are just crap lately...

I am still job hunting...been sending out resumes like crazy...most people dont want to hire me, because i cant work most nights...sooner or later i will find the perfect job...i know its out there, it has to be...

no more planning has really been done on the wedding...i have to start making a list of people for invites, so i can start pricing out invitations, and things like that...we have alot done already...we have accomplished alot...i cant say "im not scared"...i am...not of getting married to Nick, but of being a failure again...

Nick and i haven't been able to spend much time together lately..with school, and kids sports, and lots of other things, we just barely see each other...i cant wait till things slow down a bit..i need some time with him..Last weekend he went to a "bachelor" party for his brother...i put parentheses around that because in my eyes it wasn't much of a bachelor party with females there too...but that's another subject im not getting into...so, it was a party...he had a good time, and im glad for it...im sure he needed some time away from life...we all do sometimes...im sure certain people will think less of me after posting that part..but i don't care anymore...im tired of people thinking they can walk all over me and get away with it..

to a few others, i don't need an internet babysitter...really i don't...i can handle myself quite well...and i don't need people who read my stuff, to go crying to others about my life...its my life...i choose to live it how i see fit...if you want to know what i write, or whats on my profiles, ask...don't spy...that makes me unhappy...very....oh, and yes, i am a Pagan....stop saying the word like its something dirty coming out of your mouth...and every time you hear that i am a pagan, stop acting surprised...its not a surprise every time you hear it, and its not a dirty thing...i don't worship anything EVIL...in fact, i worship something that is pure goodness, thank you very much...so just stop, because its getting on my nerves...you don't see me trying to convert you...so just leave it be...i am at a good and peaceful place with my spirituality, whether anyone else likes it or not...

music in my soul

2009-09-19T22:36:00.003-04:00

im sitting here tonight...alone..Nick is with his brothers, so im forced to entertain myself...not so bad really...there was a Bob Seger tribute band playing in town tonight, and i could hear it from my front porch...music is memories to me...i love it..all kinds...but music from Seger, and the eagles takes me back to my childhood...my family is full of the hippie types, and we use to have bon fires, and spend a good amount of time together...what i remember most is the bonfires, and parties where this genre of music was played...listening to it tonight brings tears to my eyes...it reminds me of my uncle Dan mostly..he has been gone for 3 years now...He was my favorite..a wild child or sorts...didnt care what others thought...a little bit crazy...and alot loveable...he was well known in Lawton as "animal"...

i know i just did a blog like this one, but for some reason lately, im really feeling the lose of the ones who have passed in the last 3 years...there have been alot...people i was very close to....some very important things are about to happen in my life, and they wont be here for it...it makes me sad...but mostly i think im sad for the way some parts of my family have become...i know they had their fights, but i want us to be close...its important to me...i just dont know where to begin to find that again...

im emotional tonight anyway, im dealing with a fear, and that never sits well with me

logans first game is coming up!

2009-09-18T21:58:00.002-04:00

Logans first game is tomorrow, and i am so excited!!! he is too...lots of people will be there to watch him for his first game, and i am very glad for that...its really important to him...he is really proud of himself! i will take lots of pictures..

my morning cup

2009-09-16T08:09:00.002-04:00

When my great grandmother died, they had the sad task of sorting through her things...i received a framed picture of my mom and dad, and a picture of me as a baby...

then, my family gave me a coffee cup that had been hers..on the cup it says worlds greatest mom...every time i drink out of that cup, i think of her...i think of how she was the pillar of this family...the glue that held it all together...she was a strong little lady...i miss her...but im so glad to be able to have something that i can use every day, that makes me think of her...

crazy busy

2009-09-14T22:17:00.002-04:00

things have been so busy lately...the kids are loving school....logan is loving football...he looks so darn cute in his uniform...he just got the rest of it today, and i didnt have my camera with me at practice, so wednesday i will take a picture to post..all those pads make him look so tiny..there are some kids on the team that are so much bigger then him!

nicks dad and neice were in a motorcycle accident almost 2 weeks ago...his dad has lots of healing to do, but will be ok..his neice was able to leave the hospital that day with only some miner issues...headache and body ache...im so greatful that it wasnt more serious...i absolutely love his family, and i cant even think about anything worse happening :(

nick seems to like his classes...he has to drive all the way up to grand rapids 3 nights a week, but he does ok with it...

My grandma goes in for surgery soon for her cancer..the 24th...im hoping everything turns out ok...

i should be getting a van soon...this is a very good thing! we need a 2nd vehicle...something a bit bigger...

im sad to hear that Patrick Swayze has passed away...he was one of my favorites..

im terrible at keeping touch with people lately...its not that im not thinking of you, things are just so crazy right now...ive been putting in about 10 resumes a week, sometimes more...for a while i wasnt getting any responses...now i keep getting told that im overqualified...i dont care, i just want a dang job! im tired of not having money in savings for an emergency...the holidays are fast approaching, and im pretty sure its gonna be another rough holiday...better that nick is home, but financially rough...but its ok, im greatful for what we can do anyway...life is good..

a friend of mine lost his wife recently...it makes you really take a look at the things and people you have in your life...remember to give them that extra kiss, and hug...dont forget to tell them you love them...its one of the most important things...

I love you :) thats all

wedding blog 9/14/09

2009-09-14T21:46:00.002-04:00

This is where we are getting married...kindelberger park...i cant wait, im so excited!!!! we came upon it by chance! its perfect...now lets hope for perfect weather!
we changed the date to June 26th, because the 19th just wasnt working out for us...but its ok...we also picked out my ring and put it on layaway..im not posting it though...you will just have to wait till the wedding :)

we rented out the moose lodge for the reception...its a big place, and it will give us space to move around...it has a great dancefloor, and a space for the DJ...we still havent picked out a dj, or photographer..its all coming together, and it is so wonderful...i get to marry my best friend..

i have my next fitting in November....

Almost the end of summer

2009-08-28T15:47:00.002-04:00

The end of summer is getting closer...i am not sure with this weather we really had much of one anyway..lol...this weather is crazy..right now its about 66 degrees, and raining...it has been a cold summer...cooler then normal anyway...i dont think i ever remember a summer being so chilly...we have only had a few hot days...we only got to swim a few times...i wonder is this is warning of a harsh, cold winter...i have a feeling this year we will have an abnormally cold winter...

This is the last week that the boys go to their dads this summer...I am glad for things to get back to normal...I miss them, and i dont like for them to be gone so often...in fact i cant stand it...at least during the school year they are only there every other weekend...

Logan has decided to play football this year...i am excited for him! i think he will be great at sports...he was a little scared about the idea of it at first, but then he got excited about it...we sign him up for that in the 3rd..

the boys have their open house next week, and we find out who their teachers are...find their classrooms, and all that good stuff...i still need to get the boys haircuts and shoes..I got them backpacks about a month ago when they were on sale...they still need some school clothes also...but i think that part is just gonna have to wait...i cant afford to do it all at once...

Nick starts classes the same day as the boys..i have to admit, im kinda jealous..i want to go back to school so bad...but previous school loans make that impossible at this point..but im happy for him..

i have put in so many applications, and so many resumes, and i am getting so discouraged...the only callbacks i have gotten are from jobs i cant really take, or arent realistic for our schedules...i have to have a job..i cant do this anymore...it almost feels impossible to find a job...i just want to work...

The twins birthday was yesterday...i cant believe my babies are 7 already..i didnt get to spend the day with them...but at least they got to be with their dad...im sure they were excited about that..

the family

2009-08-04T15:09:00.005-04:00

We had some pictures done shortly after Nick came home...I think they turned out great!

things around here

2009-07-27T08:31:00.002-04:00

We have 1 more month of summer break, and the boys are getting soooooo bored! im trying to think of some things that will keep them busy...i have a few projects i want them to do...i thought i would have the chance to make them study this summer, but it seems like that is lost :( my intentions were good...I had Logan read to me the other day while i was folding laundry, and he did alot better then he was doing at the end of the school year...I am nervous for him to start the next grade...Hopefully they can get him some extra help...

I have taken up an old hobby again...i started making necklaces...My cousin Jen got me back into it...i havent done anything too complicated yet, but im getting ready to start a 4 strand necklace...i would love to take a class on it...i think it would be fun...or at least have some friends that are into the same thing...

speaking of friends....I havent seen any of mine in a long time...havent even heard from them...i dont know what is going on with that...sometimes i just get tired of trying...especially when it seems there is only one way communication...friendship is a 2 way street...

My grandma had her 2nd round of Chemo last wednesday...it hit her harder this time then last time...the first round she took pretty well...im worried about her...i cant stop thinking about it...this is a woman who rarely gets sick...a woman who has been my 2nd mom...im not use to her being sick...i try to keep my mind off the fact that it might not work...a life without her in it is just not right...

I am working through some emotions right now...on several things, but mainly one...there are some feelings i havent overcome...how do you get past something that came from the person you trust most in this world...how do you get trust back? i know it takes time, but i hurt...i dont want to hurt anymore...i want this to be a really happy time...i never thought i would have to deal with something like this from that person...

We havent done any recent wedding planning...Money is just too tight, and with the kids home so much, its just impossible...of course, i would be happy getting married in the back yard.lol...but then no one would get to see my pretty dress my mom bought me...we have the dress, and a few small things already...

first before we spend money on wedding, i have to find a way to transport my children more safely then we do now...my van is dead...its going to cost too much to fix it, and im not putting that kind of money into something that will die again in 2 months...now all we have is Nicks car...a compact car...its great on gas, and wonderful to drive...its just not big enough...and makes for a stressful drive cuz the kids are always whining about space...not fun at all...so somehow i have to come up with a vehicle...

I am waiting to hear about a job...its an office manager job...something that i think would be perfect for me...im scared though...its been a while since i have been out there working for someone else...its an overwhelming feeling

Nick and the boys all start school around the same time...its gonna be strange...

hi there

2009-07-08T20:23:00.002-04:00

we have been so freakin busy lately!! between birthdays, dental visits, college visits, and family stuff, we have been gone most of the time...

so a little update...

Nick is enrolled in ITT Tech...he starts in September...i think it is the right choice...in the long run it will be better..

we have both been job hunting..mostly online, but both of us have uploaded resumes to many different sites...and i have been searching the Michigan works sight...i sent out my resume to several different companies...

My Uncle Fred is in town with my cousin Jennifer and her daughter Shelby...it has been so great spending time with them...you never realize how much you miss somone till they come back to visit...ive been having a wonderful time with them...i dont want them to leave :(

the 4th of july we spend with Nicks family...it was alot of fun...spent by the pool just hanging out...then we walked to the fireworks....

the 5th we went to my moms house...we had a family reunion...omg, there were so many people there...people i hadnt seen in a while..it was great to catch up with everyone...it was a great turnout!

My grandma's chemotherapy has started...she seems to be taking it well so far...her stomach has been a little upset, but other then that she seems to be doing well...

Logan has had some detal work done...he had one silver cap, and 3 white fillings...i dont understand why his teeth are so bad..i blame genetics...lol....next week he is having a tooth pulled...i hope they give him some good drugs so he isnt in pain...

this week hasnt been as busy as last week...its been nice having some down time...i needed it...i have been doing laundry for 3 days straight...im seriously tired of laundry..and im still not done..

Feels like its been forever..

2009-06-23T13:47:00.002-04:00

My blog is majorly slacking! ive been trying to find the time to get on here and update, but i always seem to forget...

things have been going ok...It is so great having Nick home for good...i think it is finally sinking in that he dosnt have to leave again...

The kids are at their dads this week...we are doing the every other week thing...i hate it...i dont like them being gone that much..but it looks like i have no choice...im sure its good for me to have a break...but most of the time it dosnt feel good for me at all! i just miss them..

I took logan to the dentist last week..he ended up with 2 fillings, and has to go back next week to get one pulled..i feel bad for him, i had such great teeth when i was little, and his are sooo bad..

The boys are loving summer...they love that they dont have to be on so much of a schedule, and i have been more flexible about bed times and stuff...im learning to let go a little more..

Nick got me a camera for my bday! its so awesome! ive probably taken about 300-400 pictures since June 10th..lol...im learning how to use it..its been fun...there are alot of picture up on myspace...i will post some here when i get a chance...

Nick and i are doing well...we havent done much about the wedding planning, but we are getting to that...we have looked into some venues, but it really hasnt gone much further then that..we have to make some money first..

nick is looking into attending ITT Tech....i think its a good idea for him..ive been looking for a job, but now that summer is here i have slacked on it a bit..i dont have a vehicle anyway..all we have is Nicks car...I am still hoping to get a job at the school in the fall..

well im off to get some things done, i know i had more to say, but as soon as i sat down here to type it, i forgot!

June 10, 1009

2009-06-10T08:21:00.001-04:00

Today feels like Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick is no longer in the Army...this was officially his last day!!!!!!!!!!! its so exciting...i am relieved...

9 days

2009-05-28T21:10:00.002-04:00

Its been 9 days since i last blogged...

Things are going ok...I am dealing with some stuff, but part of it just cant be talked about here...emotionally im just spent...

Good news to start things out...Nick has been home for a week now..Things are great...we have just been enjoying our time together as a family...i know i dont have to send him back, but sometimes it seems as if i need to cram a bunch of stuff into his visit...it just hasnt completely hit me yet that he is home for good...no more army, no more deployment...now its time for us...i wonder when that will sink in?

The boys are so happy to have him home...they cant seem to get enough of him..

Last sunday we had his family reunion..it was really great...i love his family...they are so wonderful and accepting...we had a blast...the boys got to play outside all day, it was perfect weather for it...nice and sunny...so sunny in fact i got a sunburn that still hurts in some spots...after the reunion we went to his aunt and uncles farm, and spent the evening out there...fun stuff!!

yesterday we went and did some shopping around...we looked at tuxes and invitations...just to see what we needed to plan for...

today we went to his parents house for dinner...thats always nice...i enjoy being there..

So onto some stuff that isnt so fun...I talked to my mom today...it seems my grandma has stage 4 cancer...not sure what they are gonna do about it yet...so we will see what more they have to say...i dont really know yet how to handle it emotionally, but at least i have Nick here...that helps

A little update

2009-05-19T20:35:00.002-04:00

This is me keeping my fingers crossed that there will be no more delay..At this point we are expecting Nick to leave Hawaii Wednesday night...This will bring him into town on Thursday night..I am trying hard to be excited, but im afraid once i do, his homecoming will be delayed again...

I cant wait to have him home..I am an emotional mess, on a rollercoaster of every emotion you can imagine...its been up and down for weeks now..i need for this to be done...

so hopefully we will get him home Thursday..

engagement entry #1

2009-05-17T16:55:00.003-04:00

As i said in a previous blog i am seperating my blog a bit..i didnt want to start a whole new one, that is just too confusing...

At the end of last week my dress came in..yes i know its a year early, but we need to start early, for peace of mind and for ease on the bank account..My mom bought my dress...I was surprised...we had originally planned to split the cost..well her words were "i will help you with the cost" she swears up and down she didnt say that...lol, silly girl! im so grateful to her for doing it...

So yesterday was a great day..My mom, grandma, and Nicks mom all went to David's Bridal, and i tried on my dress, took some pictures, and hung out..i cant show pics of my dress, Nick might see! but i can show you pics of us at the shop..after going there, we all went to breakfast, and did some shopping...and we scoped out wedding stuff..lol..it is so great that the two families seem to get long..i love it..so here is a picture of me and the girls!

delay delay delay

2009-05-15T13:52:00.002-04:00

All week long we have been thinking Nick was gonna be here, and every time we got our hopes up, he was delayed again..because of one paper that someone couldn't get right....Am i whining? yeah, i am...ive been doing it all week...what is suppose to be a really exciting time is turning out to be very stressful..i know im not making it any better for him by being irritated...but im not irritated with him, im irritated with the situation..

so as of now, he is scheduled to be home Thursday, we will see...it is my hope that he will..he has a family reunion, and its Memorial day weekend...he just needs to be here..The boys need him home as much as i do...they have been crazy emotional cuz nicks homecoming has come and gone, and no nick...

really have no updates besides that...its been a pretty boring week..lol

Happy Mothers Day

2009-05-10T21:35:00.005-04:00

Today was really nice..the boys let me lay in bed till 9...well, kinda, i told them to quiet down..lol..We went to Maple Island for a picnic, and let them play for about 5 hours..Mark and Bambi came with, it was a really nice day....Kinda chilly, but not too bad really...I didnt get anything of course, the boys are too young to do that, but its ok, im use to it..lol...ive got lots of pictures on my myspace page..you can check them out there..

a picture of Mark, Bambi, and kids

and here is all those precious little monsters! i mean angels

the day was a great one, would have been better if Nick had been home, but soon..i dont know yet what day he will be able to leave..but very soon!!

hahahaha

2009-05-09T20:49:00.000-04:00

looking back

2009-05-07T12:11:00.003-04:00

Its really hard to believe that this part of our journey is almost over...we have done this long distance thing for almost 3 years now, and its almost time to start down a new road...There was never a time i wondered if it would be better if we parted ways...Not once we actually got together...The road to get to that was a little bumpy...but we both held on...my man, my best friend, has been so far from me for so long...this part of our lives is ending, and will be just a memory...I have so much respect for what he does, and who he is...The job he did was a hard one...a job i wouldn't honestly wish on most people...it has its price to pay..its own burdens to carry..

I am so proud of my soldier boy...i can call him that one last time, because as of tomorrow he will be a civilian! This is a time in our lives filled with so much emotion, i cant even really begin do describe it...a part of me will miss it, but most of me is really really relieved to just have him home with us, where he belongs...No more long goodbyes...

as this part of our lives comes to an end, so many of you are just beginning...all i can say really is have faith, and be strong..you can do this..you will do this..and you will come out stronger on the other side...this experience has changed me...it has shown me patience i never knew i had...with my love so far away, i knew i had to be...people are gonna tell you its not worth it, move on, find someone who can give you their time...but im telling you, hold on to what you have, because a soldiers heart is like gold...priceless...

i would not have changed things, because in changing things, it would have made our relationship different...and we have a bond i wouldn't wish to ever change..